Lord of the Movie: The Two Critics
by Mareth Rowe
Summary: The second part to the original LOTM, in which Lizzo Baggins draws closer to Mount Doom and the remaining fellowship fights to stay alive--with tons of laughs. Rated mostly for language
1. Scene One: The Journey Continues

(Once again, we see the text below on the movie screen and we hear it being read)  
  
Narrator: Dearest Viewer, You'd think we'd learn our lesson from the amperage of complaints and obscene gestures we have obtained from angry people after showing Fellowship of the Movie. But we didn't. We have made fun of many things in this movie-too many to put down in writing for you to see. So if you find something offensive in this movie, and you wish to sue us, please reconsider with the fact that you are given a great apology. Or, if you are unsatisfied with that, send us money and we will send you a coupon for frozen yogurt at Baskin Robbins (Note: The more money you send, the bigger the value of the coupon). We hope we have made everything better and patched up old wounds. Do not sue. (Brief pause) Once again, if you have taken anything that was said seriously, you are obviously very retarded. If you didn't get it before-you'll probably never get it. Please-for the love of all things sacred and holy-get a helmet! Wal Mart has some really cheap ones that you can buy with your own money. Enjoy the movie.  
  
Scene One  
  
(We hear the Narrator speak again in a misty, far-off voice)  
  
Narrator: You thought it was over-you thought we would end it right there- you thought we'd have the dignity to not continue this movie.but you were wrong.  
  
(We see the title: Lord of the Movie on the screen. Then, it fades out and we see the mountains of Moria. They are capped with snow, and the sun lightly touches them. After a few seconds, we hear Kendalf shouting in the mountains-we are going back to the time when the company last saw him fighting the Balrog. As we hear his shouting, we still look at the mountains)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Angrily) You shall not pass!  
  
Voice of Lizzo Baggins: (In a petrified shout) KENDALF!  
  
(There is a small rumble over the mountains before we hear Kendalf speak again)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Angrily) I am servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of flame of Anor!  
  
(We suddenly see Mountain Climber#1&2 trekking along the mountains. When they hear the rumbles and shouts proceeding inside, they look at one another)  
  
Mountain Climber#1: (In an annoyed tone) Somebody's fighting the Balrog again! Dang it! That's the fifth time this week!  
  
Mountain Climber#2: (Rolling his eyes) I keep tellin' them that they outta let animal control take care of it, but do they listen? Nooo! (The camera then closes in upon the mountains, and we see Kendalf standing before the Balrog on the bridge of Khazad-dûm. The company is behind him, on the other side of the bridge, watching with fear upon their faces. Kendalf has his staff raised as the Balrog cracks the whip to the side and we hear the chorus of Rawhide played. We see Lizzo Baggins shout angrily at Kendalf)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) KENDALF! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE, RIGHT NOW! GET- !  
  
(Lizzo Baggins stops shouting, as Kendalf's staff grows very bright as he speaks to the Balrog)  
  
Kendalf: (Shouting as the Balrog raises its whip to strike him) The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!  
  
(The Balrog brings the whip down upon the wizard, and sparks fly as it bounces off the shield around Kendalf. We see Lizzo Baggins watching in pure horror as Kendalf shouts angrily at the Balrog)  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily) Go back to the shadow, you piece of crap! You shall not pass!  
  
(The Balrog lets out a hideous shriek as it comes towards Kendalf)  
  
Kendalf: (Camera closes in on his face as he raises his staff, shouting) YOU-SHALL-NOT-PASS!  
  
(Kendalf brings the staff down, and the bridge in front of him cracks, causing the Balrog to look down in confusion. Then, the bridge gives way, causing the Balrog to fall into the darkness. Then, we see Jimagorn look at Mikomir in shock)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a shaky voice) Now-that was pretty cool!  
  
(Kendalf looks off the edge of the bridge after the Balrog. With a faint smirk upon his face, he turns to join the company. But the Balrog flicks his whip upward, causing it to wrap around Kendalf's ankles. With a small shout, he is dragged to the edge of the bridge, which he clutches for life. We see Lizzo Baggins start to run towards Kendalf, but Mikomir holds her back)  
  
Mikomir: (In a stern tone) You want to get yourself killed?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Struggling against the big man's grip) Let me help him! HELP HIM!  
  
Mikomir: (Tightening his grasp about the hobbit) There's nothing else we can do for him!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Still struggling, and hysterical as she shouts to the wizard) KENDALF!  
  
(We see Kendalf struggling to keep hold of the bridge, but it is in vain. He looks towards Lizzo Baggins, who has tears leaking out of her eyes as she struggles to reach him. Kendalf, knowing he cannot hold on for long, has a strange smile play upon his face as he speaks)  
  
Kendalf: (In a last effort from the thing that pulls him away) Fly-you fools!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Struggling as her face works into a look of horror and disbelief as she shouts) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
(We see Kendalf let go of the bridge, and we see him fall into the darkness below. Normally, we would look upon the company, but instead, we follow Kendalf's fall into the darkness. As he falls, he reaches to grasp his sword, but he accidentally clasps it blade first and gives a great shout of pain. But, determined to finish off the Balrog, he continues to fall. But it's taking a long time to catch up to the huge creature; so long, in fact, that it causes Kendalf to give a great annoyed sigh and look at his watch. Finally, the Balrog is within range, and Kendalf begins to viciously fight the hideous creature. Fire and smoke whip about him as he plunges his sword countless times into the Balrog, each time seeming more useless than the next)  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily as he fights) WHY-WON'T-YOU-DIE?  
  
(We see them continue their fights, then they fall out of sight for a minute, and we suddenly see the two actually falling casually while having a nice cup of tea; below the screen, we see the text: "Fifteen Minutes Later" pop up. Then, as Kendalf passes the Balrog the sugar cubes, he sees that the camera is rolling)  
  
Kendalf: (Hitting himself on the head) Oh right! Sorry!  
  
(And with a mighty cry-right after taking another sip of tea-Kendalf throws the teacup aside and begins to fight with the Balrog again. The fighting is quite vicious, the fire licking the wizard's skin and robes. But Kendalf proceeds to fight with great strength, determined to destroy the hideous Balrog. Then, we get into an overhead view of them falling, their shouts growing fainter and fainter as they go. Then, we see Lizzo Baggins' eyes snap open as she sits bolt upright. In the background, we see the rocky area of Emyn Muil. Kram Gamgee is snoozing beside her peacefully)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Frightened) Kendalf!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks about, breathing in and out with fright. Kram Gamgee comes awake immediately, sitting upright immediately, and grasping a frying pan as a weapon)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a worried tone) What is it Miss Lizzo? Is someone trying to kill you?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks around for a moment, realizing that it was all just a dream-a dream that seemed so real)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small voice, not even looking at Kram Gamgee) No-it was nothing.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Frustrated) You woke me up for that? Do me a favor and wake me up when you're-oh I don't know-in trouble!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Turning to Kram Gamgee) I'm sorry, Kram, but I-(Sees the frying pan her friend is holding and scolds) A frying pan? You were planning on defending us with a frying pan?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Defensively) Hey! It was the only thing within reaching distance! And I'll have you know that this is a rather nice frying pan! Chef's choice! (Puts the frying pan down next to her) Well, if you weren't getting attacked, what made you shout out?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (After thinking for a moment) Nothing-it was nothing.  
  
(Kram Gamgee pulls her blanket about her, mumbling about wasted time, and rolls over to fall asleep again. Lizzo Baggins lies down as well, and pulls her blanket about her-but her eyes remain open and it is apparent that she has no real intention of falling asleep anytime soon. Then, we see her nose wrinkle slightly as she sniffs the air)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Sounding disgusted and angry) Well, now there's something wrong! Kram, you farted!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a groggy voice) Oh-sorry, Lizzo.  
  
(We now see Kram Gamgee and Lizzo Baggins climbing down into a ravine in the dreaded Emyn Muil, using the Elvish rope that Kram Gamgee got in the previous movie. As they proceed, we see the title: The Two Critics pop up on the screen. Under it is the text: "We do not really guarantee any real 'critics' to be named in this movie, but it was a pretty snazzy title, eh?" Lizzo Baggins is leading, trying to decipher anything within the great mist below. Kram Gamgee looks petrified)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a squeaky, but loud voice) Do you see the bottom, Miss Lizzo?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (After squinting towards the bottom, shouts to her friend) No! Keep going, Kram!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Mumbling to herself) Heights! Heights! Of all things that you could be scared of, Kram, you're scared of heights! And spiders.and snakes.and dark places.and rocks.and certain types of spinach.  
  
(Suddenly, Kram Gamgee slips on a rock her foot is on, and she gives a shout as she crashes into the rock wall in front of her-grabbing the rope just in time to keep from falling. But we see a small box fall from Kram Gamgee's bag and begin to make its descent towards the bottom. Kram Gamgee sees this and gives a great shout of dismay)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shouting frantically) Catch it, Lizzo!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks up, sees the falling box, and quickly reaches out and grabs it in a matter of seconds. But this causes her to lose her balance, and Lizzo Baggins gives a shout as she begins to fall from the rope, heading toward the bottom of the ravine. Kram Gamgee looks on with fear in her eyes)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Frantically) MISS LIZZO!  
  
(We hear a hard THUD! and the painful groan of Lizzo Baggins. Kram Gamgee clenches her teeth in worriment)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small voice) Ooh! Miss Lizzo, are you all right?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a painful voice) I can-see the-bottom now! OUCH!  
  
(With that, Kram Gamgee quickly sides down the rope, desperate to meet up with Lizzo Baggins. Kram Gamgee reaches the bottom in a matter of seconds, frowns at the distance, and approaches Lizzo Baggins, who's on her back and groaning in pain. Kram Gamgee frowns at Lizzo Baggins)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Logically) You know, Miss Lizzo, it wasn't that fair of a distance!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Well, I'm sorry, Kram! I don't know about you, but when I fall on my back rather than on my feet, the wind-tends to get knocked out of me!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Helping Lizzo Baggins up) Ravines, rope, and Lord knows what else! It's not natural, none of it! In fact, it's kind of sucky!  
  
(Rubbing her back with one hand, Lizzo Baggins surveys the box that she caught in the other hand. It is a very pretty box, and Lizzo Baggins looks at it in both wonderment and puzzlement)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Still looking at the box) What's in this?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a shrug) Nothing.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Frowning at her friend) Kram, I highly doubt that! If it were nothing, I wouldn't have risked breaking my back over it!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Honestly) Seriously, Miss Lizzo! It's nothing important.just a bit of seasoning. Thought it'd be nice for when we had roast chicken or something.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Disbelieving) Roast chicken?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Scowling at her friend's criticism) Well, with that kind of an attitude, I'm not even going to tell you about my ham plan!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Smiling at her friend) Kram.my dear Kram.(Rolling her eyes) I'm just going to say that what you choose to do surprises me.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins opens up the small box, and we see the seasoning inside. It is quite interesting. Lizzo Baggins stares at it intently, while Kram Gamgee explains)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a simple tone) It's kind of special, you know.best salt in all the Shire.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Still staring at the seasoning) It kind of looks like dirt.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (After a moment of scowling) Well-look who's suddenly an expert of salts! (Irritably snatches away the box)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Laughing slightly) It's still sort of special, Kram. (With a shrug and grim smile) It is a little bit of home.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a loud tone) That's right! It's a bit of home! It's dirt from the Shire.because that's where we're from! We're from the Shire! Yep! It's dirt from the Shire!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins raises her eyebrows at Kram Gamgee, who stares at her friend simply. Finally, Kram Gamgee gives a frustrated sigh)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Irritably) Fine! It's actually dirt from Rivendell! Stop starin' at me like that!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins laughs at this and moves away from her friend. Lizzo Baggins walks over to the rope still dangling from whence they came)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Seriously as she looks up the rope) We've got to do something about this rope, Kram.we can't just leave it here for somebody to follow us down.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a small "tuh") Who's going to follow us down here, Miss Lizzo? They'd have to be pretty thick to even attempt going into this rock pit.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a flat tone) Uh, Kram.we're in the rock pit right now.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Awkwardly) Oh. (Looking up at the rope and pocketing the box) It's a real shame, you know. Lady Ashdriel gave me that! Real Elvish rope! (Walks over to where Lizzo Baggins stands and looks up) Still, it's one of my knots-it won't come down easily.  
  
(Kram Gamgee gives a shrug as she pulls once on the Elvish rope. We see the knot loosen and come apart immediately, and the rope goes tumbling down towards the two hobbits. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look up at the rope with astonishment upon their faces. When the rope finally lands with a soft thump! next to them, Lizzo Baggins looks at Kram Gamgee)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a small smile) Real Elvish rope.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looking down at the rope in an impressed manner) Wow.talk about convenient!  
  
(With a small laugh, Lizzo Baggins walks away from the scene. Kram Gamgee stares up at where the rope was previously tied and scratches her head in puzzlement. Then, we see the huge boulder that the rope was tied on fall upon Kram Gamgee's foot. Kram Gamgee gives a great shout of pain and wrenches her foot from under the boulder)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Grasping her foot and speaking angrily) Now, that's not so convenient! OUCH!  
  
(We see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee walking up a steep hill of Emyn Muil, each one looking very irritable at their travels. Kram Gamgee has the big bag of stuff on her back, and she looks a bit disgruntled at the fact that Lizzo Baggins doesn't have to carry anything. Then, we see them get to the top of the slope and look towards the horizon. We then see what they're looking at: the distant, forbidding Mordor, its orange fiery glow illuminated in the distance like a forbidding guide light)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a disgusted voice) Mordor.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (We see her and Lizzo Baggins as she looks in the distance and speaks with annoyance in her voice) Isn't it our luck? The one place we'd never go in a million years-and it's the one place we're trying to get to! (Looks at Lizzo Baggins and speaks with anger) Why couldn't Jauron have forged the Movie in some kind of a nice place-like the Shire or something?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Eyes go wide as she explains) Kram, if he had forged the Movie in the Shire, the Shire would be just as horrible and desolate as Mordor!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a dissatisfied "tut") Well at least it wouldn't have been such a long walk! And the Shire is a lot friendlier sounding than "Mordor"! Sounds like, "murder" gone terribly, terribly wrong!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a small shrug as she looks towards the distance) Maybe so-but as long as its there, we've gotta keep walking.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With bitterness in her voice as she looks about Emyn Muil) If we can get out of this horrible rock pit! Brimli wasn't joking-this place sucks!  
  
(They walk down the slope again. It is when they get to the bottom of the slope when Lizzo Baggins gives a small gasp, hunches over, and grasps her chest. Kram Gamgee runs up to her, looking concerned)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Grasping her friend's shoulders) Lizzo? Is something wrong? Acid indigestion? Heartburn or headache? (Curses under her breath) What a horrible time to be out of Alka Seltzer!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shaking her head as she straightens up, still grasping her chest) The Movie's getting heavier, Kram. (Pulls the Movie out from under her shirt from, and we see it dangling from its chain as Lizzo Baggins holds it for Kram Gamgee to see) It senses that we're getting closer to Mordor. It's trying to make an escape.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In an angry voice as she looks at the Movie) Oh! Is that the way it is, now? Well, I've got one thing to say about that! (Pulls the Movie by its chain, causing Lizzo Baggins to lurch forward from the forces, and she starts yelling at the Movie) Now you listen to me, buddy! I don't care if you're a "great Movie of Power"! To me, you're just a big nuisance! You're over five hundred years old, you need to quit acting like a three year old kid having a temper-tantrum in Wal Mart! You're going to Mordor, you're being cast into the Cracks of Doom, you're not being joined with your master, and that's the way it is! Get used to it!  
  
(The sunlight catches on the Movie, blinding poor Kram Gamgee. She lets out a shout of pain, lets go of the Movie, and covers her eyes)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a pathetic voice) I'm sorry I have upset you, Movie! Don't hurt me!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Placing the Movie back within her shirt and speaking again) It's very heavy, Kram. In fact-it's beginning to get so heavy that I can barely-barely-(Shakes her head and takes a swig of the water pouch. Once she has done that, she shakes her head) No matter now. (Looks at a concerned looking Kram Gamgee) What've we got to eat, Kram?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Opening her pouch eagerly and looking inside) Well, let's see. We've got lembas.lembas.and uh-(Pulls out some lembas and shrugs) more lembas. (Puts her hands in her pockets, and her eyes widen) Ooh! I think I may have some saltines in my pockets! I-oh, wait. (Face falls as she pulls out some lembas in a Ziploc bag) It's just some dried up lembas in a Ziploc. Sorry, Lizzo.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a small smile) I'll take some of the lembas. (Kram Gamgee breaks some lembas in half and hands the smaller half to Lizzo Baggins. Lizzo Baggins scolds at Kram Gamgee)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In an angry tone) Why do you get the bigger half?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In an agitated voice) Because I'm fat! What more do you want?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Scolding) You know, Kram, one bite of lembas is enough to fill the stomach of a full-grown man!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looks at Lizzo Baggins as if she's crazy) Lizzo.I'm a hobbit, not a full-grown man. I was used to eating six meals a day before this journey-cut me some freakin' slack!  
  
(Kram Gamgee begins to eat ravenously, but Lizzo Baggins is merely nibbling on hers-looking as if she has no appetite. Kram Gamgee looks over at Lizzo Baggins and sighs)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a firm voice) You've got to eat something, Miss Lizzo. You look dead on your feet-which look spectacular at the moment!  
  
(We get a shot of Lizzo Baggins' feet, which are quite well cared for. The hair upon them is quite shiny and well groomed)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (We see her face as she talks in an offhand sort of way) Yeah-I've been using a new conditioner. But anyways, I'm not much in the mood for eating at the moment, Kram. I've-thought too much to care about it.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a simple voice) The Movie?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (A simple shrug) Partly. But most of the time I'm thinking about the rest of the company-about Rippin, Jessie, Megolas, Jimagorn, and- and Mikomir. (Swallows as she says his name)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (A dark look coming about her face) I advise you keep your thoughts far from that man, Miss Lizzo! He's got a lot of nerve acting like he did to you-trying to take the Movie even though he was told-  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Interrupting with a small voice) It's not so easy to forget, Kram. You didn't see the look in his eyes. It was that look that seems to border upon madness and logic-and the need to take a crap. (Shudders) But it was that look that caused my trust to be tarnished- caused me to leave-(After a moment of saying nothing, she turns to Kram Gamgee) Do you think the company's all right?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a certain nod) I'm pretty sure of it, Miss Lizzo. Gazer knows what he's doing-and I'm pretty sure he'll be able to look after them. Lizzo Baggins: (In a distant voice) I miss them, Kram. I miss them a lot. More than anything-(Blinks slowly) I miss my old life.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (After a moment of awkward silence) Anything I can do to help, Miss Lizzo?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a bitter shake of her head) No. Unless-(Face brightens up as she looks at Kram Gamgee) you have a way of destroying the Movie without going to Mordor! Do you? Do you, Kram? (Grabbing Kram Gamgee by the shoulders) Because that would be great!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looking off to the side awkwardly) Er-sorry, Lizzo. Can't help you there.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a disappointed sigh) Oh. That's all right.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks down at her feet sadly, and Kram Gamgee puts her hand on her shoulder to assure her that whatever happens, Lizzo Baggins will not be alone. Then, Kram Gamgee clears her throat in an awkward way)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Possibly to change the subject) I don't really hold for foreign food-but this Elvish stuff (Indicates the lembas) is not so bad. (Takes a bite of the bread)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Smiling fondly at the other) Nothing ever seems to dampen your spirits, does it, Kram?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looking towards the distance, at the rain clouds approaching) Those rain clouds might.  
  
(We then see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee huddled next to one another, hoods pulled up, as they sit out a horrible rainstorm within the rocky ravine)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily, as her teeth chatter) Yep.definitely dampening my spirits, and a whole lot more!  
  
(Suddenly, we go to an area in the ravine slightly above the hobbits; we hear the foreboding sound of Jenolum hissing. Lizzo Baggins looks up immediately, hearing the noise, but she doesn't see anything. Still, Lizzo Baggins looks about suspiciously, drawing her cloak about her defensively. Then, we see that it is daylight, and our hobbit friends walking in Emyn Muil. It is about afternoon, and it is quite dreary and dismal)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a coincidental type voice) These rocks sure do look familiar.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks up and looks around wildly. Then, her face falls into a look of fury)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Anger rising as she speaks) That's because we've BEEN HERE before! Damn it! We're going in circles!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a simple voice as she looks about) That might explain why everything looks familiar.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a fierce cry of anger) Oh! This is hopeless! (Sits down roughly upon a rock and puts her face in her hands)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Running up to Lizzo Baggins to reassure her) No, Lizzo! Maybe it's not that bad! Maybe-Maybe-(Casting about for ideas) Maybe the rocks just moved! (A dark look coming to her face as she balls her hand into a fist) 'Cause if they did-!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Oh, let's just face it, Kram! We're lost! This is just dreadful! (Puts her face in her hands angrily)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Sitting besides Lizzo Baggins carefully, talking in a calm tone) Lizzo, don't fret! It-It could be worse, you know.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In an unconvinced tone as she faces her friend hopelessly) How so?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Casting about for reasons) Well, we could be in Mordor-we could be dead-or-Hey! (Grabs Lizzo Baggins' arm, forcing her to look at her) We could be in Kentucky!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shuddering as she thinks of it) Yeah-I suppose that is worse.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Sniffing the air, and scowling) God! Don't tell me I'm the only one that can smell that! Ugh! I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Raising an eyebrow at Kram Gamgee) Sure, Kram-"bog"! Rippin's not here, Kram-you can't blame her for the amount of gaseous release going on!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) No, you ninny! And I didn't even fart!  
  
(Suddenly, Lizzo Baggins jumps up as she hears something. Her eyes dart about the rocks, trying to distinguish the source of the noise. Kram Gamgee, looking very worried at the moment, looks at her friend, as Lizzo Baggins walks away to another group of rocks)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Standing up and watching her friend) Lizzo? What is it, Miss Lizzo?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking about nervously) I think I might have heard something, Kram. Something-Something unwanted.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Frowning) Don't look at me! Lizzo Baggins: (In a frustrated voice) No! I mean, something else. (Camera closes in on her face as she says it) I-don't think we're alone, Kram.  
  
(Kram Gamgee walks over to Lizzo Baggins and looks about nervously. Then, Kram Gamgee starts looking around under rocks. Lizzo Baggins scolds at her)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Kram, I don't think it's hiding under rocks!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Lifting a particularly large rock and glancing under it) Can't be too sure of these things, Miss Lizzo. Can't be too sure. 


	2. Scene Two: Jenolum Grr!

Scene Two  
  
(We now see Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee sleeping side by side by a large rocky slope. Lizzo Baggins looks surprisingly content, despite her recent worries. But they are not alone. We hear the raspy breath of Jenolum, and see her coming down the slope, hissing and cursing as she goes, her pale eyes fixed upon the hobbits. She is in tattered clothing, looking as if she has been traveling on the road forever)  
  
Jenolum: (In a raspy, hissing voice, full of hate) Thieeeves! They's stolen it from us! They's stolen the preccccioussss! They's taken it from usssss! (We now see her reaching out towards the sleeping hobbits hungrily) And now we's wants it back! It's-only fair to usssss!  
  
(Jenolum's fingers are just inches from Lizzo Baggins' head, but then we see Kram Gamgee's eyes snap open and she grabs Jenolum's slimy hand. With a fierce cry, Kram Gamgee pulls Jenolum from the slope and throws her towards a pile of rocks. Lizzo Baggins is awake and her eyes livid with fear as she sees Jenolum make a rush at her. But Kram Gamgee runs into the creature before she is even one yard towards Lizzo Baggins. We see Kram Gamgee and Jenolum tumble over to some rocks, Kram Gamgee on top and ready to strike at the evil creature. But Jenolum hisses-showing her fangs-and bites Kram Gamgee on the shoulder. Kram Gamgee howls in pain, and hits Jenolum on the head with a large, nearby frying pan. Jenolum-dazed and cross-eyed-falls back, and Kram Gamgee moves away towards Lizzo Baggins, who's on her feet at the moment)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a smug tone) And you laughed at me when I told you that frying pans could be used for defense mechanisms!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins frowns at Kram Gamgee, but then looks away when she suddenly hears a hissing, enraged Jenolum in the crouched position, and eyeing Kram Gamgee with a furious look. Kram Gamgee's eyes widen, and she brings up the frying pan to shield her face. We see Jenolum pounce towards Kram Gamgee, but Lizzo Baggins jumps in front of her friend. When Jenolum runs into Lizzo Baggins, the hobbit brings Jenolum down on the ground. They struggle for a long time, tumbling among the rocks and occasionally running into the wall. There's a nearby river, and the struggling pair fight their way into the river. Kram Gamgee runs towards the bank and sees if she can help her friend, but just as she reaches the bank, both Lizzo Baggins and Jenolum emerge from the water, still fighting hysterically-probably more so now, adding to the fact that they're both wet-and roll on the other side of the river. Kram Gamgee watches them with wide eyes)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shocked) Wow! That's outstanding!  
  
(We now see the fray that is Lizzo Baggins and Jenolum. Jenolum is on top of the hobbit, scratching and hissing, occasionally grabbing the chain that holds the Movie. But Lizzo Baggins isn't going to let it go so easily. Lizzo Baggins pulls Jenolum's hair, and the creature lets out a horrible shriek and breaks away momentarily. That is the moment that Lizzo Baggins jumps on Jenolum, and the camera shows her pull out Sting. Jenolum stops struggling the moment she sees the fierce blade just inches from her face)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Face contorted in fury) This is Sting. You recognize the blade, don't you? (Waving it slightly in Jenolum's face to intimidate her) You remember it from long ago, don't you?  
  
(We see Kram Gamgee come over to Lizzo Baggins from the river slowly, still clutching her shoulder and a bit disgruntled from her previous fight. She keeps her distance from the two, seeing that this is something that doesn't need to be more difficult than it is)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Still talking in a tone that tells Jenolum who's really in charge) You really should have known, Jenolum. You think I wasn't aware of you following us? (Laughs) I could sense your presence with each step I took-I could almost smell you!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a disgruntled tone) Which wasn't very pretty, I'll have you know!  
  
Jenolum: (We see her looking very frightened and pathetic) Don't hurts us! We's just wants the preciousss!  
  
(Both of the hobbits look at one another in curiosity)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Her hand not wavering as she holds the sword) "Precious"? What do you mean, exactly?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a bossy tone) And it better not be my frying pans!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks at Kram Gamgee with a disbelieving glance)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Wondering what the big deal is) What? They were expensive!  
  
Jenolum: (In a desperate voice, her eyes occasionally darting towards the dangerous blade) The precioussss! We's just want the precioussss! (Her eyes focus upon Lizzo Baggins' shirt, where the Movie is safely concealed) The precioussss! You must give usss the precioussss!  
  
(Jenolum makes a furious grab towards the Movie's chain, but Lizzo Baggins holds her down with her palm on her head. Jenolum struggles for a moment, her hands flailing uselessly. She then starts pouting)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Not falling for the creature's sorrow) I've learned-a long time ago-to never trust you! I believe it was you who promised to take my aunt across an underground lake.but you had other plans. (Eyes narrow suspiciously) Plans that involved devouring a poor hobbit!  
  
Jenolum: (With a brief smile) A simple misunderstanding!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Rather viciously) Well, let's just hope that no further "misunderstandings" make themselves present!  
  
Jenolum: (In a pleading voice) Kind hobbits! They's wouldn't kills us, would they? No! They mustn't kills us! We's live to serve the precioussss!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Still rubbing her shoulder, and a bit disgruntled) Don't trust her, Miss Lizzo! She tried to kill us!  
  
Jenolum: (Very nervous) We's didn't understand what we's was doing! We's was only serving the precioussss!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Eyes narrowing suspiciously) Oh, so that's how it is, eh?  
  
(Kram Gamgee reaches over to Lizzo Baggins' neck and pulls out the Movie. Lizzo Baggins yelps, but Kram Gamgee is eyeing the Movie with extreme dislike)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (To the Movie) Nice going, pal, but it's not going to work! Sending some slimy creature to do your dirty work now? You make me sick! Now, (Yelling, causing Lizzo Baggins to flinch from the noise) STOP TRYING TO KILL US!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Frustrated, pulling the Movie from Kram Gamgee) Damn it, Kram! Stop yelling! You're hurting my ears! (Puts the Movie back under her shirt, and looks at Jenolum, still suspicious) You were trying to kill us because the Movie told you to do so?  
  
Jenolum: (Nodding) The precioussss! The precioussss told us to kill them!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Giving a great "tut" of disbelief) Bah! I had an uncle that used to steal from local drugstores, and whenever he was caught he told the police that his wallet told him to do so! And when he forgot his wallet, he would blame his pocket watch! (Rolls her eyes) I've seen it a thousand times!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Holds out a hand to silence Kram Gamgee, and continues to speak to Jenolum, still interested) So-you were only doing as the Mov-I mean-as the "precious" told you to do?  
  
Jenolum: (In a pathetic voice) Yes! We's would never harms the hobbits! We's would never harms a fly! We's just obey our master-(Eyeing Lizzo Baggins with a secret hunger) and the preciousss is our master!  
  
(Kram Gamgee looks unconvinced, rather annoyed actually. But Lizzo Baggins looks as though she has come up with an idea. Hiding the smile that is about to curl on her lips, Lizzo Baggins draws closer to Jenolum as she speaks) Lizzo Baggins: Well, if that's the case, then I run by what the precious is telling me! (Jenolum's eyes widen in disbelief) And since I am wielder of the precious, than you are mine to control! You follow my rules!  
  
Jenolum: (Shaking her head) No! They's don't wants us! We's a ball and chain! We's as useless as the hobbit over there! (Points quickly to Kram Gamgee)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Scolding at Jenolum) Well, somebody's not getting a "welcome to the group" card! (Crosses her arms stubbornly)  
  
Jenolum: (Pleading to Lizzo Baggins) We's no use to the group! They let us go? Yes! They lets us go and we's not bother them anymore!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Coldly) Until your precious calls again-or if you're having a craving for hobbit stew!  
  
Jenolum: (About to argue, but reconsiders as she thinks of something) Mmm."hobbit stew".  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shaking Jenolum to bring her back to reality) I also go by what the precious tells me, Jenolum-(Camera shows her face looking very controlling at the moment) and it tells me that you are not to be trusted!  
  
(We see Jenolum angrily hiss at Lizzo Baggins. Then, we see Jenolum being dragged by the neck by the Elven rope that was given to Kram Gamgee in Lothlorien. It is in the daytime and Jenolum is hissing in agony and screaming. Jenolum also is wearing headphones)  
  
Jenolum: (Between screams of pain) Takes it off us! It burns us! It burns! (Screams)  
  
(We now see Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee. Kram Gamgee is pulling on the rope, and both hobbits look exhausted)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking towards Kram Gamgee and speaking with anger) She's been shouting for four hours! It's driving me crazy!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a reasonable tone) Sorry, Miss Lizzo, but this is the only way we can keep her under control!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a scolding voice) We're leading her on like a freakin' dog on a leash!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Blinks for a moment in misunderstanding) Your point being.?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Rolls her eyes) This is ridiculous! We're treating her like an animal!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Still looking stumped) Still don't see your point. Lizzo Baggins: (Rather flatly) We can't treat her like this!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a stressing tone) Would you like her to run away so that she can rip our throats out? Did you see that look in her eyes when she attacked us, Miss Lizzo? That was hunger-a need to kill! I don't care about that rubbish she poured out about "the precious", because to me, it's just a scam to get away from us! If we let her go, she's going to come back, and we'll live long enough for her to tell us, (In a rather dopey voice) "Oops! Sorry! The precious made me do it!" (Gives a sigh of anger) Still don't know how you convinced me to let her come with!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a simple tone) What do you mean? I said, "Kram, let's bring Jenolum along!" and you said, "No! I don't want that thing coming with us!" And we argued and argued and argued, had a bite of lembas, argued some more-you found a penny-and I noticed a really big slug on the rocks and you said-  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Annoyed) All right! All right! I don't need you to remind me! I'm just saying that this is a really bad idea!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Defensively) Yeah, well that's what you think. I think she'll help us along the way.  
  
(We hear Jenolum let out an earsplitting scream, causing both hobbits to flinch)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Pointedly) Hasn't been that much help to us, now has she?  
  
Jenolum: (Shouting) It burns! It BURNS!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looking back at Jenolum and talking in a rash tone) That's enough out of you, miss! It's just a rope! And you brought this on yourself!  
  
Jenolum: (Moaning) It burns us! It's touch burns us!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking back with wide eyes) Kram, what rope are you using?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Wondering what this could have to do with anything) The rope I got from Lady Ashdriel, Miss Lizzo. You know, before we left Lothlorien.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shocked and speaking angrily) Kram! That's Elven rope! You can't use Elven rope on Jenolum! Take it off of her!  
  
(Grumbling slightly, Kram Gamgee removes the rope from Jenolum's neck. Even though the rope has been removed, however, Jenolum continues to scream in agony. Lizzo Baggins runs up to them looking both bewildered and concerned)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Noticing that Jenolum is wearing headphones and frowns) What's she got headphones on for? Kram Gamgee: (Shrugging) She wanted to listen to some music, so I let her listen to my CD player.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Still frowning at Jenolum) Well, what's she listening to?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shrugging again) Yani.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking at Kram Gamgee with a horrified expression) YOU MONSTER!  
  
Jenolum: (Clutching her ears and howling) It burns us! It burns us! The pain! The pain! (Gets in crouching position and clutching her head as if it were to explode) Please takes it away from us! We's will do anything! Please do not make us listen to it! We's not had to endure so much pain since got taken to Mordor and was forced to watch endless episodes of Full House! (Howls at the memory) Takes it away! Takes it away! We's didn't mean to tread too close to Mordor-honestly!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Suddenly getting an idea) Wait a moment! (Rushes over to Jenolum and takes off the headphones. Once Jenolum stops howling, she speaks again) You know the way to Mordor?  
  
Jenolum: (Looks at Lizzo Baggins with frightened eyes as she considers her answer) Yes. We's been there and back again-knows the route by heart! Knows it better than anyone!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a frustrated tone) Come on, Lizzo. She's obviously no good for us.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins shushes Kram Gamgee and focuses her attention on Jenolum)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (After a long moment of hesitation) Can you lead us to Mordor?  
  
Jenolum: (Really wondering what to do) Yes.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins stares intently at Jenolum, obviously trying to discern fact from fiction. Kram Gamgee looks highly untrustworthy as she stares at the two. Finally, Lizzo Baggins has made up her mind)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a simple voice to Jenolum) You will lead us to the Black Gate.  
  
(We see Jenolum immediately run off, occasionally stumbling upon the loose rock and frantically running as fast as she can. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee run behind, desperate to keep up with the creature. Then, we begin to hear Jenolum frantically talk to herself)  
  
Jenolum: (In a scared tone) To the Gate! To the Gate, the master says! (In a very evil, menacing tone) No! We cannot go back there! Not to him! Jenolum! Jenolum! (In her frightened, confused tone) But we swore to serve the precious! (Angry) I don't care who told us! We're not going back there! There's nothing but dust, and ashes, and thirst, and pits.pits.pits. And Orcs-thousands of Orcs! And always the Eye is watching.waiting for it! It's not a happy place, Jenolum! Not happy at all!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee stop to stare at Jenolum, perched upon her rock as she debates with herself. Once Jenolum catches sight of the two hobbits, however, she hisses in a hostile way and dashes away. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look at one another in astonishment)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In an angry tone) And you didn't think she was an animal!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting at Jenolum) Jenolum! Come back here! Come back!  
  
(Both the hobbits try and pursue Jenolum, but once they turn a corner, they see that she is gone. Both the hobbits stop and take a breather)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) There! You happy now? What'd I tell you? She's run off, the gangly villain! I told you we couldn't trust her!  
  
(Then, we suddenly see Jenolum pop out from some rocks in front of the hobbits, looking quite cheerful at the moment)  
  
Jenolum: (Getting up and running to the front of the hobbits, so that she can lead) We's will lead them to Mordor! We's will go now! We's know the best route! (Points ahead) They's follow us this way! (Runs off into the distance)  
  
(The hobbits run after her, Kram Gamgee looks at Lizzo Baggins with a disbelieving stare)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a hysterical whisper) Have you lost your mind, Lizzo? Do you know what you're doing?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a calm tone) Yeah-I'm getting us a free guide to Mordor. She'll lead us into Mordor.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Still unnerved) More likely she'll lead us right into a company of large Orcs! I've got a bad feeling about this!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Simply) Well don't. Something tells me that she's not going to do anything without my authorization. You forget, Kram, (Pats her chest, where the Movie is concealed and gives her friend a wink) I've got the "precious". I trust her, Kram.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins speeds up, and Kram Gamgee is running behind them, still a bit disgruntled)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a very quiet whisper) Oh, that's reassuring!  
  
(We see an overhead view of the three travelers traveling along the rocks of Emyn Muil) 


	3. Scene Three: Urak hai and Gropers

Scene Three  
  
(We now see the remaining Urak-hai Members running along the grassy plains, heading towards Isengard, which is a fair distance away. The camera catches Urak-hai Members#2 & 3 with something other than armor or weapons upon their back: two hobbits, Rippin Took and Jessie Brandybuck. We see Rippin Took's face, which is livid with fear as she looks about. Her hair is in a very messy ponytail, with some dirt and blood flecked in. She looks over at Jessie Brandybuck, who's glasses are askew and her eyes are closed)  
  
Rippin Took: (As she bounces with the rhythm of the Urak-hai Member#2 carrying her, she speaks in a frightened whisper to her friend) Jessie? Jessie?  
  
(There is no answer-Jessie Brandybuck is still out of it, her head lolling about as the company of Orcs move. Looking very forlorn, Rippin Took looks at her Urak-hai Member#2)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a nervous tone) Yeah-uh, excuse me-big, mean Orc dude? I don't suppose you could take it easy on your trot there? It's really uncomfortable bouncing about for about five hours, you know.  
  
(The Urak-hai Member#2 responds with a rapid jump, causing Rippin Took's head to bang right into his armor. When she pulls away, she's rather cross- eyed)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a simple tone) Well-that was mature!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (In a gruff voice) Shut up!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a calm, bargaining tone) You know, that's not going to get you very far in life. Kidnapping little hobbits and hurting them isn't going to get you any higher on the social scale, you know!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Still angry) Oh shut up, you weak little halfling!  
  
Rippin Took: (Shakes her head in disappointment) Typical. Insult the halfling as a defense mechanism. It's kind of sad, really. You know, you should really concentrate on being more considerate towards others rather than tossing death threats!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (About to respond viciously, but suddenly considers the hobbit's words. He talks with understanding) Hey! You might be right!  
  
Rippin Took: (Happily) There we go!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Still in an understanding tone) I've been so focused on being the tough one in the group, I never thought about anyone's feelings! I've been spouting out unnecessary rage! Rippin Took: (Nodding) That's more like it!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (In a humble tone) Maybe instead of releasing my rage in a bad way, I could channel it towards something else. Like-maybe I could take up kickball!  
  
Rippin Took: (Very happy that this is going somewhere) That's the spirit, old chap! Kickball's a great way to channel your rage!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Sighing at the thought) Yeah, kickball-and maybe I could use a nice hobbit's head! (Laughs evilly and resumes running)  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking very crestfallen) Yeah-I kind of had that one coming, didn't I?  
  
(Camera suddenly shows Urak-hai Member#1 stop in his tracks, along with the rest of the Orcs. Then he looks towards some nearby boulders as many new Orcs make their appearance-ones of a new clan meeting to join the others. We see Urak-hai Member#8 walk towards the group, looking very menacing and untrustworthy)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Boldly to Urak-hai Member#1) You're late.  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (In a very ill-tempered tone) I'm sorry-I lost my watch back when we were fighting! Which reminds me! Where the hell were you guys? We called for reinforcements ages ago!  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (In a defensive, hissing voice) We have our own reasons!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Angrily) I should hope they do not have to deal with that scrap booking fair in town!  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Looking very shifty eyed) And if they do? (Shaking his head as he spots the hobbits) Well-the main thing is that we are here. We can take the hobbits from here-give you a bit of a breather.  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (In a relieved tone) Whoo! Thanks you guys! I could really use a break! I think I'm getting a back sore!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Holding up a fist menacingly at Urak-hai Member#8) I do not take orders from Orc maggots!  
  
(Urak-hai Member#8 gives a great hiss of dislike at the other-this is not going to be a happy group after all. Rippin Took looks towards Jessie Brandybuck, who's mouth is open and looking liable to retch. Rippin Took looks horrified at her friend's condition. Seeking aid, Rippin Took looks to Urak-hai Member#4, who is drinking from his flask greedily)  
  
Rippin Took: (Timidly to the Orc) My friend is sick! (Nods to Jessie Brandybuck) She needs water! (Desperately) Please! Give her some water!  
  
(Urak-hai Member#4 hisses at Rippin Took, but Urak-hai Member#1 looks at the scene and gives a great laugh)  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (In a sarcastic tone) Sick, is she? Give her some medicine, boys!  
  
Urak-hai Member#3: (Going through his pockets quickly) Er-which kind? Children's cough medicine, or some flu medicine? I might even have some Comtrex if I look hard enough-!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Irritably) No! I mean-(To Urak-hai Member#4) give her some of your Orc draught!  
  
(Rippin Took raises an eyebrow suspiciously at this, but Urak-hai Member#4 is already pouring some of the black, syrupy draught down Jessie Brandybuck's throat. Jessie Brandybuck begins to cough and sputter, shaking her head quickly to rid herself of the taste. Many of the Orcs laugh at the scene, while Rippin Took looks upon the scene with horror in her eyes, fearing that Jessie Brandybuck could choke to death)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Gargling through the draught) It tastes like fish heads and Nyquil!  
  
Rippin Took: (Loudly to the Orcs) Stop it! Leave her alone!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Evilly to the hobbit) Why? You want some?  
  
Rippin Took: (After swallowing in fear) Er-no.I don't really settle with poison!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Evilly) Then keep your mouth shut!  
  
(Rippin Took bites her lip and the other Orcs laugh in evil joy. Jessie Brandybuck is still coughing up the draught, quite disgusted by the taste and texture)  
  
Rippin Took: (Nervously to Jessie Brandybuck) Jessie! I'm so sorry! I never would have-!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Irritably) I'm fine! It's nothing I can't handle-I've tasted one of Kram's blueberry pies; once you fully consume one of them, everything seems to taste better. (Seriously as she looks at Rippin Took) Don't worry about me, Rippin-don't worry.  
  
(And with that, Jessie Brandybuck goes back to her uneasy rest, leaving Rippin Took alone and frightened. Then, we see Urak-hai Member#1 put his fist in the air to silence the rest of the group. He sniffs the air and gives a hiss of distaste)  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (In an evil voice) Man flesh!  
  
(The other Orcs grumble their dislike. We see Jessie Brandybuck and Rippin Took. Rippin Took is straining her ears to see if she can catch anything else, and Jessie Brandybuck turns her head slightly)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Eyes still closed and in a groggy voice) Maybe-Rippin farted again?  
  
Rippin Took: (Even though her friend is alive, still rather angry) Damn it, Jessie! I did not fart!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Irritably) Teaches-you to-pull that draught-crap on me, eh?  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Camera shows him shaking his head and looking about with narrow eyes) No! It is the scent of a foul man! (Turns to his troops) We are being pursued!  
  
Rippin Took: (We see her eyes widen and she silently mouths) Jimagorn!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Speaking to his troops in a loud voice) Let's move out!  
  
(The troop begins to move again, with a faster pace, this time. We see Rippin Took, her head bouncing; tilt her head so that her jaw fastens upon the leaf broach upon her cloak. Silently, she tears it off and spits it off to the side. The camera follows its course until it lands, then goes back to Rippin Took, who is moving her jaw about)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a quiet voice) Ouch! That smarts!  
  
(Then, we see three new people, far behind the Orc company, running along the grasslands: Jimagorn, Megolas, and Brimli. Jimagorn is running up front, occasionally glancing at the ground for any sign of the hobbits they are tracking. Megolas and Brimli are running behind-way behind. They are huffing and puffing, trying to keep up to Jimagorn. Finally, Jimagorn looks behind him-rolls his eyes at what he sees-and stops to wait for the others to catch up)  
  
Brimli: (When she stops, she leans on her axe and speaks in an exhausted tone) This-is-crazy! I've-never-run so much!  
  
Megolas: (In a frustrated tone between breaths) Why-are we running-exactly?  
  
Jimagorn: (Frowning at his friends) In case you haven't noticed, those Orcs up there have our hobbit friends! We have to catch them!  
  
Megolas: (Out of breath) Well, so far, we haven't been doing too well. Those Orcs are way ahead of us! Jimagorn: (A tinge of red appearing on his cheeks) All right! All right! (In a low voice) I look sexier when I run.  
  
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes) That's what I thought.  
  
Brimli: (Still exhausted) So, are we taking a break? Man! All this running and straining is not good for my heart! (Clutches her chest as she breathes) Dang my family's horrible high cholesterol problems!  
  
Megolas: (Rather coolly) I don't want to hear about your family's heart problems, Brimli! If you ask me, you could've prevented it all with avoiding that Burger King in Moria!  
  
Brimli: (Glaring at the Elf) Easy for you to say, you-salad eater!  
  
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes) Oh no! Not the salad remark! Please! Spare me your amperage of insults, please!  
  
Brimli: (Clutching her axe angrily) Yeah! I'll give you an insult! And it involves my axe going up your-!  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting) KNOCK IT OFF!  
  
Megolas: (Out of the corner of her mouth) Shorty!  
  
Brimli: (Out of the corner of her mouth) Salad eater!  
  
Jimagorn: (Rather frustrated) You know, you guys aren't really helping me! We could be looking for the hobbits and instead you guys are arguing endlessly with one another!  
  
Megolas: (Glaring at Jimagorn) Oh! And you've been a real help? I take it all that touching yourself is supposed to signal allying forces?  
  
Jimagorn: (Grasping his chest in defense) Megolas, how many times must I explain it to you? Morale is the first thing that a group leader needs to carry out a mission! If I am to lead this mission successfully, I must have confidence in myself! (Sighs as if to say, "Duh!" and strokes himself fondly on the chest)  
  
Megolas: (Giving him an incredulous stare) What do you mean "leader of the group"? As far as I'm concerned, you're just a guy from-from-(Thinks for a moment, then comes to a conclusion) some part of Middle Earth, and now you're some kind of leader?  
  
Jimagorn: (Eyes widening in surprise) Does that shock you?  
  
Megolas: (Giving a laugh of annoyance) I can't believe what I'm hearing! How come you're the leader? I don't think Kendalf told us that you were supposed to be the leader!  
  
Jimagorn: (Pulls his look into a very far-off look, like he's reminiscing something) He did say something, once. Before we were going down the stairs to the bridge of Khazad-dûm, he grabbed my shoulder and said, "Lead them on, Jimagorn!" (Shakes his head in grim remembrance)  
  
Brimli: (Nodding in understanding) That's a pretty good argument, if you ask me.  
  
Megolas: (Obviously not convinced) Why should I even believe you, Jimagorn? A few days ago, you swore to me that you saw a water nymph in that lake we passed earlier! But once I braved a look, you used the opportunity to push me in, headfirst!  
  
(If Megolas expected some understanding, she's not getting any. At her statement, Jimagorn and Brimli break out laughing, Brimli having to lean on her axe from the laughs. Jimagorn's laughs are quite loud, but he does not remove his hand from his chest. Megolas does not look as enthused)  
  
Brimli: (Still laughing) Oh yeah! I forgot about that, Megolas! I needed a good laugh, Megolas! Thanks!  
  
(Megolas gives Brimli a very dirty look)  
  
Jimagorn: (Laughing softly as he speaks) All right, Megolas! It's noted- it's noted! (Stops laughing immediately as he speaks next) But seriously, Megolas, Kendalf entrusted me with the company, or what's left of it, at least.  
  
(Megolas looks very disbelieving, and Brimli stops laughing as she watches the scene. Jimagorn's eyes widen)  
  
Jimagorn: It's true! I assure you! (When both Dwarf and Elf still look unconvinced, he sighs and pulls out a huge packet of paper) You want proof? You got it!  
  
Megolas: (Giving a laugh as she looks at the paper) What're you going to do: read me my rights?  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) No! (Tosses the packet to the Elf, who catches it) It's scene seventeen of Fellowship of the Movie-the last scene with Kendalf! (When the Elf still looks bemused) Read through it, if you don't believe me!  
  
(For a moment, Megolas simply stares at Jimagorn, who is looking rather sour at being contradicted. Whatever defense the Elf had expected, she definitely did not expect this. Knowing better than to back down, Megolas thumbs through the script, her eyes scanning the pages as she goes)  
  
Megolas: (Mumbling as she reads) Let's see-Orcs and Goblins are chasing after us.monsters suddenly scatter.Jessie accuses Rippin of farting.Kendalf displays his horrible "fire demon" pun.Ah! (Eyes widens as she reads) "Lead them on, Jimagorn!" (Looks up in a flash) Holy bomb shelters-he was right!  
  
Brimli: (Eyes widening in shock) Really? No! (Looks from Jimagorn to Megolas rapidly) This can't be good! I don't want him leading us! Some-no good, self-groping loony from the lands of Men! There's gotta be a mistake!  
  
Megolas: (Looking rather grim) Sorry, Brimli, but it's there. Jimagorn's the leader of this company. (Tosses the script back to Jimagorn) He makes our decisions now.  
  
Jimagorn: (Pocketing the script) Thank you, Megolas, for your consideration.  
  
Megolas: (Darkly) Hey! Hey! Hey! I said you're our leader-I didn't necessarily say I agreed with you!  
  
Jimagorn: (Shrugging carelessly as he strokes himself) Not a lot of people agree with me-but that doesn't stop me from believing myself to be an extremely handsome, sex-symbol.  
  
(Both Megolas and Brimli roll their eyes at this-apparently, their leader's self-pride still annoys him)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a dramatic tone) But enough of this grim reminiscence! We have two hobbit friends out there that require our aid and mercy-neither of which is being delivered by the Urak-hai members holding them captive!  
  
Brimli: (In a small tone) And if they are, Jimagorn?  
  
Jimagorn: (In a grim tone) Then, God help us all!  
  
(Suddenly, Jimagorn flattens himself upon the ground, putting his head to the rock and closing his eyes in concentration. Megolas and Brimli look at one another in confusion-not knowing whether to laugh or be concerned with the situation at hand)  
  
Megolas: (Awkwardly) Er-Jimagorn-I don't mean to sound rude, but what the hell are you doing?  
  
(Jimagorn does not answer immediately, listening to the ground carefully. Finally, he raises his head and looks to the distance)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a concerned tone) The Urak-hai members have quickened their pace-they have caught our scent! (Looks at the two members of the company and frowns) I told you we should have taken a bath yesterday!  
  
Brimli: (Frowning) It's not our fault! If this were a Terry Brooks' novel, we all would have been taking baths by now! Megolas: (Sounding rather frustrated) I highly doubt that any of Terry Brooks' characters would suggest the idea that we all take a bath together! (Glares at Jimagorn)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a defensive tone) It's not my fault you guys aren't as open as I about sharing your body to the world!  
  
Megolas: (Looking quite disgusted as she shivers, straightening her quiver over her shoulder) You are so lucky you've got Narwen!  
  
Jimagorn: (Cocking his eyebrow rather slyly towards the Elf) Why, Megolas, I had no idea you cared about me that way!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) I don't, you Man pervert! Now-(Looking serious as she draws her bow) what of the situation at hand? What of the hobbits?  
  
Jimagorn: (Shaking his head to bring himself back into the situation) Of course! Let us run-we should try and catch up with them!  
  
(Jimagorn dashes into the distance, causing Megolas and Brimli to groan at the prospect of running endlessly again. The three members of the company are seen running from overhead, Jimagorn ahead of the other two considerably. Pretty soon, the company is dashing on the borders of Rohan, the rocks jutting from the earth like great sleeping giants. We suddenly see Rippin Took's leaf broach embedded into the earth, barely visible to anyone passing. Yet, somehow, Jimagorn spots it and bends to pick it up delicately. His face is drawn in deep concern)  
  
Jimagorn: (Quietly) Not idly do the leaves of Lórien fall.  
  
(We see Megolas and Brimli stop behind him. Both look rather confused)  
  
Megolas: (Bemused) Wha?  
  
Jimagorn: (A bit annoyed that nobody understood, turning about to face them) It's one of the hobbits' leaf broaches from Lórien! (Looks to the distance as he runs his fingers delicately upon the leaf broach) They could be alive.  
  
Brimli: (In a simple tone) Or-they could be dead, and the Urak-hai members managed to leave behind one of the hobbits' broaches after decapitating them.  
  
(Both Jimagorn and Megolas scowl openly as they look at Brimli, who looks confused as she sees their stares)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) What? I'm just saying!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a serious tone as he pockets the broach) Well, either way, we have to find them. (They run a short distance-very short-before Jimagorn holds up his hand in caution. They stop and look towards the plains below them at the base of the hill they stand on-the Rohan)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a serious note) The Rohan. (Camera catches his face as he speaks, looking very suspicious) Something strange is at work here. A strange power gives these creatures speed-works hard against us.  
  
Brimli: (Very quietly to Megolas) Well, duh!  
  
(Megolas flashes a hearty grin, and then darts off towards a huge boulder on the hill. She is squinting in the distance, as if looking for something. Jimagorn looks at her, walks over to her, and speaks lowly. As he does so, Brimli moves slowly towards them)  
  
Jimagorn: (Quietly) What do your Elf-eyes see, Megolas?  
  
Megolas: (After squinting for a long time) The blackish, mass of specks-I suppose those are the Urak-hai-are turning northeast. (Her eyes widen in disbelief) They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!  
  
Jimagorn: (Looks towards the plains, a dark look upon his face as he utters a single name) Andraman. 


	4. Scene Four: Back At Isengard

Scene Four  
  
(We see the desolate, evil land of Isengard. Here and there, we see Orcs running about the tree-less terrain, fulfilling unknown duties for the wizard who inhabits the tall, black tower right in the center. The pits from which the evil is brewed glow like fresh wounds upon the earth, smoke rising from them eerily. Then, we see Andraman inside his tower, waving his hand above the Palantir, his face etched in concentration and pride. We see the Eye of Jauron clearly mirrored within the orb amidst the black mists swirling in it. We hear Andraman speak)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (In a menacing tone) The world is changing-for the better, my Dark Lord. The old inhabitants of this world stand no chance against this force that grows, my Lord. You do not stand alone-for nobody can contend with the power of Isengard at your command. It is the union of Isengard and Mordor-(We begin to see the grim land of Mordor, and the camera slowly moves up the Black Tower) two critics, who deem this world's present condition unfavorable. Together, my Dark Lord, we shall rule Middle-earth!  
  
(We then reach the tip of the Black Tower, where we see the Eye of Jauron- snoozing peacefully. When it realizes that Andraman has been speaking to it, it snaps open-its flames growing slightly brighter as it awakens)  
  
Eye of Jauron: (In an alert tone) I'm up! I'm up! (Looks about to see if the speaker is close, but sees nothing. It speaks in a rather agitated note) Oh, damn it! Is Andraman talking to me again? Dear Lord! He just talked to me two hours ago-and that's when I started falling asleep! I swear! Ever since I made him my puppet, he just doesn't know when to shut up! "My name's Andraman! I'm a traitor to the Wizard's Council, but I don't care! I like to make a whole bunch of Orcs run about Isengard and lick the lint from between my toes! I've got a Palantir and I use it to bother my master all the time!" Gees! He just keeps bugging me and bugging me and BUGGING ME! And it's the same, useless garble he's been saying for months! All right! We're taking over the world! I get it already! Man!  
  
(We go back to Isengard, where we see Orcs running about, felling the trees surrounding Isengard. As one falls down a pit, we see Orc#8 from the first movie-heavily bandaged from the tree that fell on it from last time-look up and shout as this tree falls on him)  
  
Orc#8: (As the tree comes closer) Not again!  
  
(The tree falls on Orc#8, and we see Orc#9-also from the first movie- clenching its teeth as it eyes the scene. He obviously didn't expect to hit anybody)  
  
Orc#9: (In a courteous tone) Sorry, man! I didn't expect to-  
  
Orc#8: (Muffled from the tree upon it) Oh, SHUT UP!  
  
(We hear Andraman speaking again, and we also see him moving about the pits, surveying the scenes with great satisfaction upon his face)  
  
Voice of Andraman: The old world shall burn in the fires of industry-  
  
Narrator: (Interrupting with a laugh) Sure, Andraman! Fires of "industry"! I think we all know what you mean!  
  
Voice of Andraman: (Angrily) Will you get the hell out of here, already? I'm trying to read my lines!  
  
Narrator: (Rather offended) Well-I was just coming in here asking if you wanted some coffee, considering you made such a big deal of it yesterday! But-since you're being such a big crap head, you're not getting any! I wash my hands at you, Andraman!  
  
Voice of Andraman: (In a voice that sounds annoyed) Narrator, don't be-!  
  
Narrator: (Angrily) I said, "Kiss my ass!"  
  
(We hear a door slam from far-off and we hear Andraman sigh)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (Mumbling angrily) Stupid narrators, never did anyone any good! Only needed 'em for the first movie, but they're still hanging about the place, damn it! (Clearing throat and talking with menacing tone again) A new age of power will rise from the old.  
  
(We see Andraman stop to watch Orcs#1, 2, & 3 forging dangerous looking weapons. The Orcs acknowledge him with either a hiss or a nod, and Andraman walks away. We see Orc#1 pick up the sword he's been working on and smile at it. Orc#2 sneaks a look at it)  
  
Orc#1: (After noticing the other watching him) What do you think? Menacing enough, for you?  
  
Orc#2: (After looking at it for a while) It's a nice sword, fellow Orc.  
  
Orc#3: (Looks up sharply at the other Orcs) Swords? We're supposed to be making swords? (Picks up his weapon-which is actually a bright purple umbrella) Ah, CRAP!  
  
Orc#2: (Looks at the umbrella and shrugs) Well-maybe no one will notice.  
  
Orc#1: (Laughs doubtfully) Oh sure! Andraman's just going to let that slide! Face it, man! You are sooo screwed! An umbrella! HA! Quite ridiculous!  
  
(Orc#1 laughs heartily, finding the whole situation quite hysterical. Then, Orc#3 takes the umbrella and stabs Orc#1 in the stomach with a sharp movement. Orc#1 gives a grunt before he plops down on a pile of broken blades and dies. Orc#2 looks at Orc#3 with surprise mirrored upon his face. Orc#3 is studying the blade carefully)  
  
Orc#3: (In a logical tone) I don't know what he was talking about-it has a pretty good plunge, after all. A little dull, understand, but that can be fixed.  
  
Orc#2: (Nodding in understanding) I agree with that.  
  
(We see Andraman walk over to Orcs#4 & 5, who are working on armory. They bow their heads at the wizard, and Andraman smiles fondly and walks off. Orc#5 picks up a helmet nearby and studies it carefully. Then, unsure of something, he taps Orc#4 on the shoulder. Orc#4 looks at the other)  
  
Orc#5: (In a feminine voice) Tell me honestly, does it look like my helmet has a dent in it? (Shows the other the helmet delicately)  
  
Orc#4: (After studying the helmet carefully, speaking in the same feminine voice) No, honey, it's just so precious!  
  
(We hear Andraman speak again as we see him walking among Orcs#6, 7, 10, & 11, who are heating metal and pouring them in steel molds that are shaped as swords or huge blades, each Orc hissing or sounding pleased)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (In a menacing, powerful tone) The New Age shall consist of metal, steel, and-other sharp, pointy things.  
  
(As Andraman walks by the Orcs dealing with heated metal, Orc#7 pours some liquid steel into a series of molds shaped like broadswords-but the Orc does it rather roughly, and some of it splatters on Orc#6's face. Orc#6 begins to howl and cover his face in pain, while Orc#7 covers his mouth in embarrassment)  
  
Orc#6: (Shouting) Ouch! Watch where you pour that stuff, damn it! Dear Lord! I'm going to need some more anti-bacterial cream-and that stuff's expensive!  
  
Orc#7: (Sounding quite embarrassed) I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!  
  
Orc#6: (Angrily) Sorry doesn't replace the other half of my face, stupid!  
  
(We hear Andraman speak again and see Orcs rooting up Urak-hai Members)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (In same powerful tone) This-is the age of the Orc, my Lord. This is where they will make their stand for you.  
  
(We see Orc#12 surveying Urak-hai Member#5. Orc#12 grabs the other's face and looks at it carefully)  
  
Orc#12: (In a serious tone) Good jaw line-but you're getting nowhere with that stubble. I suggest disposable razors.  
  
(Urak-hai Member#5 responds with a loud growl that turns into a roar. Orc#12 blinks in surprise for a moment)  
  
Orc#12: (In the same serious tone) Then again-I would probably concentrate more on getting a suitable toothbrush. That's just nasty.  
  
(We get a close-up of Andraman looking thoroughly pleased. We hear him again)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (Sounding proud) This world, Dark Lord, is for your taking.  
  
(We see Andraman on the surface, looking down into the pits from one of the stations and towers above. He is accompanied by Orc#15)  
  
Andraman: (In a firm voice) I want the Urak-hai armed and ready to march in two weeks!  
  
Orc#15: (In a frantic voice) Two weeks? But-my Lord, we cannot possibly accomplish such a feat! We do not have the means to man such a large army of Orc-not to mention the budget is really tight at the moment. Apparently, our stock went way down a few weeks ago and our supervisors spent most of the shares on a new product called, "Chicken Sox!"  
  
Andraman: (Simply, wondering what the big deal is) So, build a dam, man more stations, keep the furnaces burning night and day! If any of the Orcs ask why they're working so late, just tell them it's punishment for buying- I'm sorry did you say "Chicken Sox"?  
  
(When Orc#15 nods, Andraman gives a great sigh of annoyance)  
  
Andraman: Thank God for our 401K!  
  
Orc#15: (In a desperate tone) We do not have enough fuel to burn the fires, my lord! We ran out many weeks ago-we've had to ration our supplies! And don't tell me that we've got to burn our furniture! I just got a nice living room set from Bombay!  
  
Andraman: (Eyeing the Fangorn Forest in the distance with a smirk on his face) The Fangorn lies right on our borders. Burn it!  
  
Orc#15: (In a very timid voice) The Fangorn! My Lord! You cannot be serious!  
  
Andraman: (In a dangerous tone) And why not? We're out of wood! The last time I checked, forests had tons of trees!  
  
Orc#15: (Desperately) But-my Lord, there are killer trees in there!  
  
Andraman: (Rolling his eyes) Oh please! Don't tell me you're one of the sods that actually believes that crap!  
  
Orc#15: (Frantic) It's true, my Lord! Scouts report activity in the forest that is quite unnatural! They say that huge trees will spring up and chase them for miles and miles! We cannot risk it!  
  
Andraman: (Grabbing Orc#15 by the scruff of the neck) Pull yourself together, Orc fool! Do you not understand? So what if there are huge trees in the Fangorn? You're an Orc! Flesh and blood! You've got fire and blade and steel! They've got wood and splinters and leaves! Killer trees? (Laughs and pushes away the Orc) More like an easy target if you ask me! Burn it!  
  
Orc#15: (In a menacing tone as his confidence builds) Yes!  
  
(We then see Andraman in his tower talking to Chief of the Wild Men)  
  
Chief of the Wild Men: (In a powerful voice) We will fight for you!  
  
Andraman: (Leaning forward in his chair) Swear it.  
  
(Chief of the Wild Men takes out his dagger and makes to draw blood from his hand, but stops as he sees Andraman pull out a sheet of paper)  
  
Andraman: (In a casual tone) .by signing this contract after reading it carefully.  
  
Chief of Wild Men: (In an awkward tone) Er-contract?  
  
Andraman: (Raising his eyebrow in confusion) Yes! What did you think I was going to-? (Sees that the chief has the dagger out and his eyes widen) Good Lord, man! What do you think you're doing?  
  
Chief of Wild Men: (Rather annoyed) I was going to swear my oath in blood- like we usually do!  
  
Andraman: (Crinkling his brow) Ugh! How gory! No, my friend, we're taking this oath the professional way. That blood stuff is so unreliable-anybody could easily back out of that one; it's got to go! Instead, we're going to sign this contract! (Waves it before the chief)  
  
Chief of Wild Men: (Looking off to the side awkwardly) Er-I don't know.  
  
Andraman: (Scowling) Oh, what've you got to be hasty about? This contract will basically state that you've got to serve me and only me until the day you die-(Mumbling under his breath) which will happen pretty soon due to certain circumstances.  
  
Chief of Wild Men: (Scowling darkly) What was that?  
  
Andraman: (Obviously annoyed) Look, will you just sign this stupid thing? It was formulated by the Orc Council, and you'd be surprised how political they really are; contradict them and they hit you with a big book of laws, some I hadn't even heard of; and I wrote the stupid thing!  
  
(With a shrug, the Chief of the Wild Men shuffles over to where Andraman sits, takes out a pen, and surveys the contract. After mumbling under his breath for a moment, the Chief of the Wild Men signs the contract-along with his initials when Andraman points it out. Then, the Chief of the Wild Men backs away from Andraman)  
  
Andraman: (When the chief hasn't left) And-what exactly are you waiting for?  
  
Chief of the Wild Men: (After a moment of awkward silence) Er-do you think I could swear in blood now, or would that be rather awkward?  
  
Andraman: (After thinking about it for a minute) Well-I see no harm in it. It won't mean anything, but by all means, go ahead and swear by blood; it's not my skin.  
  
(After nodding in gratitude, the Chief of the Wild Men then cuts himself on the hand with the dagger. Then, he clenches his fist at Andraman in an honorable tone)  
  
Chief of the Wild Men: (In a dramatic voice) We will die-for Andraman!  
  
Andraman: (Nodding) Very nice. Now, be so kind and clean up your blood. (Wrinkling his nose at the blood droplets on the floor) That's rather nasty.  
  
(We see Andraman now talking to the Wild Men, who are circled around the wizard bearing torches and listening intently-they have no idea that they are being utterly deceived or being used as useless toys for the benefit of evil-or they do, but they don't really care)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (Maliciously) We have only to remove those who oppose you.  
  
Andraman: (Speaking to the Wild Men in a loud, convincing tone) The people of Rohan drove you from your homes, casting you away to make a living off of rock-and many jars of creamed corn!  
  
Wild Man#1: (Shouting angrily, the others joining in) Murderers!  
  
Wild Man#2: (In an even louder voice) Monsters! (We see Wild Man#3 eating from a huge bowl of creamed corn. Realizing what all the fuss is about he looks up quickly)  
  
Wild Man#3: (Mouth full of corn as shouts) Uh.YEAH! (Swallows his creamed corn and carefully puts the bowl behind his back) MONSTERS!  
  
(We go back to Andraman, who is shouting at the Wild Men again)  
  
Andraman: (In a powerful tone) Give them what they deserve-lay out the same fate for them! BURN EVERY VILLAGE!  
  
(All the Wild Men cheer ferociously in agreement, their minds riddled with anger for the people of Rohan. Then, we see Wild Man#4 raise his hand timidly. Everybody goes slightly quiet to hear him out)  
  
Wild Man#4: (In a practical tone) But-if we kill them, and they meant to kill us, doesn't that make us murderers as well?  
  
(Everything goes deadly silent as they consider this. Andraman thinks for about five seconds before speaking to Wild Man#4)  
  
Andraman: (Rather coolly) The people of Rohan killed your goldfish.  
  
Wild Man#4: (Eyes widen in shock and speaks in a breathless tone) Flipper? They-They killed my dear Flipper?  
  
(Andraman slowly nods in agreement. Wild Man#4 exchanges his look of shock into a look of pure anger)  
  
Wild Man#4: (Shouting) Okay-those monsters are gonna fry!  
  
(The Wild Men shout out angrily, and we get a close up of Andraman's face, slowly curving into a malicious smile. Then, we see a small town of the Westfold, with some of its citizens running about as they realize they are being ambushed by the Wild Men. We hear Andraman speak)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (Maliciously) It will begin with the Rohan. Too long have these peasants and paupers stood in your way-(In a practical tone) besides, that land would be a really good spot to put many of our salons, after all.  
  
(We suddenly see the Westfold Mother rapidly putting objects upon a large horse, occasionally looking into the distance over her shoulder. Then, she looks towards the house)  
  
Westfold Mother: (Frantically) Matothain! Matothain!  
  
(We see young Matothain running towards his mother, with a pack over his shoulder and a frightened look upon his face as he arranges his glasses. Deeda flanks behind him, looking even more frightened. Finally, Westfold Mother begins speaking as the children approach her, picking up Matothain and putting him on the horse)  
  
Westfold Mother: (Rapidly, with much worry in her tone) You will take your sister and ride to Edoras!  
  
Matothain: (In a rather whiny voice) Ah, mom, why do I have to take Deeda along? She wets herself, a lot!  
  
Deeda: (Smugly) I do not!  
  
Westfold Mother: (In a serious tone) I don't care! Ride this horse to Edoras and don't stop! (Quickly scoops up Deeda to put her on the horse)  
  
Deeda: (In a desperate tone) But papa says that Matothain is not to ride this horse! It's too big for him!  
  
(Westfold Mother puts Deeda in front of her brother. We hear a horrible scream of pain in the back round-a man's scream. Westfold Mother glances back worriedly)  
  
Westfold Mother: (In a matter-of-fact tone) Uh-I don't think father's going to care, this time. (Hands the reins of the horse to Matothain) Matothain, ride to Edoras and sound the alarm! Promise me!  
  
Matothain: (Seriously as he grasps the reins) Yes, mama!  
  
(Deeda starts to cry and bends to grasp her mother)  
  
Deeda: (Through her tears) I don't want to go-I don't want to leave you! Please don't make me go, mama!  
  
Matothain: (Rather brightly) Well, if you don't want to go, then I'll be more than happy to-  
  
(Matothain stops talking as Westfold Mother scolds at him. Westfold Mother takes Deeda's face in her hands)  
  
Westfold Mother: (Seriously) Deeda, I will find you there! I promise!  
  
(Deeda lets go of her mother, though still quite upset. A woman's scream is heard, and Westfold Mother looks behind her and her face falls into a look of fear. In the distance, coming rapidly from the hills, we see the Wild Men coming towards the town with torches. Knowing that time grows short, the Westfold Mother looks towards her children on the horse) Westfold Mother: (Desperately) Go! GO!  
  
(Not looking behind him, Matothain clips his heels into the horse's side, which darts away quickly. We watch them flee the town for a while, then see the Westfold Mother watching her children go with a forlorn look upon her face)  
  
Westfold Mother: (Quietly) Go child-ride fast.  
  
(Suddenly, we see the Wild Men approach the town, attacking people and burning houses. We see Wild Man#4 smashing people's goldfish bowls with an angry shout. Then, we see Matothain and Deeda on their horse, safely away from the town on a hill, watching the town burn. Deeda is sobbing quietly, and Matothain's face is etched in shock. We hear Andraman speak)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (Prideful) Middle-earth is ours. (Far-off voice as he addresses people in the studio) So-do we still have coffee? No? Well, damn it! 


	5. Scene Five: Trouble At Edoras

Scene Five  
  
(Now we go to the Fords of Isen, where a grisly sight is laid before us. Upon the ground are the many dead bodies of both Men and Orc; the stray banners bear the mark of Edoras. Then, we hear the sound of horses approaching and see Méomer and his riders approach the scene. Méomer looks upon the sight with horror and dismay written upon his face. He is later accompanied by Rider of Rohan#8, who stares at the scene with wide eyes)  
  
Rider of Rohan#8: (In a reassuring tone) See, Méomer! It's nothing to worry about! There's no monster or Orc around-just the grisly scene of a vicious battle!  
  
Méomer: (Whispering in dismay) Jaredred! (Shouting to the Riders) Find the king's son!  
  
(Immediately, the Rides begin to frantically search the scene for any sign of the king's son, pushing aside bodies of Orc and Men)  
  
Rider of Rohan#15: (In a rather blunt voice) You'd think they would die in their own separate piles! This would be so much easier if they did just that!  
  
Rider of Rohan#8: (In an angry tone) Mordor will pay for this!  
  
Rider of Rohan#15: (In an incredulous voice) And how do you plan to go about that, eh? Just waltz right up to Mordor, knock on the gate, yell at that huge Eye that is Jauron that-even though this is a war where people are likely to kill one another without warning-he needs to lay off of the Rohan a bit? Please!  
  
Méomer: (In a bitter tone) Besides-these Orcs are not from Mordor!  
  
(With his boot, Méomer turns over an Orc-with the White Hand of Andraman plastered upon his helmet. Then, we see and hear Rider of Rohan#16 shout from the river's edge)  
  
Rider of Rohan#16: (Desperately) Méomer!  
  
(Méomer dashes over towards the Rider's side, where he is bent over the motionless figure of Jaredred. With a sigh of dismay, Méomer turns over the young prince to assure himself of the truth. Then, the Rider's eyes widen as they see that Jaredred is breathing very faintly)  
  
Méomer: (In a disbelieving whisper) He's alive!  
  
Rider of Rohan#16: (After the silence has settled over the group) Now-let us bow our heads and pray.  
  
(All the Riders of Rohan eye Rider of Rohan#16 in a disbelieving way-they did not expect him to say such a thing. Rider of Rohan#16 looks like he is wondering what he said wrong)  
  
Rider of Rohan#16: (Incredulously) What? This is a pretty big miracle, don't you think? A moment of thanks would be proper, eh? (When the Riders do not stop staring at him, he crosses his arms stubbornly) Fine! Excuse me for being faithful!  
  
(We now see the group of Riders from Edoras riding towards the city. One of them is carrying someone-it is Jaredred. He looks horribly wounded, barely able to sit upon the horse and his head lolling from side to side. The riders enter the village, many of the citizens glancing at the scenes and talking amongst themselves. Then, we see Erynwyn running up the stairs to the Golden Hall, disregarding the guards next the door. Then, we see her enter the Healing Center, where she sees Jaredred being treated for his wounds, with Méomer by his side. With a gasp, Erynwyn runs over to them)  
  
Erynwyn: (Kneeling next to the bed and speaking softly to Jaredred) Jaredred? Jaredred? Can you hear me?  
  
(Jaredred turns towards Erynwyn, who is watching him with bright eyes. His eyes flicker slightly open)  
  
Jaredred: (In a very monotone voice) Oucccchhhh.  
  
(And with that, Jaredred closes his eyes again. Looking slightly bemused, Erynwyn looks at Méomer, who nods towards the piece of cloth upon the prince's stomach. Curious, Erynwyn lifts up the cloth and takes a look. We see her eyes widen, and she addresses Méomer in a whisper)  
  
Erynwyn: (Curiously) Uh-you're not supposed to be able to see his intestines, are you?  
  
Méomer: (After blinking at his sister, he answers in a whisper) Uh-no.  
  
(We get a close-up of Erynwyn's face fall into deep despair. Then, we proceed to the throne room, where King Kevoden sits in his throne. Erynwyn is kneeling beside him, and Méomer is standing facing him. Erynwyn steps away next to her brother as she speaks)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a very somber tone) Your son is badly wounded, my lord.  
  
(We see the king sitting in his throne-and he looks horrible. He's horribly old and haggard looking-it is hard to discern exactly how old he is or even how he feels. He looks from Erynwyn to Méomer for a while, unsure of how he's supposed to feel and showing no expression upon his face. Finally, we see Méomer speak, looking quite angry with the situation at hand)  
  
Méomer: (Frustrated) Orcs, my lord, ambushed him! Orcs!  
  
(King Kevoden doesn't say anything-in a way, he looks rather confused)  
  
Méomer: (In a simple tone) That's bad, sire.  
  
(King Kevoden nods slowly, still looking like he doesn't fully understand. But that doesn't discourage Méomer from speaking)  
  
Méomer: (Angrily) We cannot let the Orcs get away with this, sire! If we do not heighten security, the older and most gorgeous wizard shall take the city easily!  
  
(We suddenly hear a slick voice speak from out of the throne room-it is Nrima Wormfeces)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Quite slick and slithery) That is a lie!  
  
(Erynwyn and Méomer look towards an entryway and we see Nrima Wormfeces enter the throne room. He walks with a small shuffle, his black hair slicked back and his hands joined together-his fingers twiddling evilly-and he wears matching black robes. Méomer glares at the figure)  
  
Méomer: (Loathing etched into his voice) Wormfeces! I should have known you'd come in here!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a practical and drawling tone) Andraman is our friend and ally, Méomer. He would never betray us-never has, in that matter! What would make you believe he would do so now?  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces moves next to the throne of the king, who looks up at him with a reassuring smile. We hear King Kevoden speak quietly to Nrima Wormfeces)  
  
King Kevoden: (Quite quietly) Nrima.Nrima.Nrima.  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Smiling at the king) Yes, master, that is my name. (Looks to Erynwyn and Méomer) Nice that he recognizes people, you know.  
  
Méomer: (Keeping his anger in check as he speaks) There are Orcs running about the Rohan unchecked-killing at will! (Lifts up a helmet near his feet and speaking rather flatly) Orcs bearing the White Hand of Andraman!  
  
(Méomer drops the helmet on the ground with a hard crash, and we see the helmet with a blazing white hand on it. Then, we catch the shifty-eyed Nrima Wormfeces, turning away from everyone and mumbling quietly to himself)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Scolding and agitated) I keep telling him, "Black! Black! Change it to black or red!" But he doesn't listen!  
  
(We see Méomer looking rather suspicious as he surveys Nrima Wormfeces)  
  
Méomer: (Questioning) What was that?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Spinning back to face the other as he coldly speaks) Why do you place these troubles upon your uncle, whose mind is already troubled!  
  
(Méomer looks rather shocked as he hears this, his face going into a pure look of dislike. He knows that he is not to trust the other immediately. Besides, he doesn't like being accused of bringing trouble to others when it is not necessary. We see Nrima Wormfeces smile darkly as he realizes he has touched a nerve)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Coolly) Your uncle does not wish to be part of your war mongering.  
  
Méomer: (Rather shocked) Mongering? (Looking rather confused, he looks to Erynwyn) Uh-help me out sis.  
  
Erynwyn: (In a low tone) Wormfeces is saying that you're presenting a troubling issue to our uncle, and he doesn't want to hear about it.  
  
Méomer: (Angrily) War mongering? That-That-(Sighs as he can't think of what to say and waves for his sister to help him)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a low tone) Jerk?  
  
Méomer: (Brightly) Jerk! Of course! That jerk!  
  
(We suddenly see Méomer push Nrima Wormfeces against the wall, his face very close to his as he speaks. It is many hours after the meeting with the king-torches are lit to penetrate the evening darkness. They are in the throne room)  
  
Méomer: (Quietly and angrily) What did he promise you? What did the older and most gorgeous wizard offer you for your treachery? When all men were dead you would take your share of the treasure? (When the other fails to answer right away) Answer me!  
  
(We see Nrima Wormfeces glance over the shoulder of Méomer, who looks behind him in confusion. Then, we see Erynwyn walking by, glancing at the two men suspiciously and walking away briskly. Méomer gets a very dark look upon his face as he grasps the neck of Nrima Wormfeces' robes)  
  
Méomer: (Practically growling) No way! No way! If you think you can just take away my sister like the snake you are-! Nrima Wormfeces: (A shocked expression coming to his face) What? No! I don't want to date your sister-that's sick!  
  
Méomer: (Looking rather confused) Well-if it wasn't treasure and it's not the affection of my sister, then what could Andraman, the older and most gorgeous one promise you?  
  
(We see Nrima Wormfeces look over the shoulder of Méomer again, this time with a deep expression of want upon his face. Méomer looks behind him and we see Chef of Golden Hall walk by with a humongous tray of ham-more ham than you could possibly imagine, actually. Nrima Wormfeces looks very content with this)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Nodding and speaking to himself) Oh yeah-that's nice.  
  
(Looking a bit confused, but still angry at treason, Méomer tightens his grip on the other's robes)  
  
Méomer: (Very threatening at the moment) All right, you listen to me you- you-(Thinks about it for a while) ham loving-freak-(Resumes threatening tone and looking very angry) I'm watching you!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Smiling darkly as he speaks coolly) Yes, but I'm also watching you, Méomer.  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces snaps his fingers before Méomer can even comprehend this, and the next we know, Edoras Guards#1&2 are grasping Méomer and pulling him away from the other. Méomer doesn't struggle, but he doesn't fully understand what's going on)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Coolly towards Méomer) You have seen much, Méomer-too much, in fact.  
  
(Méomer struggles, aware of what's going on, but stops as Edoras Guard#2 punches him swiftly in the stomach)  
  
Méomer: (Coughing from the blow, talking to Edoras Guard#2) Dude-I went-to high school-with you! What-happened?  
  
Edoras Guard#1: (Gruffly) Your orders, Master Wormfeces?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Slickly) Méomer is hereby banished from Edoras under the pain of death-kindly escort him from this city.  
  
Méomer: (Angrily, struggling violently) You have no authority here! Your orders mean nothing!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In his slick voice) Oh, but this order does not come from me-it comes from the king! (Nrima Wormfeces pulls out a scroll-a scroll announcing the banishment of Méomer, with the king's extremely scribbled signature and seal)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a bored tone) He signed it this morning.  
  
Méomer: (Not willing to submit so easily) No way! That signature is nothing but scribbles-anyone could have forged it!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Glancing at the signature and looking about, shifty-eyed) Er-perhaps. But what's most important is the seal! Ha! Explain that, Méomer!  
  
Méomer: (Logically) You could have just as easily stolen the seal from my uncle-you are tricky enough.  
  
(There is a deadly silence throughout the room, and the guards look at Nrima Wormfeces as if unsure of what to do. Finally, Nrima Wormfeces speaks)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In an irritable voice) Just banish him from this kingdom you ninnies! And kill him if he comes back!  
  
(Méomer starts struggling violently, but the grip of the guards is too strong as they lead him out. Nrima Wormfeces watches him go with a smile upon his face. Then, he thinks of something)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Acting as if it is more of an afterthought) Uh-and on your way back, could you guys pick me up a ham sandwich-that sounds really good right now. 


	6. Scene Six: At the Urak hai Camp

Scene Six  
  
(We now see members of the Urak-hai stopping on the edge of the Fangorn Forest. It is evening, and the members are exhausted, breathing in and out and occasionally growling at one another. Finally, we see Urak-hai Member#6 resting upon a stump)  
  
Urak-hai Member#6: (Angrily) We go no further-till we've had a breather! Dear Lord! I've got a stitch in my side that's almost causing me to sing my own high-pitched solo! (Grabs side angrily)  
  
(We see Urak-hai Member#2 heavily drop Rippin Took on the ground, who winces in pain slightly. Urak-hai Member#2 evilly smiles down at the hobbit)  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Evilly) Awe.is the poor hobbit tired?  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily, feeling it unnecessary to disagree) Yeah-I'm exhausted!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (In the same evil tone) And what about your poor, little wrists? Are they bound too tightly?  
  
Rippin Took: (Sarcastically, as she brandishes her bleeding wrists before the Orc) Yeah! They're practically cutting into my wrists!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Suddenly dropping the evil attitude and resuming a flamboyant tone and sympathetic attitude) Oh really? Well you should have said something!  
  
Rippin Took: (Awkwardly) Well-I didn't think you would really care-  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Shocked) How could you even say such a thing? Of course I care! Gees, just because I've been assigned to carry you, it doesn't mean I don't want you to be comfortable! Here-let me loosen those binds for you! You're so silly! (Bends down and begins to loosen the hobbit's binds, then reties them slightly) How's that?  
  
Rippin Took: (In a simple tone with a shrug) It's nice-but a little too loose, if you ask me.  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Nodding) Yeah-I thought that. (Reties the binds briskly) How about that?  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking at wrists and nodding in satisfaction) Not bad! Not bad at all! It's comfortable, but it also keeps me in my place. You're a real pro in this!  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Modestly) Oh, stop it!  
  
Rippin Took: (Seriously) No, really! You're really good at tying these things! Have you ever considered making bracelets?  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Happy the subject was raised) Well, now that you mention it, I started making these friendship bracelets while the troop was in Isengard! I suggested to Andraman that we should wear them as part of the uniform, because black and metal can be really dull, if you know what I'm saying. I talked with him for a while, but he said that-  
  
(We suddenly see Urak-hai Member#1 shouting at Urak-hai Member#2)  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Angrily) Hey! Stop talking to that halfling! They're not to be talked to! If you need something to do, help get a fire going! (Shuffles off, mumbling angrily)  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (Quietly to Rippin Took) Gees, what a hard ass!  
  
(Without further word, Urak-hai Member#2 leaves Rippin Took alone, lying on the ground with her hands still bound. Despite the comfortable binds, the hobbit looks rather disheveled and exhausted. We see Urak-hai Members cutting down large limbs in attempts to start a fire. We see Rippin Took look over to Urak-hai Member#3, who is a fair distance away and practically throwing an unconscious Jessie Brandybuck upon the ground. Once it does so, Urak-hai Member#3 moves over to join the others. We see Rippin Took looking rather concerned)  
  
Rippin Took: (Quietly) Jessie!  
  
(We see Urak-hai Members cut down more branches. Then, we see Rippin Took looking towards the Orcs, to be sure they're preoccupied, and quickly begins to crawl over to where Jessie Brandybuck is lying practically motionless. With another quick glance over to the other Orcs, Rippin Took whispers to Jessie Brandybuck)  
  
Rippin Took: (Frantically) Jessie! Jessie!  
  
(With a small groan, Jessie Brandybuck awakens. We see her weary face, her glasses slightly askew and a huge gash upon her forehead. She looks relieved to see Rippin Took there)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Whispering quietly) Rippin! Thank God! (Shakes head to straighten her senses) I thought I wasn't going to see you again.  
  
Rippin Took: (Noticing the gash on her friend's head and looking concerned) Your forehead's got a huge gash on it!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looking up at it and shrugging) Must've gotten it when the Orcs lobbed me on the head. Besides-(Gives a grim smile) I think the last thing I need to worry about is a gash on my head. (Laughs slightly, then suddenly looks worried) You don't think it'll scar, do you?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a shrug) I don't suppose so.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Sighing) Well, it doesn't really matter. (Closing eyes in exhaustion as she speaks) Where are we?  
  
Rippin Took: (Making sure nobody's listening) I'm not too sure-last time I heard, we're supposed to be on the border of the Fangorn Forest.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Sarcastically) Whoopee! We're in just another place even further from home! (Sighing angrily) Boy-I wish I wasn't here! Whatever hopes we had of coming with the fellowship, I don't think this was one of them! (Sighs again, more in dismay) You wouldn't happen to know exactly how long it has been since we've been captured, would you?  
  
Rippin Took: (After thinking for a while) Three days-maybe three and a half.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Sarcastically) Yea! (Blowing her bangs out of her eyes in frustration) Any idea of where we're going?  
  
Rippin Took: (After gulping) I don't really know-(Quietly, probably hoping Jessie Brandybuck won't hear) Isengard.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Her eyes widening and exclaiming in horror) WHAT?  
  
(Rippin Took shushes the other as many of the Orcs look over their shoulders towards the hobbits. Once they realize it's probably nothing, they go back to their work. Rippin Took begins to talk to a horrified Jessie Brandybuck)  
  
Rippin Took: (Quietly) I heard that from one of the members a few days ago- and one of them just told me that they were a lot from Andraman. If the Orcs are taking us anywhere, it's most likely there.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Horrified) This is horrible, Rippin! Just awful!  
  
Rippin Took: (Confused) Really, Jessie! It's probably not as bad as you think! At least we're not dead!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In an exasperated tone) Well, we're going to be dead if we go into Isengard!  
  
Rippin Took: (Still confused) What do you mean?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Explaining in a horrified tone) Rippin, remember who lives in Isengard?  
  
Rippin Took: (After pondering for a few seconds) Uh-Jeff Daniels?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Ignoring this) Andraman! Remember? He's the guy who turned traitor, the older and most gorgeous one!  
  
Rippin Took: (Nodding in understanding) Yeah? So?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Rather impatiently) Rippin, he's working for Jauron! That means he's after the Movie of Power as well! All he knows is that one of the hobbits carries the Movie of Power! He thinks we have the Movie!  
  
Rippin Took: (Furrowing her brow) But-we don't have the Movie.  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck gives her a stare that's supposed to say, "Well, duh!" and then Rippin Took's eyes widen in fear as she realizes it)  
  
Rippin Took: (In an understanding tone) Ohhhhhh! That's-not good.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In an exasperated tone) Of course not, Rippin! Don't you see? When Andraman finds out that we don't have the Movie, he's gonna- he's gonna (Gulps at the thought) kill us!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a logical tone) Well, actually, he probably won't kill us right away. First he'll torture us-then torture us some more-then make us fight one another-then make us fight one of the Orcs-then make us run around Isengard-and then he'll kill us; that is, if we haven't already died of exhaustion.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Groaning at the possibility) Oh-this is hopeless, Rippin! Hopeless!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a reassuring tone) Not necessarily, Jessie! (Making sure nobody is still listening, and then speaking in a whisper) A few hours ago, one of the Orcs caught the smell of Jimagorn-that means he's on our trail! And I'll bet you that Megolas and Brimli are behind him as well!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Very forlorn at the moment) Oh, Rippin, it's a nice thing to say, but Jimagorn's not going to come after us. And even if he is, he'll never be able to catch up to us! We're near the Fangorn Forest- that's not too far from Isengard, already!  
  
Rippin Took: (Disliking her friends pessimism) Jessie, don't talk like that! Jimagorn may be a weird fellow-and a fancier of touching himself-but he's not going to give up on us! And with Megolas and Brimli with him, he'll probably be able to catch up! They're not giving up on us, Jessie! They're going to keep going until we're found! (We suddenly see Jimagorn, Brimli, & Megolas around a small fire and a turkey fryer. They're eating fried turkey and some beans upon their plates. They seem carefree and very unconcerned with anything at the moment)  
  
Megolas: (Through a mouthful of turkey to Brimli) Great call on the fried turkey, Brimli! This is excellent!  
  
Brimli: (With a casual wave of disregard) Ah, it was nothing! I knew I'd need the fryer-that's why I packed it in Rivendell. But if it hadn't been for Jimagorn here, we never would have had a turkey! Good catch, Jimagorn! (Takes a huge bite from a drumstick)  
  
Megolas: (Nodding at Jimagorn) Yeah-great bird, Jimagorn! I've never eaten one so tender!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a smile as he jabs at the fire with a stick) Ah, no biggy!  
  
Megolas: (In a pleased tone) No, seriously, Jimagorn! Most wild turkeys are stringy and gross-but this one was ripe for the picking!  
  
(Jimagorn smiles and resumes eating his dinner, occasionally stroking himself fondly on his chest. Then, Brimli stops looking up as she thinks of something)  
  
Brimli: (In a questioning tone) Uh-guys? (When they look over) Does it seem like we should be doing something else at the moment-you know, that's important?  
  
Megolas: (Raising an eyebrow) Like what?  
  
Brimli: (After thinking about it, shrugging away as if it's no big deal) Ah- it's probably nothing. (To Jimagorn) Pass the beans, would you, Grabby?  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small scowl as he passes the beans to Brimli) I wish you wouldn't call me that! It's so inaccurate! (Begins to stroke himself on the chest again)  
  
(We go back to Jessie Brandybuck and Rippin Took, who are looking at each other as if expecting one to make the other feel better about the situation at hand. As much as they would like to believe that it couldn't get any worse, they would have to strongly disagree. Suddenly, a strange, soft howling and cracking noise is heard throughout the camp sight, causing the Urak-hai Members to look about for a few seconds, but go back to collecting wood. Rippin Took looks about worriedly)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a frightened whisper) What the hell was that?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (After listening to it for a while, smiles softly) It's the trees!  
  
Rippin Took: (Looks at Jessie Brandybuck with wide eyes) Uh-Jessie, I must be losing my mind, because I thought I just heard you say that it was the trees.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a small scowl) That's because I did say it.  
  
Rippin Took: (Blinking at her friend incredulously) Uh-then, I think that you might be losing your mind! That gash must've caused some severe blood loss or something because-  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Agitated) Damn it, Rippin, it is the trees! The trees talk to one another!  
  
Rippin Took: (In disbelief) What?  
  
(As Jessie Brandybuck speaks, we get a good look at the bordering forest, hearing the soft howls and grindings of the trees' speech)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Whispering) Remember the old stories they used to tell us in the Shire, about how some forests had unnatural things in them? Well, they say that there was something in the water in the Fangorn Forests that caused the trees to speak to each other-you know-(We see her smile mysteriously at Rippin Took) come alive!  
  
Rippin Took: (Shocked) Alive? Wow! (Looks at the forest) I guess I should've paid more attention to that song in Pocahontas, huh?  
  
(We now see Urak-hai Member#6 sitting upon a rock, looking very ill- tempered at the moment)  
  
Urak-hai Member#6: (Angrily) I'm starving! (Picks up the bread he holds in his hand) We have had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days! (Throws his bread on the ground angrily) I want meat!  
  
(We see Urak-hai Member#2 with a plastic container and a lunch bag in his lap as he sits on the ground as he speaks)  
  
Urak-hai Member#2: (In his flamboyant voice, sounding very scornful) Well, that's what you get when you're not a vegetarian! (Opens up his plastic container and looking overjoyed) Ooh! A Caesar salad! (Looks in the lunch bag and exclaims) And ooh! Sprouts! (Mouths to the others) My favorite!  
  
Urak-hai Member#6: (Angrily as he stands up) Keep your salad and your sprouts, you freakin' lettuce head! (Shouting out) I want meat!  
  
Urak-hai Member#7: (In an agreeing voice) Yeah! Why can't we have some meat?  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Angrily) Well, how're you going to get it, you dumb ass? You don't have anything to go hunting with! There are no animals in that forest-and if they are, a deer will be far out of reach before you can pounce on it! You make so much noise when you walk, I'd swear I was listening to a train bumbling on the tracks!  
  
Urak-hai Member#7: (Coolly) I'll shed some of my armor, then! That ought to be quiet enough!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Growling) And what're you going to kill the animal with, huh? Are you going to just walk right up to it and plunge a sword in its back? Or are you content with lobbing it over the head with a large stick?  
  
Urak-hai Member#7: (After thinking about it) I'll wait in the bushes and throw my dagger in its head before it can blink!  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Piping up eagerly, enjoying the prospect of having meat) I've got darts!  
  
Urak-hai Member#9: (Also deciding to help out) I've still got some of my arrows left over from three days ago!  
  
Urak-hai Member#10: (We see him sitting on a rock, and he pulls out a huge rifle as he speaks) And I've got a gun!  
  
(Many of the Orcs cheer at this, each favoring the idea of having fresh meat. But Urak-hai Member#1 silences them all as he shouts out)  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Angrily) SHUT UP! (Once everyone does so) You fools keep forgetting! We don't have hunting licenses! Gees!  
  
(A great howl of dismay goes throughout the camp)  
  
Urak-hai Member#11: (In a disappointed tone) But-I thought Andraman gave us some!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Agitated) Those were killing licenses, you idiots! We're allowed to kill people and things-but we're not allowed to hunt animals!  
  
(Everybody's eyes suddenly fix upon Urak-hai Member#10, who looks rather shocked, but still clasping the gun in his lap. Then, he looks down and thinks of something to say)  
  
Urak-hai Member#10: (In a nervous laugh and tone) Oh! How did this get here? Dear me! Oopsie! (Carefully slips it behind his back and says nothing more)  
  
(Urak-hai Member#7 looks over at where Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took are laying with a cunning smile upon his face. The hobbits realize they're being stared at and look over at the Orc with confused glances)  
  
Urak-hai Member#7: (In a growling voice) What about them? (Points to the hobbits) They're flesh!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took suddenly look horrified. Rippin Took bites her lip to keep the scream of fear building up inside her. Desperately, Jessie Brandybuck speaks)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Practical in her desperate tone) Uh, no, no! No! You don't want to eat us! We're not flesh! We're comprised mostly of-of fat! And a gristle-type substance I call phlan!  
  
Urak-hai Member#7: (Licking his lips) I'm sure it's not anything I can't handle!  
  
(Both Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took look at each other in fear, but before Urak-hai Member#7 can even take a step towards them, Urak-hai Member#1 grabs the other's shoulder firmly and growls at him)  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Viciously) They are not for eating!  
  
(Urak-hai Member#7 growls at the other, as if egging him into a brawl, but the other doesn't want to waste the time. So, Urak-hai Member#1 goes over to the hobbits, and picks them up roughly. Both hobbits wince and sputter in pain, but they don't do anything to struggle. We see Urak-hai Member#8 look at the hobbits hungrily)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (In a vicious, logical tone) What about their legs? They don't need those!  
  
(Both hobbits gasp in shock, and Jessie Brandybuck takes the moment to put her knees together in fear. Urak-hai Member#8 smiles hungrily at the hobbits' legs)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Viciously) Mmm.they look tasty!  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily) Taste this!  
  
(With that, Rippin Took kicks Urak-hai Member#8 in the crotch. Urak-hai Member#8 howls out in pain and sinks to his knees, grasping his crotch in pain. Many of the Urak-hai Members shout out in anger)  
  
Urak-hai Member#9: (Quite angry) She kicked him in the jewels, she did!  
  
Urak-hai Member#10: (Also angry) That was rather unnecessary!  
  
Urak-hai Member#11: (Angrily) We demand justice! I say we kill 'em-and eat 'em!  
  
(The other members shout out in agreement)  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Tightening his grip on the hobbits) NO! Shut your traps, the lot of you! They are not to be eaten! They are to be delivered to Andraman alive and unspoiled! (In a simple voice as he says it) I already covered that with him, you know.  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (In a vicious voice) Alive? (Looks at the hobbits) Why alive? Do they make good sport? (Hisses in laughter)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Biting her lip in fear) Please let them be talking about volleyball!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a horrified tone) No! I was never good at serving!  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Angrily explaining to Urak-hai Member#8) They carry some kind of Elvish weapon-something that will aid in the wars.  
  
(Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck look at one another in curiosity, and we see Urak-hai Member#7 silently creep towards them from behind)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a whisper, as if to make a point) They think we have the Movie!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Shushing her friend and quickly whispering) As soon as they find out we don't, we're dead!  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily whispering) But-if we're dead when we get to Isengard, and dead if the Orcs find out about us-then what's the whole point of keeping us alive? This really sucks, Jessie!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Scowling at her friend) How long did it take you to figure that out, Rippin?  
  
(We see Urak-hai Member#7 pop up from behind the hobbits, who turn around and give a gasp as they realize who it is)  
  
Urak-hai Member#7: (Stepping forward, his eyes fixed on the two hobbits hungrily) Oh, come on! Just a mouthful!  
  
(Without warning, Urak-hai Member#7 lashes out for the hobbits. Both hobbits gasp, but Urak-hai Member#1 pushes them behind him and he takes out a huge sword. With a quick swipe, he lobs off the head of Urak-hai Member#7, and it flies over to where Rippin Took is sitting and lands in her lap. Her eyes grow wide and she lets out a horrified shriek. Jessie Brandybuck looks like she's going to be sick. We then see Urak-hai Member#1 speaking to the other Orcs)  
  
Urak-hai Member#1: (Pointing to the decapitated body of Urak-hai Member#7) Meat's back on the menu, boys! Dig in!  
  
(Without hesitation, the Orcs lunge for the body. We hear the sickening sound of snatching and pulling and even some squishing. We then move over to where Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are sitting)  
  
Rippin Took: (Horrified as she pushes the head of Urak-hai Member#7 off her lap) Oh-my-GOD! Get it off me! Get it off me! EWWEEE!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a quick glance back at the Orcs, to make sure they're preoccupied, she looks at Rippin Took and whispers urgently) Rippin! (Nods towards the forest) Let's go!  
  
(With that, both hobbits quickly begin to crawl away from the others, who are so immersed in eating the dead Orc that they don't seem to notice-or at least, we don't think so. We see Rippin Took cry out sharply as an Orc's boot steps on her back, stopping her in her tracks. Jessie Brandybuck immediately stops to see what's going on, and we see Rippin Took turn over and look horrified as she gazes into the face of Urak-hai Member#8. We see Urak-hai Member#8 looking at Rippin Took with an evil grin upon his face)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (In a vicious hiss) Go on-call for help! (Grabs Rippin Took by the face and lifts her head up slightly) Squeal for me! Squeal! (In a hillbilly tone) Squeal like a piggy! Squeal!  
  
(Rippin Took looks horrified, and lets out a quiet whimper. Jessie Brandybuck is too horrified to move, staring at the scene and thinking of what to do. Urak-hai Member#8 laughs evilly)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Starting to unsheathe a great dagger at his side) Nobody's going to save you now!  
  
(Urak-hai Member#8 cries out sharply as an arrow hits him in the back, and he quickly lets go of Rippin Took)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Weakly, as he falls back) Guess-I had that one-coming.  
  
(We now see the Riders of Rohan about the camp sight, killing as many Orcs as they can. Jessie Brandybuck looks at Rippin Took, who looks quite terrified)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Quickly) Rippin! Into the woods! Now!  
  
Rippin Took: (In an anxious tone) Are you sure about this, Jessie?  
  
(At that moment, an Orc's hand flies in between the two hobbits. For a while, they just stare at it)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a practical tone) Uh-yeah, I'm pretty sure. Let's go!  
  
(Both hobbits begin to crawl away from the scene, but it is a slow process. We see Rippin Took stop frequently to rest. Then, she looks to her side and sees that Jessie Brandybuck is far-off to the side-they had gotten separated without even realizing it)  
  
Rippin Took: (Frightened) Jessie! Jessie!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck looks over just as a Rider's horse blocks her from view. Rippin Took exclaims in shock, and tries to turn around, but ends up turning on her back. We see her looking up and scream as she sees a horse rearing on its back legs almost right above her. Luckily, the horse places its hooves a few inches away from her, so Rippin Took sighs in relief. Then, we see the horse turn around so that its hindquarters are facing the hobbit. Rippin Took suddenly realizes what its doing and her eyes go wide)  
  
Rippin Took: (Hysterically) Holy sh-!  
  
(We get a last view of the horse lifting its tail before we go to the next scene) 


	7. Scene Seven: Riders of Rohan

Scene Seven  
  
(Now, we see Megolas stop in her tracks as she looks to the east-it is approaching dawn at this moment and the three members of the company are resuming their search for the hobbits)  
  
Megolas: (Dramatically) A red sun rises. (She looks back towards Brimli & Jimagorn) Blood has been shed.  
  
Brimli: (Muttering to Jimagorn) Or that could just be the color of the sun, dimwit!  
  
(Jimagorn stifles a laugh, and Megolas appears to not have heard)  
  
Megolas: (Seriously) We have to continue! Let's go!  
  
(The three begin running, Jimagorn in the lead again as they run along the plains of Rohan. We see them run from one big pile of rocks and stop in center of a pass. Jimagorn stoops down to study the tracks, while Megolas & Brimli stop to rest. We see Megolas look to behind the pass, and she suddenly runs up to Jimagorn. She indicates the area behind the pass, and Jimagorn leads them behind a large boulder off to the side, Megolas pulling Brimli behind. They take their cover, and a few minutes later, we hear the sound of approaching horses-a large group of them, at that. Then, we see the Riders of Rohan approach from the pass and filter into the field beyond. Luckily, they pay no heed to the people behind the boulder. We now see Megolas speak to Jimagorn)  
  
Megolas: (In a whisper) Who are they, friend or foe?  
  
Jimagorn: (Rolling his eyes) Why am I the one that gets asked these questions? Why do all the questions about the race of Man go to me?  
  
Megolas: (Coolly) Because you're a long lost heir to the throne of Gondor and you're a Man, you dope!  
  
Jimagorn: (Clutching his chest) Oh yes! (Squints at the Riders' insignia plastered upon their flags and banners) Relax-they're from Edoras! They're friend!  
  
(With no further argument, Jimagorn jumps from his concealment behind the boulder, the other two following him. Jimagorn yells for the Riders)  
  
Jimagorn: (Friendly as he shouts) Riders of Rohan! What news of the Mark?  
  
(The Riders of Rohan abruptly turn their horses around delicately to approach the three people)  
  
Brimli: (In an amazed tone) That's pretty artistic.  
  
(The Riders of Rohan then circles the small company, pointing their spears at whom they believe as enemies or trespassers. Jimagorn's eyes grow rather large as this unexpected predicament, and he grasps his chest in support. Megolas looks severely bad-tempered at this)  
  
Megolas: (Mumbling to Jimagorn) "Friends from Edoras", eh?  
  
Jimagorn: (Scolding at the Elf) Shut up!  
  
(We now see Méomer looking at Jimagorn and the other two with severe mistrust upon his face. He is wearing a helmet and armor-typical garb for a Rider of Rohan)  
  
Méomer: (In a gruff, demanding tone) What business does a Man, an Elf, and a Dwarf have upon the Rohan?  
  
Brimli: (In a rather bright tone) Give me your business, horse-master, and I shall give you mine.  
  
(Méomer gives such a venomous glare at Brimli; even she shrinks back slightly in fear. Jimagorn gives a faint smile at this. We see Rider of Rohan#1 look at Rider of Rohan#2 questioningly)  
  
Rider of Rohan#1: (Whispering) Uh-that's considered as an insult, now?  
  
Rider of Rohan#2: (Shrugging and whispering back) I guess so-I wasn't around when they made it so. (Scolding the other) I told you we should have gone to the last meeting instead of that Styx concert!  
  
Rider of Rohan#1: (Scolding) Hey! That was important!  
  
(We see Méomer hop off his horse and approach Brimli, who is looking rather uncomfortable at the moment)  
  
Méomer: (Coldly) I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher off the ground!  
  
Brimli: (Glaring at the other) Are you calling me short?  
  
(We suddenly see Megolas whip out an arrow with lightning-quick speed and place it in her bow, and she points it at Méomer with a sharp glare on her face)  
  
Megolas: (Deadly serious, her hand not quivering on her weapon) You would die before your stroke fell!  
  
(Méomer looks rather surprised and backs away, but the Riders of Rohan inch their spears closer towards the group. Jimagorn looks rather embarrassed- this isn't turning out like he planned at all. Megolas still has her weapon drawn, looking quite angry. Brimli is wearing a shocked expression of gratitude upon her face as she looks at the Elf)  
  
Brimli: (In a shocked voice) Megolas, I had no idea that you cared!  
  
Megolas: (Snapping angrily at the Dwarf) Shut up, shorty!  
  
(We now focus on Jimagorn, who looks as though this has gone on long enough)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a simple, understanding tone) All right! All right! Everyone calm down! (Looks at Méomer) This is not going on as well as I would have liked. My name is Jimagorn, son of Jimathorn. And this is Brimli, daughter of Bloin. (Waves at the Dwarf casually) And this is Megolas, of the Woodland Realm. (Glances at the Elf, and whispers to Méomer) She doesn't have a father.  
  
Megolas: (Shocked as she lowers her weapon) Hey! I had to tell myself for a hundred years that it wasn't my fault that daddy left! You leave my personal problems out of this!  
  
(Jimagorn chooses not to reply, busy conversing with Méomer, who looks unconvinced)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a reassuring tone) We are friends of Kevoden, your king.  
  
Méomer: (Gives a small, dark laugh as he speaks) Kevoden does not recognize friend from foe-(Takes off his helmet) not even his own kin.  
  
(Recognizing the gesture, the Riders of Rohan lower their spears and back away from the group in recognition. Méomer speaks darkly)  
  
Méomer: (His words spoken as if they were poison) Andraman has poisoned the mind of our king, making him believe things he would never believe-do things he would never do-  
  
Rider of Rohan#3: (Darkly) Like walk about the palace with tissue boxes on his feet and wearing a bucket on his head.  
  
Méomer: (To Rider of Rohan#3 in a practical tone) Uh-no, he did that before Andraman poisoned his mind.  
  
Rider of Rohan#3: (Looking about awkwardly) O-kay.  
  
Méomer: (Back to Jimagorn) He is "inventing" new ways to run Edoras. Some of us are still for the old ways-and for that, we are banished. (Speaks darkly) The older and most gorgeous wizard is cunning. He walks from here to there, they say. And everywhere he goes-his spies slip past our nets. (Cast a dark look at the three strangers)  
  
Jimagorn: (Honestly) We are not spies! (In a desperate tone) We are tracking a group of Urak-hai that have two of our friends held captive.  
  
Méomer: (In a questioning tone) Is that your only reason?  
  
Megolas: (Sarcastically) No, one of them stole my tea cozy. Of course that's our only reason! Do you think we like running about the whole of Rohan, chasing a bunch of B.O ridden Orcs?  
  
Jimagorn: (In a defensive tone) I like running!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) Yeah, well you like touching yourself, also!  
  
Méomer: (In a defensive tone) What's wrong with that? (Touches himself on the chest)  
  
Jimagorn: (Smiling at the other fondly) I believe we understand one another.  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) Great! Another nutter that likes to grope himself! Just what we need!  
  
(At that moment, the Riders of Rohan begin muttering their objections and start stroking themselves on the chest. Jimagorn & Méomer look at the Riders with severe pride)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a positive tone) You have trained a great army.  
  
Méomer: (Smiling) I learn from the best.  
  
Megolas: (Throwing her hands in the air angrily) Good Lord! What is it with Men and touching themselves? It's sick! (Gives a great sigh of frustration) You're all freaks!  
  
Jimagorn: (Seriously speaking to Méomer) But, getting back to the situation at hand, you wouldn't happen to know where the Urak-hai members have turned, would you?  
  
Méomer: (In a gruff tone) We slaughtered the Urak-hai members last night.  
  
Brimli: (In a desperate tone) But the hobbits! Did you see two hobbits with them?  
  
Jimagorn: (In a descriptive, but worried tone) They are small-very small. They are only children through your eyes. They've also got disgusting, hairy feet as well.  
  
Megolas: (With a small laugh) You talk about disgusting as you stroke yourself on the chest.  
  
Méomer: (After a moment's silence) We left none alive.  
  
(Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli look horrified at this, and they look from one to another in desperation. Méomer looks down in small dismay, realizing the grave error he has made. Jimagorn stares at him in hopes that he might put a small ray of hope in there somewhere. Suddenly, Brimli speaks gruffly)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) You Men are just obsessed with killing things, aren't you? WHY DON'T YOU EVER TAKE CAPTIVES!  
  
Megolas: (Joining in irritably) I swear! All you Men ever do these days is grope yourselves and kill everything! No wonder we're in the same mess we were in over three thousand years ago!  
  
Méomer: (To an intent Jimagorn) We piled the carcasses and burnt them-so that they don't rot, because that's just nasty.  
  
(Jimagorn looks to the distance where his face falls as he sees a faint stream of smoke rising. We see Méomer pull the reins of two horses towards Jimagorn, looking very ashamed at the moment)  
  
Méomer: (In a sympathetic tone) Take these horses.  
  
Rider of Rohan#4: (In an objecting voice) Hey! That's my horse! I got that from my grandpa!  
  
Rider of Rohan#5: (Whining) Méomer! What'd I do? Why's my horse gotta go?  
  
Méomer: (In a dark tone to the Riders) It's more than you deserve! You two killed without comprehension or thought of what you were doing! You ought to be ashamed!  
  
Rider of Rohan#5: (Incredulously) What? You killed Orcs too! You put a sword right through the head of one of 'em! I saw you! And after it was all over, you put a head of one Orc on a stick and ran about the camp sight, laughing up a storm!  
  
Rider of Rohan#4: (In an agreeing tone) Yeah! Shouldn't you give your horse to them as well?  
  
Méomer: (Looking at the two Riders and speaking abruptly) All right-no dinner for you tonight! You two are one Guard duty-two nights in a row!  
  
(Both Riders groan in complaint, but Méomer turns to Jimagorn)  
  
Méomer: (In a sorrowful tone) Let these horses be a payment for what we had done.  
  
Megolas: (Taking the reins of one horse and speaking rather bitterly) Oh yes! You kill our friends, give us two horses, and expect us to forgive you! Oh yes! I think that covers it!  
  
Jimagorn: (With an understanding tone) Excuse my friend, Méomer. (Casts a brief scold at Megolas) She's distraught. (Looks at Méomer) We appreciate your gratitude and your help. (Touches chest in salute)  
  
Méomer: (Also touching chest in salute) It was our pleasure, Jimagorn, son of Jimathorn. (Mounts his horse and shouts to his Riders) We ride north! YAH!  
  
(Méomer kicks the sides of his horse and it canters off to the front of the group, heading north. The Riders of Rohan follow suit, occasionally muttering their apologies to Jimagorn and his group. Megolas gives a forlorn sigh)  
  
Megolas: (In a simple tone, stroking her horse's mane) Well, what do we do now?  
  
Jimagorn: (Turning the reins of his horse in his hands) Well, we've gone this far. (Looks to where the smoke rises forbiddingly) Wouldn't hurt to take a poke.  
  
(We now see the three riding towards the camp, Jimagorn riding ahead of Megolas, who has Brimli sharing her horse. As we near the camp sight, we see Jimagorn's face flash into dismay, and he looks behind him to Megolas & Brimli)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting) We near the camp! Hurry!  
  
(We now catch the face of Megolas, riding up front, clutching the reins tightly. Brimli sits behind her, grabbing her waist tightly. At Jimagorn's words, Megolas digs her heels into the horse and the horse trots faster. Now, we see the three approach the camp sight, a huge smoldering pile of Orcs in the dead center. The three stop, and Jimagorn immediately dismounts)  
  
Brimli: (Sliding off the horse and looking disgusted at the pile) Ugh! What a pretty decoration!  
  
(Megolas dismounts the horse and begins to look about the sight with Jimagorn. Brimli moves off to the side, scanning the ground with squinted eyes. Then, she lets out a small whine of dismay as she sees something: a weapons' belt-one of the belts given to the hobbits in Lórien. Slowly, Brimli picks it up and turns around towards Jimagorn & Megolas, who look at Brimli with frightened stares)  
  
Brimli: (In a forlorn tone) It's-It's one of their belts! One of the hobbits' belts!  
  
(We suddenly see Megolas look down in respects, and begin to say something in Elvish-a poem or scripture of some kind. Jimagorn looks horribly upset as he stares at the belt)  
  
Jimagorn: (Sorrowful) It-It can't be-!  
  
Brimli: (Sadly) I'm sorry, Jimagorn. (Megolas resumes speaking in Elvish, her face filled with deep despair as she does so. Soon, Brimli starts singing, "Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother", like she did when they sent Mikomir down the waterfall from the first movie. Jimagorn's face goes from forlorn to enraged, and he roughly kicks at a stray helmet on the ground, screaming out his frustration and sinking to the ground on his knees. Megolas & Brimli stop speaking and singing to look at Jimagorn)  
  
Megolas: (In a scornful tone) Well, that's not going to solve anything!  
  
Brimli: (In a blank voice) We've-We've failed them! Damn it! We've failed them!  
  
(Jimagorn doesn't reply, too upset to do anything. Then, his eyes open and he looks at the ground. Suddenly, he sees something that makes his face go into puzzlement. We see it too-a slightly flattened piece of earth, with a slightly flattened, dried up piece of horse manure. Megolas & Brimli look at one another in confusion)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a simple tone) That's it!  
  
Megolas: (Looks at the scene and frowns) Doesn't look like it-kind of looks like horse crap.  
  
(Jimagorn begins to explain, indicating the scene as he goes)  
  
Jimagorn: (Pointing to the flattened piece of earth) A hobbit lied here. And then.  
  
(We suddenly go back to where we last left Rippin Took, who's screaming in fear as the horse plans to poop on her. Immediately, she rolls off to the side seconds before we see the manure flop on the ground. We hear Jimagorn speak)  
  
Voice of Jimagorn: (Logically) She moved out of the way-but.  
  
(We see Rippin Took's face fall as we hear a squishing noise. She lifts her hands and scolds as she realizes that they have horse manure on them)  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily flinging her hands) YUCK! (She then looks about the area, focusing on the situation at hand. She sees something) Jessie!  
  
(We now see Jimagorn at the camp sight, crawling on his hands and knees, surveying the tracks)  
  
Jimagorn: (In detail) And they crawled, their hands were bound.  
  
Brimli: (Muttering to Megolas) Well, duh! Otherwise, why'd they be crawling?  
  
(Megolas shushes the Dwarf. We now see Rippin Took accompanied by Jessie Brandybuck, crawling frantically away from the battle taking place. We go back to Jimagorn, who has found a length of rope not too far away. And there's another rope a few inches from that one)  
  
Jimagorn: (As he looks at the rope) Their binds were cut.  
  
(We see Rippin Took find an Orc's axe and begin to saw at the binds frantically, glancing at the scene behind her. They finally snap and she rips them away. Then, she dashes over to Jessie Brandybuck and begins to untie hers. It takes a while; Rippin Took's hands keep slipping)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Impatiently) Hurry up, Rippin!  
  
Rippin Took: (Frantically) I'm trying, Jessie! You know I was never good with knots!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck's ropes are undone, and they run from the scene. Then, a horse rears on its feet in front of them, causing them to pause. Rippin Took looks quite frightened)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Urgently) LET'S GO, RIPPIN!  
  
(Both the hobbits run under the horse, first Jessie Brandybuck, and then Rippin Took. Once they are safe enough, the hobbits look about worriedly)  
  
Rippin Took: (Worried) What're we going to do, Jessie? What are we going to do?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Sternly) Don't worry, Rippin! Just-blend in!  
  
(Both the hobbits begin to whistle casually, and waltz about the battle as of two people walking through the park. We go back to Jimagorn, who is now surveying another spot on the ground)  
  
Jimagorn: (Darkly) They were pursued.  
  
(We see Jessie Brandybuck shout out as something holds her back. She looks behind her and screams as she realizes that it's Urak-hai Member#8, hissing as he has a firm grip on her weapons' belt)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily, trying to break free) Why-won't you-die?  
  
Rippin Took: (Desperately) The belt, Jessie! The belt!  
  
(With a quick movement, Jessie Brandybuck undoes the belt, and they bolt away from the Orc. Urak-hai Member#8 hisses as he realizes that he clutches an empty weapons' belt and throws it beside him, crawling after the hobbits. We go back to Jimagorn, who is now on his feet and surveying the ground intently)  
  
Jimagorn: (In an eager tone) They fled.  
  
(We see Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took dashing away from the scene. Then, we see Jimagorn stop in his tracks and look puzzled at something)  
  
Jimagorn: (Still confused) One of them kept stopping, for some reason.  
  
(We see Jessie Brandybuck stop in her tracks to pull up her pants, which are too big for her. Rippin Took waits impatiently)  
  
Rippin Took: (Urgently) Jessie! Hurry up!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Irritably) It's no good! Without my belt, my pants keep slipping down my bottom! (Begins to run again)  
  
Rippin Took: (In an agitated tone) Why do you buy pants that are too big for you, anyways?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In an indignant manner as she stops to pull her pants up again) They make me feel thinner!  
  
(We go back to Jimagorn, who is still following the tracks)  
  
Jimagorn: (Growing more excited) And they fled! They fled into.  
  
(Jimagorn stops abruptly as he looks up and sees that he is bordering the Fangorn Forest. His eyes go dreadfully wide. Megolas & Brimli run behind him, and they both gasp at the forest-slowly becoming more dismayed as they realize that the hobbits have gone in there)  
  
Brimli: (In a small voice) What madness would drive them there?  
  
(The three look at one another and nod)  
  
Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli: Rippin. 


	8. Scene Eight: The Fangorn Forest

Scene Eight  
  
(We now are in the Fangorn Forest, and we go back to the night in which the Urak-hai camp sight was attacked. We see Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck running into the forest, desperate to escape the horrible battle, taking place in the camp sight. Finally, they plop down in a small clearing in exhaustion, looking at one another with both worry and optimism)  
  
Rippin Took: (Through her breaths) Did we lose him? I think we lost him.  
  
(Unable to reply, Jessie Brandybuck merely nods in agreement. Then, her face goes into a look of pure horror as she looks over Rippin Took's shoulder. Rippin Took looks behind her and gasps. Coming from the trees, swiping at any branches in his way, is Urak-hai Member#8. When he sees them, he lets out a vicious growl. We get a look at his maddened, horrible face)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Viciously shouting) I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR FILTHY LITTLE INNARDS! COME HERE!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a small voice) Or-he's right there.  
  
Rippin Took: (Desperately) What're we going to do?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Pushing Rippin Took) RUN!  
  
(Both the hobbits scamper deeper into the wood, but Urak-hai Member#8 is in angry pursuit, not letting down for a moment. The hobbits hide at the base of a huge tree, hoping that they will not be found)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a frantic whisper) Oh-this is hopeless! If we only had a tree to climb!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looking about frantically, and seeing their huge tree, and whispering) The tree! Climb the tree!  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking behind her and flinching from the shock) Whoa! Where did that come from?  
  
(Without hesitation, the hobbits run to the tree, looking back to see Urak- hai Member#8 coming closer. Rippin Took tries to climb up first, but is getting a hard time footing. Jessie Brandybuck grabs the other's bottom and pushes her up. Rippin Took scolds at the other)  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily) What'd you grab my butt for?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) Damn it, Rippin! Just go! (Rippin Took quickly climbs up the tree, followed shortly by Jessie Brandybuck. We focus of Jessie Brandybuck as she gets to the bottom half of the tree and looks through a break in the branches. She looks about for any sign of Urak-hai Member#8, but there is none)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a relaxed tone) He's gone. Thank goodness!  
  
(Suddenly, Jessie Brandybuck screams as something grasps her ankle and begins to pull down with horrifying strength. Rippin Took looks down and screams as she sees Urak-hai Member#8 pulling the struggling Jessie Brandybuck down)  
  
Rippin Took: (Screaming) AH CRAP!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Struggling and trying to keep a good grip on the tree limbs, but finds she's slipping) Rippin!  
  
Rippin Took: (Horrified) Jessie! Hold on! I'm coming down!  
  
(But it's too late. With a shout of anguish, Jessie Brandybuck is pulled down by Urak-hai Member#8. He gives a shout of triumph, but a quick blow to the face quickly silences it by Jessie Brandybuck's foot)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Appearing unaffected by the blow, and looking even angrier) Nasty hobbit should think twice before kicking Orcs!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck jumps to her feet and begins to dash away, but stops as her pants slip. With a groan, she stops and pulls them up. This gives Urak-hai Member#8 time to pounce on her and bring her to the ground. Jessie Brandybuck lets out a high-pitched scream and we see Rippin Took watching the scene with a horrified stare)  
  
Rippin Took: (Tears of fear coming to her eyes as she screams) JESSIE!  
  
(While the hobbit is looking away, we suddenly see two eyes in the tree open-Rippin Took wasn't climbing a tree, it was an Ent. And it was not just any Ent-but it's Big Nuts. Though, none of the hobbits knows this at the moment. Hearing a noise, Rippin Took looks at the tree in disinterest. Then, her face goes into a state of shock as she looks back slowly and sees Big Nuts staring at her. We see Rippin Took give a horrified shout, then let go of the Ent. But it causes her to lose balance and she begins to fall. But with a swift movement, Big Nuts catches her silently. That's when we see Urak-hai Member#8 grasping Jessie Brandybuck by the shoulder with one hand, while the other raises a broadsword)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Evilly and angrily) Let's put a maggot hole in your belly!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a frightened squeak) Uh-no! Let's not do that! Can't we just talk about this or-? (Jessie Brandybuck stops talking and starts gagging as Urak-hai Member#8 moves his hand from her shoulder to her throat, and begins to apply pressure. Jessie Brandybuck's glasses go askew and she begins to struggle violently)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (Evilly) You're done talking, little hobbit!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck looks over the Orc's shoulder and her eyes widen as she sees Rippin Took being grasped by a tree. Urak-hai Member#8 doesn't seem to notice as Big Nuts approaches him from behind and slowly lifts up his leg over the Orc)  
  
Urak-hai Member#8: (In a slick voice) The only talking you'll ever do is the scream of pain you release when I tickle you with this! (Indicates the broadsword)  
  
(Urak-hai Member#8 raises the broadsword and gets ready to strike, but he doesn't get that far. Before he can do anything else, Big Nuts squashes him beneath his massive, tree foot. Jessie Brandybuck scurries away from the scene, screaming in fright at what just transpired, then goes white in the face as she sees what's in front of her. For a while, she just stands there and stares at the Ent)  
  
Rippin Took: (Urgently) RUN, JESSIE! RUN! KILLER TREE!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck whips around and makes to dash into the forest, but with one motion, Big Nuts scoops up the hobbit. He brings the struggling Jessie Brandybuck to his vision, then Rippin Took. Both are speechless as they stare into the eyes of the Ent, both horrified at what is in front of them)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a slow, grinding type of a voice) Little Orcs?  
  
(Both Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took look at one another in confusion. Rippin Took gawks at the Ent in both fear and wonderment)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a small tone) The tree is talking! The tree is talking, Jessie!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a rolling voice) Tree? I am no tree! I am an Ent!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (A smile of wonderment coming to her face) A tree- herder! A shepherd of the forest!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a desperate tone) Don't talk to it, Jessie! You'll only encourage it!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a scornful voice) Encourage it to do what, Rippin, throw Miracle Grow on us?  
  
(Big Nuts begins to move through the forest with slow, but powerful strides, both hobbits in hand. We see that he has huge acorns rest upon his head with the leaves and branches. He is rather tall and his bark is thick with age) Jessie Brandybuck: (Clearly intrigued) What are you called, if I may ask so, Mister Ent?  
  
Big Nuts: (In a slow, grinding tone) I am the Leader of the Ents-a wanderer of the Fangorn-one of the last that roam these forests. I have seen much change-and will continue to do so, so long as this world turns. They call me-Big Nuts.  
  
(Both Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took stare at the Ent, unsure as to how to react. Whatever they were expecting, it wasn't this. Finally, Rippin Took can't stand it. She begins giggle uncontrollably. Jessie Brandybuck looks at Rippin Took with a scornful look, probably frightened she might upset the Ent)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Out of the side of her mouth) Rippin! Shut up! In the name of all things holy, shut-up!  
  
(Still, Rippin Took giggles, covering her mouth with her free hand, trying to hide it. To distract the Ent from this, Jessie Brandybuck speaks)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Nervously) Uh-why are you called, "Big Nuts", may I ask?  
  
Big Nuts: (Looking at the hobbit as though this obvious) Don't you think I have big nuts?  
  
(Rippin Took begins to break out in laughter, kicking the air and hooting in hysteria. Jessie Brandybuck reaches over and slaps the hobbit across the head angrily. Rippin Took exclaims in pain and rubs the back of her head)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Awkwardly) Well-I never really cared to look-not that I- I mean I think-that is to say-  
  
(Big Nuts tilts his head to the side, and a huge acorn falls from his head. It plops on his shoulder and he rolls it over to where Jessie Brandybuck is being held. She stops it from running her over and looks at the acorn with wide eyes. Even Rippin Took is staring at the scene)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a simple tone) See! Big nuts!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Nodding in understanding) Oh! Of course! You have big acorns! I get it! (Rolls the acorn over the side and stares up at the Ent) So-you're an Ent, eh?  
  
Rippin Took: (In a nervous tone) Whose side are you on?  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck shoots a warning glance over at Rippin Took, but Big Nuts is already speaking)  
  
Big Nuts: (In the same slow, powerful tone) Side? I am on no one's side- because nobody is on my side! Nobody likes me! I ought to smash them into fertilizer! (Looks at the hobbits with distrust) And people like to play games with me-sending their spies in the woods-Orc spies!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Quickly, with a small laugh) No! No! No! We're not Orcs! We're hobbits!  
  
Big Nuts: (In confusion) Hobbits? Never heard of a hobbit before. (With anger building in his voice) Sounds like Orc trickery to me!  
  
(Big Nuts begins to squeeze Jessie Brandybuck about the waist, causing her to wince in pain and struggle weakly in the grasp of the Ent. Rippin Took looks at her friend, horrified and no longer finding anything really funny. She suddenly realizes how dangerous this creature can be)  
  
Big Nuts: (Anger building in his voice) Dirty Orcs! They come in here, with their axes and their shovels and their swords and their pyramid schemes! Cutting and digging and chopping and causing bankruptcy and fraud! Destroyers and usurpers and crap heads! CURSE THEM!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Desperately, as she struggles) You don't understand! We're hobbits! Halflings! Small midgets! (Looks to a bemused Rippin Took) Fat, hairy footed pansies!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a stern tone) I think this is a matter that can be settled with the older and most gorgeous wizard!  
  
Rippin Took: (Confused and frightened) The older and most gorgeous wizard?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (A look of hate and horror coming to her face) Andraman.  
  
(Big Nuts stops and releases his grip on the hobbits, who scream as they fall to the earth. When they land, we see them look up and see the person standing in front of them, whose back is towards the camera. He is clothed in pure white, has black hair, and is a representation of pure power. Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck stare into the face of the older and most gorgeous wizard) 


	9. Scene Nine: The Misty Marshes

Scene Nine  
  
(We now go back to Lizzo Baggins, Kram Gamgee, and their new accomplice and guide, Jenolum. Jenolum leads the way for the hobbits out of Emyn Muil, sounding very happy and overjoyed to be out-and to be alive. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee stare about with disbelief on their faces, unwillingly to believe that they have actually gotten through)  
  
Jenolum: (In a happy hissing tone) See? We leads you out! We leads the hobbits out!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a grim tone) Yeah-now we're closer towards the one place we don't want to go.  
  
(In spite of herself, Lizzo Baggins smiles grimly as she looks in the distance)  
  
Jenolum: (Still in the hissing tone) Come, young hobbits! Come! We's lead you to Black Gate! Come!  
  
(Jenolum takes off, and Lizzo Baggins walks behind. Kram Gamgee readjusts the straps on her pack and looks after them)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Quiet and sarcastically) Woo hoo! (Follows after)  
  
(Suddenly, we see Kram Gamgee's foot sink into some murky swamp water. She gives a great exclaim of disgust as she looks down and drags her foot from the muddy mess. Lizzo Baggins looks back and joins her friend)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Disgustedly) It's a bog! (Nodding over towards Jenolum) She's led us into a swamp, Miss Lizzo!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a small scowl) No kidding, Kram? I thought that with all this mud and murky water, we were in the desert!  
  
(Kram Gamgee glares at Lizzo Baggins, but both hobbits soon turn their attention upon Jenolum, who is speaking)  
  
Jenolum: (In a hissing, yet strangely delighted tone) Yes, young hobbits! It is a swamp! The Misty Marshes! No one knows the way through-even nasty Orceses! They go around for miles and miles-which is really unnecessary, but they're stupid, so who cares? But we's know the way! We's traveled through the marshes and survived-we's knows the way through. (Looking back at the hobbits) Come, little hobbits! To cross the marshes, you must be as quick as shadows, and swift as air.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (After taking a whiff of the air and wrinkling her nose) And have a nose made of granite, I warrant.  
  
(Now we see the travelers have stopped in an area to rest and have something to eat. Kram Gamgee & Lizzo Baggins sit near to one another, munching on their lembas as they watch Jenolum sit in front of them)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Disgruntled as she looks about the place) I hate this place! It's too quiet! Not an animal in sight-not even a bird!  
  
Jenolum: (In a forlorn tone) Nope-no birds to eat-no crunchable birds. (In an angry tone) Dang ingrates, think that Marshes too good for them! (After being quiet for a few seconds, begins to speak in a whining tone) We are famished, we are! Famished!  
  
(Both the hobbits merely continue to eat their lembas, and Jenolum looks on the ground and sees something that makes her eyes lighten up. She quickly plunges her hand in the mud and pulls out a wriggling worm. Jenolum flicks it into the air and eats it, sounding satisfied each time she chews. Kram Gamgee looks quite disgusted at this)  
  
Jenolum: (Licking her lips) Mmm! It's nice and juicy-and it wriggles as it goes down!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily putting her lembas back in her pack) Damn it, I lost my appetite!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Breaking off a piece of her lembas and throwing it to Jenolum) Here.  
  
(Jenolum eyes the lembas with bright, curious eyes, and Lizzo Baggins watches with distrust and disinterest. Kram Gamgee looks very disgruntled about everything)  
  
Jenolum: (Picking up the piece of lembas and eyeing it curiously) What is it, precious? What is it?  
  
(After sniffing it, Jenolum pops the fragment of lembas into her mouth-only to spit it out again into the waters, coughing up as if she has eaten something rather nasty. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look at the scene with wide eyes. Jenolum is cursing under her breath)  
  
Jenolum: (Hissing) Agh! It burns as we chews it! It tries to chokes us! We mustn't have hobbit food!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Crossing her arms angrily) Well-sorry for caring!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Suddenly having a bit of lembas in her hand) Besides-it's not that bad! (Chews on it, and speaking with her mouth full) It's a little stale, but once you chew on it for about five minutes, it goes down easy enough!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Incredulously at Kram Gamgee) I thought you said you lost your appetite!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a quiet voice) I got hungry again. (Munches on her lembas in silence)  
  
Jenolum: (In a forlorn tone, her hands covering her face) It is no uses! We will never find food for us to eats! We will starve!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a very bitter tone to Jenolum) Well, starve then! Then you'll know how I felt during those few seconds!  
  
Jenolum: (Angrily at Kram Gamgee) It is mean to us! It is bitter and rude! It doesn't care about us! She wouldn't care if we was to die!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a stern tone) Hey! I would so care if you were to die! I'd be happy! That's not caring to you?  
  
Jenolum: (Looking towards Lizzo Baggins with pride upon her face) Not like- master.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks at Jenolum, a mixture of confusion and distrust etching upon her face)  
  
Jenolum: (In a kind voice) Master is kind.loyal.and friendly to us! She is so much more than many can compare.  
  
(Jenolum looks towards Lizzo Baggins' chest, where the Movie of Power is hidden under the shirt. Lizzo Baggins'-sensing what Jenolum is watching- puts a hand defensively to her chest. Jenolum-who is extending her hand- slowly draws it back, but keeps her pale eyes upon the chest)  
  
Jenolum: (In a quiet tone) Once it has a hold of us.it never lets go.it has a really good grip on things, after all. So pretty.  
  
(Jenolum places a hand softly upon Lizzo Baggins' sleeve, but the hobbit flinches as if touched with a dead fish)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily, smacking at Jenolum's hand) Don't touch me! Your hands are really cold! Haven't you ever heard of a sweater?  
  
(Jenolum backs away with a small gasp, crouching away from Lizzo Baggins, yet still keeping an innocent eye upon her. Lizzo Baggins merely turns away, trying to ignore the creature as best she can. Jenolum then moves away a fair distance and scrunches up-probably to find some comfort within herself. Then, we see the three travelers trekking along the marshes again. Kram Gamgee follows Jenolum at a fair pace, with Lizzo Baggins close behind. Jenolum moves swiftly, her skinny and lithe form easy to go from one place to another quickly. But Kram Gamgee is rather bumbling, stumbling over her own feet, causing the pans on her pack to clatter loudly. Lizzo Baggins is staring at the different surroundings, both intrigued and horrified by its presence. Kram Gamgee looks at some water nearby and her eyes widen in fear as she sees a dead body lying in the water, some kelp growing out of its head)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Her tone quiet, but building louder and louder) EeeeewwwWWWEEE!  
  
(Both Lizzo Baggins & Jenolum look at Kram Gamgee, who has backed up a fair way, but finds herself tottering on another edge of the marsh. Quickly, Lizzo Baggins rushes to her friend's aid, grabbing her before she can fall in. Kram Gamgee looks behind her to see another dead body)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Jumping in horror) Oh my GOD!  
  
Jenolum: (Confused) What bothers it, precious? What bothers it?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Exasperated as she points to the water) What bothers me? What BOTHERS ME? I'll tell you what bothers me! There are dead things in the water! DEAD THINGS!  
  
Jenolum: (Hissing in frustration) Of course there is, precious! Of course there is dead things! Why does it thinks they call it the Dead Marshes?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Intrigued) The Dead Marshes?  
  
Jenolum: (Explaining in hisses) They's hold the bodies of the ones who died in a great battle-long ago. There are Elves and Men-maybe some other animals, but that isn't the point! Hobbits must be careful-they mustn't follow the lights. If they do, then they go under and light little candles of their own.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Sarcastically, glaring after Jenolum) Oh-that's reassuring!  
  
(Without another word, the hobbits follow Jenolum quietly. Jenolum crawls animal-like through the marshes, swift as anything you could imagine-even jumping over one bank to another quietly. Kram Gamgee tries not to step in so much mud, but when she does she curses and continues on. Lizzo Baggins follows after, looking about cautiously. We occasionally catch glimpses of the bodies embedded in the swamp, lying eerily below the murky water. We see Jenolum look to the distance, quiver back, but then look towards the hobbits eagerly)  
  
Jenolum: (Hissing) Hurries up! Hurries up! We draws closer to the Dark Land-to Mordor. Move quietly, young hobbits! They must move quietly!  
  
(And with that, Jenolum quietly bounds forward, Kram Gamgee muttering darkly afterwards. Then, we see Lizzo Baggins begin to take a different route from everyone, looking entranced at something. Almost without thinking, Lizzo Baggins walks to the edge of the water and peers in blankly. We see that she is eyeing Dead Body#1, lying there eerily, a branch of seaweed coming out of its head. We see Lizzo Baggins stare at it as if fascinated, as if expecting it to do something. Kram Gamgee looks behind her and her eyes widen as she sees what the other is doing)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a breathless voice) Lizzo! Get away from there! What're you doing?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a blank voice) There's a dead body here. I just wanted to see it.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Lizzo, wake up and look around you! There are dead bodies everywhere! You can look at them! Lizzo!  
  
(But Lizzo Baggins appears to not have heard. We then see Dead Body#1 open his eyes-the colorless, sightless orbs of white gazing at the hobbit. Suddenly, Lizzo Baggins falls forward-as if being drawn mindlessly-into the water with the dead body. With a hard splash, she disappears from view. Kram Gamgee looks horrified)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shouting as she runs back to her friend's aid) LIZZO!  
  
(We now see Lizzo Baggins under water, looking about as if finally realizing what has been done. She looks terrified as she looks at Dead Body#1, who has turned into some greenish, creepy spirit. It begins to inch towards her, like a spider seeking its prey after catching it in its web)  
  
Dead Body#1: (Misty and evilly) Fresh meat! Fresh meat!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins gasps under water in fear, and her eyes widen as she sees the spirits of Dead Body#2&3 come towards her)  
  
Dead Body#2: (In a hissing voice) Come, mortal creature! Come join us!  
  
Dead Body#3: (In an eerily convincing tone) It's not so bad, young one! You spend your entire life under the water, but you get all the generic cola you want!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins screams under water and begins to try and swim to the surface. But the spirits follow afterward, slowly reaching up to grasp the fool that so easily came within their grasp. Lizzo Baggins struggles violently to be free of the trap, but it appears useless. Suddenly, we see Jenolum's hands come onto Lizzo Baggins' shoulders and roughly pull her out. Lizzo Baggins is pulled to the surface, sputtering and coughing as she breathes in the air)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Fearfully, kicking towards the water) Get 'em away! Get 'em away from me!  
  
(Jenolum sets the drenching hobbit far on shore, watching her cough up water)  
  
Jenolum: (In a comforting hiss) Master is all right! Master is okay!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at Jenolum as if seeing her for the first time) Jenolum?  
  
Jenolum: (With a small scowl) We tells it once, precious! "Don't-follow- the lights!" (With a sigh of frustration) Stupid!  
  
(Jenolum bounds away, and Lizzo Baggins stares after her. At that moment, Kram Gamgee runs to her friend's side)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small voice) Jenolum?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Relieved to see her friend alive) Oh, thank goodness, Miss Lizzo! You're alive. Gees! (Scowls at her friend and speaks in a scornful tone) I swear, Miss Lizzo, I can't go anywhere for five seconds without you doing something stupid, can I?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins doesn't answer, staring after Jenolum curiously. Then, we approach nightfall, where we see a restless Lizzo Baggins toss and turn under her blankets. Finally, seeking reprieve from her uneasiness, Lizzo Baggins carefully puts her hand down the front of her shirt, seeking out the One Movie to hold. Suddenly, her eyes snap open as she realizes that it's gone. She pulls out the chain to find the Movie has left its bind)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a horrified whisper) What the hell?  
  
(We suddenly hear Kram Gamgee saying something indistinguishable and a sudden whish! Lizzo Baggins sits bolt upright and looks off to her side and is horrified to find Kram Gamgee & Jenolum playing a game of Frisbee- with the Movie of Power. They play it casually, as if it's no big deal. Lizzo Baggins lets her jaw drop in horror)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting) WHAT THE HELL?  
  
(Lightning quick, Lizzo Baggins jumps out from under her blankets and runs to Kram Gamgee's side, who acknowledges her with a simple nod)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Concentrating on catching and throwing the Movie) Hey, Lizzo. How's it going?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a horrified tone) What the devil are you doing?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Simply) Playing Frisbee with Jenolum. Want to play? We're open for one more player.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Still frightened) No! Do you have any idea of what you're using as a Frisbee?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Simply, not understanding what the big deal is) Yeah-we're using the Movie. We would have used a Frisbee, but I lost mine in Moria. We had to use this instead.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Are you mad? What would make you do this? What would possess you into doing something like this?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a shrug) You keep saying that I should pay more quality time with Jenolum-and here I am, playing Frisbee! What more do you want?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Frustrated) You idiot! Don't you realize the risks in this? You could lose the Movie! And you have any faint idea as to whom your opponent is? She could just take the Movie and bat off-kill us in our sleep! It could all start over again-or turn out worse than what it was before!  
  
(Kram Gamgee catches the Movie and her eyes widen in shock as she realizes it. Jenolum looks rather confused at the moment. Kram Gamgee looks at an angry Lizzo Baggins with a horrified expression)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small voice) Ohhhhh!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting to Jenolum) Game over, Jenolum! Kram's gotta get some sleep! (Glares at Kram Gamgee)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Muttering as she shuffles off) I swear! Do one thing nice for somebody and it ends up blowing up in my face!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins watches Kram Gamgee go, then finally shakes her head in frustration and slips the Movie back on its chain. Then, she hears Jenolum speak)  
  
Jenolum: (Adoringly) So bright-so beautiful-so shiny. The precious.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins immediately puts the Movie back under her shirt, and stares at the creature. Jenolum is crouching upon a large rock, holding her hand before her and stroking an imaginary Movie of Power within her grasp)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small voice) What? What did you say, Jenolum?  
  
Jenolum: (In a matter-of-fact tone) Master should be resting. It should be recovering from her little dive into the Dead Marshes. (Fondly strokes the object in her hand)  
  
(Lizzo Baggins gets up and walks over to Jenolum, looking rather concerned for the creature)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Questioning) What are you doing, Jenolum? What do you have in your hand? Jenolum: (In a convincing hiss) My precious. This was the hand in which we would hold it, and we would stroke it and pet it like this. (Pets the object in her hand lovingly) My precious.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking at the object in her hand and back at Jenolum with a logical look upon her face) Er-Jenolum, you know that that's a rock, right?  
  
Jenolum: (Lifts the rock from her grasp and stares faintly at it) We wonders why it didn't feel the same. (Throws the rock behind her into the waters)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a sudden intrigued voice) Who are you, Jenolum?  
  
Jenolum: (In a defensive voice) It mustn't ask us, precious! It's not it's business! It is invading our privacy!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Bending down so that she is eye to eye with Jenolum) Kendalf told me about you-a story about your past.  
  
Jenolum: (In a rambling tone) Hobbits live with trees and grass, unwilling for the danger to pass.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Egging on) He said that your story was a sad one-very sad, considering it dealt with the Movie!  
  
Jenolum: (Trying to avoid these words, still rambling) It does not see what lies ahead, where sun has failed and moon is dead.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Still pushing the matter) You were not that different from a hobbit once, were you-(Her face goes into a look of caution as she utters the name) Jenéagol?  
  
(Jenolum stares at Lizzo Baggins in shock, almost as if Lizzo Baggins uttered a curse word or something. Then, obviously speechless, the creature speaks)  
  
Jenolum: (Incredulously) What did you call me?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a sympathetic tone) That was your name once-a long time ago.  
  
Jenolum: (Nodding in understanding) I-suppose so. Can't remember these things so often, anymore.  
  
(Suddenly, a horrible hiss is heard from overhead-a familiar and ominous hiss from the first movie. Kram Gamgee's eyes snap open and she looks skyward, along with Lizzo Baggins, whose face has turned ashen. Jenolum looks petrified)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a horrified shout) Oh my God! PHONE SOLICITORS!  
  
Jenolum: (Scared beyond comparison) Quick, little hobbits! Little hobbits must take cover! Mustn't let them see us!  
  
(Jenolum is already bounding for a stray tree on the shore where they're camped, and Kram Gamgee makes to follow. But suddenly, Lizzo Baggins lets out a shout of pain, and falls on her back, clutching her left shoulder tightly. As she screams, we see a figure of the past-the spirit, king form of Adelphia, as he raises his dagger and lunges it at Lizzo Baggins' shoulder. We then see Lizzo Baggins look horribly pain stricken, grasping her left shoulder and screaming in anguish. Kram Gamgee backtracks and runs to her friend's side)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Horrified) Lizzo! What's wrong?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a painful voice) It hurts! It HURTS! OUCH! (Clutches shoulder in pain) Help me, Kram! Help me!  
  
(We see Jenolum look at the hobbits in fear)  
  
Jenolum: (Seriously) Hobbits must take cover! Hobbits hurry and keep out of sight!  
  
(Kram Gamgee picks up Lizzo Baggins and supports her to the cover under the tree, where Lizzo Baggins practically collapses in exhaustion and pain. Kram Gamgee looks to the skies in anger and fear)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a shout) I thought they were dead! Those freaky, strange water horses took care of 'em!  
  
Jenolum: (Looks at Kram Gamgee with a shocked expression and shakes head wildly) Dead? Dead? No! You cannot kill them, no! They don't die! (With a small hiss) You cannot hang up on them so easily!  
  
(Another awful hiss rings throughout the area, and all three companions look to the skies in worry)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Frustrated) Why, though?  
  
Jenolum: (In a dark whisper) Because they are phone solicitors! When you think you get rid of one-they come right back for more! They live off of the annoyance of others!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a heated whisper) They're pests!  
  
Jenolum: (Darkly) Of course, young hobbits! (Shrinks down further) Stay quiet, young hobbits! Don't let them see us!  
  
(Kram Gamgee does as she is told, but looks up to catch a good look at the Phone Solicitors. We see Sprint off of the usual bicycle and now riding-a hand glider? Well, Sprint flies throughout the skies, seeking out the One Movie to take back to Mordor. Of to the side of him, we see other Phone Solicitors seeking the Movie as well; each hand glider is a different, bright neon color. Suddenly, Sprint lets out a sickening shriek, causing the three companions to flinch at the noise)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Whispering to Jenolum) What's it making that racket for?  
  
Jenolum: (In a hissing whisper) They seeks out the precious! They are minions of the Dark Lord-they are trying to find the precious!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins gives a strong gasp of pain and clutches her left shoulder in pain. Kram Gamgee places her hand upon Lizzo Baggins' forehead)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Concerned) Don't worry, Miss Lizzo! It'll all be over soon! Just hold on, Lizzo! Hold on!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks to the sky in horror, and goes deadly silent as a Phone Solicitor flies over their tree. Finally, the Phone Solicitors give up their search and fly off towards Mordor. As we see them disappear, we see AT&T & Verizon crash into one another, hissing as they go down. Luckily, there is a strong breeze, causing the two Phone Solicitors to get a better flight, allowing them to fly after the others towards Mordor. When the last of their hisses disappear altogether, the three companions look at one another in relief. Lizzo Baggins sits upright, breathing heavily and sweating from the strain that occurred a few minutes ago. Jenolum looks after the Phone Solicitors with a venomous stare)  
  
Jenolum: (Darkly) They surveys the Marshes-we must cross them quickly, young hobbits!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a simple tone) Well-this just sucks, if you ask me anything.  
  
(We see the three companions look to the distance to see a Phone Solicitor flying towards Mordor, a mere, foreboding speck in the distance) 


	10. Scene Ten: The Older and Most Gorgeous W...

Scene Ten  
  
(We now go back to three other travelers-Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli, searching for Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck within the darkness of the Fangorn Forest. Each of them has their weapons drawn, and Brimli stops to survey a black liquid on a nearby branch. She puts some on her fingertip and puts it to her mouth to taste. She gives a shout of disgust and spits it out)  
  
Brimli: (Disgustedly) Orc blood! Ick!  
  
Megolas: (Agitated) Will you please quit doing that? That is so unhygienic!  
  
Jimagorn: (Seriously, surveying the ground for tracks) There are tracks that I do not recognize in here. They are much bigger than Orc or hobbit.  
  
(Suddenly, there is another series of soft howling and cracking noises fills the forest. The three wanderers look about worriedly. Once it has subsided, Jimagorn speaks)  
  
Jimagorn: (Clutching his chest and whispering) What was that?  
  
Megolas: (With a small smile on her face as she speaks) The trees are talking to one another. They sense our presence-they don't trust us.  
  
Brimli: (In a confused tone) Those were trees? I thought they were killer whales!  
  
Jimagorn: (Gesturing sharply and whispering to the Dwarf) Brimli! Lower your axe!  
  
Brimli: (Confused) Hmm? (Sees axe and suddenly comprehends the situation with a nod) Oh yeah! (Nervously laughs as she puts the axe behind her back. Then, she begins to speak bitterly as she looks about the area) Good for nothing trees-scare the willies out of me!  
  
Megolas: (In a warning tone to the Dwarf) It would be wise to show some respect, dear Dwarf! The trees speak to each other-have a mind of their own. The Elves started it-caused them to come alive and talk to one another.  
  
Brimli: (In an annoyed tone) So-if we get attacked by a tree, then this is technically your fault!  
  
(Megolas rolls her eyes in agitation and walks off to join Jimagorn in his search. Brimli follows after a moment of surveying the area)  
  
Brimli: (In a bitter tone) I swear! What do trees have to talk about, anyways? "Say, my bark's coming off!" "Really? I'm beginning to experience some major sap shortage this month! Maybe I could be producing spores!"  
  
(We see the three move deeper into the forest, occasionally pausing as they hear the trees speak to one another occasionally. Suddenly, Megolas pauses as she hears something else)  
  
Megolas: (To Jimagorn in Elvish) Jimagorn, I see something!  
  
Brimli: (In a frustrated tone) Damn it! There they go, speaking in Elvish again!  
  
Jimagorn: (Running up to Megolas and also speaking in Elvish) What do you see?  
  
Megolas: (Smiling grimly and speaking in English) The older and most gorgeous wizard approaches.  
  
(Megolas lets her eyes dart to behind her, and Jimagorn nods in understanding. Brimli realizes what's going on, and looks about nervously. Slowly, Jimagorn pulls out his broadsword, and Megolas grips her bow tighter)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a serious whisper) Do not let him speak-he will put a spell on us. For some weird reason, they don't like using swords to defend themselves.  
  
Megolas: (In a humorous tone) Maybe they think saying spells make them sexier. I mean, with Men, it's touching themselves and with Dwarves, it's swinging axes.  
  
Brimli: (Shocked as she looks at the Elf) How'd you know that?  
  
Megolas: (Smiling at the Dwarf) It's hard to miss, Brimli.  
  
Brimli: (In a defensive tone) Yeah, well, if you think you're so big, what makes Elves feel sexy?  
  
(Before Megolas can answer, Jimagorn shushes them sternly)  
  
Jimagorn: (Whispering) When I turn around, we attack. Ready?  
  
(The two nod towards Jimagorn, and they all turn around to face the white figure behind them standing upon a stump-the older and most gorgeous wizard. Megolas shoots arrows quickly towards the figure, but the wizard deflects them quickly, as if in instinct. Brimli starts throwing knives at the other, but the wizard deflects them as well. Jimagorn raises his sword for a blow, but the wizard waves his hand casually and the sword grows brighter and gets hotter, causing Jimagorn to gasp in pain and release the sword. The three look upon the wizard, squinting through the great white light illuminating from the wizard. When it speaks, it sounds like Andraman)  
  
Voice of Andraman: (Menacing as ever) You seek two young hobbits in these forests, don't you?  
  
Megolas: (Shielding her face with her hands from the light, and in a bitter tone) So much for not letting him speak, huh Jimagorn?  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) What have you done with them?  
  
(The wizard speaks again, and it sounds like Kendalf, this time)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Gentle and reassuring) They passed through these woods, the day before yesterday. They met up with me. Does that comfort you?  
  
Brimli: (Grumpily) Of course not, you twit! Does it look like we're dancing around a may pole to you? Gees!  
  
Jimagorn: (Feeling like there's some nasty work afoot) Who are you?  
  
(The wizard does not speak, only stands there staring at the three companions. The three look at one another in confusion, wondering what they're really waiting for)  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily and demanding) Answer! Show yourself!  
  
(The light fades slightly and we see the identity of the wizard-it is Kendalf. But it doesn't look like Kendalf at all. He is slightly more handsome that before, and he wears white robes in place of his gray ones. He looks as if he had never fallen-never been in any battle concerning a fire demon. He also carries a white staff instead of a wooden one, and he seems to bear more power than before. As he looks upon the three familiar faces, Kendalf smiles good-heartedly. Jimagorn is aghast, clutching his chest in shock. Megolas & Brimli are looking like they are staring into the face of death)  
  
Jimagorn: (In barely more than a whisper) It-It cannot be!  
  
Megolas: (Getting upon her knees and speaking gratefully) Forgive me, Kendalf! I did not mean to shoot you!  
  
Kendalf: (In an irritable tone) Well, I should hope not! I come back to you guys, and this is how you greet me: shooting arrows and swords at me? I'd hate to be over at your houses when relatives come over!  
  
Brimli: (In a defensive tone) Hey! What goes on at my house during Thanksgiving is none of your concern, Kendalf!  
  
(Kendalf smiles at the group, as if to assure them that it really is he. Brimli is still shielding her eyes slightly-it is still rather bright)  
  
Brimli: (In an agitated voice) Okay! I know it's a remarkable thing, but ease up on the lighting, a little! Gees!  
  
(We hear the tech crew mutter their apologies and the lighting is turned down sufficiently. Megolas is still staring upon Kendalf as if transfixed)  
  
Megolas: (In a breathless voice) Forgive us, Kendalf-we thought you were Andraman.  
  
Kendalf: (With a small smile coming to his face) I am Andraman.  
  
Jimagorn: (Pulling out his sword valiantly) I knew it! Somebody get my battle hair gel! I need to look intimidating, yet rugged and sexy at the same time!  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily) NO! You do not fully comprehend my words!  
  
Brimli: (Irritably) Well, why shouldn't we? One minute, you say that you're Kendalf.the next, you say you're our biggest threat, Andraman! Don't tell me you've changed your name to Kendraman, or something, and you're the extremely old and most annoying one!  
  
Kendalf: (Giving an annoyed sigh) No, you twits! I was-(Darkly to Brimli) and I would just like to state it as unfair of your talks of Sestle, the old and most annoying one in the wizard's council! This is what I'm trying to say: (Clears his throat and speaks dramatically) I am Andraman, the older and most gorgeous one-or as he should have been.  
  
Brimli: (Nodding in understanding) Oh! That makes more sense.  
  
(For a while, the three look upon their old friend, who stands as an enigma to them all. Finally, Megolas stands up and decides to break the silence)  
  
Megolas: (In a small voice) Er-aren't you supposed to be dead?  
  
Kendalf: (Smiling upon the Elf) What would make you think such a thing, Megolas?  
  
Jimagorn: (Breathless and incredulous as he speaks) You-fell! I saw you! We all saw you!  
  
Kendalf: (We close in on his face as he explains) Yes-I did fall. I fell through fire and darkness.  
  
(We now go back to when Kendalf started fighting the Balrog on a mountaintop, using a flaming sword and staff. The Balrog is screeching hysterically as it tries to lunge at the wizard and finish him. We hear Kendalf explain to the others)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Dramatically) Upon the highest peak of the lowest dungeon of Moria, I fought the Balrog. I was meant to finish him-he was to be no more.  
  
(We see Kendalf shout as he deflects the blow of the Balrog's whip with his sword. The Balrog gives an almighty shout, but it gives Kendalf the advantage he's going to need. Kendalf lunges the sword into the Balrog's chest, and the creature gives a horrible shriek of pain. Finally spent and through, the Balrog totters off the edge of the mountain and lands with a hard thump in a snow bank, steaming and smoking-finally dead. We see the past Kendalf staring at the Balrog's body as if spellbound, looking horrible in his tattered robes and looking quite exhausted. The flame in his sword has finally gone out)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Dramatically) It was finished, the Balrog was no more. I-however-was not as stable.  
  
(We see the past Kendalf collapse immediately upon the mountaintop, his staff rolling away from him. We then get a good look at the past Kendalf's face, which is extremely weary and on the edge of death)  
  
Kendalf: (In a weary tone, almost crazy) Heh.heh.look at the pretty colors.  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Simply) Darkness enveloped me.  
  
(We then close in on Kendalf's eye, which turns into a strange universe of stars and bright light)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (In good detail) I flew through time and space, feeling the weight of death upon me as I flew. I knew I was through.  
  
(The universe suddenly fades out and we are looking at the face of the past Kendalf, whose eyes open and he starts gasping for air)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Seriously) But I thought wrong, apparently. Life was pushed back into me.  
  
Kendalf: (Through the coughs and gags) Damn.position.in.society!  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Dramatically) I have been sent back to earth.  
  
(We now see the present Kendalf, talking to Jimagorn, looking quite serious at the moment)  
  
Kendalf: (Finishing off the story with a glance to the side) until my duty has been fulfilled. (Under his breath) Damn duty calls!  
  
Jimagorn: (Still awestricken by this new development) Kendalf-?  
  
Kendalf: (Looking at the other in confusion) Kendalf? Kendalf? (Thinking about it for a while) I know that name.  
  
Brimli: (Rolling her eyes) Old people can never remember anything! I remember Malin would call me all the way from Moria just to ask me if I knew where his remote control was!  
  
(Megolas shushes the Dwarf, and Kendalf's face brightens as he remembers)  
  
Kendalf: (With a smile upon his face) That is what they used to call me: Kendalf, the old but extremely attractive. (Smile growing wider as he looks at Jimagorn) I am Kendalf, the older and most gorgeous one, now.  
  
(Jimagorn gives a great smile at this, pleased to have his friend back after all. Suddenly, Megolas voices something)  
  
Megolas: (In a tone of great wonderment) Kendalf-where did you get those white robes and staff?  
  
(Kendalf bites his lip as he remembers something. We see a flashback, occurring in Lórien. We see Woodelf#1 walking through the forest, whistling contently as he does so. Woodelf#1 is wearing the same robes that the present Kendalf wears, and even carries the same staff. Then, we see the past Kendalf-in his torn and tattered gray robes-jump behind Woodelf#1 and lob him over the head with his old wooden staff. Woodelf#1 collapses on the ground, out cold. Kendalf looks about to make sure nobody saw or heard, and drags Woodelf#1 quickly behind a bush. We now see the present Kendalf looking strangely shifty eyed as he surveys an intrigued Megolas)  
  
Kendalf: (In a quick tone) Found them. (Turns to Jimagorn and speaks in a serious tone) I come to you-at the turn of the time.  
  
(We now see Kendalf walking briskly in the Fangorn Forest, leading the company of three out of it and speaking briskly)  
  
Kendalf: (Seriously) One stage of your journey is over; another begins.  
  
Brimli: (In an exhausted voice from trying to keep up) Gees! It seemed like just yesterday when we were assigned to another stupid mission! How many missions are going to be involved in this thing?  
  
Megolas: (Darkly) I swear! Kendalf comes back after the whole company gets screwed up and he doesn't even ask about Mikomir!  
  
Kendalf: (In an offhand type of tone) Eh-I kind of expected him to die all along.  
  
(Everybody stares at the wizard, who appears as though he has said nothing. Jimagorn is shocked)  
  
Jimagorn: (Exasperatedly) Why didn't you tell us? If you knew that Mikomir was going to die, why didn't you tell us?  
  
Kendalf: (After a moment of considering it) Nobody told me that I was close to dying! It's a fair share, if you ask me!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a defensive tone) You knew you were going to die.  
  
(Kendalf turns around to survey an agitated looking Jimagorn, who is stroking himself upon the chest fondly. Kendalf scowls at the Man)  
  
Kendalf: (Agitated) You know what, Jimagorn, I'm getting tired of your lip! (In an important tone) Now, back to the situation at hand, we've got to act quickly. Andraman is preparing to take the Rohan.  
  
Jimagorn: (Horrified) What?  
  
Kendalf: (Seriously) Yes, Jimagorn, son of Jimathorn. We ride to Edoras, where we will be needed.  
  
Megolas: (Seriously, walking briskly besides the wizard) Yes-we did hear something of peril in Edoras from the Riders of Rohan.they said the king was acting rather strangely.  
  
Kendalf: (Grimly) It is more than the king behaving in an awry fashion, my Elven friend. Something is corrupt within the Golden Hall-we must ride to Edoras to expose and stop it.  
  
Brimli: (Angrily stopping) Excuse me, but aren't we forgetting the major reason why we're out in the Fangorn in the first place?  
  
(The three eye the Dwarf curiously for a while)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a shrug) To find a Pizza Hut?  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) No, you ninnies! The hobbits! Jessie and Rippin are still in this forest! We need to help them! Who knows what may happen to them if we are to leave them in the keep of these strange, awry, dangerous.  
  
(Brimli stops as she hears the trees around her crack and groan in protest. Quickly, Brimli looks about shifty-eyed)  
  
Brimli: (In a loud, nervous voice) I mean-charming, quite charming trees! I love the trees! See? (Moves to a large tree nearby) I've no beef with the trees!  
  
(The Dwarf pats the tree delicately, but it falls down within a few seconds. For a while the four simply stare at the fallen tree) Brimli: (In a rather angry tone) Well, damn.  
  
Kendalf: (In a reassuring tone) Do not fret, Brimli. The hobbits are in safe enough hands. In fact, I believe it best if we let them stay within the Fangorn.for something is about to happen that has not happened in a long time.  
  
Jimagorn: (In a happy, bright-eyed tone) Ooh! Are they opening the gates to Willy Wonka's factory?  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) You idiot, Jimagorn! Willy Wonka's factory is just a child fantasy from a book! It's not real!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a disappointed tone) I thought as much.  
  
Kendalf: (Continuing mysteriously) The trees are beginning to wake up-talk more frequently to one another. I believe that the coming of Jessie and Rippin will be like the throwing of small stones that starts an avalanche.  
  
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes) That bad, eh? Probably will be Rippin's fault!  
  
Jimagorn: (To Kendalf) One thing that has not changed about you, Kendalf, is that you like to speak in riddles! Have you been reading The Hobbit?  
  
Kendalf: (Rolling his eyes) Jimagorn, of course I haven't read The Hobbit! But-(Dropping his voice as he speaks to Jimagorn) you wouldn't know what is like little treasure chests, but no hinges, and has gold inside, would you? I read it recently, haven't gotten around to finish reading it, and it's killing me! (Clears his throat dramatically) Now, we must ride to Edoras!  
  
(We now see the small company emerge from the Fangorn Forest, and Kendalf whistles a sharp, but slightly gentle tune. Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli all shrug at one another, apparently confused. But seconds later, we see a beautiful white horse gallop towards Kendalf. Megolas, Brimli, & Jimagorn look at the approaching horse in amazement)  
  
Megolas: (In a small voice) One of the Wild Horses-unless my eyes are cheated by some spell!  
  
(We see the horse come a bit closer-and suddenly see it is actually a very ugly, gangly horse that is white, but flecked with dirt all over. It looks ancient; yet Kendalf still smiles at it with pride)  
  
Brimli: (In a small, logical tone) Yep-that's a spell, all right.  
  
Kendalf: (In a gentle tone) Yes, I have known this horse well. It is my beloved friend, Shadowfax. It may not be the prettiest horse you may find in these parts-you could say I won it from Radaghast the Brown in a bet on dog racing-but it has served me somewhat satisfactory throughout my years. (Pats the horse gently on the side, then addresses the other thee companions) Mount your horses-we leave immediately.  
  
(Jimagorn mounts his immediately, as does Megolas. As Brimli follows the Elf, she is mumbling darkly)  
  
Brimli: (Darkly) Wouldn't you know it? The wizard gets a horse and I have to ride with the Elf. How unfair!  
  
(We see Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli riding through the plains of Rohan, following Kendalf on Shadowfax, heading to Edoras. They leave behind the Fangorn Forest, ready to emerge into an entirely different mission altogether) 


	11. Scene Eleven: Life In the Forest

Scene Eleven  
  
(We now go back to the Fangorn Forest, where Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are grasping upon the branches of Big Nuts, who is walking in the forest with his slow strides and speaking in his slow, grinding voice)  
  
Big Nuts: (Quite friendly at the moment) I told Kendalf that I would watch over you, and that is exactly what I shall do. Kendalf used to visit my forest often, each time in a friendly gesture.  
  
Rippin Took: (In a simple tone) That's nice.  
  
Big Nuts: (Turning slightly serious) Mind you, little hobbits, that the other Ents of Fangorn Forest are not as friendly or trustworthy as I. Mark my words, little ones, they would so soon as destroy you before allowing you to speak.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a frightened tone) Are they dangerous?  
  
Big Nuts: (With a small laugh) Not at all, little one, but things change. Before, we would welcome anyone within these woods. But things have occurred to obstruct that generosity. Ever since Andraman started building his Orc armies, the Ents have lived in fear and distrust. The Ents trust those whom they wish to trust-and at the moment, they trust no one.  
  
Rippin Took: (In a simple tone) You trust us, don't you?  
  
Big Nuts: (After a small grumble) I trust Kendalf, and he trusts you. Though, I begin to wonder how so small a creature can do any real harm to any of us-you have no weapons after all.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a small laugh) I assure you, Big Nuts, you have nothing to worry about. We're perfectly trustworthy.  
  
Big Nuts: (Seriously) Let us hope so, little ones, for your sake.  
  
(Both hobbits look at one another curiously, but hold on while Big Nuts proceeds deeper into the forest. Then, suddenly, there comes another sets of booms-another sound of an Ent coming through the forest. Big Nuts stops immediately, and both hobbits look behind them)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a nervous whisper) What is that?  
  
Big Nuts: (After judging the strides) It is another Ent. Stay close, little ones. It is best not to speak to another Ent if you are of another race-they might get pissed off.  
  
(Big Nuts slowly turns around to face the approaching Ent, and Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took clasp the limbs and branches of their Ent protectively. Then, we see the Blonde Ent step out from the trees in front of them. She is a stupid thing, with her branches bent downward upon her head to represent hair, and they are the color of bright blonde. She steps with a stagger and talks like she has downs syndrome)  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily sighing) Ah, damn it!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a curious whisper) What is it?  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) 'Tis the dumbest creature you could ever encounter in these parts-perhaps even this world. It is the Blonde Ent.  
  
(The Blonde Ent catches sight of them and approaches Big Nuts with a stupid grin upon her face)  
  
Blonde Ent: (In her stupid tone, with a small wave) Hi, Big Balls!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a flat tone, obviously angry) It's Big Nuts!  
  
Rippin Took: (Rather giggly and speaking to Jessie Brandybuck) Ooh, and that's so much better!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck shushes her, and Rippin Took covers her mouth with her hand to stifle the laughs. The Blonde Ent is speaking to Big Nuts)  
  
Blonde Ent: (In her stupid tone) How's it going, sir? (Sees the hobbits and points) Who're they? Toys?  
  
Big Nuts: (Rolling his eyes in agitation) Yes, Blonde Ent. That's what they are: toys.  
  
Blonde Ent: (In a happy tone) Cool! Let me see!  
  
(Immediately, she snatches up Rippin Took, who gives a startled scream. The Blonde Ent fiddles with the squirming hobbit, turning her upside down and poking it often)  
  
Blonde Ent: (In stupid tone) Ooh! So life-like!  
  
Rippin Took: (Hysterically) LET ME GO, YOU NITWIT! LET ME GO!  
  
Blonde Ent: (Giving a start of surprise) And they talk too! Cool!  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) Blonde Ent, give her back to me! They're not for playing with!  
  
(Reluctantly, the Blonde Ent places a traumatized Rippin Took back on Big Nuts. The Blonde Ent crosses her tree-like arms and looks sulky at Big Nuts) Blonde Ent: (Sullenly) You always are so mean to me, Big Nuts! You always treat me like I'm some kind of an idiot!  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) That's because you ARE an idiot, Blonde Ent! Now, be gone from my sight!  
  
Blonde Ent: (In a sulky tone) Well-fine!  
  
(And with that, the Blonde Ent turns around and strides back into the trees from whence she came. Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took watch her go in shocked expressions, but Big Nuts looks very annoyed)  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily, as he turns about and starts walking again) I swear! Stupid Blonde Ent keeps me on tendrils all the time! And I'm not the only one complaining! The other Ents voices their opinions of her, as well!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a logical tone) Well-if you hate her and if everybody else hates her, why don't you just get rid of her?  
  
Rippin Took: (Encouraging the idea) Yeah, Big Nuts! You've got the power to do so, after all! Run her out of the Fangorn, dude!  
  
Big Nuts: (Speaking in a sad sigh, and shaking his head) I'm sorry, little ones, but that would be immoral. As much as we dislike her, we cannot banish her. There are very few Ents left these days-we need all the Ents we can get. Besides-she is the last Female Ent of her kind.  
  
Rippin Took: (Nodding) Ah.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Intrigued in the culture of the Ents) What happened to all the other Female Ents?  
  
Big Nuts: (Sorrowful) Alas, they were all killed in a horrible forest fire.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a sympathetic tone) Oh.  
  
Big Nuts: (In an angry tone) Started by the Blonde Ents.  
  
(We see the Ent and the hobbits walk further into the forest before hearing Big Nuts speak again)  
  
Voice of Big Nuts: (In a gentle voice) My home lies deep within the forest- probably about five miles south of the new Dairy Queen; I don't like to walk a long ways to get a Blizzard every now and then. It's under the many trees, within the heart of the very forest-where the oldest trees have laid their roots and claimed it as their home.  
  
(We get an overhead view of many parts of the thick Fangorn, looking absolutely stunning in the daylight)  
  
Voice of Big Nuts: It is here that I will keep you safe.where nobody will bother the serenity and peace of the forest. Do not fret, young hobbits- you will be all right.  
  
(We now see Big Nuts walking through the forest in the nighttime, Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took hanging onto his limbs. Rippin Took is already snoring, one hand dangling freely, her mouth open and sleeping in peace. But Jessie Brandybuck is simply nodding off, occasionally allowing a large yawn to escape now and then)  
  
Big Nuts: So long as I am here, no harm shall come to you. Do not fear the others of the forest, for they will not hurt you as long as I am around. I remember when I had to do a similar task for another wizard a fair years back; I was watching his dog. This dog was the cutest little thing, though the Ents were not at all pleased with its behavior. Of course, the dog found it necessary to urinate frequently upon the Ents, and this really disturbed them. So, to solve the problem, I got a big rock, and I-  
  
(Big Nuts stops as he realizes that both the hobbits are sleeping. He rolls his eyes in annoyance)  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) Dang it! That story always puts people to sleep! Oh well.(Places the hobbits delicately upon the ground) I'll work out a better introduction later. But right now.(Looks about the forest dramatically) I must wake up the rest of forest. Something strange is at work here-Kendalf made that very apparent. The Ents must figure out something very soon if we are to conquer this feat. Wait a moment! Who am I talking to? Gees! (Walks away in annoyance) Sometimes I think I'm getting way too crazy for my liking! Now, I should be able to catch many of the Ents at the local bar-it's happy hour, after all-'course, by the time I get there, it'll be tomorrow, but it's worth a shot.  
  
(We leave the Fangorn, and go to an uneasy Jimagorn, who is sitting at the base of a huge boulder, watching Kendalf look towards the distant, forbidding glow of Mordor. Jimagorn joins the wizard, and one look upon his face is apparent to the feelings he has inside of him that they are riding further and further away from the one who needs them most. Finally, Kendalf speaks)  
  
Kendalf: (In a simple voice) Mordor.the one area where our enemy always watches over us-one of the most dismal places ever created upon this Middle- Earth.  
  
Jimagorn: (Crossing his arms) I'll say. When I was a Ranger, I may not have had the greatest accommodations available to me, but I at least made sure that at least one vase was present within the area.  
  
(Kendalf raises an eyebrow at Jimagorn, who clears his throat awkwardly)  
  
Jimagorn: (Pressing to change the subject) So-now Jauron's watching us, eh? Kendalf: (Grimly) Unfortunately, it is apparent. (In a low tone to Jimagorn) But what is also apparent is his fear. He fears you, Jimagorn; he has gotten wind that the heir of Numenor is still alive. He is afraid of what you may become.  
  
Jimagorn: (Puffing out his chest with dignity) Yep-he needs to realize that I am the sexiest beast in all Middle-Earth.  
  
Kendalf: (Irritably) No, you fool! He's afraid that you'll become king!  
  
Jimagorn: (Nodding) Oh! I forgot about that!  
  
Kendalf: (Rolling his eyes) He fights to gain control of Gondor, but knows that he cannot take it while the heir is prancing about the place. Yet, in the light of his biggest fears, he forgets one major issue: (In a sly whisper to Jimagorn) the Movie stays hidden. While Jauron watches for the Heir of Robsildur, he forgets for but a few moments of his precious Movie. It is inching its way closer to Mordor-Lizzo Baggins' sense of pride and determination is strong; she will not back down so easily. She will not be so easy to submit. (With a shrug) And even if she is, at least she runs pretty fast.  
  
(Jimagorn merely nods, still thinking of many things floating in his mind, one nagging incessantly. The guilt that is mirrored faintly upon Jimagorn's face is enough to tell Kendalf everything)  
  
Kendalf: (In a reassuring tone to Jimagorn) You feel guilty in your decision of letting Lizzo go? Well, don't be. This is something that Lizzo has to do on her own-she cannot require your aid.  
  
Jimagorn: (After swallowing) She's not alone-Kram went with her.  
  
Kendalf: (Almost dropping his staff in shock) WHAT? KRAM GAMGEE WENT WITH THE MOVIE-BEARER TO MORDOR? AND YOU DID NOTHING TO STOP IT?  
  
Jimagorn: (Irritably) What else could I have done? They were well on the eastern shore by the time I figured it out!  
  
Kendalf: (Giving a great sigh of anger) Curse it! Kram Gamgee-one of the biggest bafoons I ever laid eyes upon-is now taking part in the most important thing in Middle-Earth! (With a shrug) Then again, I suppose it's not a total loss. Kram Gamgee is loyal to her friend-those loyalties may prove beneficial for Lizzo along the way. Besides, Kram needs the challenge-maybe she'll get into better shape. 


	12. Scene Twelve: The Black Gate Is Closed, ...

Scene Twelve  
  
(We now see Jenolum, climbing up a steep, rocky hill, with Lizzo Baggins shortly behind, and Kram Gamgee following. Lizzo Baggins slips slightly, but catches herself in time. The rocks below her tumble slightly and hit Kram Gamgee straight on the noggin. Kram Gamgee exclaims in pain)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Rubbing her head with one hand and supporting herself with the other) Dear Lord! (Angrily to Lizzo Baggins) Don't mean to be a bother, Lizzo, but I don't like being hit on the head with rocks, if you don't mind.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Sarcastically) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!  
  
(We now see Jenolum reach the end of her climb and crawl onto the top of the hill. The hilltop has many boulders strewn about, and she quickly squirms to one and peeks over. Her pale eyes widen in fear and shock, and she gestures violently to Lizzo Baggins, who is just getting over the hilltop)  
  
Jenolum: (Whispering fearfully and pointing) Look, little hobbits! The Black Gate of Mordor!  
  
(Both Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee join Jenolum behind the boulder and peer over it. They both gasp in fear. We see the Black Gate looming a short distance away, high and forbidding even to look upon. The sky is black and orange behind he gate, the evil and horror desperately trying to reach outward towards the world. Kram Gamgee & Lizzo Baggins stare at the gate in fear, mouths open and eyes wide)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a shocked tone) That's the Black Gate? I-I thought it would be different!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking at Kram Gamgee incredulously) What did you suspect, Kram? How else were we going to get into Mordor? Did you expect a simple tollbooth outside of it with a five-dollar entrance fee?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Glaring at Lizzo Baggins) No! I was thinking maybe ten dollars; prices are high in these parts of Middle-earth, after all! (Gives a low whistle as she looks at the Black Gate) My Gaffer would have a thing or two to say if he knew where we were. Mostly it would be, (Imitating an old, crackety man) "What the hell do you think you're doing there? Get your butts away from there or I's gonna give ya such a beatin', you'll never-!"  
  
Jenolum: (In a whimpering tone) Master tells us to lead them to the Black Gate, and we has done it! We didn't do anything else! We did as she had asked! She told us to lead her and her fat friend to the Black Gate!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small, forlorn voice) I did. (Looks at Jenolum and speaks in an offhand way) You wouldn't happen to know another way around, would you?  
  
(Before Jenolum can respond, Kram Gamgee exclaims as she sees and hears a large group of soldiers approaching the gates of Mordor. Suddenly, somebody from inside Mordor begins to shout out in the Black Speech of the land. The three companions cringe at the sound)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a horrified voice) Who the hell are they? (Pointing to the soldiers going to the Black Gate)  
  
Jenolum: (Horrified as well) Minions for the Master of Mordor! They goes in to do his work!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Her face pale from hearing the speech) What is that awful language they're speaking?  
  
Jenolum: (After swallowing) It is the Black Speech of Mordor, Master! It is poison to anyone who utters it, they say!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small voice) I wonder what they're saying?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Darkly) Probably something horrible.  
  
(We suddenly see the Gatekeeper of Mordor speaking in an intercom from behind the gate, and we see the translation on the bottom of the screen as he speaks)  
  
Gatekeeper of Mordor: (In a demanding voice) All members of the chess club need to report to the Black Tower this afternoon to compete in the Dark Derby! Also, anyone who owns a hot-pink Chevrolet needs to move it out of the parking lot-the members of the Orc Allegiance cannot get to their tool shed!  
  
(We go back to the hobbits and Jenolum, who are eying the gate with frightened looks upon their faces. Suddenly, there is a great creaking noise billowing from the gates)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a frightened voice) What's going on?  
  
Jenolum: (In disbelief) The Black Gate opens!  
  
(We go to the inside of the gates, where we see Cave Troll#1&2-one on the left and one on the right-bearing chains and ready to pull the gates open. When some of the Orcs give the signal, the cave trolls begin to pull on the chains, slowly beginning to inch the gate open. Suddenly, we hear the Gatekeeper of Mordor yell up at the scene)  
  
Gatekeeper of Mordor: (In a simple tone) Er-guys! We got new wiring installed two weeks ago! We don't need the cave trolls! (At this, Cave Trolls#1&2 look at the Orcs around them stupidly, scratching their heads. Then, they understand the situation and look very upset)  
  
Cave Troll#1: (In its stupid tone) No more work? No more pulling on the gates?  
  
Cave Troll#2: (In a tone growing in anger) We are being laid off, aren't we? No more work means no more job for us!  
  
Cave Troll#1: (Stomping up and down) Grr! Me hates lay-offs! Me hates them!  
  
Gatekeeper of Mordor: (In an annoyed tone) Relax! Nobody's getting laid off! You two trolls are down in the lobby-you're bus boys, now.  
  
Cave Troll#1: (Clapping its huge hands) Yeah! I've always wanted to wear one of those velvet vests!  
  
Cave Troll#2: (Logically) I can't wait to see how gentle I am around Chinaware!  
  
(With that, Cave Trolls#1&2 make their leave, allowing the Gatekeeper of Mordor to pull on the lever inside his box that controls the opening of the gates. And sure enough, we see the massive gate begin to inch open slowly. The soldiers approaching Mordor begin to file inside the Dark Land, listening to the announcements given by the Gatekeeper of Mordor in the Black Speech of Mordor. Kram Gamgee goes and lies flat upon a flat boulder, looking down at the hill, trying to see a way down)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a simple tone) Miss Lizzo, there's a way down!  
  
(Suddenly, the rock that Kram Gamgee is lying upon begins to totter dangerously. Lizzo Baggins looks at her friend and screams out in horror)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting out) KRAM, NO!  
  
(Too late. With a frightened and surprised shriek, Kram Gamgee falls down the hill with the boulder toppling from sight. We suddenly see Soldier of Mordor#1 look towards the hill, seeing some of the rocks tumbling suddenly. With a glare of suspicion, he departs the group to go investigate, with weapon in hand and accompanied by Soldier of Mordor#2. We see Lizzo Baggins dart down the hill, sliding upon the rocks carefully. She reaches the bottom and is horrified to find Kram Gamgee buried waist-high in gravel and rock. Kram Gamgee is trying in vain to get loose)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a quiet, horrified tone) Kram!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily, heaving and puffing as she tries to get loose) Miss Lizzo, this is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me! I'm going to be the laughing-stock of the Shire!  
  
(Suddenly, both hobbits stop doing everything as they hear the two Soldiers of Mordor approaching)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a quiet, angry tone) This situation just keeps getting worse and worse, doesn't it, Miss Lizzo?  
  
(Immediately, Lizzo Baggins tries to pull Kram Gamgee out from the rocks and gravel, but it's hopeless. Lizzo Baggins knows that there's no way she's going to pull Kram Gamgee out and get themselves out of there without being seen. Probably in a last resort, Lizzo Baggins draws herself on top of Kram Gamgee and pulls her cloak over them)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a sarcastic, bitter tone) Oh yeah! This'll work!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins shushes the other angrily, going perfectly still. We see Soldiers of Mordor#1&2 approach the scene and look about curiously. They are not aware that the boulder at their feet is actually two hobbits concealed cleverly by a cloak. They look about for a while)  
  
Soldier of Mordor#1: (Shrugging to Soldier of Mordor#2) Well, I guess it must've been my imagination. Let's get back to the group.  
  
Soldier of Mordor#2: (Suspiciously) Hold on-why don't we check some of these boulders, just to be sure?  
  
(We see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee gulp from under their hiding place, but we see Soldier of Mordor#1 shaking his head at the other)  
  
Soldier of Mordor#1: (In an unconcerned tone) Nah! I'm through with looking for things! We spent almost half a month looking for Mordor-I'm not looking under any boulders. Now come on. If we hurry into Mordor, I hear they got a really cool game of BINGO going on!  
  
Soldier of Mordor#2: (Excited) Ooh! I like BINGO!  
  
(With that, Soldiers of Mordor#1&2 leave the scene and join the group. After a few minutes, Lizzo Baggins pulls the cloak from their concealment and the hobbits breathe in and out with relief. It is then that Lizzo Baggins is able to heave Kram Gamgee out of the gravel and stone. They dash to a nearby boulder and hide behind it, glancing at the Black Gate)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a serious tone) I do not ask for you to come with me, Kram! In fact, it might be easier if you don't come-you might accidentally fall into Mount Doom.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Nodding in understanding) I know, Miss Lizzo! I know! We got off luckily, that time. (With a small laugh) But I don't think that these cloaks will be enough to protect us from what's in there. (Nods towards the Black Gate)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a firm tone) All right-now's our chance, Kram! On my word, we run into Mordor, okay?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Getting into a running position) Ready when you are, Lizzo!  
  
(Both hobbits contort their faces into looks of deep concentration as they prepare to dart into the Black Gate)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Quietly at first) Wait for it-wait for it.(Shouts out) NOW!  
  
(The hobbits make to dash through the gate, but Lizzo Baggins gives a gasp as she is pulled back by a screaming Jenolum. Kram Gamgee stops in her tracks and scolds at Jenolum)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a choked voice to Jenolum) Jenéagol! What the bloody-?  
  
Jenolum: (Desperately, screaming and shrieking) No, Master! No! Don't go in there!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Well, what'd you think we wanted to go the Black Gate for, Jenolum; to ogle and stare at it, maybe take a pretty picture?  
  
Jenolum: (Desperately) But, master, they catch you! They catch you! Please, don't go in there!  
  
(Kram Gamgee looks very angry at the moment, straightening the straps on her back in frustration, but Lizzo Baggins is staring at Jenolum intently, ready to listen to anything the creature has to say)  
  
Jenolum: (Sounding very frightened, occasionally glancing at the Black Gate) He wants the precious! Always-he is looking for it! You could say he has a strange, creepy hold to it! And the precious, wants to get back to him. (Glares at the prospect) But we must not let him have it! He mustn't get our precious! He mustn't! (Looking at Lizzo Baggins with a silent plea in her eyes) They wouldn't give it to him, would they?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Reassuringly) Of course not, Jenéagol! But I'm afraid I've no choice. (Looks at the Black Gate, which is slowly closing) Kram and I must go into Mordor and-and deal with the Movie there.  
  
(Kram Gamgee gives Lizzo Baggins a bemused stare, but the other merely gives her a warning glance. So far, Lizzo Baggins does not want to tell Jenolum her true intentions for the Movie. Jenolum is hissing to herself in concentration)  
  
Jenolum: (Brightly) There is another way, master! Another way into Mordor other than the Black Gate!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily grabbing Jenolum by the front of her tattered shirt) Why didn't you tell us about all this before? Why didn't you say this before we crossed the swamp? Why didn't you tell us this before we came to the Black Gate?  
  
Jenolum: (In a simple tone) They didn't ask us!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Ask you? ASK YOU? I'll ask you something-!  
  
(Kram Gamgee makes to start strangling the creature, but is held back by intent Lizzo Baggins)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (To Jenolum) There is another way to Mordor, Jenéagol?  
  
Jenolum: (Nodding and shaking off the grip of Kram Gamgee) A longer, less dangerous route-which doesn't use a gate! First there is a forest, and then there are some stairs-then there's a tunnel.  
  
(Jenolum begins to grasp at Lizzo Baggins' shirtfront, almost desperately trying to seek some guidance. Lizzo Baggins is looking at Kram Gamgee, who looks rather suspicious)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a low voice) Kram, we've got no other choice! Perhaps Jenéagol can-  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a hard tone) Miss Lizzo, I know what you're saying, and I think it's a bad idea! She's followed up her end of the bargain already! We'll just wait for the Black Gate to open again.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a frustrated tone as she looks at the Black Gate) That could take days, Kram! We don't have that much time! We just need- (Suddenly notices that Jenolum is grasping her shirt repeatedly. She scowls and gives a shout of anger as she pushes Jenolum away) Get off of me!  
  
Jenolum: (In a quiet tone) Sorry.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (To Jenolum) Are you sure of the route you speak of, Jenéagol? Can you swear by it?  
  
Jenolum: (Nodding slowly and hissing) Yes, master! Yes! Whatever they do, do not let them go through the Black Gate! They shall never come out alive!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Grasping Lizzo Baggins' shoulder firmly and looking very distrusting) Miss Lizzo, no! Don't trust her. Lizzo Baggins: (After a moment of thinking carefully) She's led us this far, Kram! We've no choice but to trust her.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a heated whisper) Have you forgotten that this is the same creature who tried to murder us in our sleep? Have you no idea that this is the one creature who actually wants what you are trying to-(Looks over to be sure that Jenolum is distracted and finishes with a whisper) destroy?  
  
(At that moment, the Black Gate closes with an ominous thud, spreading an echo to be heard throughout the land. The three companions stare at the gate for a long time, trying to comprehend the situation at hand. Apparently, it is more difficult than many perceived)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a grim smile upon her face) Well, there's no real hope of getting in this way, either. (Looks at Jenolum) Okay, Jenéagol, go ahead and lead us through another way.  
  
(Obviously in better spirits, Jenolum darts away from the hill and away from the Black Gate. Lizzo Baggins begins to follow, and Kram Gamgee is mumbling rather angrily. Then we go to a change in scenes and see Jessie Brandybuck wake up on the ground of the Fangorn Forest, where Big Nuts placed them last. The hobbit looks about curiously, taking in everything- or trying to remember everything that had happened previously. Rippin Took is sitting by a pool nearby, sipping from a huge bowl of water in a lazy manner-apparently, she doesn't seem to care where they are at the moment. Jessie Brandybuck still looks about the area)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a loud voice) Big Nuts? Big Nuts? Are you there, Big Nuts? (In a quiet voice to herself) Now, where's he gone?  
  
Rippin Took: (In a delighted tone) I had the loveliest dream last night! You and I found this big barrel of Old Toby, and we smoked the whole thing! But-then you got really sick, and then we realized that it was actually pencil shavings. Then, you started going into painful convulsions and thought everything around you turned into a mushroom. Then, you turned into a duck-and I ate you. It was a nice dream!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck stares at Rippin Took with wide eyes. Rippin Took leans back with a content sigh)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a worry-free tone) What I wouldn't give for a whiff of Old Toby, right now.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a small laugh) Rippin, from what I've just recently heard, I think the last thing you need is a whiff of Old Toby. (Still looking about the forest) Now-where's Big Nuts gone-?  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck stops speaking as she hears a strange, nearby grinding and groaning. She looks about in a worried fashion-certainly not used to this. Rippin Took stands up slowly, meaning to go to the base of a tree to relax)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a quiet tone) Now-what in the name of Bill Gates was that? (After listening for a while) The trees-it's the trees talking.  
  
(We see Rippin Took suddenly grunt something that sounds strangely like the tree-language. Jessie Brandybuck stares at her friend)  
  
Rippin Took: (Punching herself lightly in the chest) Sorry-something in the water, you know.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Carelessly) Oh.(Suddenly realizes something and stares at Rippin Took with wide eyes) Hey! Wait a moment!  
  
Rippin Took: (Raising an eyebrow at Jessie Brandybuck) What?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a quiet, disbelieving tone) You just said something.treeish!  
  
Rippin Took: (Indignantly) No I didn't!  
  
(Rippin Took suddenly puffs up and grunts something in the tree language again; she looks about curiously, but merely goes back to sipping the water again. Then, Jessie Brandybuck notices something about Rippin Took that makes her eyes widen)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a shocked tone) You're taller!  
  
Rippin Took: (With a scowl) What?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Still in the shocked voice) Rippin, you're taller than me; by about a fair inch, I'd say!  
  
Rippin Took: (Judging the height of them both with her hand) Oh.you're right! Wow! (Looking down at the ground with pride) I haven't been this tall since I wore my dad's high heels to the school play!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With wide eyes) Your dad's high heels?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a shrug) He collects them-keeps them locked up-and wears them on special occasions. (Walking about the area as if a giant would) Fee-fi-foe-fum! All the small creatures below me fear Rippin, the extremely tall hobbit!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Crossing her arms and rolling her eyes) Rippin, it's only by a fair inch!  
  
Rippin Took: (In an excited tone) Yes, currently! But if I keep this pace going, I'll be pushing three foot seven! (Grunts in treeish again) Then again, three foot eight! This is so cool! I knew that coming on this trip was worth something!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a bemused whisper) But how? How is it possible-? (Suddenly sees the water that Rippin Took is drinking) That's it!  
  
Rippin Took: (Bemused) What's it?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Her face working into a smile) The water! It's in the water, isn't it?  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking shifty-eyed) Er-I don't know.but maybe you shouldn't drink any; just in case.  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck snatches the water away from Rippin Took in one movement, and begins to quaff the drink as if she hasn't had anything to drink for days. Rippin Took looks very down-trodden)  
  
Rippin Took: (Reaching for the water) No! Jessie, knock it off!  
  
(But Jessie Brandybuck simply dashes away, pursued by an irritable Rippin Took. The hobbits begin to squabble over the water)  
  
Rippin Took: (Trying to wrench the bowl from her friend's grasp) No! Big Nuts said you shouldn't have any!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily trying to pull the bowl back) Liar! You had some!  
  
Rippin Took: (Desperately trying to pull the water back) Jessie, don't! Give it back-so I can drink some!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) Get your own!  
  
Rippin Took: (Irritably) I did have my own, but you stole it!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) Go to hell!  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily) Bite me!  
  
(The hobbits squabble over the water for a fair few minute, before Rippin Took pulls on the bowl so violently that it flies from her grasp and shatters upon the forest floor. The hobbits stare at the remnants of the precious water, slowly sinking into the soil)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Shoving at Rippin Took) Nice going, nimrod! You lost the water!  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily shoving back) Me? If you hadn't been such a sod and took my water-!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily smacking her friend on the shoulder) Don't shove me!  
  
Rippin Took: (Smacking her friend over the head) Don't hit me!  
  
(With a great shout, both hobbits are engaged in a horrible fight. They roll on the ground, smacking and sometimes punching one another. Then, they roll at the base of a huge willow and stop fighting as they hear something-the grinding and groaning closer than before. Slowly, both the hobbits crawl away from one another, still wondering where the sound is coming from. Then, both hobbits scream as the roots of the willow squirm over them, trying to pin them down with its weight. Frantically, the hobbits try to get away, but the tree's weight is staggering, bringing them down. Finally, the tree's roots have covered them completely, causing both the hobbits to scream muffled cries of help to anybody who will listen. Then, we see Big Nuts enter the scene, speaking to the willow)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a reassuring voice) Away with you, willow-you are not meant to awaken now. Drink up the water and grow mighty tall-don't start killing people just yet.  
  
(And with that, the willow lets loose its roots and Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck scramble away from the tree, panting and breathing in and out with horrible fear)  
  
Rippin Took: (Grasping onto Big Nuts' huge leg in fear) That tree tried to eat us!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Also grabbing onto one of Big Nuts' legs) What kind of a forest is this?  
  
Big Nuts: (In a serious tone as he picks up both hobbits and places them on his limbs) A cautious one, little hobbits. They do not take kindly to strangers-as I have told you before. Perhaps next time, you will be more cautious, eh?  
  
(And with that, Big Nuts disappears into the forest, both of the hobbits grabbing on and eager not to go back) 


	13. Scene Thirteen: King of Golden Hall

Scene Thirteen  
  
(We go back to see Megolas, Brimli, & Jimagorn riding behind Kendalf and his steed towards Edoras. They stop at the top of a hill overlooking the great city in the distance. For a while, the four companions stare at the city. Kendalf is wearing gray robes. Then, Kendalf speaks in a solemn tone)  
  
Kendalf: There is Edoras, home of Kevoden, King of the Golden Hall.  
  
(We see the horribly aged King Kevoden sitting on his throne in the Golden Hall, Erynwyn at his feet and stroking his hand)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: .whose mind is not his own, during these times.  
  
Erynwyn: (In a very sad tone) My Lord, your son.he is dead. (She looks into her uncle's face, trying to decipher any emotion from him) My Lord, will you not go to him?  
  
(King Kevoden appears to not have heard, even though he is staring right in Erynwyn's face. Erynwyn looks very desperate for reprieve of the situation)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a desperate voice) My Lord? Do you not recognize me? Oh, come on, uncle! It's me, Erynwyn; your niece-sister of the whiny one? My Lord-?  
  
(Erynwyn stops speaking as she sees King Kevoden look upon her. But it is not the usual look of age and confusion-it is a small look of sudden recognition. Erynwyn smiles in joy at this new look)  
  
Erynwyn: (In an encouraging tone) Yes, uncle! You know my name! Speak my name and let my troubles rest for but a moment!  
  
(King Kevoden looks at Erynwyn for a very long time, then flashes a small smile, and then-)  
  
King Kevoden: (In a sickening groan) ERRRRGGGGGGHHHHHAAAAAA!  
  
Erynwyn: (Releasing her uncle's hand and standing up in anger) Oh, damn it!  
  
(Now we see Erynwyn kneeling to the bedside of the dead Jaredred. Erynwyn is in tears, not even bothering to wipe the them from her face, allowing all her emotion to pour out of her in this moment of sorrow-not just for her cousin's death, either. Then, from out of the corner of the entranceway, we see a familiar figure lurk-it is Nrima Wormfeces. Obviously surprised at the maiden's appearance, he masks it over with a façade of grief, slowly walking towards Erynwyn's side as he speaks)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a forced grieving tone) Oh-he must have died some time in the night. (In a quick tone) Uh-he is dead, right? Erynwyn: (After sniffling, she replies rather coldly) Yes.  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces lets out a quiet sigh of relief, and we see him shove a small bottle clearly marked, "Deadly Poison!" further into his black robes. Placing his saddened look upon his pointed face, he leers nearer to the side of Erynwyn)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a very icy tone) What a heart break it must be to the king, to loose his only son and heir. (Sitting upon the bed at the deceased's feet and looking delicately at Erynwyn) I understand that his passing is hard to accept. What with your uncle in a very-er-ill state, (Shudders at the revulsion of it all) and with your brother just deserting you.you must feel awful. (Puts a comforting hand upon the maiden's shoulder) You want my card for my therapist?  
  
(Although Nrima Wormfeces is trying his best to be comforting, Erynwyn sees past it immediately. She flinches at the other's touch as if she were being touched with ice, and draws away from him)  
  
Erynwyn: (Standing up and choking on her tears) Leave me alone, snake!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (With a menacing smile upon his face) But you are alone. You've been alone for the past few days, Erynwyn.  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces gets up and begins to pace around Erynwyn. Erynwyn does nothing to stop him, but she looks revolted)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In the same menacing tone) Who knows what you cry out in the darkness when your life seems to shrink. Who knows whom you would turn to for council during your dark hours of your small life. (Looks at Erynwyn and stops pacing) So beautiful, yet so cold.(Touches her face and a small smile flicks across his face) like a flower blooming in early spring, still clinging to winter's chill.  
  
(Erynwyn closes her eyes against the other's touch, trying to calm herself, but letting the tears fall. Nrima Wormfeces is staring at her, as if expecting recognition. Finally, Erynwyn realizes that something is awry; she snaps her eyes open and glares at the other)  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) Your words-are poison!  
  
(And with that, Erynwyn runs from the room, leaving Nrima Wormfeces standing alone. He swells up in dignity and draws his black robes tighter about his frame)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a dignified voice, speaking towards the doorframe) I'll have you know that the Poet's Council of Rohan believed my poetry to be quite nice, you little brat! If I had sent in the nine hundred dollar deposit, I would've gotten some of my work published; I'll have you know!  
  
(We see Erynwyn run from the Golden Hall, ignoring the two guards posted at the entrance. Erynwyn goes to the edge and looks into the distance, the wind billowing. She cries no more tears-she is desperately lost at the moment, perhaps finding solace in the fact that her brother may come back. Then, she sees four figures riding towards the town: Kendalf, Megolas, Brimli, & Jimagorn. Erynwyn watches them for a moment, perturbed by this strange predicament. Then, we see the flag of Edoras fly from its pole with a rip. Erynwyn watches it go, as if watching her hopes flying away from her-what has become of her home? We follow the flag's flight towards the other side of the Main Gate leading into Edoras. It falls to the ground, and Jimagorn sees it. His face pulls into a look of dismay, and he makes a cross pattern across his chest, tears of pride building in his eyes)  
  
Jimagorn: (Softly singing in the tune of the Canadian National Anthem, as he holds back the tears) Oh, Edoras-our home inside Rohan! Where Men can grope themselves-and feel more like a Man! (Touches himself fondly on the chest)  
  
(Jimagorn stops singing as he hears Kendalf speaking to them)  
  
Kendalf: (In a warning voice) Choose your words carefully-words of greeting are not so welcome here.  
  
Megolas: (Bemused) But-if words of greeting are not welcome, then how do they greet one another these days?  
  
Kendalf: (Simply) They don't. (Looks at Megolas) Yeah-they're kind of rude. (Looks to the town) I can only hope that I am not too late.  
  
Brimli: (Whispering to Megolas) Maybe we would've been earlier if somebody hadn't stopped to change his robes! (Nods towards Kendalf)  
  
(Kendalf leads the way into the city. Nobody says anything as they dismount and leave their horses to the gatekeepers. Although nobody in the town is saying anything or doing anything, Jimagorn puts a hand upon his sword's hilt-the town presents a strange aura of discomfort as the four strangers make their way through the town. Many of the citizens are staring blankly at the passing company. Nobody is speaking to anyone-no child is playing in the streets. Brimli gives a snort of discomfort)  
  
Brimli: (Grumpily) You'd find more action at my Aunt Tanya's BINGO parties.  
  
(We see Jimagorn look up towards the Golden hall and his eyes widen as he spots Erynwyn standing on the edge looking at him. An abrupt CRASH! causes Jimagorn to look backwards with the rest of the small company. We see Citizen of Edoras#1 standing next to a broken cart; its wheel recently became disconnected from the rest of the wagon and now it's lopsided. He stands next to the cart with a blank expression on his face. Megolas looks uneasy as she speaks to Kendalf)  
  
Megolas: (Nervously) Kendalf, I don't know what you plan to do, but could you do it quickly so that we could just get the hell out of here? This place reminds me of the mental asylum in Rivendell!  
  
(Kendalf nods in understanding, and we see Jimagorn look towards the Golden Hall again. His eyes widen as he sees that Erynwyn is gone. We follow the company approaching the Golden Hall slowly and cautiously. At this time, many of the citizens have stopped in their tracks to watch the scene. No less than thirty seconds after the four have placed their feet upon the landing of the stairs, the great doors to the hall open wide and Edoras Guards#3-5 approach them. Kendalf gives a small shout of recognition and chances a small smile to present a pleasant attitude-though, we see him grip his staff tighter)  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (In a bored, careless voice-almost like he's lost his passion for this thing) We cannot let you enter the Golden Hall so heavily armed, Kendalf, the old but extremely attractive-(With a small shrug of apology) by orders of Nrima Wormfeces.  
  
(Brimli, Megolas, & Jimagorn look rather suspicious and cautious at the prospect of leaving their weapons behind before dealing with the King of Edoras, but Kendalf catches their eyes and gives a very small nod. Jimagorn is the first to hand the guards his broadsword. Megolas & Brimli follow suit. Megolas hands the guards her weapons with a fine twirl-very artistic for distributing weapons)  
  
Edoras Guard#4: (Pointedly to the Elf) You know-you don't have to twirl every weapon you give us.  
  
Megolas: (With a shrug) I know-(Takes out the last two arrows from her quiver, twirls them like batons in her hands, then hands them to the guard with a small smile) but it's better this way.  
  
Brimli: (With a raised eyebrow) Is that what makes Elves feel sexier- twirling their weapons around?  
  
Megolas: (Looking at the Dwarf and laughing) Of course not! The Elves are taught only the best ways to take out their weapons-it is for mere show.  
  
Brimli: (Impatiently) So-what makes Elves feel sexier?  
  
(Megolas opens her mouth to answer, but stops as Edoras Guard#3 speaks to Kendalf)  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (Pointedly) Your staff, Kendalf. (Extends hand to take it)  
  
Kendalf: (Looking rather forlorn and grasping the staff tighter) You wouldn't part an old man from his walking stick, would you?  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (In a rather blank tone) Actually, yes. (With a quick movement, Edoras Guard#3 swipes the staff out of the Kendalf's grip. Kendalf gives a sharp cry as he crumples to the ground, looking totally crippled without the staff. Megolas, Brimli, & Jimagorn give a gasp of shock as they look upon their fallen wizard)  
  
Megolas: (Anxiously) Kendalf! Are you all right?  
  
Jimagorn: (Running to the wizard's side and glaring at the guards) What kind of person do you think you are, sir?  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (Obviously highly embarrassed) I'm-I'm sorry, sir! But I just assumed that he was-I mean, hearing what I have heard-that he was faking it.  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) What the devil would make you think that an old man would fake his own disfigurement?  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting at the guards) Honestly, what kind of a town is this? Does this happen often? Do the Men of Edoras steal the walking staffs of the old, causing them to crawl on the ground like the worms that will eat at them in death? What else do you do? Steal candy from defenseless children?  
  
(We see the crowd gathered at the foot of the stairs watching the scene with wide eyes. We see Child of Edoras#1 standing among the crowd, mouth open as he stares at the scene-he is unaware that Edoras Guard#6 is sneaking behind him and seeking to take the huge lollipop that the child grasps. At Jimagorn's statement, Edoras Guard#6 looks up towards the Golden Hall and looks about awkwardly to be sure nobody noticed)  
  
Edoras Guard#6: (Shouting, so as not to draw suspicion) Uh-Yeah! Who would do such a thing? (When everybody averts their attention from him, he hunches to take the candy from Child of Edoras#1)  
  
(We go back to the scene at the landing of the Golden Hall. The guards look rather embarrassed, and Megolas, Brimli, & Jimagorn are quite angry at the moment. Kendalf is still upon the ground, looking like he has never walked properly in all his life)  
  
Jimagorn: (Still shouting at Edoras Guard#3) I'm asking you, good sir, when does it end? I don't care who makes the laws in there (Angrily points towards the Golden Hall) but out here, the laws of a good citizen need to be abided-you don't just take somebody's walking stick from 'em!  
  
Kendalf: (In a feeble, helpless tone as he grasps to Jimagorn's pant leg) No! Do not trouble yourself with this, Jimagorn! I'll just-crawl to King Kevoden if I have to. (Makes to do such a thing)  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) Oh-this is stupid! (To the guards) Just give him the damn walking stick! I'm pretty sure he's not going to perform a terrorism act with it any time soon! Edoras Guard#3: (Slowly extending the staff) I'm sorry, old man, I had no idea-I was only acting on orders.  
  
Jimagorn: (Pointedly) Yeah-well your orders suck!  
  
(Megolas helps Kendalf to his feet, who lets a very small smile pass between the two. As Brimli dashes to the wizard's other side, Kendalf also smiles briefly at the Dwarf, who returns it quickly. Jimagorn takes the staff from the guard, and hands it to Kendalf, who also gives the Man a small smile. The guards have no idea that they have been the fools of a very convincing act to get into the Golden Hall with the staff. Well, except for one. As the four move into the hall, we see Edoras Guard#3 give a small, cunning smile to Kendalf, who passes a small-very indistinguishable-wink towards the guard. As Jimagorn follows, he also winks, though it's very obvious-and if the wink didn't betray him, the nudge he presents the guard will. Suddenly, we see Nrima Wormfeces kneeling by the side of the old King Kevoden. Nrima Wormfeces looks at the door with a small glare-he realizes who's coming)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Quickly whispering to the king) Kendalf, the old but extremely attractive, approaches, my lord.  
  
(We see the doors to the throne room open and Kendalf leads Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli into the hall; each of them looks cautious and suspicious. Kendalf hides his anger as he approaches the king slowly. We see Edoras Guards#3-5 recede into the shadows obediently. Nrima Wormfeces whispers the king more urgently)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: Be careful of his words, my lord.  
  
Kendalf: (Rather loudly and sarcastically) The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Kevoden King!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a defensive whisper to the king) My lord! He insults your lessons on courtesy to the guards! He is both rude and dangerous! He is not welcome!  
  
King Kevoden: (In a very slow, feeble voice) Why-should I-welcome you- Kendalf-Scarecrow?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Frowns at this and quickly corrects the master) "Stormcrow", sir.  
  
King Kevoden: (Slowly, very disoriented) Stormcrow.  
  
(We see Kendalf keep walking towards the king, the other three companions behind him. We see Megolas glance to the side, where she sees that Edoras Guards #1, 2, 7, 8, & 9 are following them, each one looking more unpleasant than the next. Megolas softly nudges Jimagorn on the shoulder. When Jimagorn looks at her, Megolas softly nods towards the guards. Jimagorn glares and tries to nudge Brimli on the shoulder-but considering she's so short, he nudges her helmet and causes it to go askew. Cursing, Brimli straightens it out)  
  
Jimagorn: (Embarrassed) Sorry, Brimli.  
  
(We go back to Nrima Wormfeces, who is whispering to his king)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a slick tone) A just question, my liege. (Stands up to speak to Kendalf, drawing up and showing importance) Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear! How strange that you come today of all days, Kendalf-when rumors of a wizard allowing Orcs to patrol the Rohan are flying about like flies around a piece of meat. Be assured, Kendalf- (Smiles evilly at the wizard) your presence is not invited-which is really rude, by the way! Just barge into somebody's hall, uninvited and-!  
  
Kendalf: (Bitterly interrupting him) Ah, shut up, Wormfeces! I'm getting sick of your crap! You look like a turd with a rat-nose!  
  
Jimagorn: (Laughing stupidly, forgetting his troubles for a moment) Heh, heh! "Turd with a rat-nose".that's great!  
  
Kendalf: (Ignoring Jimagorn and speaking to Nrima Wormfeces) Do us all a favor, Wormfeces, and keep your forked tongue behind your teeth!  
  
(Kendalf brandishes his staff threateningly towards Nrima Wormfeces, whose eyes go wide in fear at the staff)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Breathlessly, stumbling slightly in fear) The staff! (Towards Edoras Guards #1, 2, 7, 8, & 9) I told you to take the wizard's staff! What the hell do you not get about that!  
  
Edoras Guard#7: (Logically) I think it's the staff part-it's rather confusing if you-  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Irritably) Just get them! Seize them, you fools!  
  
(Edoras Guards#1, 2, 7, 8, & 9 move in to apprehend the strangers, but Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli begin to fight them off viciously-just because they have no weapons, it doesn't mean they can't fight. They use their fists and their legs to keep the guards at bay. Edoras Guard#4 moves to join the fray, but Edoras Guard#3 stops him)  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (In a quiet tone) Not so fast.  
  
Edoras Guard#4: (Shocked) Sir-Nrima Wormfeces said to-!  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (Keeping the other back) No, no, no-wait for a moment. I want to get fired.  
  
(We go back to the fray developing between the three companions and the guards. The big purpose is identified quickly-Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli are keeping the distractions from Kendalf, who is approaching King Kevoden slowly and speaking loudly)  
  
Kendalf: (In a loud voice) Kevoden, too long have you lingered in the shadows.  
  
(We see Nrima Wormfeces growl behind his teeth and make towards the wizard, but Brimli whips off her helmet and throws it right at the other's head. Disoriented, Nrima Wormfeces falls to the ground. After shaking his head, he makes to get up, but Brimli has already gotten there. She places her booted foot upon the other's chest to still him)  
  
Brimli: (In a warning tone) I would stay put, if I were you!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Angrily) You stupid, ground-dwelling Dwarf! Filth of the lands and-!  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces stops as Brimli moves her foot from the chest to the throat of the other. Nrima Wormfeces starts to gag as he chokes; Brimli looks rather pleased. Megolas catches the scene and nods)  
  
Megolas: (Impressed) Not too shabby, Brimli!  
  
Brimli: (In the same impressed tone) Yeah-I knew I'd have a use for these!  
  
(We go back to Kendalf approaching King Kevoden. The king realizes that something is awry with the situation, and he becomes hostile towards the wizard)  
  
King Kevoden: (In a feeble, angry tone) Get out of here, Kendalf! You are making a mockery of my hall!  
  
Kendalf: (Rather shocked) Now, what would make you think such a thing?  
  
(We see Jimagorn, yelling hysterically, and chasing Edoras Guard#8 with a chair, run behind Kendalf. Kendalf chooses to ignore this and keeps moving towards King Kevoden; the wizard is quite close to the king)  
  
Kendalf: (In a loud tone) Hearken to me!  
  
(King Kevoden looks at the wizard, suddenly looking rather bemused and frightened. For a moment, everything goes still as people stop to witness the scene. Kendalf closes his eyes in concentration)  
  
Kendalf: (In a soft voice) I release you.(Waves a hand towards King Kevoden artistically) from your spell.  
  
(There is a moment of silence.then, King Kevoden begins to laugh rather maliciously. Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli exchange nervous looks towards each other)  
  
Jimagorn: (Towards Megolas) Uh-help me out here, Megolas-what's so funny about this?  
  
Megolas: There's nothing funny about this-(Looks back at the king and the wizard) nothing funny at all.  
  
(Back at Kendalf & King Kevoden; Kendalf looks rather shocked that his spells hasn't worked, and King Kevoden is laughing still)  
  
King Kevoden: (Evilly, between his laughs) You have no power here, Kendalf the old but extremely attractive!  
  
(Kendalf gives the other a bold stare; then, we see him shed his gray robes to reveal-he's wearing his boxers. King Kevoden cries out in revulsion and shields his eyes. Instantly, Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli explode in laughter. Kendalf looks down and gives a shout of surprise as he realizes what has happened)  
  
Kendalf: (Shocked) What the HELL?  
  
King Kevoden: (Shielding his eyes) Aagh! It burns my eyes! Kendalf-this is the third age-I don't float that boat! Dear Lord!  
  
Kendalf: (Sharply turning back to Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli) Why didn't anybody TELL ME I wasn't wearing anything under these?  
  
Jimagorn: (Through his laughs) We all thought it was funny!  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily) IT'S NOT FUNNY, DAMN IT! Give me my white robes, you dorks!  
  
(Still laughing, Megolas tosses Kendalf his white robes. Once he catches them, Kendalf puts them on-mumbling grumpily all the while. Once the robes are on, he turns back to King Kevoden, stretches out his arms. King Kevoden draws back into his throne as if possessed-the power of Kendalf's power is overwhelming him. We see Erynwyn enter the Golden hall, take one look towards her uncle, and run over towards the scene. But Jimagorn grasps her about the waist to stop her)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a simple tone to the maiden) Wait for a moment. (Takes a good look at Erynwyn, and smiles) Hey! You're hot! Wanna get a cup of coffee some time?  
  
Megolas: (Incredulously) Jimagorn! Haven't you forgotten something?  
  
Jimagorn: (Bemused) What? (Looks towards his chest, spots the Evenstar pendent upon his chest, and lifts it towards his vision) Oh yeah. (We see King Kevoden look towards Kendalf maliciously-it is not the same king who is speaking)  
  
King Kevoden: (Very evilly) If I go-Kevoden dies!  
  
(Kendalf answers this with a sharp movement of his staff, causing King Kevoden to draw back further in his chair)  
  
Kendalf: (Matter-of-factly) You did not kill me-you will not kill him!  
  
(King Kevoden leans back further-fighting the inner demon within him viciously. Then, he leans forward, glaring at the wizard evilly as he utters his warning)  
  
King Kevoden: (Firmly) Rohan-is mine!  
  
(Kendalf makes a swift movement with his staff, and we suddenly see Andraman in Isengard fly across his room. After a while, Andraman gets up and looks towards the Palantir)  
  
Andraman: (In a weak voice) I-should probably-decrease my-hours with-that thing. (Faints in exhaustion)  
  
(Back at Edoras, King Kevoden is now himself. He leans forward abruptly, threatening to fall off his throne. Erynwyn gives a sigh of dismay and rushes to catch her uncle before he falls)  
  
Erynwyn: (Soothingly) It's all right, uncle! I've got you!  
  
(With a small thump, King Kevoden falls face-first upon the ground. Overlooking this, Erynwyn lifts up her uncle in a sitting position, looking into his face with growing concern-then, her face goes into great surprise. We see King Kevoden's face go from a very haggard and ugly appearance to a middle aged, healthy look; he also looks more alert of his surroundings, taking in the Golden Hall intently. The guards look rather surprised, completely forgetting their previous brawl and gazing upon the new king. King Kevoden looks at Erynwyn's shocked face)  
  
King Kevoden: (In a simple tone) I-know your face.I've seen it often.  
  
(Erynwyn smile fondly-so her uncle indeed remembers her!)  
  
King Kevoden: (Shocked, reaching up to touch his niece's face) Is that you- Billy Holiday?  
  
Erynwyn: (Blinks at her uncle for a moment, and clears her throat awkwardly) Uh-no, uncle. It is I-Erynwyn, your niece.  
  
King Kevoden: (Nodding quickly and acting defensive) I know-I know! I was just going to say that! If you hadn't been so rude, you would have heard me say your name, Erica!  
  
Erynwyn: (Kindly) Erynwyn, my lord.  
  
King Kevoden: (Irritably) Don't you start contradicting me, young lady! I know my own relatives! Erynwyn, don't you start giving me the sass mouth or I'll give you a wallop! (Points to Jimagorn) Whoever the hell you are, go outside and break me a switch! There's gonna be a spankin' goin' on here!  
  
Jimagorn: (Eyes light up in glee and makes to leave) Yes sir!  
  
(Megolas grasps Jimagorn's arm and glares at him; she is giving him that, "Don't even think about it, pal!" kind of look. Jimagorn looks rather disappointed, but he averts his attention back to Erynwyn and King Kevoden)  
  
Erynwyn: (Patting her uncle's hand in recognition) It is you, uncle! (Embraces the king) You do remember your bitterness towards your kin!  
  
(King Kevoden accepts the embrace without complaint; in his heart, he is glad that somebody cares. He looks about the Golden Hall and his eyes finally fall upon Kendalf, who is smiling in satisfaction)  
  
Kendalf: (In a gentle voice) Breathe the free air again, King Kevoden.  
  
Brimli: (Immediately) Uh, wait! (Pulls out an aerosol can of room deodorizer, sprays about the room for a few seconds, puts the cap back on, and places it back in her pocket) Okay, now breathe the free air again, your highness.  
  
(Choosing to ignore this little scene, King Kevoden raises himself from his throne and looks about the hall contently. We see many smiles flash upon the faces of the guards, especially Edoras Guard#3. King Kevoden then looks at his hand, slowly flexing his fingers-he looks like he hasn't used them in a while)  
  
Kendalf: (Proudly) Your fingers would remember their strength if they clasped your old sword.  
  
King Kevoden: (Still looking at his hands) No.no.that's not it. I really need to trim my nails-look how long they've gotten? Where's my manicurist?  
  
Kendalf: (Irritably) Look, will you just grab your sword and reclaim your throne, already? I did not come all the way to Golden Hall and accidentally show you my under garments for nothing, okay?  
  
(Megolas, Jimagorn, & Brimli break out in silent giggles. Kendalf scolds at them) Kendalf: (Angrily to the three) Oh, shut up!  
  
(We see Edoras Guard#4 come towards King Kevoden, clasping the king's sword within it's sheath. Firmly, King Kevoden grasps the hilt of the sword, and slowly draws out the sword. Once it is out of the sheath, King Kevoden studies its magnificence-the brilliantly polished, steel blade; the great size of the blade; the hilt representing the mark of Edoras: two horses joined at the nose-two horse joined at the nose? King Kevoden's eyes fall upon the hilt and he frowns deeply)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) Hey! What is this? Whose idea was it to make this hilt? What am I-the king of "My Little Pony" land?  
  
Edoras Guard#4: (Furrowing his brow) Uh-my lord, that is the mark of Edoras- it has been around for centuries; it was a unanimous vote.  
  
King Kevoden: (Irritably) Well, hoist up a Council meeting-we've gotta talk about this symbol! I never realized how much it bothered me!  
  
Kendalf: (Deciding to press more urgent matters) Er-Kevoden-I think we've got more urgent things to worry about, if you don't mind my saying.  
  
King Kevoden: (Nodding in understanding) Yes, I suppose; I can worry about the hilts later-right now, I've got a kingdom to catch up to. (Gazing about the hall) Strange.for a moment, I had forgotten who I was.  
  
Erynwyn: (In a grave voice) So had we.we almost gave up hope, uncle. (In a desperate voice) Uncle, what happened to you? Who did this?  
  
King Kevoden: (In a confused tone) You know-I don't really recall! One day, I'm going to bed, minding my own business, and the next day, I look like one of those pictures out of a mummy book! I thought it was a mere flub-up in the skin cream I was using and that it would go away, but it didn't! The rest (Shakes his head in vagueness) is all a mystery.  
  
Jimagorn: (Suspiciously) Skin cream? What kind of skin cream?  
  
King Kevoden: (In a simple tone) Well, the one that you can get on the outskirts of Rohan, of course! My beloved servant-uh-what's his name? (Snapping his fingers as he ponders the name) Uh-Worm vomit! That's the name!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Irritably) It's Nrima Wormfeces, my lord!  
  
King Kevoden: (Waving it aside casually) Whatever! Anyways, he got me the skin cream, but the moment it started showin' bad results, Worm Skin went to retrieve an anecdote from the best apothecary in Edoras-  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Angrily) It's Wormfeces, my lord! Worm-feces!  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) Worm Poop-Worm Vomit-Worm Excrement, I don't really give a damn! I'm trying to tell a story here, Worm Fuzz!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Almost going crazy) It's Wormfeces!  
  
King Kevoden: (Continuing) So anyways, Worm Whatever-the-Heck-He's-Called got me some anecdote and told me to take it.he wouldn't tell me what it was, though.  
  
Jimagorn: (Quickly) How often did he say you should take it?  
  
King Kevoden: (After thinking for a moment) About every five.  
  
Megolas: (Quickly) Hours?  
  
King Kevoden: (Shaking his head) No, minutes.  
  
Jimagorn: (His eyes widening) Dear Lord!  
  
King Kevoden: (Very bewildered) What? What'd I miss?  
  
Erynwyn: (Getting the idea and speaking urgently to her uncle) My lord, didn't you find it odd that you were being ordered to drink the potion so frequently?  
  
King Kevoden: (Very agitated) What's everyone so uptight about? It was no big deal, really! All I did was take some unknown potion I had never even heard of from a sneaky, rat faced servant named Worm Teeth!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Standing up quickly, and shouting angrily) IT'S WORMFECES, YOU FREAKIN' DUMB ASS! YOU NEVER REMEMBERED MY NAME-I'D BEEN WORKIN' FOR YOU FOR TEN YEARS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T REMEMBERED MY NAME! THAT'S WHY I GAVE YOU THAT BRAINWASHING POTION AND SOLD YOUR SOUL TO ANDRAMAN, THE OLDER BUT MOST GORGEOUS ONE! THAT'S WHY I MADE THE GUARDS BACK OFF FROM THE BORDERS TO LET ORCS COME AND TAKE THE CITY! NOW, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CALL ME WORMFECES!  
  
(A great silence fills the Golden Hall, with everybody staring at the heavily breathing form of Nrima Wormfeces, who still looks quite angry. Then, we see King Kevoden's face darken considerably as he realizes the treachery of it all-Erynwyn looks liable to breathe fire. Nrima Wormfeces realizes he let his temper get the better of him and quickly draws back in horror)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a small voice) Awe, crap!  
  
(We suddenly see Edoras Guards#1&2 throw Nrima Wormfeces out of the Golden Hall, where he tumbles heavily down the stairs, cursing in pain with every step)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Grasping his ribs in agony when he lands) Ouch! My ribs, you jerks!  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces stops talks as he sees King Kevoden step out of the Golden Hall, looking very vengeful and flanked by Kendalf, Megolas, Brimli, Jimagorn, Erynwyn, and a few guards-the looks on their faces present no mercy for the traitor. King Kevoden begins to advance towards the quivering form of Nrima Wormfeces, who draws back quickly, seeking a chance to hold onto his pathetic life. Many of the grim towns people approach the steps to witness the scene)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Frantically, seeking to get away from the angered king) I- only sought to serve you, my lord! I have presented only my loyalties upon you!  
  
King Kevoden: (Bitterly, grinding his teeth) Your loyalties and services would have had me crawling upon all fours like a beast!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Hopefully) And-you didn't like that, my lord?  
  
(King Kevoden answers by giving a firm kick to Nrima Wormfeces' shin. Nrima Wormfeces gives a gasp of pain and stops moving, giving enough time for King Kevoden to approach his form. Knowing he cannot get away, Nrima Wormfeces seeks a way to compromise the situation)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Desperately) Send me not from your sight, my lord! Do not let my loyalties die! Sure-I deceived you! Okay-I may have controlled your mind and your kingdom for a while! All right-I may have called off the guards from the borders allowing many of the Orcs to swarm into the kingdom of Edoras! And okay-I may have betrayed the entire kingdom to the wizard at Isengard, but what does it all matter?  
  
King Kevoden: (Besides himself in anger) Give me one excuse, traitor, just one excuse!  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (In a helping tone) He's responsible for the extra taxation upon batteries, my lord.  
  
(Shouting angrily, King Kevoden raises his sword to strike down the traitor and the deceiver-to end the suffering he has endured; Nrima Wormfeces shields his face with his hand. But before King Kevoden can strike, Jimagorn shouts out and runs to hold back the king's blow)  
  
Jimagorn: (Desperately) NOOOOO! (Grasps the king's hand and explains quietly to the king) Let him go-enough blood has been shed on his account.  
  
(King Kevoden looks incredulously at the other, already beginning to dislike him. Jimagorn extends a hand of friendship and opportunity to Nrima Wormfeces, but the other simply spits upon it)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a great shout of disgust as he shakes off his hand) Agh! Spit! Spit on my beautiful, moisturized hands!  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces uses the chance to jump to his feet and push his way past the town's people-he's escaping the town. Without any thought or consideration towards the other, Nrima Wormfeces snatches the reins of Citizen of Edoras#2's horse)  
  
Citizen of Edoras#2: (Angrily as he realizes somebody's taking his horse) Hey! You can't just take my horse!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Angrily throwing down some slips to the citizen) There's five-hundred dollars! Leave me alone!  
  
(Shocked, Citizen of Edoras#2 nods and bends to pick up the slips; using his time wisely, Nrima Wormfeces rides away from the citizen. We see Citizen of Edoras#2 look at one of the slips and frown)  
  
Citizen of Edoras#2: (Angrily) Hey! This is just in stock, you bastard!  
  
(But Nrima Wormfeces is already riding through the town's gate. We go back to the steps at Golden Hall, where King Kevoden angrily sheathes his sword and shoves Jimagorn roughly)  
  
King Kevoden: (Irritably) You should have let me kill him! We shouldn't have let him get away!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) You would be so cruel as to take his life when he had taken the lives of so many others? His own life is pathetic enough-he doesn't deserve to die.  
  
King Kevoden: (Shouting at the other) Well it'd be more than he'd deserve! (Looks towards the countryside, hoping to see the black-cloaked figure riding away) Now, he's out there and gotten away.  
  
Megolas: (Angrily smacking Jimagorn over the head) Nice going, nim-rod!  
  
Brimli: (Kicking Jimagorn in the shin angrily) Yeah-nice one, genius!  
  
Jimagorn: (Irritably rubbing his shin) Well, excuse me for being merciful! It was the right thing to let him go, right Kendalf?  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily) I never told you to let him go, you stupid fetus! I just said, "Kevoden is performing a fair favor for Wormfeces by killing him"! Jimagorn: (Angrily) Well, I didn't let Kevoden kill him-I deserve your praise!  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily whacking Jimagorn in the stomach with his staff) You idiot! I'm one of the main actors! I have to say something solemn! Do I ever mean what I say-hell no!  
  
Jimagorn: (Rubbing his stomach and getting very agitated) Oh come on! It's not like it's a big loss for us or anything! I mean, the guy doesn't even make it to Isengard!  
  
(Everybody looks at one another in confusion)  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Well-am I right?  
  
Megolas: (Blankly) You idiot, Jimagorn! Nrima Wormfeces does make it to Isengard!  
  
Jimagorn: (Confused) No! That's not him! He dies on the road due to complications with asthma!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) That's Citizen of Edoras number fifteen, you idiot!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#15: (Piping up angrily from the crowd) Hey! How come I have to die?  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking very awkward) So-Nrima Wormfeces does make it to Isengard?  
  
Megolas: (Nodding angrily) Uh-yeah!  
  
Jimagorn: (Stamping his foot angrily) Damn it, why doesn't anybody ever tell me these things?  
  
Brimli: (Incredulously) It's in your script, you moron!  
  
Jimagorn: (Raising an eyebrow) It is?  
  
Megolas: (Nodding in agitation) Yeah! (Pulls out a folded up portion of her script and tosses it to Jimagorn) It's right there; scene fourteen!  
  
(Jimagorn thumbs through the script and scans the pages of scene fourteen. After a while, his eyes widen and he looks rather surprised)  
  
Jimagorn: (Incredulously) Well, I'll be damned!  
  
(Suddenly, we hear Citizen of Edoras#3 pipe up in the group)  
  
Citizen of Edoras#3: (In a very monotone voice) Hey! Look! It is King Kevoden, back at his old self! Citizen of Edoras#4: (In the same monotone voice) This is the happiest day of my life.  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (Giving a firm order) Make welcome to your king, citizens of Edoras!  
  
(For a moment, none of the citizens move-the wind whips through the town ominously. The members of Golden Hall look at one another awkwardly)  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (In a low voice towards the crowd) Uh-bow to him.  
  
(In a great shout of understanding, the citizens bow low to their king; even Jimagorn bows his head and places his hand on his chest in respects- or, maybe it's not in respects but self-gratification. But anyways, King Kevoden takes a good look around, looking very pleased to be a king again. Then, he averts his attention to those who have come from the Golden Hall; everybody is there-except for one key person.)  
  
King Kevoden: (His brow furrowing as he realizes it) Where is Jaredred? Where is my son?  
  
(The members of the Golden Hall look at one another uncomfortably. Erynwyn turns away to hide the tears of grief billowing from her eyes. Jimagorn decides to break the news easily to the king)  
  
Jimagorn: (Sympathetically, placing his hand upon the king's shoulder) Listen, King Kevoden, there comes a time in everyone's life when-be that as it may that many try to make it otherwise-their time upon this earth- (Shakes his head as he tries another motive) Or, let's put it this way: you plant a flower in the middle of spring. Now, you-or, let's make it a tree! A tree goes through a time where it loses its leaves every fall, right? Well, the leaves may have fallen, but the tree itself isn't necessarily dead.  
  
Megolas: (Practically) Well, actually-the tree does die for a brief period of time-  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Okay, the freakin' tree is dead! Are you happy? (Back to the king) But-the tree may be dead, but it's not necessarily gone, right? So-keeping that in mind, now-Kevoden, I'm regretting to inform you that-well, Jaredred-there comes a time-Er.(Looks to Megolas for guidance in his awkward position) Megolas, help me out here!  
  
Megolas: (Looks blankly at King Kevoden and speaks firmly) Jaredred's dead, Kevoden. His body's in the sick room if you want to go look.  
  
(King Kevoden's eyes widen in horror and grief. Jimagorn is giving Megolas an open-mouthed incredulous stare. Megolas looks as though she has said nothing important)  
  
Jimagorn: (In an angry tone) Megolas! Couldn't you have eased into that a little bit?  
  
Megolas: (Shrugging) Well, I'm sorry! I don't know how one mourns somebody after death! Our kind doesn't die! We're immortal!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Oh sure! Throw that in my face! 


	14. Scene Fourteen: Funerals and Worriment

Scene Fourteen  
  
(We now see many members of the Guard of Edoras bearing the casket of the deceased Jaredred. King Kevoden watches the procession go by, looking severely heartbroken. Erynwyn is weeping openly, while Kendalf, Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli simply stare. Kendalf is bowing his head in respects; Megolas is softly saying an oath of respect in Elvish; Brimli has her helmet off and her head bowed in respects; Jimagorn looks very expressionless, stroking himself fondly on the chest. Finally, when the Paul-bearers place the king's son within his tomb, Kendalf speaks out)  
  
Kendalf: (In a solemn voice) May the spirit of Jaredred, son of the king of Edoras, rest and find peace. (Looks to Jimagorn) I believe that Jimagorn, son of Jimathorn, wishes to speak for the deceased?  
  
(Jimagorn looks at the wizard with wide eyes; Kendalf gives the other a reassuring nod. After clearing his throat, Jimagorn steps upon a large rock; everybody looks at the speaker, waiting for the eulogy to be delivered)  
  
Jimagorn: (After a long time) What can I honestly say about Jaredred, son of King Kevoden? Obviously, I did not know him well enough to say he was a kind man-never knew him well enough to say he was a jerk. But from this Poloroid I received from the pamphlet of the funeral-(Pulls out the picture) I can honestly say that he was pretty good-looking-though, not as much as I.  
  
(Megolas & Brimli look at one another and roll their eyes, while Kendalf keeps staring at Jimagorn)  
  
Jimagorn: (After stroking himself upon the chest fondly) So, to substitute for my lack of knowledge towards the deceased, I shall quote a simple Bible verse-one that has been passed down from generation to generation: (Clears his throat and begins to speak solemnly) Jeremiah was a bullfrog; was a good friend of mine. I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink his wine; and he always had some mighty fine wine. I'm sayin', "Joy-to the world; all-the boys and girls. (Waves around at the crowd) Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, and joy-to you and me."  
  
(There is a great hush over the crowd-they are obviously too shocked to speak or trying to fully comprehend the other's words. Jimagorn looks satisfied, however, and steps down; he looks at Kendalf)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a confident shrug) I think that went really well.  
  
Kendalf: (Furrowing his brow at the other) Yes-quite blasphemous.  
  
Jimagorn: (With a smile) Thanks.I pride myself upon it.  
  
(The camera now catches the beautiful flower of Simbelmynë, clutched tightly in grieving King Kevoden's hands. He begins to speak as if speaking to nobody; as if trying to fully comprehend the situation himself)  
  
King Kevoden: Simbelmynë. For years, it has covered the tombs of my fore- bearers.  
  
(King Kevoden drops the flower, and we watch its graceful descent to the ground. Once it has landed, the camera shows King Kevoden standing next to a recently dug grave-the tomb of his deceased son. He looks behind him, where we see Kendalf standing and watching the scene in a stone-faced way- clutching to his staff and the breeze ruffling through his white robes)  
  
King Kevoden: (Looking very grim as he speaks) .now it shall cover the grave of my son.  
  
Kendalf: (In a small tone) It was a nice funeral, you have to admit- Jaredred looked at peace.  
  
King Kevoden: (In a grim voice) Yes, it was nice.(In a dark tone) till Erynwyn started singing that damn song of mourning! It sounded like somebody was talking in tongues! (Looks back at the graves before him) Alas that I live to see these times-when the young die and the old linger.and linger.and linger. They do nothing but sit in their studio apartments, reeking of prune juice and of cottage cheese-remaining the same way, because they don't seem to give a damn anymore. All that seems important is that they watch their episodes of "Price Is Right" or "Wheel of Fortune"; failing to see that they have watched the same episode just the other night, but watching it anyways because they might find something they missed. They are intent in watching their soap operas-(Tears coming to his eyes as he thinks of it) quaffing their glasses of Ensure, calling it a meal because it's good for their bowels.  
  
Kendalf: (In a sympathetic tone) Jaredred's death was not of your making. (Awkwardly) Though-it could have been avoided if you had paid more attention to what was going on around you, maybe heeded the warning he had given to you a few weeks before.(Coming back to his sympathetic tone) but other than that, it wasn't your fault!  
  
King Kevoden: (Looking at Kendalf with tear-filled eyes) No parent should have to bury their child.none.  
  
(Overcome with grief, King Kevoden begins to weep in despair. He falls to the ground on his knees, still weeping for the loss of his son; perhaps believing it in his heart that he could have prevented it. Kendalf watches the scene with a simple expression of pity upon his face. Desperately, he seeks some comforting words to the king)  
  
Kendalf: (Confidently) Jaredred was a strong man-his spirit shall find the Hall of your fathers easily.and there, he will live his life in peace and we will all go on with our lives. Well, except you-you'll be wallowing in the stench of grief for as long as you can count.  
  
(King Kevoden gives a great howl of dismay at this; apparently, the wizard's words did not help. Finally, Kendalf has had enough; he furrows his brow and grunts)  
  
Kendalf: (In a rather hard voice) I need a beer! I'm goin' back to the Golden Hall, Kevoden-you're really bummin' me out! Gees! This place is so depressing!  
  
(And with that, Kendalf makes to go back to the Golden Hall, but then he looks in the distance and sees something. King Kevoden looks up as he realizes that the wizard is still there, and looks in the distance as well. We see a horse in the distance, trotting to a stop a short distance from the borders of the city-upon closer inspection, we see that there are two riders: Matothain & Deeda from the Westfold. The riders look exhausted, and Matothain is teetering dangerously on the horse. We go back to Kendalf & King Kevoden, who are watching the riders in a bemused fashion)  
  
Kendalf: (In a simple tone) They are children-they have ridden far.  
  
King Kevoden: (Bemused) Do you think they are seeking aid?  
  
(At this, we see Matothain fall off of his horse in the distance. Kendalf & King Kevoden look at one another in surprise)  
  
Kendalf: (Practically) Uh-yeah, I think they're looking for help.  
  
(Now we see Matothain & Deeda eating ravenously in the Golden Hall, Erynwyn nearby; she has apparently speaking to the children. Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli sit at different tables in the hall, watching the scene intently. King Kevoden sits on his throne, looking very stressed, and Kendalf sits nearby. Erynwyn looks towards her uncle grimly)  
  
Erynwyn: (Getting up and walking towards her uncle) They had no warning! They were unarmed! (Bitterly) Now the Wild Men are running-well-wild throughout the Rohan, burning everything as they go! They take cot, beech, crop, and scarecrows!  
  
Deeda: (Looking at Erynwyn desperately) Where's Mama?  
  
Erynwyn: (Shushing the child and putting a comforting hand upon the child) Now, shut up, little girl.shut up.  
  
(We go to Kendalf & King Kevoden. Kendalf is looking very serious about the situation-King Kevoden has his face in his hands in frustration)  
  
Kendalf: (Seriously) This is but a taste of what Andraman has planned for all of Rohan.and Andraman was never a good cook. So either he's made a horrible error, or he's a sick, twisted freak that's planning to take everything you've got, regardless of what you may think. You have to fight him-ride out to meet him-  
  
(Kendalf puts a hand on the king's in comfort. King Kevoden looks at what Kendalf is doing, raises his eyebrows quizzically at the wizard, and Kendalf quickly takes the hand away)  
  
Kendalf: (Seriously) Keep them away from your women and children-'cause let's face it: Andraman's a pretty sick dude!  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking at King Kevoden seriously and offering help) You have two thousand good men riding north as we speak. Méomer is loyal to you-and so are his Riders of Rohan! He will come for you if you seek his aid.  
  
King Kevoden: (Getting up and stepping from his throne in agitation) But they are three hundred leagues from here, by now! We have no way of contacting him! I knew we shouldn't have gotten rid of e-mail during the second age!  
  
Jimagorn: (Furrowing his brow) Well, e-mail or no e-mail, you've got to do something! Stand and fight them off! If you raise an army right now-!  
  
King Kevoden: (Shaking his head immediately) No way! I'm not risking it! Too many risks had been taken-too many lives have been lost; citizens of Westfold, my son, and even that crazy hobo on the street that liked to dance for food.  
  
Megolas: (Practically) Actually, that guy died from natural causes.  
  
King Kevoden: (Exasperatedly) Well, he's dead anyways! And he won't be the only one if we go through this! (Looks at Kendalf seriously) I know what you would have me do, Kendalf-but I will not risk my town to open war!  
  
Jimagorn: (Cool and logical) Open war is coming to you-whether you would risk it or not. Maybe it is best to be caught prepared?  
  
King Kevoden: (Spinning his gaze to Jimagorn and speaking very sarcastically) You know what, Jimagorn, you're right! No! You are! What, you've been here for what-(Looks at watch) five hours? I should consider your words like a private confidant, shouldn't I? I mean-you must know what you're doing, after all! Oh, (Looks to the sky in mock happiness) thank the Lord that Jimagorn has come into Edoras and started issuing orders about the place! Why shouldn't we listen to him, hmm? What in the world could keep us from following his orders? I wonder.(Scratches his face, his finger bumping into his crown. He looks up at the crown, a smile of mock astonishment crossing his lips as he points to it with surprise) What? What's this? Why-it's the crown of Edoras? So-that means that Jimagorn is not the king? Oh my! What an astonishing turnout!  
  
Jimagorn: (Quite coldly, keeping anger in check) What're you getting at, Kevoden?  
  
King Kevoden: (Dropping sarcasm and presenting a cool temperament) The last time I checked, Kevoden was king of Edoras-not Jimagorn, the bearer of the wave. (Points at Jimagorn's ridiculous hair-flip)  
  
(Jimagorn glares at the king. Angered by the king's insult to his beloved hairstyle, Jimagorn makes to stand up and show the king exactly what he's made of. But he knows that it would do no good fighting with King Kevoden, so he remains sitting; but his glare doesn't change. A tense moment passes as King Kevoden & Jimagorn stare at one another angrily. Suddenly, a great belch is heard, and both figures turn to see Brimli sitting at a table a few feet away, watching the scene intently over a tall mug of ale. When both Men look at her, Brimli blinks at both of them in expectation)  
  
Brimli: (In a simple tone) Oh, ignore me! (Gesturing for them to continue) Go on! Resume your arguing! Go ahead! As you were!  
  
(Both Men do not move, but resume staring incredulously at the Dwarf. Brimli looks disappointed)  
  
Brimli: (Crestfallen) Oh, come on!  
  
Kendalf: (Deciding to break up the scene) And what would King Kevoden assume we do at this time?  
  
(We see King Kevoden ponder for a moment, really thinking hard. Then, the scene abruptly changes and we see Brimli, Jimagorn, Megolas, Erynwyn, Kendalf, & King Kevoden in a big Conga line; Matothain & Deeda are playing on bongo drums to serenade the scene. Jimagorn is wearing a huge sombrero, and looking like he's having a blast)  
  
Kendalf: (Rather awkwardly) Uh-Kevoden, don't you think we ought to do something about the reign of terror going to be released by Andraman?  
  
King Kevoden: (In a defensive voice) In a moment! I spent over five weeks a brainless zombie-I need to live, don't I?  
  
Jimagorn: (In an enthused tone) You wanna know what sounds really good right now? Nachos! Let's fix some nachos!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily-speaking to Jimagorn behind her) You wanna know what sounds even better right now? Getting your hands off of my butt!  
  
Jimagorn: (Abruptly) Oh! Sorry! I thought I was grabbing your waist.  
  
Megolas: (After a few minutes of waiting, speaking angrily) They're still there! Jimagorn: (Awkwardly) Sorry! I'll get 'em off! (Smiles mischievously as he continues to dance in the Conga line)  
  
(Now we see Commander Awry shouting out orders to the towns people in the square. He is a big man, with black hair and clad in metal armor-an example of military stature. He wears a belt of many weapons)  
  
Commander Awry: (In a deep, commanding voice) By orders of the king, we are to flee to Helm's Deep! Take only what you need! Make haste! We leave before daybreak tomorrow!  
  
(We see Brimli, Megolas, & Jimagorn following Kendalf to the stables)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Helm's Deep? They're running away and hiding, when they should be standing and fighting!  
  
Jimagorn: (Gently) King Kevoden is only doing what he believes is best for his people.  
  
Kendalf: (Grimly) Still, there is no way out of that ravine. Kevoden is walking into a trap.  
  
Jimagorn: (Frustrated) You know what, Kendalf, I'm getting really tired of you always contradicting me! It's really pissing me off!  
  
(At this point, the four reach the stables. Kendalf walks inside briskly, the others having to walk fast in order to keep up. Kendalf is speaking rapidly as he moves to Shadowfax)  
  
Kendalf: Andraman's not going to lie quiet-if he hits, it'll be hard. (Stops in front of the gate where his horse is being kept, leans upon it wearily, and speaks grimly to Jimagorn) Kevoden is a good man, but I fear for him. You need to make sure that Kevoden stays on his feet, Jimagorn. The defenses have to hold!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a whining voice) They do? But, I don't think they can hold for long!  
  
Kendalf: (Firmly) Jimagorn.  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily, folding his arms irritably) All right, fine! The defenses will hold!  
  
Megolas: (In a desperate tone) So, wait a moment! You're putting Jimagorn in charge of keeping track of Kevoden! Kendalf, why can't you do it?  
  
Kendalf: (Going inside the gate) Because, I have to ride out and get some more help!  
  
Megolas: (Looks from Jimagorn to Kendalf) So-wait a tick! You're leaving him (Points to Jimagorn) in charge? Are you insane?  
  
Kendalf: (Furrowing his brow) No, I'm leaving the best man for the job!  
  
Jimagorn: (Defensively to Megolas) Hear that, Megolas-I'm special!  
  
Megolas: (To Kendalf) You can't be serious, Kendalf!  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily) I am serious, Megolas! You listen to Jimagorn while you're on the road! You three have stuck together for a long time, and that union is going to have to remain strong for a while longer! We cannot let Rohan fall! Look out for one another-(Casting a look at the three others) all of you!  
  
(Stubbornly, Megolas & Brimli nod in agreement. Jimagorn touches himself in satisfaction. Kendalf climbs onto his horse and speaks to the three again)  
  
Kendalf: (Clearly) Look for my coming, at dawn of the fifth day; at first light, look to the east. (With a grim smile) Strange-I have lived through over five hundred years, and yet now I have no time.  
  
Megolas: (Nodding in agreement) Yeah-isn't it a kick in the pants?  
  
(Kendalf gives the Elf a brief smile, nods at Brimli, and gives Jimagorn that look of, "Be careful out there and watch out for yourself". Jimagorn nods in understanding, and Kendalf kicks the sides of his horse to make it go. Shadowfax runs from its gate and runs through the stable. But Kendalf bangs his head on one of the overhead beams and is knocked clean from his mount; Brimli, Megolas, & Jimagorn coil back with small squeaks of shock to one another)  
  
Brimli: (In a small tone) That's gotta hurt!  
  
(Kendalf is softly groaning as he lies on the floor of the stable. Then, we see Stable-Boy of Edoras come in; he takes one look at the wizard's form and gives a derisive snort)  
  
Stable-Boy of Edoras: (In an irritable voice) What is it with people wanting to ride inside of the stables?  
  
Kendalf: (In a small voice of pain) Ouuuuuuccccccccchhhhh.  
  
(We now see Kendalf riding out of the stable with speed, clutching a blue ice-pack to his head. The wizard disappears from view as he rides through the gates, his destinations unknown to anyone but himself. We see Megolas, Brimli, & Jimagorn watch him go from atop a high-point in the city)  
  
Brimli: (In a stunned voice) I can't believe it. He left us once-we thought he was dead-he's come back to us, and now he's gone again! This is getting out of control!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a simple tone) I had a strange feeling he wouldn't stay for long-wizards of great and good power never do.  
  
Brimli: (With a small, grim smile) Now it remains to be seen if he'll even come back this time.  
  
Megolas: (Simply) He'll come back; he always comes back.  
  
(Too nervous about the situation as it is, Jimagorn simply nods. We then go to the stables again, seeing many guards trying to wrench out a horse that seems to have been driven mad. Erynwyn is in the stables, occasionally glancing at the situation, but going back to get the supplies. Jimagorn, who is in there looking for something, suddenly sees the situation at hand and decides to go help. He grabs the reins of the horse, and begins to talk to it in Elvish. The horse begins to immediately calm down; Jimagorn begins to stroke the horse fondly, still speaking to it in soft Elvish. Then, we see Erynwyn walk over to Jimagorn, eyes wide in amazement)  
  
Erynwyn: (Still amazed) I've never heard of a Man that could talk in such fluent Elvish-I mean, Stibbons can speak pretty good Spanish, but other than that.(Shakes her head in amazement) that was pretty neat.  
  
Jimagorn: (In a quiet tone) I was raised in Rivendell for a short time.(Darkly) but then Noelrond kicked me out. He put so many damn restrictions on the place! "Jimagorn, don't slouch like that!" "Jimagorn, stop stealing my hair spray!" "Jimagorn, stop touching yourself like that!" (Strokes himself on the chest) He says he cast me out of Rivendell so that I may make a living for myself, but I think he was intimidated by my severe sexiness!  
  
Erynwyn: (With a small shrug) Elves are weird.  
  
Jimagorn: (After thinking about it for a while) No.not all of them.  
  
(Erynwyn looks at Jimagorn quizzically, but Jimagorn has already decided not to tell her about Narwen)  
  
Jimagorn: (After clearing his throat, deciding to change the subject) Uh- so, whose horse is this?  
  
Erynwyn: (In a grim voice) He was my cousin's horse-his name is Prego.  
  
Jimagorn: (Raising an eyebrow at Erynwyn) Prego? Like the pasta sauce?  
  
Erynwyn: (With a shrug) He liked Italian food. (Resuming her grim tune) He was my cousin's warhorse.  
  
Jimagorn: (After looking at it for a while) Let him go-he has seen enough of war. (Erynwyn looks to object, but seems to realize the truth behind his words, and complies. Then, we see the orphanage of Edoras, where Orphans of Edoras are playing inside the complex, laughing and playing. We see a great banner hung upon the ceiling that says, "Horses for Charity!" Then, we see Keeper of Orphanage come into the room, looking severely upset)  
  
Keeper of Orphanage: (In a grim tone) I'm sorry, children. I just got word from the messenger of Golden Hall-Prego has been let back into the wild; it appears as though we will not be getting a new horse this year. We'll have to settle with Jackson.  
  
(The Keeper of Orphanage indicates an ancient, severely stringy looking horse in the corner. Many of the Orphans of Edoras give a cry of dismay. Then, we go to Andraman, who is pacing about his tower room restlessly)  
  
Andraman: (In an ill-tempered voice) Kendalf, the older and most gorgeous one? HA! More like Kendalf the fool! Everybody knows that I am the older and most gorgeous one! Obviously, or I wouldn't have so much power! There! I believe that settles it! So-why am I still contradicting myself? Could it be that I have a small fear of Kendalf exceeding my position? NO! Not at all! I just-er-like to hear myself talk! That's it! That's it! I like to hear myself talk!  
  
(We hear Nrima Wormfeces talk as he enters the room)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In his drawling, slick voice) Of course you do, my liege! After all, how can one possibly contradict himself when the power of Isengard is quite strong?  
  
Andraman: (Sniffing the air and scowling at the other) You stink of horse- and radishes-and feces!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In an irritable tone) Well-good morning to you, as well!  
  
Andraman: (Leaning against a table and speaking to the other seriously) Who else accompanied Kendalf to the Golden Hall?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a disgusted tone) Only three were with him. There was an Elf-a Dwarf-(Rubs the back of his head at this) and a Man.  
  
Andraman: Anyone of importance?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (After pondering about it for a few seconds) None of which I could see.  
  
(Andraman lets out a breath of relief)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (With a quizzical look upon his face as he speaks) However, the Man did bear a certain ring, although he was rather shabby in appearance-and he liked to touch himself an awful lot.  
  
Andraman: (Snapping his gaze at the other) A certain ring? What sort of ring was it? What did it look like?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (With a sigh) Andraman, if you seek a new ring, I assure you that it can be found online. All we have to do is search under-!  
  
Andraman: (Grabbing the other by the front of his robes) The design, you fool! I do not wish to busy myself with thoughts of buying a new ring! Besides, I already have one-Black Hill's gold, very pretty! But I must know of the design of the ring! Tell it to me!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Seriously, looking off to the side awkwardly) It was of two serpents, one devouring the other, and crowned with fire-with emerald eyes.  
  
(We see Andraman flipping through a thick book, until he finds the page he's looking for-a picture of a ring that exactly fits Nrima Wormfeces' description)  
  
Andraman: (In a cool voice) The Ring of Barahir. So-Kendalf believes that he has found Robsildur's heir, the heir to the throne of Gondor? HA! He is fool if he believes so! (Closes the book with a snap) Jauron will not be alone in his fight to stop such a fate-for it very well could not be.  
  
(We now go to the inside of the Golden Hall, where Erynwyn is setting down a large bundle of things she's been carrying. Inside of the hall, the nobles and guards are gathering up important things for the long trek to Helm's Deep. Erynwyn shuffles through the objects she was carrying, and she happens to find a sheathed sword. Her eyes lighten up in anticipation, and she quickly takes the sword in her hands; after a moment of staring at the sword, she pulls it out. Erynwyn studies the blade carefully, brings it up to her face, and begins to wave it around in battle-like technique. Suddenly, there is a squeal of pain, and Erynwyn turns around to see Edoras Guard#8 clutching their arm, which is bleeding profusely. Erynwyn covers her mouth in shock)  
  
Erynwyn: (Really meaning it) Oh my gosh! I'm sorry! I had no idea! I should've been looking where I was swinging!  
  
Edoras Guard#8: (In an offhand type of voice) No, no! It's my fault! I should've been looking where I was going. (Clutches his arm tighter, for it is bleeding heavily)  
  
Erynwyn: (Anxiously) Are you going to be all right, sir?  
  
Edoras Guard#8: (Waves the other arm as if to say it's no big deal) Ah, don't worry about it, my lady! The cut's not really that deep-I'm just a hemophiliac and I always bleed heavily at simple cuts. (Sways dangerously) Er-I'm gonna go take my medicine now.  
  
(Edoras Guard#8 staggers away, and Erynwyn clutches her sword tightly. This time making sure that nobody is around within striking range, she begins to swing her sword. She is very well coordinated with her moves, concentrating fully on where her swipes occur. Then, as she makes to turn about while raising the sword, the blow is parried by Jimagorn's blade. Erynwyn & Jimagorn stare at one another silently)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a small voice) Where the hell did you come from?  
  
Jimagorn: (Deciding to ignore this) Your hands move quick-you're really talented with the blade.  
  
(Erynwyn slides the blade away from Jimagorn's quickly, and the two stare at one another as if trying to comprehend the other. Finally, Erynwyn clears her throat and sheathes the sword; she tosses it back in the pile she had carried in the hall and concentrates on sorting the pile. Jimagorn watches her)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a quick tone, not even looking at the other) The ladies of Edoras learned a long time ago; those without swords can still die upon them.  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking off to the side awkwardly) But-if you don't have a sword, how can you "die" upon them? I'm confused.  
  
Erynwyn: (Choosing to ignore this) I fear neither death nor pain.  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small smile) What do you fear, my lady?  
  
(Erynwyn looks at Jimagorn with dead seriousness upon her face-it seems like she's surprised somebody actually asked her)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a small tone) A cage.  
  
Jimagorn: (His eyes widening as he realizes this) A cage full of man-eating spiders? I have the same fear!  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) No! (Back to her sad tone) A cage, whose bars hold women from the world, until all hope for grace and valor, is gone; a cage that keeps those with true spirit from showing theirs in this world; a cage (A grim smile coming to her face) that holds me until the day I die.  
  
Jimagorn: (His face falling into a look of understanding) You are a Shield- maiden of Rohan-a daughter of kings-and a really hot babe! (Sheathes his sword and smiles at the other) I do not believe that shall be your fate.  
  
(Erynwyn stares at Jimagorn as if seeing him for the first time; it seems to her as if she has finally found somebody who understands her as much as her brother did. But her brother is far away now-who else can she turn to? Jimagorn stares at Erynwyn intently-definitely attracted to her. Finally, Jimagorn shakes his head)  
  
Jimagorn: (Clearing his throat) Well, I'd best get going. (Smiles and gives a small wave towards Erynwyn) Well-good luck with your cage! (Begins to leave)  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily shouting back at him) Damn it! I don't want a cage!  
  
(We now see King Kevoden getting his things together, accompanied by Commander Awry, who looks rather grim of the situation at hand)  
  
King Kevoden: (As he straps his sword on) Make ready the horses and make sure that everybody is good to go, Commander Awry.  
  
Commander Awry: (In a very forlorn tone) Yes sir.  
  
King Kevoden: (In a serious, valiant voice) Commander Awry, do not fret. We will return!  
  
Commander Awry: (As he leaves the room) Yeah-sure!  
  
(We now see the town's people making their exodus from Edoras. There are the young, the adults, and the old, who can barely walk faster than two steps at a time. The guards are positioned about the group, making sure that nobody is going to intercept them. King Kevoden, Jimagorn, Megolas, Brimli, & Commander Awry ride up front, looking about suspiciously. King Kevoden looks back to the disappearing form of Edoras, wondering if he will live to see the town again. Megolas & Brimli are keeping a good eye out for dangers around them. Jimagorn is fondly stroking himself on the chest, forgetting his problems for but a moment. As the cameras widens out to show the many thousands that are traveling from Edoras, we hear a very unpleasant voice: the Voice of Nrima Wormfeces)  
  
Voice of Nrima Wormfeces: (Sounding just as slick and deceitful as ever) Kevoden will not stay in Edoras-it is weak, he knows this. He will likely have the town flee to Helm's Deep, the ancient safe-hold for so many battles. It is a dangerous route to take through the mountains.  
  
(We now see Nrima Wormfeces conversing to a very foul fellow indeed: Andraman. They are in Isengard, at a table in the great tower. Andraman listens to Nrima Wormfeces' looks as though he is listening intently to his words)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a logical tone) They will have women.and children with them.  
  
(Andraman suddenly shakes his head as he comes back to reality. Nrima Wormfeces looks at Andraman with a quizzical stare)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: Uh-my lord, were you listening to me?  
  
Andraman: (Looking at the other for a while) Wormfeces, can I ask you a question: Do you think I'd look better in coral robes or orange robes?  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces blinks dumbly at the wizard for a while, probably wondering if he made the smart decision of coming to Isengard. Then, we go to the underground fortress of Isengard, Andraman & Nrima Wormfeces walking throughout the Orc-infested confines. Andraman walks proudly, his staff thrust forward and looking quite enthused; Nrima Wormfeces looks nothing short of revolted, but he doesn't dare say anything to the wizard about it)  
  
Andraman: (In a powerful tone) Look, Wormfeces! Look and marvel at the greatness of this army! I have changed Isengard from the dull, resting place of the older and most gorgeous wizard, to the great spectacle of Orc that it is.  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Swallowing down revulsion) It's-quite nice, my lord.  
  
Andraman: (A small laugh) Nice? HA! Hardly! Nice doesn't begin to describe the magnificence, taking place here! The greatness that has formed everything that the Dark Lord depends upon to make his scour of power upon this world! (Nodding in understanding, however) Though, it is rather nice.  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Still hiding revulsion) It is breath-taking, master.  
  
Andraman: (With a great, evil smile) Isn't it? It is the wonderful spectacle of Dark Power, my friend! The Orc is truly magnified here.  
  
(Suddenly, we see Orc#13 approach Andraman shyly, his hands behind his back and digging the heel of his foot in the ground bashfully)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a menacing tone to the Orc) Yes?  
  
Orc#13: (Shy tone) Andraman, I had some time to myself and-well, I had nothing else to do-and I drew a picture of you.  
  
(Orc#13 pulls a piece of paper out from behind his back, and hands it to Andraman. Andraman pulls it open, and we see the stick figure drawing of a wizard with short, black hair, fangs, white robes, and a stick that supposed to be a staff; above the picture is written "Andraman", with an arrow pointing at the drawing. Nrima Wormfeces looks at the drawing, and scolds at the Orc)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Angrily) You insolent Orc! The older and most gorgeous one does not wish to trouble himself with your stick-drawings! Now, go and- !  
  
Andraman: (In a reasonable tone) No, now hold on, Wormfeces; don't be so harsh on him! I mean, it's not that bad of a picture-in fact, it's kind of good! (Studies the picture with a smile on his face) Take a look at those fangs; those are some pretty pearly white teeth, I'll tell you what! And look at those physical features! I'm tellin' ya-I haven't had abs like that since I was in high school! (Places the drawing within his robes and speaks to the Orc) Excellent job, fellow Orc! I am so pleased with your work that I'm going to decrease your hours of torture from nine to six.  
  
Orc#13: (Looking very modest) Oh, Andraman, you are so nice! But-who's going to get the other three hours?  
  
Andraman: (Offhandedly) Ah-that Orc will take 'em!  
  
(Andraman points to Orc#14, who is working diligently. Orc#14 looks up incredulously and gives a great shout of anger)  
  
Orc#14: (In a very whiny voice) But-I've already got ten hours of torture starting at-(Looks at watch) six o'clock, Andraman! Can't you give me a break?  
  
Andraman: (Angrily) What? How dare you try to contradict me? Why can't you be more like this diligent Orc, over here? (Places his hand upon Orc#13's shoulder) Now, be gone from my sight, disgraceful Orc! Go-run around in a huge frying pan or something!  
  
(Mumbling angrily, Orc#14 shuffles off, Orc#13 following smugly. Andraman & Nrima Wormfeces proceed through the caverns. Andraman looks around with severe pride and pleasure. Finally, the two get to where they wish to go; they approach Orc#15 standing near a deep pit)  
  
Orc#15: (Maliciously) Your orders, my lord?  
  
Andraman: (In a powerful voice) Send out your Warg riders!  
  
(There is a sudden sound of dogs barking and whining-it sounds like they're fighting viciously. The sounds are coming from the pit Orc#15 is guarding. Andraman looks down and frowns deeply)  
  
Andraman: (Angrily shouting down in the pit) What the hell are you guys doing? I told you before: No illegal dog fights here!  
  
(There is a great groan of protest from the depths of the pit)  
  
Voice of Orc#17: But-! Andraman: (Angrily) But nothing, buddy! Last time I got a fine from a police officer from Gondor! You know how awkward that was for me? Everybody knock it off, right now! Give up your shares and get moving!  
  
Voice of Orc#18: (Incredulously) But I won over five hundred dollars tonight!  
  
Andraman: (Pointedly) Maybe you should think twice before gambling, shouldn't you? Now clear off! Come on! Let's go!  
  
(The Orcs in the pit groan and mumble as we hear them shuffle off; occasionally mumbles about, "Unfair" and "This is crap, man!" are distinguished occasionally) 


	15. Scene Fifteen: Of Stewed Rabbit Stuff

Scene Fifteen  
  
(Now, we take a dramatic change in scenes. We see Jenolum in a river, trying to catch a fish. It slips from her grasp, and she dashes after it, anxious to get the fish. But the fish slips from her grasp, and she sits inside the river. Suddenly, Jenolum shrieks in pain as something bites her finger. She draws her hand from the water to reveal a piranha clinging to her finger)  
  
Jenolum: (Angrily shouting) Whose piranha is this? I know that it's not here naturally! Piranhas don't live in these types of waters!  
  
(We see an anxious Camera Man come onto the scene, up to a waiting Jenolum)  
  
Camera Man: (Quickly taking the piranha from the creature and whispering) Sorry.so sorry.  
  
(The Camera Man shuffles away from the scene, and Jenolum shakes her head angrily. Finally, she realizes that she's got a fish to catch, and she frantically seeks it out. Then, we see two familiar figures following the river: Kram Gamgee & Lizzo Baggins. Kram Gamgee is rather irritable at traveling about with a strange creature as their guide. Lizzo Baggins is barely coherent with everything around her, gazing at many things)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shouting towards Jenolum) Hey, Stinky! Don't be getting too far ahead!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a very defensive tone) Why do you do that?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looks at Lizzo Baggins in a bemused way) Well-I shouted because she was way up the river and I was-  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Quickly shaking her head and firmly speaking) No! I mean, why do you keep calling her names; running her down like that?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Raising an eyebrow quizzically) Because-she smells bad-she likes to run ahead of us-and I'm frankly getting sick of it!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Well, knock it off, Kram! That "stinky" is our guide to Mordor! We lose her we lose the fight! So please, stop calling her names! She's got feelings, too, you know! She's not going to appreciate you making her feel bad.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Gives a derisive snort) Miss Lizzo, I hardly think she's worried about getting her feelings hurt! Trust me, Lizzo; there's naught much in her but lies and deceit. It's the Movie she wants-(Giving Lizzo Baggins a warning glance) it's all she cares about.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably) You've no idea what it did to her-what it's still doing to her! (Walks past her friend, looking back at her with a small sneer) Why can't you just have a little faith in her, Kram?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Incredulously) Me, have faith in her? I'm sorry, Miss Lizzo, but I don't trust her! That's usually my attitude towards somebody who attacks me in my sleep, and tries to bite my shoulder off! And what about you? If I remember correctly, you pulled your sword upon her as well!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Grumpily) Just have to refer back to past, don't you?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Why do you even care, Miss Lizzo? Why do you care what happens to her?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking up the river and giving a small smile) I want to help her, Kram.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Eyes open in horror) What? What would make you want to help that? (Points to Jenolum up the river)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a sympathetic voice) She was normal once-a human, like you and me, Kram. Everything was fine in her life-and the Movie destroyed it. The Movie destroys everything.(Quietly, slowly grasping her chest) and yet.  
  
(Kram Gamgee looks towards Lizzo Baggins suspiciously, not trusting the situation. Finally, Lizzo Baggins takes her hand off her chest and looks back towards Jenolum, who is smiling at the hobbits)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a small smile) I need to believe that I can bring her back to the way she was, Kram.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a small "tuh" of disbelief) I don't think that anything could bring her back to who she was, Miss Lizzo-or most likely, what she was.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Suddenly snapping at Kram Gamgee bitterly) What do you know about it? Nothing! You're just a stupid, bumbling hobbit who can't even boil water without burning anything!  
  
(At these sudden words, Kram Gamgee draws back in surprise. Then, she glares at Lizzo Baggins and turns away from her. This suddenly seems to bring Lizzo Baggins back to her normal self. She shakes her head in disbelief)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Speaking in a very small, confused voice) I'm sorry, Kram. I-(Looks at Kram Gamgee) Are you crying, Kram?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Her back still turned to Lizzo Baggins, but speaking in a very high-pitched voice) No. Lizzo Baggins: (Shaking her head again) Kram, I honestly don't know what came over me.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Turning back to Lizzo Baggins angrily) I do, Miss Lizzo! I know exactly what's making you act like that! It's the Movie! Don't think I haven't seen you, Miss Lizzo! You don't eat-you barely sleep-and you're beginning to listen to Barry Manilow music!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a rather defensive tone) Well, maybe I'm not hungry, maybe I'm not sleepy, and maybe I like a sweet, soothing, love ballad every now and then!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) I'm your best friend, Lizzo! I know that whenever you listen to Barry Manilow, you've got a lot on your mind-you're trying to distract yourself from your own troubles. You're not yourself anymore, Miss Lizzo. It's the Movie-(Looking very desperate at her friend, feeling very concerned) it's taken a hold of you, Lizzo. You've got to fight it!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Hostile) I know what I have to do, Kram! The Movie was entrusted to me! You remember the Council of Noelrond! He said that I was supposed to go to Mount Doom and throw the Movie of Power into the fires! He said that I was supposed to destroy the Movie! Kram, the task was bestowed upon me! It's mine! My own!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins walks away, clearly having enough of this. Kram Gamgee watches her go with an open mouth)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Disbelief in every word) Can't you hear yourself? Do you even know who you sound like? (Shouting so her friend can hear) I'll give you a clue: she smells like fish, talks to herself in third person, and looks kind of like Gandhi!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins chooses to ignore this and keeps walking. Then, we see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee sleeping upon the ground. Lizzo Baggins is softly singing, "Mandy" in her sleep-in her hand, she clutches the Movie of Power. Then, we hear the evil hissing of Jenolum, and we see her on a boulder, watching the two hobbits sleep with malice in her pale eyes)  
  
Jenolum: (In a very bitter, angry tone) The thievessss! They stoles it from us! They takes it from us! Nasty hobbits! They are lying-tricksy- false! (Suddenly shakes her head, and resumes a much nicer tone) No-no, they are not that way. They are nice to us. (Goes back to evil tone immediately) They tricks you! They are liars, they are! They will trick you-lie to you! (In the nicer, kind tone, fondling with her hair) But, master is our friend! (In the evil tone) What friends? You don't have any friends! (In the nicer, defensive tone) I have friends! I have lots of friends! (In the evil tone) Name one! (In the nice tone, pondering for a moment before speaking) Bob! Bob was our friend! (In the mean tone) That was just a dirty sock you found in the tunnels of the Misty Mountains! That doesn't count! (In the nicer tone) Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound stupid. (Resuming the mean tone) What do you know about friends? You don't have any friends! Nobody likes you! (In the nice tone) That's not true! You're just bitter! (In the mean tone) You're a rotten piece of scum! (In the nice tone, she puts her fingers in her ears, and begins to sing) La! La! La! La! La! Not listening! La! La! La! (In the mean tone) You're a liar-and a thief! (In the nice tone, shaking her head in a humorous way) Nope. (In the mean tone, looking very evil at the moment) Murderer!  
  
(Jenolum suddenly begins to cry-her other self had struck a hard spot; a dark place of her past she cannot seem to rid herself of. To seek a way out of it, she becomes hostile towards her meaner self)  
  
Jenolum: (In a pathetic tone through her tears) Go away. (In her evil, menacing voice, looking quite enthused) "Go away"? (Laughs evilly, before going back to her weeping self, putting a hand to her head) I hate you! You're a bastard! (In the evil tone) Where would you be without me? (Coughs grotesquely) We got away because of me-we survived because of me! I looked after us! Me!  
  
(Jenolum's eyes suddenly widen as she realizes something. Her pale eyes are quite bright with hope as she speaks)  
  
Jenolum: (In her better half, speaking distantly) Not anymore. (Resuming her evil side, looking very menacing) What did you say? (Her better half speaking rather logically) Not anymore! Master looks after us now-master takes care of us.that means.(In her evil tone) I know you're not going to say what I think you're saying! (In her better half).we don't need you anymore! Go away! (In the evil tone) You cannot make me leave! (In a commanding tone) Leave, and never come back! (The evil side hisses threateningly, but the better side is commanding) Leave, and never come back! (The evil side sounding very angry) I'm not going anywhere, missy! (The better side shouting angrily into the night) YOU GET OUTTA HERE YOU PIECE OF CRAP, OR I'M GONNA PUT MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR BUTT, THE WATER ON MY KNEE WILL QUENCH YOUR THIRST!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Groggily) Shut up, over there! Go have a personal war with yourself somewhere else! Gees!  
  
(Jenolum ignores Kram Gamgee. Jenolum looks about, as if searching for something. Then, she realizes something: her other half is gone. Her eyes fill with joy, and she sounds very enthused as she realizes it)  
  
Jenolum: (In a small voice at first, then building up) She's gone. She's- gone. She's gone! She's gone! (Jumps off the boulder and begins to dance a jig) Jenéagol is free!  
  
(Now it is daytime, in some other part of the forested area the three are traveling. Kram Gamgee is looking in the distance, probably judging the path they are taking. Lizzo Baggins is snoozing nearby against a boulder. Then, we see Jenolum run up to Lizzo Baggins, carrying two dead rabbits in her mouth like a dog. Gleefully, Jenolum spits them out on the sleeping hobbit's lap. At this, Lizzo Baggins stirs and eventually wakes up)  
  
Jenolum: (Sounding quite ecstatic and pleased) Look, master! Looks what we found!  
  
(Her brow furrowed, Lizzo Baggins looks down at her lap, and gives a great start at what she sees)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Disgusted) OH MY G-  
  
(Lizzo Baggins stops as she sees Jenolum's face fall slightly)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Catching herself and speaking in a friendlier tone) Uh-Oh! N-Nice rabbits there, Jenéagol; nice-dead rabbits! (Gulps in revulsion as she stares at the lifeless bunnies)  
  
Jenolum: (Sounding very excited and pleased) We's caught them just a few moment ago, master! (Picks a rabbit up and clutches it in her hands) They are young!  
  
(Jenolum bends the rabbit so that its spine breaks, and Lizzo Baggins looks very sickened by this. Kram Gamgee looks over, sees what's going on, and rolls her eyes)  
  
Jenolum: (Going on as if she's said nothing) They are tender-they are nice! Go ahead, master! Eats them! Eats them! (Talks as she takes a bite and tugs on the skin of her rabbit) Some say that it be best to takes the skins off, but we thinks it adds an extra tang!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks liable to be sick, and finally Kram Gamgee steps in. She marches over to Jenolum angrily)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Frustrated, taking the rabbit from Jenolum) You're gonna make her sick, you are!  
  
(We hear Lizzo Baggins speak in a very nauseated voice)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: Too-late! (We hear her retch violently)  
  
(Choosing to ignore this, Kram Gamgee grabs the rabbits, takes a look at them, and speaks to an irritable Jenolum)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Matter-of-fact tone) There's only one way to make a nice brace of conies!  
  
(We see Kram Gamgee & Lizzo Baggins tending to a wonderful looking stew; but Jenolum is shrieking uncontrollably, dancing about as if she's going to catch on fire)  
  
Jenolum: (Very forlorn) What's it doing? What's it doing? (Angrily to Kram Gamgee) You stupid, fat hobbit!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looking very threatening and brandishing her spoon before her as a weapon) Hey! It's glandular; and it's more on me than you have, you freakin' toothpick!  
  
Jenolum: (Ignoring this and howling in misery) You's ruining it!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Agitated) What's there to ruin? There's barely any meat on them! "Tender and nice"? HA! More like "old and anorexic!"  
  
(Lizzo Baggins gets up to get some dishes from a pack nearby, then suddenly hears something; curious, she looks in the distance. Kram Gamgee & Jenolum continue with their conversation, not having noticed the other's departure)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a logical tone) What we need are a few good taters.  
  
Jenolum: (Obviously confused) "Taters"? What's "taters", precious? What's "taters", hmm?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Po-ta-toes! Ground spuds! Essence of Idaho! You boil 'em, mash 'em, and stick 'em in the stew! Talk about a nice pair of (Throws some seasoning in the stew) golden chips, right next to a batch of fried fish.  
  
Jenolum: (Giving a great shout of disgust) Yick!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Annoyed) Now even you couldn't say, "No" to that!  
  
Jenolum: (With strong dignity) Oh, yes we could! (Goes up to Kram Gamgee's ear and speaks with much longing) Give it to us, raw and wriggling-with its heart still beating! (Draws away from Kram Gamgee with a laugh) You can keep your nasty chips!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a small snort of disgust) You sushi freaks get weirder and weirder every time I talk to you! (Shakes her head as she spoons some stew to taste) You're hopeless. (Takes a taste of stew, and gives a great shout of disgust) Uck! What's in that? (Looks at Jenolum angrily) Did you put that basil in, like I told you to?  
  
Jenolum: (Indignantly) Yes we did!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily, spitting out some of the stew) Well-it tastes like grass!  
  
Jenolum: (Angrily) Where does it think basil comes from-a bottle?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Annoyed) Yes! A bottle in my pack marked, "Basil"!  
  
Jenolum: (With a derisive snort) It relies on a bottle? Who needs a bottle of that? It's all around us! (Picks up some nearby grass) See? Basil!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) You idiot! You put grass in my stew! Now my stew tastes like a bunch of grass-clippings!  
  
Jenolum: (Defensively) You act as though that's a bad thing!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Gives another exclamation of disgust) Well-it's not too bad, I suppose. I guess we could just cover it up with salt. Hey, Lizzo, as long as you're over there, can you toss me the salt?  
  
(When there is no answer, Kram Gamgee looks behind her, and her eyes widen in shock. Lizzo Baggins is gone. Worried, Kram Gamgee stands up, looking about in concern)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Loudly) Miss Lizzo?  
  
(We now see Lizzo Baggins crawling through some low-hanging bushes, looking out to some clearing before her. We hear the sounds of booted feet and clanging armor. Then, we see Kram Gamgee & Jenolum follow Lizzo Baggins. Kram Gamgee looks rather angry, while Lizzo Baggins looks at the clearing with an open mouth)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Damn it, Miss Lizzo! Every time I turn around, you go off and do something stupid! One day I'm going to turn around, and you're going to be dead, and then I'm gonna-(Looks towards the clearing, stops complaining, and lets her mouth open in amazement) Oh.  
  
(We see the clearing they are looking at, and see what is so important about it. Many Men-looking very evil, clad in dark purples and with sashes over their faces, bearing many weapons-marching through the forest. There must be a good five hundred of them, wave after wave of them, marching on as if with no real clue as to where they are going. Then, we go back to the three travelers, obviously surprised by this recent development)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small whisper of fright) What are they?  
  
Jenolum: (Answering in a quiet hiss of fear) Wicked Men!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Curiously) You mean government agents?  
  
Jenolum: (Angrily) No! (Back to the quiet tone) They are evil Men, being gathered to Mordor, to answer the Eye's command. The Eye is making ready to build his army!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Quickly) Army? What army?  
  
Jenolum: (Frightened) To make his war! The war that will cover the world all in shadow.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Very serious at this point) We're running out of time! Come on, Kram, let's get out of here!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Seeing something and stopping Lizzo Baggins) Look, Miss Lizzo!  
  
(We see a great creature appear into the clearing, stepping with great strides that end in an ominous boom: they are oliphants, bearing many Wicked Men towards Mordor. As horrible as it looks, the hobbits look at the creatures with severe amazement)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Breathlessly) It's an oliphant! (Shaking her head in amazement) People at home are never gonna believe this! (In a dark tone) The bunch of jerks that they are!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins merely nods, looking very amazed by the scene. Jenolum doesn't look too happy, though. Without a word, she leaves the side of Lizzo Baggins-quivering as she goes. Pretty soon, she's nowhere to be seen. Sensing something awry, Lizzo Baggins looks to her side-her eyes widen as she realizes the Jenolum is gone)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a concerned whisper) Jenéagol? (Shrugs and continues to look at the clearing)  
  
(Then, something very odd happens. Many arrows fly through the clearing- none of them belonging to the Wicked Men. Wicked Men fall with shouts of pain before their last breath is spent. It is no question to the hobbits: the Wicked Men are under a full-fledged attack. They try to reach for their weapons, but it is in vain. We see members of the Army of Maramir hiding within the trees and shooting accurately down at the Wicked Men; from the trees we see a figure: Maramir, himself, shooting arrows at the army. Maramir looks almost exactly like Mikomir-but he doesn't wear glasses. Then, we see Maramir glance towards where the hobbits are, fully seeing them watching the battle. His face darkens as he sees the two intruders. Then, we see an oliphant begin to charge towards the hobbits' concealment. Kram Gamgee & Lizzo Baggins tense up in fear, but an arrow takes out the rider of the humongous creature, and he falls to the ground right behind Kram Gamgee)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shouting out in horror) Oh my GOD! Dear Lord! How many dead people am I gonna see on this trip?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Seriously) We've lingered here too long, Kram.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Sarcastically) You think?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Getting to her feet) Come on, Kram!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins makes a dash for the forest behind her, but Kram Gamgee doesn't follow immediately. Revolted by the dead body behind her, Kram Gamgee can't seem to find a way over it. Lizzo Baggins looks back towards Kram Gamgee and gives a sigh of dismay)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Urgently) Come on, Kram!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a frightened voice) Well, I'm sorry! I don't want to step on a dead body, Miss Lizzo!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Gesturing for her friend to get a move on it) Well-just jump over it, Kram!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Glaring at Lizzo Baggins) Miss Lizzo, look at me-do I look like I'm going to make a clean jump over this thing?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Kram, just push it aside with your foot or something! We've got to get out of here! Now come on!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins turns around and makes to dash away-but she runs right into Soldier of Maramir#1. She looks into the other's face in pure fear. The soldier makes to grab her, but Lizzo Baggins lets out a shout of fright, causing Kram Gamgee to look her way)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily, pulling out her sword) Hey! Get your hands off my friend, ya bugger!  
  
(But Lizzo Baggins has it under control; with one swift movement, Lizzo Baggins knees Soldier of Maramir#1 right in the crotch. Soldier of Maramir#1 crumples to the ground, holding his groined in agony)  
  
Soldier of Maramir#1: (In a small voice of agony) Ouch! You hit me right in the jewels! Right in the jewels! (He pulls out a bag of jewels from a nearby pocket of his pants) That really hurt my crotch, you nasty bugger!  
  
(At that moment, Soldiers of Maramir #2, 3, & 4 surround Lizzo Baggins. Despite her fear of dead bodies, Kram Gamgee makes a clean jump over the dead body behind her and makes to help her friend)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Valiantly) Don't worry, Miss Lizzo! I'll save you!  
  
(But before she can even get five feet to Lizzo Baggins, Soldier of Maramir#5 grasps Kram Gamgee by the back of her shirt and pulls her into a tight grip, causing the hobbit to drop her sword and shout out in fear)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a frightened, desperate voice) Run, Miss Lizzo! Save yourself!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins makes to break her way free from the soldiers around her, but they are able to contain her in no time-they take her sword from her and Soldiers of Maramir#2&4 each grasp an arm of Lizzo Baggins. The fighting suddenly subsides and everything goes quiet as a figure approaches the scene: Maramir. Lizzo Baggins looks at the figure as if looking into a blast from the past, and Kram Gamgee is just trying to remain still so that she won't get her throat cut. Maramir stares at the two hobbits in curiosity)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small, friendly voice) Uh-hey! How's it goin'?  
  
(Maramir glares at the two intruders-and Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee stare back at him. Finally, Kram Gamgee decides to break the silence)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a desperate tone) Hey! Don't hurt us! We're just some innocent travelers!  
  
Maramir: (Rather flatly) There are no travelers within the Forests of Ilithid; only intruders, and trouble-makers.  
  
Soldier of Maramir#4: (In an equally evil tone) And taggers-tons of taggers!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a bold voice) If you cannot trust us, what makes you believe we can trust you? How can we be so sure that you are not allies of the Dark Lord-slaves sent from the fortresses of Mordor?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In an uncomfortable tone) I think what my friend's trying to say is-!  
  
Maramir: (In a simple voice) That I am not to be trusted. What gives me the authority to speak of intruders when I may be one myself? Well, these days are accustomed to treachery and brain washing-what makes anybody really an enemy anymore? You do not think of a dead enemy before, but during these days you cannot help but ponder some. (Goes over, flips over the dead body, and stares into its face) You wonder who he was.where he came from.and if he really knew what he was doing? (In a bitter tone) This battle will make corpses of us all!  
  
Soldier of Maramir#3: (In a logical tone) Except those that move away from the fray-then they'll be cowards.  
  
Maramir: (In a simple tone to his men) Bind their hands.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Her face falling a bit at this) Well, nice to meet you too!  
  
(We see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look at one another desperately before the scene changes) 


	16. Scene Sixteen: Wargs!

Scene Sixteen  
  
(We now go back to the citizens fleeing from Edoras, heading towards Helm's Deep. They are now traveling through some dead grassland. We see Brimli sitting atop a horse, conversing intelligently to Erynwyn, who helps steady the reins for the Dwarf. Behind them ride Megolas & Jimagorn. Jimagorn watches Erynwyn blissfully, but right now we focus on Brimli's conversation with Erynwyn)  
  
Brimli: (In a logical tone) No, I suppose it is true that you don't see much of Dwarf women-I guess I'm one of the exceptions. They say that many Dwarf women are so much alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for Dwarf men.  
  
(Erynwyn looks wide-eyed at the Dwarf for a moment. Then, Brimli sees what Erynwyn is thinking and quickly assures her)  
  
Brimli: (In a low tone) I had a very burly mother, but a very girly father- once again, I'm one of the exceptions. (Going back to a more humorous subject) It is this opinion, however, that make many believe that there are no Dwarf women. That-Dwarfs just spring up from holes in the ground!  
  
(Erynwyn laughs heartily at this)  
  
Brimli: (Rolling her eyes simply) Which is, of course, ridiculous-everyone knows that those are Elves!  
  
Megolas: (In an annoyed voice) No, Brimli! Elves come from pea-pods! Hello!  
  
Brimli: (Agitated) Whatever! All right, Megolas! I won't say anything more of it. (Shakes her head slowly at Erynwyn)  
  
Erynwyn: (Laughing) Oh, Brimli! You're so funny!  
  
(Erynwyn laughs some more, and we see Jimagorn staring at the maiden. Erynwyn looks back at Jimagorn with a great smile. Jimagorn looks at Erynwyn with a great sense of longing-it is obvious that he likes her. Megolas scolds at Jimagorn)  
  
Megolas: (Firmly) I know what you're thinking, Jimagorn.  
  
Jimagorn: (Coming out of his daze) What, Megolas?  
  
Megolas: (Continuing her firm attitude) I know that you're thinking about Erynwyn, Jimagorn-and I just have to say that you have a lot of nerve! Narwen really loves you, and you're ogling at some chick from Edoras! You should be ashamed of yourself!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a defensive tone) You don't understand, Megolas! My life is really complicated. Before, it was nothing big! I didn't love anybody because I had nobody-well, except myself, and I did love myself; but now, everything's more complicated! Narwen came along and I really thought she was cool!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) You thought she was cool? What's that supposed to mean, exactly?  
  
Jimagorn: (Agitated) Let me finish, you ninny! Gees, you female Elves are so touchy about things! Anyways, I'm faced with a severe dilemma here, Megolas. On one hand, I've got Narwen, whose willing to give up her immortality just to be with me! But on the other hand-Erynwyn's got a nice butt! It's a hard decision! And besides, Erynwyn seems to really understand me! She fights with swords and shields-whereas, if I try to talk about battles with Narwen, she's always like, (In a very high-pitched, womanly voice) "You're bumming me out, Jimagorn!"  
  
Megolas: (In a serious tone) Well, this isn't a game, Jimagorn! This is love we're talkin' about here! You're going to have to listen to your heart in this one.  
  
Jimagorn: (In a simple tone) Yeah-you see, every time I try to listen to my heart about these things, I always hear a faint beating, then I realize how hot I am, and get totally off track. So-(Shrugs) I'm not guaranteeing any real satisfaction there.  
  
Megolas: (Irritably) Well, you've gotta choose somebody! Either Narwen or Erynwyn, but you cannot have both!  
  
Jimagorn: (A sly grin coming to his face) Or can I?  
  
Megolas: (Shocked) Jimagorn-!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a sensible voice) No, no, no! Just-think about it for a moment, Megolas! Just-think about it.  
  
(We see Jimagorn's face pull into a look of ecstasy, and we see his fantasy. In his fantasy, we see Jimagorn walk through the door to a mansion-like palace-he's very muscular and has a mustache; he is still donning the hair-flip. He lays down his sword and cracks his knuckles)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a very deep, masculine voice) Ladies-I'm home!  
  
(Immediately, Narwen & Erynwyn race to meet Jimagorn; both of them are batting their eyes and look severely taken with him)  
  
Narwen & Erynwyn: (In airy tones) Hi, Jimagorn! We missed you!  
  
Erynwyn: (In a very airy, tone to Narwen) I missed him more!  
  
Narwen: (In the same airy tone) I missed him mostest!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a modest tone, putting up his hands) Ladies! Ladies! I'm sure you both missed me! (Goes and sits in a very comfortable armchair, reclining back, and speaking to the girls) Say-which one of you fine foxes wants to take off my boots? I've had a long day of work, after all!  
  
Narwen: (Quickly raising her hand) I do! (Rushes to take off Jimagorn's boots)  
  
Erynwyn: (Crossing her arms and pouting) No fair! You got to take off his boots yesterday!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a stern tone) Now, Erynwyn, let's not be jealous! If you really want to, you can go into the kitchen and make me an egg sandwich.  
  
Erynwyn: (In a happy tone) Oh joy! I get to make Jimagorn a sandwich!  
  
(Erynwyn skips away to the kitchen merrily. Narwen takes off Jimagorn's boots. After she's done, Jimagorn lets out a sigh of relief and strokes his mustache)  
  
Jimagorn: (Patting Narwen on the head) Thanks, Narwen.you're a doll.  
  
Narwen: (Looking adoringly into Jimagorn's eyes) Jimagorn-I think you're so cool.  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small smile at Narwen) That's nice, Narwen.  
  
Narwen: (Sounding very seductive at the moment) I would do anything for you, Jimagorn.(Places a hand silkily upon Jimagorn's) and I do mean anything.  
  
(Getting her drift, Jimagorn quickly stands up, and moves away, brandishing his hands before him as if to say, "Whoa there!")  
  
Jimagorn: (In an awkward tone) Hold on there, Narwen! I think we're moving a bit too fast! You're just blinded by my severe sexiness and Erynwyn's will to have me!  
  
Narwen: (In a whiny voice as she gets to her feet) Well, how could I not? You're so sexy, and Erynwyn is right there and-!  
  
Jimagorn: (Moving back and speaking casually) I assure you, Narwen, that you've got nothing to worry about! Believe me, Narwen, there's no need to be worried!  
  
(Jimagorn turns around to see Erynwyn standing right there, clasping a bottle of hair gel in one hand, and an egg sandwich in the other)  
  
Erynwyn: (Brandishing the hair gel to Jimagorn and speaking seductively) Hair gel?  
  
Jimagorn: (Taking the hair gel and speaking with a sly smile upon his face) Hmm.decisions, decisions! (Erynwyn & Narwen giggle dumbly and rush to clasp Jimagorn upon a muscular arm. Smiling, Jimagorn pockets the hair gel and makes to eat the egg sandwich. Suddenly, there is a great SLAM as the door to the palace opens. The three look to the door and are surprised to see, standing in the doorframe-Megolas?)  
  
Jimagorn: (Dropping the sandwich in shock and speaking in surprise) Gees, Megolas, what on earth are you doing here?  
  
Megolas: (In a very sexy voice) Oh, Jimagorn, I tried to go back to the Woodland Realm, but I just couldn't-you're all I ever think about these days! I had to come back and tell you how much I love you!  
  
Jimagorn: (Still surprised) But-I thought you hated me!  
  
Megolas: (Giving an airy laugh and running up to Jimagorn) Oh, Jimagorn! That was just a mere façade to hide my true feelings for you! I was so overwhelmed by your sexiness, and your fondness of touching yourself that I had to avert my true feelings for you by acting very mean! Oh sure, I may act like I hate you, but really (Clutching Jimagorn's arm lovingly) I really want you!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a sly laugh) Well, you know what they say: "Three's a crowd- but the more the merrier am I!"  
  
(All four laugh stupidly at this)  
  
Megolas: (Airy) Oh, Jimagorn! You're so funny! (Flipping her curly, brown hair) I don't have a thought upon my curly, brown head!  
  
(All four laugh again, Jimagorn's being great, booming laughs of power)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a very longing tone) Oh, Jimagorn! I love you!  
  
Narwen: (In a whiny voice) I love him more!  
  
Megolas: (In the same whiny voice) Yeah-well, I love him enough to kill somebody!  
  
Jimagorn: (Laughing merrily and putting up his hands) Ladies! Ladies! Don't fight over me! There's plenty of me to go around! (After a slide, off to the side look) But.just in case, you might want to settle this in the mud-pit.  
  
Erynwyn, Narwen, & Megolas: (In cheery voices) YAY! The mud-pit!  
  
(All the ladies start laughing again, and Jimagorn looks quite ecstatic, stroking his mustache with one hand.hesitating.then beginning to stroke his chest instead. Then, we go back to reality, where the real Jimagorn sits atop his horse, nodding slowly and looking quite satisfied) Jimagorn: (Speaking off to the side with a shrug) What do ya think, Megolas?  
  
(We see Megolas' face, which is the most horrified, disgusted look anybody can plaster upon a mug. She looks speechless with disgust. Jimagorn looks rather bemused by this behavior)  
  
Megolas: (After staring for a long time at Jimagorn) That-is-the stupidest thing I had ever heard in my life! I can't even believe you would say something like that!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a sly tone) Well-didn't it turn you on?  
  
(Megolas gives a great shout of disgust, and has her horse trot from Jimagorn's side. For a moment, Jimagorn is left alone, then we see Megolas ride back to his side, looking very angry at the moment)  
  
Megolas: (In a threatening tone) And another thing: If you ever picture me in your sick fantasies again, I'm going to kick your ass to Gondor! (Rides away again)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting after her) All right! All right! I won't think about you in my fantasies-(In a low, sly tone as he touches himself) anymore. Heh, heh! (Brightly) But, seriously.Narwen or Erynwyn. (Gives a small laugh) Narwen or Erynwyn. (Becomes more serious as he says it) Narwen.or.Erynwyn. Narwen.Narwen.  
  
(We now experience a change in the scene. It is night-time and the people of Edoras have stopped to rest for the night. Jimagorn sits against a rock, looking restless, occasionally stroking himself fondly. We eventually hear the Voice of Narwen speaking in his memories)  
  
Voice of Narwen: (In a gentle voice) The light of the Evenstar does not wax nor wane.(In a demanding voice) so you better believe I'm not going to let you go any time soon! (In the gentle tone) It is mine to give to whomever I will.like my heart.(Back to the demanding tone) so don't lose it! (In the gentle tone) Go to sleep.  
  
(We see Jimagorn close his eyes, and then we see him lying upon a bench in Rivendell. He doesn't have the flip in his hair)  
  
Jimagorn: (Still sleeping) I am asleep.  
  
(Jimagorn opens his eyes, and smiles as he sees Narwen standing nearby. Narwen looks very happy to see him-yet, strangely grim)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a smile upon his face) This is a dream.  
  
Narwen: (With a great smile crossing her lips) Then it is a good dream.  
  
Jimagorn: (Grabbing a mirror, seeing that he doesn't have his flip, and his eyes widening) Who says?  
  
(Ignoring this, Narwen bends down, and kisses Jimagorn right on the lips. For a while, Jimagorn & Narwen just kiss, and finally, Narwen breaks away; she places her hand upon the other's face, gets up, and walks to a nearby window overlooking all of Rivendell. Jimagorn closes his eyes in peace again)  
  
Narwen: (In a soft tone) You know that my time is over, Jimagorn. You know in your heart that I cannot stay.  
  
(A snore answers her question, and Narwen looks back to see that Jimagorn is really sleeping, with his mouth open and everything)  
  
Narwen: (Irritably) Wake up, fool! I'm talking to you!  
  
Jimagorn: (Snapping awake) I'm up! I'm up! Whose up for Denny's?  
  
(Jimagorn looks at Narwen, who is looking out of the window again, maintaining her serious attitude. Jimagorn realizes the purpose of this dream and decides to speak, still lying down)  
  
Jimagorn: (Speaking in Elvish) You told me that this day would come.that I would have to choose.  
  
Narwen: (Looking back and speaking in Elvish) Your choice is already made.you must go with Lizzo, and walk down that path.  
  
Jimagorn: (His eyes widening as he speaks in Elvish) Are you suggesting I go out with Lizzo or something?  
  
Narwen: (Angrily in Elvish) No, you twit! (Speaking calmly in Elvish) What I mean is that your decisions are already made up-you must abide by them.  
  
(Jimagorn looks as if he is in deep thought, then he gets up, and joins Narwen by her side. He resumes looking out of the window grimly)  
  
Narwen: (In English) Besides, you have your own destinies to be fulfilled.  
  
Jimagorn: (Darkly) Damn destiny.what's it done for me, so far? Nothing but get me in trouble, it has!  
  
Narwen: (Desperately) That will change.I know it will! You have to be willing to let it change, Jimagorn. You have to have faith in this.  
  
Jimagorn: (Worried about the questions in his mind and deciding to speak of them) Narwen-!  
  
Narwen: (Silencing him with a hand upon his lips) This will keep us together.(Moves hand down to the Evenstar pendant) this is what matters to our bond.  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking into Narwen's eyes adoringly) Oh-you're so hot when you talk poetically!  
  
(Jimagorn & Narwen kiss passionately, overcome by their love for one another. Then, the scene changes, and we see Jimagorn walking with the rest of the fleet from Edoras. He is rather grim, wearing the Evenstar pendant out, looking like he's no idea where he's really going. Then, we hear Erynwyn speak besides him)  
  
Erynwyn: (Curious) Who is she?  
  
(Jimagorn quickly looks over at her curious face, wondering if he should really tell her this)  
  
Erynwyn: (More explanatory, nodding at the Evenstar pendant) The woman, who gave you that jewel?  
  
(Jimagorn remembers back to another time in Rivendell, this one grimmer than the other. We see Jimagorn standing before Noelrond, who looks very grim at the moment)  
  
Noelrond: (Seriously) The times are changing, Jimagorn. The time for the Elves is ending-Narwen's time is ending. Let her go. Let her go to the Westland, carrying her love for you there as well, there it will live forever green.  
  
Jimagorn: (Bitterly) But nothing more than a memory.  
  
Noelrond: (With a shrug) And is that a problem for you?  
  
(Jimagorn gives the other a very dark stare, and Noelrond looks quite angry)  
  
Noelrond: (In a very serious tone) I will not leave my daughter here to die!  
  
Jimagorn: (Exasperatedly) She stays because she still has hope-!  
  
Noelrond: (Angrily) She stays for you! She belongs with her people!  
  
(We see Jimagorn in Rivendell, quietly walking throughout the area, trying to keep from being overheard-but he is approached quickly by Narwen)  
  
Narwen: (In a very happy voice) Did you think you could walk away from me without giving me a good-bye kiss? Jimagorn: (With a sigh, not even turning to face her) That was my intent.  
  
Narwen: (Rather bemused by this) I'm sorry, Jimagorn?  
  
Jimagorn: (Still not turning to face her) There is a very good chance that we might not even make it back alive, Narwen.  
  
Narwen: (With a small laugh) Jimagorn, don't tell me you're nervous! You've participated in tons of battles-like the horrible riot at the local Carl's Junior! Remember when you fought your way through the crowd to get me the six-dollar burger? (Laughs) Those were good times. (Suddenly realizes that Jimagorn isn't saying much) Jimagorn, you're not laughing!  
  
Jimagorn: (Grimly) It is not the battle that I am worried about, Narwen-I'm pretty self-confident about that, after all. But it is something else.  
  
(Jimagorn slowly turns around to face Narwen, who is staring at Jimagorn, as he stands before her. He looks rather crestfallen about something-like he's dreading doing something. After a while, he speaks)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a sad, but desperate tone) You have hopes for a better life, Narwen. You can lead a life away from despair-war-grief-horrible long distance prices.  
  
Narwen: (Furrowing her brow in confusion) Why are you saying this?  
  
Jimagorn: (Taking a breath and speaking firmly) I'm mortal.you are Elf kind- one kind of outweighs the other.(Placing a hand on his chest) for when I die, Narwen, you will obviously be grief-stricken and kill yourself; (Shakes his head sadly) I don't want to be responsible for that!  
  
Narwen: (In a very shocked tone) What? So-you're breaking up with me? Oh, no you-! I thought-Jimagorn, you cannot-! (Angrily) See what you made me do, Jimagorn? You got me rambling like a madman!  
  
Jimagorn: (Sadly) Face it, Narwen.(Takes her hands) it wasn't meant to be.  
  
(Narwen looks very crestfallen and heartbroken; the one she loves is leaving her. Jimagorn looks very upset at what he has done. Jimagorn then pulls the Evenstar pendant from his pocket and holds it before Narwen to take)  
  
Jimagorn: (Grimly) I believe this belongs to you.  
  
Narwen: (With a grim smile as she speaks softly) It was a gift.(Folds the other's hand over the precious jewel, and speaks seriously) Keep it.  
  
(And with that, Narwen walks away, leaving Jimagorn alone to ponder at this new development. He stares at the Evenstar pendant for a long time)  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Great, now I've gotta carry this stupid thing around on my travels! It looks so girly on me!  
  
(We go back to the present day Jimagorn, who is looking off into space, then we hear a curious Erynwyn speak to him)  
  
Erynwyn: (Softly and curiously) My lord?  
  
(Jimagorn looks at the maiden and gives a small smile)  
  
Jimagorn: (Almost more to himself than to the maiden) She is sailing into the Valinor, with all that is left of her kin.  
  
(Erynwyn looks away, looking as though she has asked too much. Jimagorn doesn't say anything or look over at the maiden, but only stares off)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a small, awkward tone) So-does this mean that you two are broken up or something?  
  
(Jimagorn openly scolds at the other, and Erynwyn's eyes widen in disbelief)  
  
Erynwyn: (Wondering what the big deal is) What? I'm just asking!  
  
(We now see Commander Awry & Gama ride ahead of the group fleeing to Helm's Deep. Megolas is on a rock, overlooking the entire area, scouting the plains; you can tell by the look on her face that she is suspicious of the road ahead of her. We follow Commander Awry & Gama's ride for a while. Suddenly, Gama's horse rears back, whinnying in fright. Gama tries to calm the horse, looking around for anything dangerous at the same time. Commander Awry looks at the other with a raised eyebrow)  
  
Commander Awry: (Anxiously) What is it, Gama? What do you sense?  
  
Gama: (Irritably) How am I supposed to know? My horse's the one who felt it first! (Tries to calm the horse, and looking about warily) But as to what's out there, I've no clue.  
  
(Commander Awry & Gama look about, trying to spot the disturbance, but they can see nothing-in their vicinity, at least. But we suddenly see-sitting atop the hill the two Men are standing by-Warg Rider#1 watching the two silently. Suddenly, Warg Rider#1 clips his heels into his mount and it jumps towards the two Men. Gama gives a shout as the strange beast aims an attack right at him. Then, we see Megolas, who is walking by King Kevoden, look up sharply as she hears the sound of Gama screaming in pain. Immediately, Megolas darts to help the two Men. When she gets there, she immediately draws out her bow and arrow)  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) HEY! Want something else to bite on? Bite this!  
  
(Megolas shoots an arrow right at the creature's chest, and with a great roar, it plops over dead. Gama rolls off to the side, unspeakably dead. Megolas kicks the body of Warg Rider#1 over)  
  
Megolas: (Shouting back at the group) A SCOUT!  
  
(Commander Awry draws out his sword and rushes to the king's side)  
  
Commander Awry: (To the king) My lord, we are under attack!  
  
King Kevoden: (Shocked) What?  
  
Commander Awry: (Yelling quite loudly, making the king flinch) WE-ARE-UNDER- ATTACK!  
  
(The citizens of Edoras give out shouts of horror as they realize what's happening. Brimli, Jimagorn, & Erynwyn look up in alarm at the commander's words. King Kevoden looks quite disgruntled at the commander)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) I heard what you said, you ninny! I was merely expressing my shock! Commander Awry: (Furrowing his brow) Well, maybe if you would have told me that!  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) I shouldn't have to-Oh, well it doesn't matter now! (Yelling towards Megolas) Megolas, is our enemy in close range?  
  
(We see Megolas looking in the distance, which has many Warg Riders dashing towards them. She is wearing a look of shock as she yells back at King Kevoden)  
  
Megolas: (Awkwardly) Uh-yeah! You could say that!  
  
(Many of the citizens are petrified, not even speaking as they look to King Kevoden for guidance)  
  
King Kevoden: (Drawing his sword bravely) All right! All the soldiers and fighters make ready to attack the enemy right between the eyes! All of the women and children-run around screaming hysterically.  
  
(All of the citizens run around, screaming in horror as they try to find a way out of this situation. Suddenly, we hear a series of high-pitched screams. King Kevoden looks very frustrated)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) Jimagorn, I said all the "women and children" run around screaming hysterically!  
  
Commander Awry: (Yelling) All the troops, make ready to attack! Hurry now! Let's get a move on!  
  
(We see Erynwyn rush to a horse and start looking frantically for her sword. Then, we see Brimli try in vain to mount a horse properly)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Why don't these things come with steps; and haven't you guys ever heard of ponies? Gees!  
  
(Erynwyn gives a shout of joy as she grasps the hilt of her sword. But then, King Kevoden's hand grasps hers before she can draw out the weapon. Erynwyn looks incredulously at the king)  
  
Erynwyn: (Incredulously) My lord-!  
  
King Kevoden: (Seriously) Gather the group together and flee to Helm's Deep! We will clear the path as best as we can!  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) I went through over five years of sword's play training and all you're asking me to do is run away from everyone else?  
  
King Kevoden: (Firmly) I mean it, Erynwyn! We will meet you at the shelter in a few. Erynwyn: (Toughly) I can fight!  
  
King Kevoden: (Firmly shouting) NO! (Looks about anxiously and speaks rapidly) Do this-for me.(Bats his eyes at his niece) Please?  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) The puppy-dog look! You jerk-now I feel like the idiot!  
  
King Kevoden: (Seriously) Lead them on, Erynwyn. Go! GO!  
  
(Sourly, Erynwyn nods in agreement. Then, she moves away from her horse, causing King Kevoden to ride off on his to join the battle. The citizens are shouting and screaming hysterically-too blinded by horror to really think)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a firm shout) Everyone! Everyone! Citizens of Edoras!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#8: (Hysterically) We're all going to die! We're all going to die!  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) Excuse me!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#10: (Also hysterical) Where're my leg warmers? Who's seen my leg warmers? Oh God! I'm going to die without my leg warmers!  
  
(Agitated, Erynwyn whistles sharply, causing all the citizens to stop in their tracks and look at the maiden)  
  
Erynwyn: (Loudly and firmly) All right, you bunch of pansies! We make to Helm's Deep! Form a line and make it quick! Stay together! If you don't, I'll rip your arms off and beat you with them!  
  
(The citizens form a line and begin to make their way towards Helm's Deep. We see Jimagorn atop his horse look towards Erynwyn in amazement. Erynwyn gives Jimagorn a small smile; Jimagorn clips his heels into the sides of his horse and rides off to join the fray taking place. Speaking of which, the battle with the Warg Riders is awful. The Warg riders are quite fast and deadly, where they lack in brains, they make up for in pure ferocity. Megolas is shooting one after the other on foot, and we see many soldiers, led by King Kevoden, coming over the hill upon horseback; their swords are drawn and ready to fight. Different archers up front pull out their arrows and shoot at the intruders. Seeing Brimli on her horse, Megolas grabs the horse's reins and pulls herself up in a very artistic manner-obviously too artistic to be real. Brimli gives a derisive snort)  
  
Brimli: (Under her breath) Oh sure.that was real!  
  
(Megolas doesn't answer, resuming shooting arrows at the different Warg riders. Whether the fighters wish to live or die is unknown-all that is apparent is that they want to buy some time for the fleeing citizens. King Kevoden rides ahead of the group, Commander Awry at his side, and begins to slash at the Orcs upon their wolfish mounts. But the stealth of the Men is short-lived as many of their horses are shot with arrows, and they are forced to continue their fight upon foot. Seeing that the Men need extra help, Megolas jumps off of the horse, leaving the poor Brimli alone)  
  
Brimli: (Irritably shouting at the disappearing Elf) All right! Go ahead and just leave me here! Leave me here to fend for myself against these Warg freaks!  
  
Megolas: (Shouting back) Oh, stop shouting, Brimli! You're going to give yourself laryngitis! You'll be fine! You're a seasoned fighter! (Shoots an arrow at an approaching Orc, right between its eyes)  
  
Brimli: (Suddenly bursting with pride) Hey! You're right! If I can survive a Balrog in Moria with just an axe, I should be able to tackle a few Orcs! I'm a great fighter! I'm the best Dwarven fighter out there, in fact!  
  
(A stray arrow hits Brimli's horse, which crumples to the ground uselessly. Brimli shouts out as she flies from her mount and lands right on her back. For a while, she just lies there, her helmet slightly askew, and her eyes gazing up at the sky in a daze)  
  
Brimli: (In a dazed voice) Well-once I learn to pay attention more, I'll be the perfect Dwarven fighter out there!  
  
(A growling noise penetrates the sound, and Brimli sits bolt upright. We see a Warg rider looking right at the fallen Dwarf, and clenching its teeth in enticement-longing to taste the fresh meat of a Dwarf. Brimli quickly rearranges her helmet upon her head, stands upon her feet, and pulls out her axe threateningly. She stares at the Warg with no fear in her eyes)  
  
Brimli: (In a growling voice) You think you're better than me, bucko? Well, bring you're pretty face to my axe and I'll show you how much better you are!  
  
(The Warg launches itself at the Dwarf, and Brimli makes herself ready to fight it off. But before the beast can get five inches before Brimli, an arrow drops the Warg to the ground, where its body bowls over the surprised Dwarf. After giving an exclamation of surprise, Brimli looks to the side to see Megolas with her bow and arrow out, and she is pulling another out for safety measures. Megolas gives a small smile to the Dwarf)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) You ninny! I had that one!  
  
Megolas: (Frowning) It didn't look like you had it!  
  
Brimli: (Angrily, as she tries to shove the dead beast's body off her) Well- that one counts as mine!  
  
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes as she makes to move away to fight off some more Wargs) Dwarves!  
  
Brimli: (In a desperate tone to the Elf) Uh-Megolas! I need a little help here! (Tries to push the dead body off of her once more, to no avail) Dear lord! How can such a dumb animal be so heavy? What do they feed you- rocks?  
  
(Brimli continues to attempt pushing the body off of her so that she can actually get back to fighting)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Damn it! How could this possibly get any worse?  
  
(A growling sound is heard, and Brimli looks off to the side to see another Warg rider making its way over to the fallen Dwarf. Brimli's eyes go wide in astonishment)  
  
Brimli: (Frustrated) Oh-well, that's pretty sucky, right there!  
  
(As the new beast inches closer, Brimli makes to grab her fallen axe. But she can't grasp it by inches)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) What a time to have short arms, eh?  
  
(The Warg comes closer, with quicker strides, determined to end the Dwarf's life. Figuring that this is where her fight ends, Brimli closes her eyes to await the pain of the Warg. The Warg pounces towards her with a fierce roar, but drops down immediately as a broadsword flings into its chest during mid-leap. It falls dead-right on top of the carcass upon Brimli. Brimli gives a great shout as the wind is knocked out of her. She looks off to the side and sees Jimagorn looking at Brimli with a fearful expression)  
  
Jimagorn: (Anxiously) You all right, Brimli?  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) I'd be a lot better if I didn't have two, stinkin' Warg carcasses crushing the life out of me!  
  
Jimagorn: (Frustrated) Well-that's no way to congratulate the person who just saved your life!  
  
Brimli: (Sarcastically) Yeah, you're right, Jimagorn! Thanks for killing that Warg and having it land right on me! Gees! What do you guys not get about aiming away from the Dwarf?  
  
(Rolling his eyes, Jimagorn turns away from the scene. He sees an approaching Warg rider#2, its bow and arrow out and aiming right at King Kevoden. Immediately, Jimagorn grasps the side of the Warg rider's mount, and pulls himself upon the mount. Warg Rider#2 turns around and gives a great hiss as it realizes whom it is)  
  
Jimagorn: (Sarcastically) Hope you don't mind if I tag along?  
  
Warg Rider#2: (Angrily) Of course I mind! You know how many months I had to wait to get this Warg? Seven! And that's with insurance! You just come up and ride along as if it's no big-!  
  
Jimagorn: (Awkwardly) Uh-I was being sarcastic, you know.  
  
Warg Rider#2: (Understanding) Oh! Sorry, I'm not good with detecting emotions. (Viciously) But I can detect pain-want an example? (Grasps his arrow to stab Jimagorn with)  
  
Jimagorn: (Sarcastically) You first!  
  
(Jimagorn plunges his dagger right into the Orc's chest, and Warg Rider#2 screams in pain. With that being done, Jimagorn makes to jump off the Warg, but his shirtsleeve gets caught upon the saddle of the Warg. Jimagorn is being dragged away by the Warg. If that wasn't enough, Commander Awry shoots an arrow at the Warg, which drives the creature crazy. Jimagorn tries desperately to flee himself)  
  
Jimagorn: (Tugging upon the taut shirt sleeve) Damn my excellent sewing abilities! Damn them to hell!  
  
(We see the Warg Rider#2 go flying as his mount makes a great, awkward jump over some rocks. All that is left running is the Warg and the trapped Jimagorn. Seeing an upcoming cliff, Jimagorn struggles desperately to save himself, occasionally kicking the huge beast in the side. But the monster is only running faster, and pretty soon it collapses from the pain delivered by its wounds and exhaustion. But the monster rolls uselessly towards the cliff, and a single cry of shock escapes Jimagorn before he and the Warg tumble off the cliff-and out of sight. Now, we see Megolas fighting with a huge Orc-one arrow to the chest is all it takes for Megolas to win the fight. She gives a great sigh of satisfaction. Then, we hear Brimli speak nearby)  
  
Brimli: (In a strangled voice) Help me.please!  
  
(Megolas looks to the side and gives a great shout of dismay as she sees Brimli practically buried by three dead Wargs. Within five strides, Megolas is at her friend's side, pushing the Wargs off the Dwarf)  
  
Megolas: (As she huffs and puffs to get rid of the bodies) How long have you been under there, Brimli?  
  
Brimli: (Sits up when two of the carcasses have been removed) Let's see-I suppose it's been almost an hour-I did see some interesting cloud pictures though. (Rubs her ribs tenderly) Though, I may have strained my ribs a bit. (Winces as she touches a bruised spot) Ouch, that smarts!  
  
Megolas: (In an apologetic tone) I'm dreadfully sorry I wasn't able to help you sooner-I had to fight off so many Orcs; and practically baby sit King Kevoden. (In a very agitated tone to the Dwarf) When I asked him to draw his broadsword, it took him over five minutes to realize he had accidentally grabbed one of Commander Awry's weapons from his belt-and it wasn't even a weapon; it was a water bottle!  
  
Brimli: (With a simple wave) Ah-Men are a bunch of idiots; the kings are worse! (Takes a good look around her) Ugh-what a mess!  
  
(And indeed it is. The ground is littered with the bodies of many Wargs and their fallen riders; to make the matter worse, there are a few Men who have fallen. We see King Kevoden standing upon a rock, overlooking the sight-those Warg riders who are not dead are retreating over the hills, roaring like dogs who have been maliciously beaten. But King Kevoden looks upon the sight grimly-he doesn't like the amount of fallen Men. We see Commander Awry ride up to him)  
  
King Kevoden: (Not even looking at the Commander) Report, Awry.  
  
Commander Awry: (Proudly) Those Warg riders that are not dead are retreating back from whence they came. We have won, my lord!  
  
King Kevoden: (More to himself) But to what loss, my commander? How many more will die for the good of Rohan? How many more.?  
  
Commander Awry: (In a practical tone) I'm guessing about half-and those that don't die from grievous battle wounds will probably die from scurvy; cases are more common these days than in the second age, after all.  
  
(King Kevoden scowls openly at Commander Awry)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) You obviously don't know what symbolism is!  
  
Commander Awry: (Confused) Symba-what, now?  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) Oh, never mind!  
  
(We now see Megolas moving about the battle field, Brimli right behind her. Even thought the battle is over, both have weapons drawn; they obviously do not want to risk who is dead and who isn't. Megolas' face is etched in concern-somebody's missing)  
  
Megolas: (Shouting) Jimagorn! Jimagorn! (In a quieter tone to Brimli) Where is he?  
  
Brimli: (In a simple tone) Allow me, Megolas. (Breathes in and shouts very loudly) JIMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAGORRRRRRRRRRRNNNNN!  
  
(The field goes unnaturally quiet, and Megolas gives Brimli a wide-eyed stare. Brimli is merely looking about the field, as if she has done nothing more than call out somebody's name in a quiet manner. Finally, the Dwarf shrugs)  
  
Brimli: (In a bemused voice) No answer.(Looks to Megolas in a concerned way) I'm beginning to worry about him, Megolas. What if something happened to-?  
  
Megolas: (Cutting off the thought before it can finish) No, he's fine! He's somewhere around here. (Giving a great "tuh" of frustration) He's probably hiding underneath a horse in the fetal position, waiting for the battle to get over-or running a comb through that damned hair-flip of his! (Straightens the quiver on her back, and whispers her next thought) Still.  
  
(The Dwarf and the Elf make their way throughout the field, looking about for their friend. Although Megolas openly made fun of Jimagorn, she is concerned about him. She looks about nervously, as if expecting to find him wounded upon the field-or worse. They approach the cliff where Jimagorn has fallen-but they don't know this. They look about nervously. Then, Brimli looks off to the side as she hears a hissing laughter-a hissing laughter delivered by a dying Warg Rider#2. Megolas looks over as well, obviously disgusted by this. Brimli gives the Warg Rider#2 a suspicious eye and walks boldy over to him)  
  
Brimli: (In a growling voice as she raises her axe) Tell me what happened, and I'll ease your passing!  
  
Warg Rider#2: (In a hissing tone, gurgling on his own blood) Why would I want your sympathy, foul Dwarf?  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Isn't getting any easier!  
  
(We see King Kevoden & Commander Awry-who are scanning the field for survivors-join the new scene between the Elf, the Dwarf, and the Warg rider. Brimli looks very menacing at the moment)  
  
Brimli: (In an angry tone) Are you going to tell me what happened, or will I have to find out the hard way?  
  
Warg Rider#2: (Spitting the words out gleefully) He's-dead!  
  
(King Kevoden & Commander Awry look to one another, as if to ask one another telepathically if the Orc's words are true. Megolas' eyes go wide in shock at this statement. Brimli shows no sign of emotion, not wanting the laughing Orc to get to her. King Kevoden moves to the cliff's edge, followed closely by Commander Awry. Angrily, Megolas rushes to the side of the dead Orc, pulls him up by the front of his grubby tunic, and puts her face surprisingly close to the other's)  
  
Megolas: (In a determined, enraged whisper) You lie!  
  
Warg Rider#2: (Still laughing) Do I? I saw it with my own two eyes! You think I would lie when it comes to the death of an enemy?  
  
Megolas: (Shaking the other angrily) You LIE! You lie like a rug!  
  
(With that, Warg Rider#2 dies while laughing. Megolas releases her grip upon the dead Orc, disgusted by the other's actions and statements. Brimli nudges the body with her boot, to be sure it's really dead. Then, Megolas notices something-Warg Rider#2 is clenching something within his hand. Carefully, Megolas makes to pry the Orc's grip upon the object)  
  
Brimli: (Shocked) Megolas! Don't steal from people's corpses! Give 'em a little decency-wait till they're in the ground, at least!  
  
(But Megolas doesn't notice-she is too busy opening the dead Orc's hand. When she does, she quickly grasps what the Orc is holding. Afraid of what she may find, Megolas doesn't look immediately. Brimli looks up at the Elf with interest. Finally, Megolas opens her hand-and we see the Evenstar pendant lying delicately upon her palm. Quickly, Megolas clenches it to her hand and rushes to King Kevoden's & Commander Awry's side, followed shortly by Brimli. All four look down at a dangerous looking river awaiting the bottom of the cliff-there is no way anything could drop in there and come back out alive. A few feet away, lying upon an edge in the cliff, lies Jimagorn's cloak. We go back to the four companions, all staring hopelessly at the dangerous rapids-it seems as if all the hopes they had of finding Jimagorn alive are gone. Finally, King Kevoden sighs, and sheathes his sword)  
  
King Kevoden: (Loudly, so that other soldiers may hear) Get the wounded on horses-leave the dead.  
  
(Commander Awry rushes off to help in the deed, and Brimli slowly follows the other. Megolas is going nowhere-but she stares incredulously at King Kevoden; she obviously did not expect to give up so soon)  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) You're not proposing that we just leave him, are you?  
  
King Kevoden: (Despairingly) Megolas, when it comes right down to it, he is already far-gone.  
  
(Megolas still stares at the king as if expecting him to call off his actions, but he doesn't do anything. Megolas still clutches the jewel-all she has left of the lost Jimagorn. She stares down at the rapids, not really looking for anything, but perhaps hoping that it cannot be true. Feeling her pain, King Kevoden puts a hand upon her shoulder)  
  
King Kevoden: (In a very sympathetic tone) Come, Megolas.I've got some inspirational music we can listen to once we get to Helm's Deep.  
  
(Megolas doesn't move, looking as though she hasn't even heard. Finally, King Kevoden moves away, knowing that the Elf will follow eventually. Megolas stares at the rapids, the truth slowly sinking in: Jimagorn will not make it to Helm's Deep. Although it is quite traumatic, the Elf doesn't cry-perhaps, in her heart, she has the feeling that they may be wrong in the end) 


	17. Scene Seventeen: Helm's Deep

Scene Seventeen  
  
(We see the citizens of Edoras running towards Helm's Deep, each one exclaiming in joy at the safety hold. We see Erynwyn walking with the group, staring at Helm's Deep with a small, sneer)  
  
Citizen of Edoras#11: (In a very happy tone) Helm's Deep! Helm's Deep! (To Erynwyn) You've saved us, my Lady! (Rushes to join the other citizens)  
  
Erynwyn: (Quietly) Yay-a big, freakin' mountain where we get to spend our whole life in! Whoopee doo!  
  
(We see the citizens enter Helm's Deep gratefully. Helm's Deep is a large fortress within the mountains, easily able to hold the citizens of Edoras. The walls are made of rock and it is a rather large, strong fortress. It has a few parapets necessary for Men to fight in the keep-defending it is another story, however. Inside the keep, we see Erynwyn walking about, making sure that everybody is all right and everything is in order. Finally, she looks at an area where very few provisions are stacked)  
  
Erynwyn: (In a forlorn tone) Where are all the provisions?  
  
Citizen of Edoras#56: (With a shrug) We used most of them on the trek here!  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) You fools! Now we barely have any provisions left to last a month!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#56: (Wondering what the big deal is) Oh, come on! All we have to do is send some hunters outside and-!  
  
Erynwyn: (Agitated) We cannot go outside of Helm's Deep! It's too dangerous!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#56: (Thinking rather quickly) Well, then we'll ration our supplies!  
  
Erynwyn: (Crossing her arms stubbornly) There are too many! It will not work out!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#56: (Angrily) Then starve to death! See if I care! Gees!  
  
(And with that, Citizen of Edoras#56 walks away. Then, we see Matothain & Deeda running up to Westfold Mother)  
  
Deeda: (In an overjoyed tone) Mama!  
  
Westfold Mother: (Seeing her children and extending her arms in glee) DEEDA! MATOTHAIN! (Pulling both of her children into a tight embrace) Oh.I had almost given up hope! Did you two make it to Edoras all right?  
  
Matothain: (In a logical tone as he explains) Well, it was rocky-and it was a bit treacherous-and there was a brief consideration for cannibalism, but other than that, we made it there all right. But seriously, mama, you need to pack more than two sandwiches in our lunches-that got rather desperate!  
  
(After a while, we see King Kevoden and the few that are left of the fighting soldiers enter the keep on horseback. We hear Edoras Guard#3 shout out loudly)  
  
Edoras Guard#3: (For everyone in the keep to hear) Make way for the king! Make way for the king!  
  
(We see the soldiers ride throughout the keep, accidentally running over Citizen of Edoras#15. Citizen of Edorasf#15 is plastered the ground, obviously quite pummeled and about to die)  
  
Citizen of Edoras#15: (In a weak, disbelieving tone) Hey-I-thought I-was going-to die-due-to-complications-with-asthma!  
  
Edoras Guard#5: (With a shrug) We lied.  
  
(We go back to King Kevoden, who stops his horse in the square of the keep. We see Erynwyn appear from the crowd and rush to meet her uncle. She looks at who has come back, and her face falls)  
  
Erynwyn: (Forlorn) So few-so few of you have returned!  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily as he dismounts) Well, I'd like to see you battle a bunch of Warg riders and come back with a ton of numbers! (Firmly, but not as before) Our people are safe, and that is all that matters. A few of our number have perished for that cause. (Clears his throat) Now, if you excuse me, I've got a Hungry Man dinner aching to be eaten. (Licks his lips at the thought) Mmm.fried chicken and apple crisp.  
  
(King Kevoden moves away, and Erynwyn looks back at the soldiers. She is looking for somebody, a frown building upon her face as she doesn't see him. Slowly, Brimli approaches her grimly, her helmet off in respects)  
  
Brimli: (Grimly) My Lady.  
  
Erynwyn: (To the Dwarf simply) Lord Jimagorn-where is he?  
  
Brimli: (Tears building into her eyes as she says it) He fell!  
  
Erynwyn: (In a bemused tone) So-is he back on his horse again, or is he walking now?  
  
Brimli: (Blinking at Erynwyn) Uh-he fell!  
  
Erynwyn: (Irritably) I heard you the first time! So, did he fall from the social scale or something, because I thought that all that touching himself would cause many to frown!  
  
Brimli: (Throwing her helmet to the ground in agitation) Damn it, woman! Jimagorn fell off a cliff and now he's dead! I just said that, "He fell!" because it sounds a lot kinder than, "He's dead!" Gees!  
  
(Erynwyn's face pulls into a look of utmost shock, and she sits upon a nearby rock. She looks back towards King Kevoden, who looks back at her helplessly-his gaze is enough to confirm the truth. Erynwyn looks too shocked to really cry, sitting there, clutching the rock she sits upon as if it is a life preserver. Brimli moves away, probably to see if there is something else she can do to take her mind off the grief for a moment. Then, we see King Kevoden walking briskly throughout the keep, giving orders to an alert Commander Awry)  
  
King Kevoden: (Firmly) Make sure that nobody is out during the after hours! I want guards posted everywhere, and direct word when something happens! I don't want to be the last to know!  
  
Commander Awry: (Seriously) So-don't hold back, just let it go?  
  
King Kevoden: (Nodding) Exactly.  
  
Commander Awry: (To himself) I love that song!  
  
King Kevoden: (Still speaking) Make sure that there are enough provisions for the citizens to rely upon-we do not know how long we will have to be in here. Make sure that extra attention is given to the women, children, and the elderly. And make sure that the cable is hooked up and running.  
  
Commander Awry: (Furrowing his brow in confusion) What significance can that serve, my lord?  
  
King Kevoden: (With a shrug) Not much, really-I just don't want to miss my stories; I hear Guiding Light's gonna be awesome, this week!  
  
(We see the two pass by the main outer wall, where a small amount of water runs through an ironbound gate. As we look upon it, we hear the evil Voice of Nrima Wormfeces)  
  
Voice of Nrima Wormfeces: (Icily) Helm's Deep has one weakness, my liege. Its outer wall is made of solid rock, except for a small stream that flows through a gate that is made of iron-it will not stand for long.  
  
(We now go to Isengard, where we see Andraman standing at a stone basin, pouring a glass flask of black beads into the stone bowl. Nrima Wormfeces stands nearby, holding a candlestick cunningly)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Wonderingly) But how.how-?  
  
Andraman: (With a small smile) How can fire break through stone?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Shaking his head as he gazes into the stone bowl) No-how is moving those stones from that flask (Points to the glass flask) into this bowl (Points into the stone bowl) any different from its original?  
  
Andraman: (Answering as if this is obvious) It looks prettier this way!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Awkwardly changing the subject) Well-then, how can fire break through stone?  
  
Andraman: (Waving aside the matter as he moves out of the room) If the wall is breached, then Helm's Deep will fall.  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Following his master and contradicting him carefully) Even if the wall is breached, it would take hundreds-thousands-to storm the keep!  
  
Andraman: (With a small smile as he moves to his balcony) Tens of thousands!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Irritably) That's not any better! My lord, there is no such force!  
  
(They approach the balcony, where tens of thousands of Urak-hai Members are in battle formations below the plains. They give roars of recognition as they see Andraman. Nrima Wormfeces' mouth sags open as he stares in shock at the spectacle before him)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a small voice) Holy-poop on a stick!  
  
Andraman: (Powerfully speaking to the Urak-hai) A new power is rising! Its victory is at hand! Soon, the ground shall be stained with the blood of Rohan!  
  
(The Urak-hai give a great shout of glee at this. Andraman looks overjoyed at this)  
  
Andraman: (Shouting powerfully) TO W-!  
  
(Andraman stops speaking as Urak-hai Member#17 raises his hand timidly)  
  
Urak-hai Member#17: (Quite simply) Er-Andraman! We've got a problem! (Indicates Urak-hai Members#18&19, who stand nearby) We don't know where Helm's Deep is!  
  
Andraman: (Bemused) What? What do you mean you don't know where it is?  
  
Urak-hai Member#18: (With a shrug) We're new!  
  
Andraman: (Putting his hand to his forehead in frustration) Well-did you guys go to the orientation?  
  
Urak-hai Member#17: (Simply) We tried, but somebody lost our invitation!  
  
(Urak-hai Members#17&18 glare at Urak-hai Member#19, who stares back at the two angrily)  
  
Urak-hai Member#19: (Frustrated) Hey! It was on my desk the last time I checked! The next time I go to my quarters, it was gone! Somebody's stealing my stuff! Just yesterday, somebody took my rice-cakes!  
  
(We see Urak-hai Member#20 look extremely shifty-eyed as he munches on a rice cake in one hand, and crumples up a fancy invitation in the other. We then go back to Andraman, who pulls out a map of Middle Earth, shapes it into a paper airplane, and throws it down to the three confused Urak-hai Members)  
  
Andraman: (In a calm tone) That's a map of Middle Earth! Study it-memorize it! You should find Helm's Deep in no time! And if that fails you, just follow everybody else. Everybody does know where Helm's Deep is, right?  
  
All Urak-hai Members: YES!  
  
Andraman: (Nodding in satisfaction) Good. Now.(Shouting triumphantly again) TO WAR!  
  
(All the Urak-hai Members shout in joy as they imagine the prospect of fighting. We see a tear stroll down Nrima Wormfeces' face as he stares at the sheer number of the force. Andraman looks quite proud)  
  
Andraman: (Maliciously) There will be no dawn for Men.  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a matter-of-fact tone) Unless the Urak-hai gets there a few minutes before sunrise.  
  
Andraman: (Logically) Yes, but that is highly unlikely.  
  
(We see the Urak-hai Members marching throughout the plains, heading towards Helm's Deep, with their weapons drawn and the White Hand of Andraman plastered upon their banners. Then, the scene changes and we see Big Nuts strolling through the Fangorn Forest, Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck sitting peacefully upon his limbs. Rippin Took looks towards Isengard and frowns as she sees black smoke coming from the south distance)  
  
Rippin Took: (Bemused) Look! There's smoke rising to the south!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a very angry tone) There is always smoke rising to the south!  
  
Rippin Took: (Still confused) Is it field burning season or something?  
  
Big Nuts: (Sighing) No, but there is always smoke coming from Isengard.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Coming back out of her gaze) Isengard?  
  
Big Nuts: (Nodding) Yes. Andraman used to roam my woods all the time, seeking guidance and solace from the world-now he has a mind made of metal and his desires do not lie within the forests anymore.  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck climbs up the Ent, joining Rippin Took at the top, and looking towards Isengard with a forlorn expression on her face-they may already be out of time)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a scolding tone) I knew I should have given him a Chia Pet for his birthday last year!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Squinting towards the distance) What is that force coming from its borders?  
  
Big Nuts: (In a sad tone) It is Andraman's army, out to fulfill his evil deeds.  
  
Rippin Took: (Her mouth open in shock) Wait a second! (Points towards the distance) That's Andraman's army? Holy crap! We're all screwed!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a simple tone) Only if we let it do so, little hobbits. That is why, we must do something that has not been done in a long time.  
  
(Big Nuts turns about sharply, parading through the forest. Both hobbits look at one another curiously, wondering what this is leading to. Then, we see the Lorax on the forest floor, protesting loudly)  
  
Lorax: (In its loud tone) I am the Lorax; I speak for the trees! People from Isengard come and cut them down with ease! I speak for the creatures that lie in the wood! Cease your endless hacking, before the forest disappear for good!  
  
(Big Nuts walks right up to the Lorax, lifts his great leg, and stomps on the little creature. Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck look at each other in shock and look at the floor where the poor Lorax once stood)  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) And I speak for the Ents, I am called Big Nuts-and we all wish to say, shut the hell up! (Shaking his head and foot angrily) Dang tree-hugger-annoys me half to death!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a shocked tone) But-I thought you liked the Lorax!  
  
Big Nuts: (Agitated) What? I never liked that story! I wanted to read The Sneeches! But my mom was always saying, "No, Big Nuts! You'll like this one better!" Stupid Lorax! (Sighs contently) Well, that's one thing off my list.now for the other thing.  
  
(Big Nuts turns around sharply again, walking through the forest slowly, his strides measured and patient. Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck look at one another nervously)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Whispering to the other) What do you suppose he's going to do?  
  
Rippin Took: (In a small voice) I've no idea-but I can only hope that he liked The Cat In the Hat!  
  
(As Big Nuts passes through some trees, we see the Cat In the Hat peek around the trunk of a tree cautiously. Then, he rearranges his hat and skids away) 


	18. Scene Eighteen: Narwen's Vision

Scene Eighteen  
  
(We see the river at the end of the deadly rapids from where we left off in scene sixteen-we see an unconscious Jimagorn floating down the river. Barely alive, he washes upon the bank. He has a great gash upon his shoulder, and he look dreadfully battered)  
  
Jimagorn: (Talking in his sleep) Everything-is-beautiful-but-I'm so-sexy.  
  
(We close in on Jimagorn's face, maybe reading his thoughts. We suddenly see Narwen lying upon a couch in Rivendell, her face etched in concentration as she realizes what must be done. Then, we go back to Jimagorn's body by the river. Then, we see Narwen's face appear over his, smiling peacefully at him)  
  
Narwen: (In a very soft voice) May the grace of the Valar protect you.  
  
Jimagorn: (In a groggy tone) Chicken.  
  
(Ignoring this, Narwen softly kisses Jimagorn upon the lips. Slowly, Narwen's face disappears and is replaced with a horse's. Jimagorn slowly comes awake, still kissing the horse. At first, he gives a muffled cry of disgust, then shrugs his discomfort away, and proceeds to kiss the horse. The horse gives a great whinny of disgust and moves away. Jimagorn fully opens his eyes and slowly sits up. Then, of all the things he could do, he pulls out a mirror and looks at himself)  
  
Jimagorn: (Groggily) Face still sexy-probably more so now that it has a tinge of rugged manliness to it. Must get back to Helm's Deep-must rearrange hair!  
  
(Weakly, Jimagorn grasps the saddle of the horse and pulls himself onto it- only to fall off on the other side)  
  
Jimagorn: (Weakly) I'm okay.  
  
(Eventually, Jimagorn does get on the horse, for we see him riding weakly on the plains towards Helm's Deep, with the sun at his back; he looks very horrible, but alive, nonetheless. Now we see Narwen in Rivendell, resting upon the couch, smiling now that her love is safe; though, somewhat strange. Then, we hear Noelrond speak from the doorframe in Elvish, and Narwen sits bolt upright to look at her father)  
  
Noelrond: (Speaking firmly in Elvish) Narwen, it is time. The ships are sailing to the Valinor! Go now, before it is too late!  
  
Narwen: (In firm English) I've made my choice!  
  
Noelrond: (Stepping into the room, and also speaking in firm English) Now, you listen to me-Jimagorn is not coming back!  
  
Narwen: (Crossing her arms stubbornly) Oh, daddy! Why must you be so pessimistic?  
  
Noelrond: (Angrily) Because it is the truth, Narwen! Jimagorn will not survive out there! You don't understand-!  
  
Narwen: (Angrily) No! You don't understand! I love Jimagorn and always will! What kind of a person would I be if I just got up and left him?  
  
Noelrond: (Sarcastically) Oh-I don't know: a smart one!  
  
Narwen: (Stubbornly) Forget it, daddy! I'm staying here, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind!  
  
(With that, Narwen looks away from her father. Sighing, Noelrond sits next to his daughter, takes her hands, and looks at her desperately)  
  
Noelrond: (In a forlorn tone) I thought I wouldn't have to use this method, but.(Takes a breath before continuing) if you come with us into the West- I'll buy you a lollipop.  
  
Narwen: (Looking at her father with wide, excited eyes) The big ones that taste like pineapples and cherries?  
  
Noelrond: (A smile coming to his lips) Only the best for my girl.  
  
Narwen: (Thinking it over) Well, in that case.(Suddenly shaking her head as she remembers something) I mean, no! No! (Pulls her hands away from her father's and speaks angrily) No! I've decided, father! I'm staying!  
  
Noelrond: (Getting up, moving away from his daughter, and speaking angrily) Why are you being so damned stubborn? Don't you understand what's going on out there? You will not be safe here! Why do you linger here when there is no hope?  
  
Narwen: (Looking at her father and speaking in a whisper) There is still hope.  
  
(Noelrond looks at his daughter, obviously surprised at the determination in his daughter. Narwen sits upon the couch, looking like she's not going to move even if you pried her from the seat. Noelrond realizes that he's not going to be able to sway his daughter so easily-but he is also an Elf, and capable of shrewd cunning. He soon formulates a plan to convince his daughter for what is best-what is best for her, at least)  
  
Noelrond: (Speaking rather blankly, not even looking at her as he moves about the room) And what will happen when all of this is over? What if the world is saved, Jimagorn becomes king, and all that you hope for comes true? Why, everything may be much happier for you, and you and Jimagorn shall live happily ever after, right?  
  
Narwen: (Awkwardly) Well-yeah. Noelrond: (Quickly sits next to his daughter and shouts his word) WRONG! (Speaking quite maliciously) Everything will be misery, (Camera comes a little closer to his face) death, (Camera closes in on his narrowing eyes) and cellular phones!  
  
Narwen: (Moves away from her estranged father) Father, that is a horrible thing to say!  
  
Noelrond: (Getting to his feet and speaking seriously) Well, my daughter, that is your fate! Even if everything you hope for comes true, you will have to linger here, and taste the bitterness of mortality.  
  
(We see the camera close in on Narwen's face as she imagines it-we hear Noelrond speak)  
  
Voice of Noelrond: (Seriously) Whether by the end of a sword or the slow decay of time, Jimagorn shall die.and you will be there to witness it.  
  
(We see what Narwen is imagining at this point. We see her future self, dressed in mourning clothes, and she stands near a deceased, severely aged Jimagorn. He is decked out in royalty garments, and he grasps a sword in one hand-while the other clasps his chest. Narwen's future self is crying silently, and we see different mourners walk by her without even acknowledging her)  
  
Voice of Noelrond: (Blankly) .and nobody will be there to comfort you- nobody to assure you that your life will be made full again-(In a matter-of- fact tone) Well, except for the in-laws, and they don't really like you anyways! (Blankly again) Jimagorn will go on to be a legend, his tales and feats etched in stone, ever preserving him for the world to remember.  
  
(We see Jimagorn's deceased body replaced with a stone statue, and nearby, Narwen's future self still lingers, the wind billowing through her black mourning apparel. Narwen's face is devoid of color-all beauty and happiness gone along with the years that have passed)  
  
Voice of Noelrond: (Sympathetically) But you, my daughter, will linger forever. Nobody will remember you-no matter who you are. You will eventually fade from memory-as night in winter comes without a star, you shall wander the world with no hope in finding reprieve from your emotions.  
  
(We see Narwen's future self walking through the forests, the leaves falling upon her black garments as she wanders with no clear idea as to where she goes. And still, the Voice of Noelrond preaches on)  
  
Voice of Noelrond: (Warning) You shall wander aimlessly, seeking comfort that shall not come-hope that cannot exist. Nobody will come to you when you call. You shall wallow in the fields of your own depression until the long years of your life are utterly spent! (We now come back to the present-day Narwen, who has tears running down her face as she imagines the horror of it all. We hear Noelrond speak, and Narwen turns to him)  
  
Noelrond: (In a sympathetic tone) Narwen, there is nothing for you here- only death.  
  
Narwen: (Still crying as she speaks) Oh, daddy! Why did you have to show me that? That was horrible!  
  
Noelrond: (With a scowl) Well, what did you expect your fate to be like, Narwen? Did you think it would be full of gumdrop houses, leprechauns, and rainbows?  
  
Narwen: (Wiping her eyes) No! I'm a practical person-I expected a unicorn to be in there, somewhere!  
  
Noelrond: (Choosing to ignore this) But Narwen, don't you understand it all? Your fate is not a pleasant one. But it does not have to be that way. (He sits next to his daughter) Narwen, come with us into the Valinor- be with your kind and away from the misery that threatens to engulf you.  
  
(Narwen looks at her father, the tears still flowing down her face. Noelrond smiles softly at his daughter)  
  
Noelrond: (In soft Elvish) In the end, do I not also have your love?  
  
Narwen: (Crying, in soft Elvish) You always have my love, father! (She places her head upon Noelrond's shoulder and cries softly for a while before speaking again, rather stubbornly) But I would just like to say that that's a rather unfair question!  
  
Noelrond: (With a shrug) It was necessary.  
  
(Noelrond strokes his daughter's hair, to comfort her and reassure her that this is for the best. Then, we see the fleet of Rivendell Elves leaving Rivendell behind and heading for the ports that will take them to the West. We see Rivendell Elf Man look at his wife, Rivendell Elf Woman)  
  
Rivendell Elf Man: (Whispering) Er-did I turn off the stove before we left?  
  
Rivendell Elf Woman: (Shrugging) Let the insurance take care of it!  
  
(Within the group, we see Narwen-in her traveling cloak, the hood drawn- walking slowly with the group. She looks grim that she must leave Middle Earth-but also torn at the prospect of what awaits her in Valinor and what misery and woe awaits her in Middle Earth if she stays behind. To reassure herself, Narwen looks towards her old house, and sees Noelrond standing upon the balcony. He nods at his daughter, seeing the hesitation in her eyes. Narwen turns away and proceeds with the group. Satisfied, Noelrond walks into his house and makes to grab his stuff and join the group, but stops as he hears Lady Ashdriel speak to him from Loríen; she is speaking the words of the dreaded hymn of the One Movie of Power)  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: The times are changing.the Elves fade away like the leaves upon the trees-leaving behind a world of misery and pain, hoping to find a better way of life. But consider this, Noelrond of Rivendell.  
  
(We see Andraman waving one hand over the Palantir while the other one holds a tuna sandwich, which he munches on occasionally. Pretty soon, we see the Eye of Jauron in Mordor)  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: Jauron shall use his puppet Andraman to build him an army that will annihilate all of the Men of Rohan; without Rohan, the arm of strength for Man shall perish. Jauron is making his plans to take over Middle Earth.  
  
(We see the Eye of Jauron singing stupidly in his tower of Barad-dûr)  
  
Eye of Jauron: Hum-dee-hum! Hum-dee-hum! Coverin' the world in sha-dow! La-la-la! Lo-lo-lo! Eat some chicken and hope for snow!  
  
(We then see the Eye of Jauron turn towards Gondor)  
  
Eye of Jauron: Hello, hello.  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: Jauron now turns his eye to Gondor, (Practically) Which isn't that hard to do, on account that it's just a huge eyeball and all he-well, I'll get into that later. (Dramatically) He senses that the Movie is close.  
  
(We now see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee-blindfolded-being led by Maramir's Army. The hobbits are bound by their hands, and they seem rather uncomfortable, which isn't so much of a surprise, considering their blindfolds are practically smothering them)  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: The Movie struggles to free itself from its bearer.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a muffled voice) I-can't-BREATHE!  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: (Sadly) This quest shall take her life.you know this, Noelrond. You have foreseen it.  
  
(We see Noelrond nod curtly; he's seen it, but he doesn't wish to believe it. Then, we go back to Maramir's Army, and eventually see Maramir himself, looking about the forest as if expecting to jump out and attack them. We hear Lady Ashdriel speak again)  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: The Movie of Power has but to put itself in the hands of Men-who are so easily seduced by its power.(In an annoyed tone) I swear! What is it with Men and shiny things? When Jimagorn came over, he couldn't keep his eyes off my silver spoons! Gees! Anyways, (Resuming dramatic tone) it is Men who are easily fooled by the Movie's power-filled with hopes and fantasies they believe shall be provided by the object-only to be surprised and led to their untimely end.  
  
(As Lady Ashdriel speaks, we see Men of Maramir's Army pick up Lizzo Baggins and pass her into the forbidden fortress that is their domain. Soldier of Maramir#7 makes to pick up Kram Gamgee easily, but to no avail- he is pretty skinny, after all. He strains after a while, but finally heaves the hobbit over his shoulder)  
  
Soldier of Maramir#7: (Huffing and puffing) Sorry guys-this one's rather heavy, after all.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a muffled voice through her blindfold) Hey! It's rotund to you, buddy!  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: All we can hope for is that Lizzo Baggins is successful in her mission to destroy the Movie of Power; for if she fails, Jauron shall gain control over all of Middle Earth, covering everything in darkness. He shall own everything upon Middle Earth-even unto the ending of the world.(Practically) which is a pretty long time, if you think about it.  
  
(We see Noelrond in Rivendell, leaning against a chair in worriment. Of all the Councils he has had, of all the thoughts he has pondered, he had never thought of failure. Now it is as apparent to him as if it were really happening. Then, he realizes the horrible truth-it could happen, if everything he hoped for were to fall like dominos)  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: The time of the Elves is over.do we leave the rest of Middle Earth to stand alone?  
  
Noelrond: (After contemplating the thought for a while) You know, I'd love to help, but I've got this ship to catch! And if I miss it, well, it'll be pretty strange-!  
  
Voice of Lady Ashdriel: (Snippy) Oh, just send reinforcements you freakin' ninny! You're about the fifth Elven colony to give me that pitiful excuse about "fleeing to the West"!  
  
Noelrond: (Angrily) Fine! Fine! Keep your top on! Gees! 


	19. Scene Nineteen: Maramir's Army

Scene Nineteen  
  
(We are now at the fortress of Maramir's Army; we are in a library type area, though there are hardly any books there. We see Nichola, Finnegan, & Ristor looking about for maps. Finnegan & Ristor are of medium build, both donning many battle scars. Nichola is the only girl in the entire army, but her scars show as much experience as the rest of them. As Nichola pulls a few scrolls from a shelf, Maramir walks in the library)  
  
Maramir: (Quickly) What've you got?  
  
Nichola: (Placing the scrolls upon the table) Rumors have been flying about- too many to be considered as false. Times like these call for desperate measures-and maps are our keys to finding our reprieve.  
  
(Maramir rolls out one of the scrolls and frowns down at it)  
  
Maramir: (Angrily) This isn't a map of Middle Earth! This is a map of the gay part of Middle Earth!  
  
Finnegan: (Awkwardly laughing as he scoops up the map) What? Oh! How did that get there? Heh! Heh! I've gotta give those boys a talkin' to, I do! Heh! Heh! (Slowly folds up the map and carefully places it in his back pocket)  
  
(Nichola unfurles another scroll for Maramir)  
  
Nichola: (Seriously) Here's a map, Maramir!  
  
Maramir: (Frowns at the map) This map has been written during another age! I cannot read it!  
  
Nichola: (Practically) That's because it's upside down.  
  
(Nichola turns the map over for Maramir. Finnegan & Ristor stare intentionally at the map)  
  
Maramir: (To himself as he points at the map) Okay, so here's (Points towards Mordor) Mordor-  
  
Ristor: (Raising an eyebrow) Wait a moment! I thought Mordor was over here! (Points towards the Northwest portion of the map)  
  
Nichola: (Quickly) No.we turned it right side up.  
  
Ristor: (Nodding in understanding) Oh! Okay!  
  
Maramir: (To Nichola) What've you found out? Nichola: (Quickly, pointing towards the map when it is needed) My scouts have seen different Orcs patrolling the forests-today's raid party was no different than the countless others we have seen. Word has it that Jauron's got tons of Orcs behind the Black Gate.  
  
Maramir: (Nodding, placing his hand upon his chin) How many?  
  
Nichola: (Shaking her head at the possibility) Thousands-more come out every day.  
  
Ristor: (In a simple tone) Well, that sucks.  
  
Maramir: (Bewildered) So-Andraman attacks from Isengard.(He points at Isengard) and Jauron from Mordor.(Points at Mordor)  
  
(Camera pulls out to see the country of Gondor right between the two-Gondor is unmistakably next)  
  
Maramir: (Practically) Of all the places we could've founded Gondor, that had to be one of them!  
  
Finnegan: (Defensively) Hey! It seemed like the perfect opportunity at the time.(In a defeated tone) until the Walgreens closed down.  
  
Maramir: (Simply) Odds are that Jauron shall strike at Osgiliath.Gondor is weak. He will wait until later to batter our defenses. (Looks to Finnegan & Ristor) Place your Guard on watch, just as an extra precaution.  
  
Nichola: (Rather angrily) Uh, excuse me! You forgot something! How come whenever we're in a war-type situation, you always turn to Ristor and Finnegan? How come you never give me orders?  
  
Maramir: (Simply) Because you're in charge of the scouts and hunters! Finnegan is Commander of our forces and Ristor is his lieutenant; they're in charge of military actions!  
  
Nichola: (After a while of silence) How come I'm not in charge of military actions? How come I'm stuck with scouts and hunters?  
  
Ristor: (Agitated) Ah no! Not this again!  
  
Nichola: (Getting to her feet and protesting) You know what I think this is? I think this is just a severely pompous, discriminating case of male dominance! It's always the men who get to do everything! And the women are given the short end of everything! I'm tired of this!  
  
Maramir: (Rolling his eyes) Nichola, you're being really stupid! Nichola: (Angrily, pointing at Maramir) Oh, so now I'm stupid, because I'm a woman!  
  
Maramir: (Angrily) No, you're stupid because you're acting like a major crap-head! Knock it off!  
  
Nichola: (With a derisive snort) HA! I'll knock it off when you knock it off! One of these days, Maramir! One of these days!  
  
(And with that, Nichola exits the room. Ristor & Finnegan look at one another with open scowls)  
  
Ristor: (Whispering) P.M.S?  
  
Finnegan: (Rolling his eyes) Either that or she's still clinging to that stupid lecture those feminists gave when they came here!  
  
Maramir: (Looking at Ristor & Finnegan) Remember to keep your patrols on alert, men. I wish to know the slightest disturbance throughout the forest.  
  
Ristor: (Practically) Maramir, we're going to need help! We've only got a few hundred on our side! Without the help of Rohan-!  
  
Maramir: (Irritably) Rohan has never come to our aid before-what makes you so sure they shall do so, now! The Elves are leaving Middle Earth, and the Dwarves are-are-(Thinks about it for a moment) Where the hell are the Dwarves, anyways?  
  
Ristor: (Looking at Finnegan and shrugging) I've no idea!  
  
Maramir: (Back on the subject) We're going to have to fight this on our own. The question is-with what?  
  
(We now see somebody lift the blindfold off of Lizzo Baggins, who breathes in and out with relief. Kram Gamgee is right next to her, and they both look around curiously. They are in a room that seems to be carved from a cave or something-in the background, we see members of Maramir's Army walking about, doing something that needs to be done; there is also a waterfall flowing delicately from the entranceway of the cave. As frightened as they are, the hobbits can't help but be amazed)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Curiously) What is this place?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably) Do I look like a sign?  
  
(We see Maramir appear from an entranceway within the cave. The hobbits look upon him cautiously, not knowing what he's planning to do. But both hobbits are surprised when the Man smiles warmly at them)  
  
Maramir: (Puffing his chest out indignantly) Greetings, small ones!  
  
(Both hobbits still look cautiously at this Man-not really trusting themselves to believe that he's going to be super-nice to them. Maramir laughs heartily)  
  
Maramir: (Proudly) Stand up, little ones! Nobody obliged you to sit upon a hard rock all day!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Jumping to her feet immediately and rubbing her bottom) Oh, that's a relief! That rock you guy's got is really jagged!  
  
(Slowly, Lizzo Baggins stands as well, but not without looking right into Maramir's eyes. For some reason, Lizzo Baggins looks upon Maramir as if dawned by a sudden recognition-a figure of the past that has been altered just slightly; but as to whom it could be, she has no idea. Maramir notices the other looking at him and smiles)  
  
Maramir: (Smiling) And who might you be, little one?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (After thinking about it for a moment) I believe-given the circumstances-I am entitled to ask you first.  
  
Maramir: (With a small laugh) Circumstances? What circumstances do you imply?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a scowl) Where should I start-the sneaking up on us or the attempted smothering of us with blindfolds?  
  
Maramir: (With another small laugh) All right, little one! I am Maramir, the Captain of Maramir's Army.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Raising an eyebrow) Maramir's army?  
  
Maramir: (Proudly) One of the finest armies to rebel against Gondor!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Curiously) What does your army protect?  
  
Maramir: (With a shrug) Gondor.  
  
(The hobbits blink at Maramir)  
  
Maramir: (His smile wavering just slightly) We're on a tight budget. (Deciding to change the subject) So-what do you two think of my army's domain?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking about the place casually, trying to shield her amazement) It's quite nice, Mr. Maramir.  
  
Maramir: (Laughing slightly) Please! Don't call me Mr. Maramir; it's too formal! Call me Captain Maramir.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Her brow furrowing) Isn't that also formal?  
  
Maramir: (With another shrug) Well-"captain" sounds a lot cooler than the commonly used term "mister". (Rolls his eyes) But anyways, come and have a look around at our compound! This is the place where Men are able to turn into soldiers with extensive training-and have a bit of fun along the way! I believe you will be quite pleased!  
  
(Maramir leads the two hobbits into the cave, where he approaches an area where it seems like a lounge. There are few Men here, but those that are there are sitting or sleeping against the wall; some are talking to one another in quiet tones)  
  
Maramir: (Proudly) This is the lounge, where our Men can unwind after a hard day! They are ever alert to await new duties, however!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Noticing the snoozing soldiers) Looks like some of them are taking a bit of a nap, eh?  
  
Maramir: (Shocked) What? Nonsense! My men are merely resting after a hard day-contemplating their battle techniques and, no doubt, formulating new ones!  
  
(We hear Soldier of Maramir#8-who is one of the Men sitting against the wall sleeping-give a great snore. Maramir, Lizzo Baggins, & Kram Gamgee look at the sleeping Man, then at one another)  
  
Maramir: (In a defensive voice) I know what you are thinking, little ones, and I assure you that it is an unnecessary thought! My men are seasoned fighters! They are as tough as nails and strong as steel!  
  
(Suddenly, we hear a flamboyant sounding Soldier of Maramir#9 shout out)  
  
Soldier of Maramir#9: MARAMIR!  
  
(Soldier of Maramir#9 runs in a very girly manner towards Maramir, followed next by an equally girly Soldier of Maramir#10; both Men pay no heed to the hobbits nearby)  
  
Soldier of Maramir#9: (In his flamboyant voice, pointing angrily towards Soldier of Maramir#10) He pushed me!  
  
Soldier of Maramir#10: (In his flamboyant voice, defensively) Yeah-well, he called me a dirty name!  
  
Soldier of Maramir#9: (To Soldier of Maramir#10) Well, that's because you made fun of my tea-cozies! Soldier of Maramir#10: (Putting his hands upon his hips) Hey! They looked like ducks! How was I supposed to know that they were suns?  
  
Soldier of Maramir#9: (Angrily shoving the other Man) Crap-head!  
  
Soldier of Maramir#10: (Angrily shoving back) Take that back!  
  
(The two soldiers begin to slap at one another in a girly type fashion. Finally, Maramir breaks up the two)  
  
Maramir: (Loudly) Guys! GUYS!  
  
(Both soldiers look at Maramir, who clears his throat)  
  
Maramir: (Calmly) Now.I want you two to look into each other's eyes and tell each other that you love one another! Do it!  
  
(Soldiers of Maramir#9&10 look into each other's eyes-then all of the anger and frustration is washed away)  
  
Soldier of Maramir#10: (In an apologetic tone) I'm so sorry, man! I didn't mean to be a jerk!  
  
Soldier of Maramir#9: (In the same apologetic tone) No, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have over-reacted like that!  
  
(The two clasp hands)  
  
Soldier of Maramir#10: (In a cheery voice) Now, let's go play hopscotch!  
  
Soldier of Maramir#9: (In the same cheery tone) All right! But I warn you: I have weak ankles!  
  
(With that, both soldiers disappear off to the side, and Maramir is left with the two hobbits. Maramir looks severely boastful about what he has done-Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look at one another awkwardly)  
  
Maramir: (Proudly) Well, what do you think?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With an awkward tone) Er-you sure do stress the point of love.  
  
Maramir: (Waving his hand as if this isn't a big deal) Well, if an army is to work together, they must have a keen tolerance of one another! I make it a point to spread platonic love throughout my army, so that everybody tolerates one another, and some are not left in the crowd. It builds character and strength.  
  
(Maramir begins to walk from the lounge; the hobbits following close behind)  
  
Maramir: (Darkly as he enters the next room) Though-some people like to abuse the privilege; or don't even use it at all!  
  
(He indicates the room around him, where many Men are on their knees, their hands behind their heads, and looking at the wall. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look at one another awkwardly again)  
  
Maramir: (Darkly) This is our disciplining area. Some armies apply discipline by suspending that individual that started the incident, or beating him without mercy! But I apply a much more horrible method of discipline.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Raising her eyebrows in disbelief at Maramir) Which is.?  
  
Maramir: (Darkly) I leave the Men alone to their thoughts. They are confined to this single task of staring at the wall, destined to think of their crime for as long as I deem it necessary.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Curiously) And how long do you believe it to be necessary Mister-I mean-Captain Maramir?  
  
Maramir: (Simply) Oh! It can be any time at all! (Goes to Soldier of Maramir#11) This one's been here for five hours. (Goes to Soldier of Maramir#12) This one's been here for one day. (Goes to Soldier of Maramir#13) This one's been here for a week. (Goes over to a skeleton, but doesn't really notice it) This one's been.(Looks down and his face drops as he sees the skeleton) Oh.well.(Kicks the skeleton's bones off to the side) Well, I think that's pretty self explanatory.  
  
Soldier of Maramir#13: (Angrily) This is stupid! I've been sitting in the same position for over a week and I still know I haven't done anything wrong! I don't deserve to be here!  
  
Maramir: (Sternly) Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you pulled the fire alarm, eh?  
  
Soldier of Maramir#13: (Irritably) Can't I at least walk around a bit?  
  
Maramir: (Angrily) You want me to add another week for you, 'cus I'll do it! So help me Gondor, I'll do it!  
  
(Soldier of Maramir#13 turns back to the wall, mumbling angrily. Rolling his eyes, Maramir looks at the two hobbits, who don't really know what to say about this. Maramir leads them into another area of the cave, which is empty at this point)  
  
Maramir: (In a boastful voice) So, what do you two think about my men? (Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look at one another awkwardly-what else is there to say?)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Clears her throat and gives a small smile) It's nice.  
  
Maramir: (His face falling slightly) But.?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Scratching the back of her neck nervously) But.given the circumstances-and I'm not saying anything bad about your techniques! But, wouldn't you expect-I mean to say, in a practical tone.I mean to say-Oh, dear.  
  
Maramir: (Getting the idea and nodding slowly) Ah.you believe the Men to be frail?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Quickly) Well-not necessarily! What I mean is-!  
  
Maramir: (Irritably) I think I know what you mean, little one! Many believe the same as well; that's why we don't have a bunch of visitors roaming our forests! You judge the strength of my Men-before you can even get to know them! Well, let me tell you something, little one: these are not some peasants that lumber out of Gondor in a drunken stupor! The race of Man is under much prejudice, but I assure you that the Men of Maramir are not apt to such judgments! Mark my words, little one, the moment danger is a foot in this world, the Men of Maramir are willing to stand up and defend it! These are the most seasoned fighters you could ever lay your eyes on! Oh sure, we may stress the points of platonic love for unionization-and our disciplinary tactics are not as hard nosed as some-but I assure you, little one, you're never going to find a group of civilized fighters anywhere in the Land of Gondor!  
  
(Over the intercom, we hear Nichola give a bulletin)  
  
Nichola: (In a serious tone) Uh-attention, Men of Maramir-if you proceed to the back of the fortress, the water fight has now begun. Thank you.  
  
(At that moment, swarms of Soldiers of Maramir pour into the room, each coming from different directions, and heading towards the outside of the fortress-each one of them is clad in swimming trunks and they are all hooting and hollering dumbly. Amidst the crowd, we see Maramir speaking to Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee)  
  
Maramir: (Shrugging) Well-somewhat civilized at times.  
  
Soldier of Maramir#14: (We don't see him, but he's shouting from within the group) Hey, everybody! I'm takin' off my drawers!  
  
Soldier of Maramir#15: (Cheerfully) Yeah! We're going streaking! Streaking party!  
  
Maramir: (Seriously) Now, no more streaking parties, guys! The last one you had got way out of control! Lizzo Baggins: (In a forlorn tone to Kram Gamgee) Too bad Rippin isn't here- she loves streaking parties!  
  
(Suddenly, we go back to the Fangorn Forest, where Big Nuts is lumbering through the forest. Then, we focus upon Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck, who are simply sitting upon the limbs of their new Ent companion. Suddenly, Rippin Took's head snaps up and her eyes go wide)  
  
Rippin Took: (Cheerfully) I wanna go streaking!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck stares in amazement at Rippin Took-she obviously had not expected her friend to say something as stupid as that. Even Big Nuts looks up in puzzlement)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Her brow furrowed, and straightening her glasses) Uh- where did that come from?  
  
Rippin Took: (Slowly) I-don't-know!  
  
(We go back to Maramir's fortress, and we see the last Soldiers of Maramir head out to the water fight, leaving Maramir, Lizzo Baggins, & Kram Gamgee alone once again. Becoming strangely serious, Maramir indicates for the hobbits to sit down, which they do)  
  
Maramir: (In a serious tone to the hobbits) Now that there aren't so many eavesdropping ears about, I think it is time we get to know the two strangers sitting before me. (He places his hands upon his hips and raises an eyebrow at the two) My men tell me that you are Orc spies.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shocked, and speaking angrily) Orc spies? Now wait just a minute! I can assure you, good sir, that we are not as foul as Orc spies! For you to give us such a title is quite ludicrous!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Nodding in encouragement) You tell him, Kram!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a practical tone) I mean, we could be anyone's spies, and yet you automatically assume that we are foul Orcs! Do we look like Orcs?  
  
Maramir: (Suspiciously) Well, we are doing battle with the Orcs.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Still, that doesn't mean that we're Orc spies! You don't really know who your allies are during this war! For all you know, we could be-Elf spies-Dwarf spies-or even Men spies! Treason is going around, after all.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Laughing uncomfortably) Heh, heh! Kram, I think you're missing the major point in that we're (In a very angry tone) not anyone's spies! Maramir: (Curiously) Well, if you are not spies, then who are you?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee look at one another awkwardly-do they really want to give away that information? But Maramir is not going to let it slide by)  
  
Maramir: (Firmly) Speak!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins nods to Kram Gamgee, and they turn towards Maramir)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Very carefully, so as not to give away too much) We are hobbits of the Shire. Lizzo Baggins is my name-and this is my best friend, Kram Gamgee. (Indicates Kram Gamgee)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Waving awkwardly) Hey.  
  
Maramir: (In a joking tone) Bodyguard?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Indignantly) No! Her gardener-and cook-and I also clip her toenails while she sleeps!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins gives Kram Gamgee a wide-eyed stare. Kram Gamgee sees this and looks bewildered)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Wondering what the big deal is) What? They get long! And just because you've got hairy feet, it doesn't give you any excuse to let 'em grow like that! That's just nasty!  
  
Maramir: (Deciding to ignore this statement) What are you doing upon the forbidden grounds of my fortress?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Quickly) We took a wrong turn from our original destination- we didn't think anything was wrong until you attacked us! (Deciding to reveal more to put Maramir somewhat at ease) We were traveling with seven other companions, but we got separated-(Sadly) one of them we lost in Moria. Two were of my kin; one was an Elf, the other a Dwarf. Two Men accompanied us: Jimagorn, son of Jimathorn; and Mikomir of Gondor.  
  
(At this, Maramir's eyes go rather wide in shock. Lizzo Baggins immediately stops talking, wondering if she has said too much)  
  
Maramir: (Slowly) You-knew Mikomir?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Keeping her tone blank, deciding not to let the other decipher any signs of fear) We knew each other well. (Raising an eyebrow at the other) Why? Why do you care?  
  
Maramir: (His eyes narrowing) He was my brother.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Oh, he was, was he? (Getting to her feet angrily) Well, let me tell you something, Mister Maramir, you're brother was no saint!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Quickly) Kram-!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) No, Miss Lizz! I'm not going to stand here, and hear all these great tales about this guy's brother! (To Maramir) Your brother has a lot of nerve, by the way! Just because he's a great official from Gondor, it doesn't mean he can prance around, acting like he's king of the world! Picking on Miss Lizzo like that, it's quite ridiculous! You may think that your brother is some great guy, but to me, he's nothing but a great git! If you ask me anything, I think your brother should go-jump in a hole or something!  
  
(Kram Gamgee breathes in and out in anger-but Maramir simply stands there, looking very calm; but you can tell that he is desperately trying to keep his anger in check)  
  
Maramir: (Giving a small, ironic smile) My brother's dead.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins' mouth drops open in shock-she obviously had not expected that. Kram Gamgee is rather shocked too-but she merely stands there, blinking slowly at a very calm Maramir. Kram Gamgee looks rather awkward)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small tone) Well-this is awkward.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Overcome with shock) What? Mikomir-dead? I don't understand! I-How? When?  
  
Maramir: (In a smooth voice) I was hoping that maybe you could tell me?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins' eyes remain wide as she realizes that she is being accused of murder. Kram Gamgee finally sits down and looks from Maramir to Lizzo Baggins)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small tone) No wait-I take my previous statement back; this is awkward.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a small laugh to Maramir) You cannot possibly be accusing me of murder! (Seriously) I didn't kill him! I didn't!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Interjecting peacefully) Okay, let's hold up a minute! (To Maramir) What makes you believe that your brother is even dead? He may have gotten lost or-!  
  
Maramir: (Sadly) Oh, he is dead-I found it out the hard way. I was fishing in my favorite water hole. (We experience a flashback of Maramir's, where he is sitting on the shore of a lake, casting a line out to the center of the lake to catch some fish- to no avail)  
  
Voice of Maramir: .but the fish were not biting as much that day, and my line was rather short.  
  
(The past Maramir stands up angrily)  
  
Maramir: Darn! This would be so much easier if I could have my boat with me! But no! The Men of Maramir don't want to lug a huge boat with them for ten miles! Gees! (Shakes his head irritably) Lazy bums. (Looks out towards the lake and his face brightens as he sees something) Wait a second! What's that?  
  
(We see a boat float onto the lake's smooth surface-it is the boat from Fellowship of the Movie that the remaining three members of the company used to send Mikomir down the water fall. But Maramir doesn't know this, and sees a perfect opportunity)  
  
Maramir: (Stepping into the lake and wading towards the boat) Yes! A boat! It looks a bit battered, but I can patch that up in no time! (As he approaches the boat) Well, talk about your good lu-(Looks into the boat and sees the dead Mikomir, shouts out, and falls back into the lake) AH! DEAD BODY!  
  
(We go back to the present-day Maramir, where he looks very grim as he relives the event in his mind)  
  
Maramir: (Sadly) Once I had overcome my first initial shock, another encompassed me: lying within the boat was the dead body of my brother.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (She clicks her tongue in discomfort) Well-I guess that answers my question.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Seriously) I'm telling you! I had no idea he was dead until now! I didn't kill him! What would make you think such a thing?  
  
Maramir: (Evenly) From what your friend chooses to reveal, you had a good motive. Why should I believe you when you claim innocence?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably standing to her feet) Okay-look at me! I'm this tall! (Places her hand to where the top of her head is to indicate her short stature) I've got hairy feet and I hardly knew your brother! Sure he may have been a bit of git, but I'm not going to kill him for it! Plus, I wince at the smallest things and I get scared of the smallest things! Tell him, Kram!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (To Maramir in a practical tone) She's a coward, all right, Maramir.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Defensively) Besides, even if I wanted to kill your brother- which I didn't-I wouldn't have anything to kill him with!  
  
(At that, Sting falls out from Lizzo Baggins' weapons' belt; it lands with a CLASH onto the ground. The three stare at the sword for a long time. Lizzo Baggins blinks awkwardly at the weapon)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Huh-where did that come from?  
  
(With a brisk movement, Maramir picks up Sting, examining it)  
  
Maramir: (Practically) It's very light, (Tosses it from one hand to the other) maneuverable-  
  
(Maramir makes a plunging motion with the sword, barely missing Lizzo Baggins' head. The blade rests just inches from Lizzo Baggins. The hobbit fights to stay calm. Kram Gamgee glares at Maramir)  
  
Maramir: (Smoothly) .to a person of your height. (Looks at the weapon carefully) But it is not the weapon that took my brother. (Tosses Sting to the ground near his feet) Arrows took my brother's life, not the blade from a sword.  
  
(The two hobbits look at one another in discomfort-whatever hopes they had of being on good terms with Maramir seem to be sliding away fast. Maramir shakes his head to pull himself out of his gaze)  
  
Maramir: (Simply) But enough of these grim memories-I have another question for you two. (Leans near to the two hobbits) What happened with the other companion you were traveling with? You know, the foul one?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (After thinking about it for a while) Uh-Rippin was one of those hobbits who got separated from us.  
  
Maramir: (Irritably) No! I mean the gangly, mangy looking creature! The one that kind of looked like Gandhi?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Nodding in understanding) Oh! You mean-!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Interrupting quickly) No one.  
  
(Shocked, Kram Gamgee looks at Lizzo Baggins, who is giving her friend a piercing stare to go along with it)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Firmly) There was no one else-(To Maramir) just the two of us.  
  
(Maramir looks very skeptical about this, but he doesn't say anything. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee sits there, looking very apprehensive about this situation. Lizzo Baggins seems more worried than the other; it was her decision not reveal the identity of Jenolum, and if Maramir catches them in the lie-he may catch them in the bigger lie that Lizzo Baggins has to keep. Finally, Maramir nods slowly in understanding)  
  
Maramir: (Slowly) Right-if that is all, then.(Shouts out in a cheery tone) All right! Guards, lock them in the cell!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee gasp in shock as Soldiers of Maramir#16&17 grasp the hobbits by their shoulders and begin to drag them towards the cell)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a frightened tone) What's all this?  
  
Maramir: (With a laugh) You two have trespassed upon the Land of Maramir! I cannot just let you go!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) If we're intruders, why did you show us around your fortress, you ninny?  
  
Maramir: (As if this is obvious) I wanted to show you a bit of hospitality before I imprisoned you! I didn't want to be rude!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (As she is dragged away, yelling) Oh, and this is supposed to be a freakin' birthday party or something?  
  
(Both hobbits are drug away from the are, leaving Maramir alone with his thoughts) 


	20. Scene Twenty: Sons of the Steward

Scene Twenty  
  
(It is evening at the Fortress of Maramir, and we see the captain sitting outside and gazing into the night. So much has happened that day, and so much has been revealed-or unrevealed. Then, we see that he has his brother's horn lying on his lap. Then, we experience a flashback of Maramir's: we see Mikomir upon a great building in Osgiliath, placing a large banner upon it. Mikomir speaks to a large crowd of citizens and soldiers gathered below)  
  
Mikomir: (In a great, prideful voice) Today, the Men of Gondor proclaim victory! We celebrate for the good of Middle-Earth! I proclaim Osgiliath- upon the fists and strengths of Gondor-one of the strongest cities of Man! It's foundations are strong-and its people are just as strong! Now, I am not so good with great speeches, so I will end my speech right now with this: I like some of you, but hate the rest of you!  
  
(There is a great cheer heard below, and we see Citizen of Osgiliath#1 look at Citizen of Osgiliath#2)  
  
Citizen of Osgiliath#1: (Clapping) That was beautiful.  
  
Citizen of Osgiliath#2: (With a great smile) Yep-that Mikomir sure does know how to win over a crowd! (Shouting at Mikomir) YOU THE MAN, MIKOMIR! YOU SO THE MAN!  
  
(Mikomir climbs down the stairs of his building and meets up with his brother, Maramir, who looks overjoyed to see him. The clasp hands in greeting)  
  
Maramir: (Smiling at his brother) Great speech, Mikomir! How long did it take you to write it?  
  
Mikomir: (Thinking about it for a while) A long while-you'd be surprised how hard plagiarism is! But enough of this! Let's stop with the speaking and get to the drinking!  
  
(Many of the soldiers gathered around the two let up a great shout of glee)  
  
Maramir: (In a happy tone) YEAH! DRINKING!  
  
(Mikomir retrieves two cups filled with ale and hands one to his brother. The two toast with a great smile etched upon their faces)  
  
Mikomir: (Happily) Today-is a good day.  
  
(Both the brothers make to quaff their drinks, only to stop when they hear Menethor-the Steward of Gondor-approach)  
  
Menethor: (In a happy tone) Mikomir! Mikomir! Over here, Mikomir! Come, will you not say hello to your own father?  
  
Maramir: (In a bitter, low tone) Well, it was a good day.  
  
Mikomir: (Shushing his brother) Try and act surprised, Maramir! It's our father, after all! Don't start anything!  
  
Maramir: (Angrily) I never start anything! He starts everything! Do I ever say anything? No!  
  
Mikomir: (Desperately) Oh, come on, Maramir! He's here on a happier note! He's just going to give us his praise!  
  
Maramir: (With a sarcastic laugh) You mean give you his praise! He doesn't care a lick about me! He hates me!  
  
Mikomir: (Furrowing his brow at this) What? What a ridiculous thing to say! Father doesn't hate you!  
  
Maramir: (Irritably) Yes he does! He went to your graduation from high school! He didn't even pretend to act like he had other plans at mine! He just sent one of the stable boys in his place! You know how awkward it is getting your picture taken with some guy who smells like horses who's got his arm wrapped around you? I'm telling you, Mikomir! He hates me!  
  
Mikomir: (In a very irritable voice) Maramir, just go talk to him! I'm sure there's no harm in that!  
  
Maramir: (Dropping his voice as he walks with his brother) No! No! I'm not going to talk to that man! He's not going to-(Laughs as the two turn a corner and meet up with Menethor) Hey! Dad!  
  
Mikomir: (Warmly to his father) Father! So nice to see you here!  
  
Menethor: (Kindly to Mikomir) You think I would miss something as important as this, Mikomir? This is truly an amazing feat! I may have had important business to attend to in Gondor-that worker's strike is quite hectic-but I told them, "Save it for later, my friends! For I have my own business to attend to with my favorite son!" (With a careless wave at Maramir) And I thought it'd be satisfactory to see him again-whatever his name is.  
  
Maramir: (Furrowing his brow) Maramir, father! You know, your youngest son! It's nice to see you again, as well!  
  
Mikomir: (To stop a fight from breaking out) Er-say, father! Osgiliath is a really nice place, isn't it? Have you been to the local restaurant? I hear they've got the best pitas in all Middle-Earth!  
  
Menethor: (In a happy tone) But I highly doubt that they are as good as your battle techniques, Mikomir! You truly have made me proud! (Puts a hand on the other's shoulder)  
  
Mikomir: (In an encouraging tone) Maramir helped as well! He manned the left wing of the city!  
  
Menethor: (In a dry tone) Oh yes.because of his foolishness, the city could have fallen. Many lives were lost on his side, am I right?  
  
Maramir: (Grinding his teeth) Many lives were lost on Mikomir's side as well!  
  
Menethor: (Waving it aside casually) Yes, but your side was really messy! Which reminds me, you need to talk with your cleaning services!  
  
Maramir: (Trying to keep his anger in check) I do not have a cleaning service, father! I do all the clean-up work by myself!  
  
Menethor: (With an annoyed sigh) As I suspected-dirt poor, can hardly afford the house you live in, can you? Hanging about the Ilithid forests, wasting all your money on that damned army of yours! Quite disappointing, I must say.  
  
(Menethor moves away, and Maramir stomps away, severely ill-tempered. Mikomir grabs his brother shoulder to try and make him stay, but Maramir merely shakes it off. Mikomir follows his father into a nearby, empty house)  
  
Mikomir: (Sounding very annoyed with the situation) Why do you keep acting this hostile towards your own son? He loves you, father, yet you push him away as if he has disowned you!  
  
Menethor: (Angrily) Has that little bugger disowned me?  
  
Mikomir: (Irritably) No! What I was trying to say is that you're treating Maramir as if he were not your son but one of the stable boys! You're way too hard on him!  
  
Menethor: (Shrugging) Your point being?  
  
Mikomir: (Sighing in annoyance) I think what you want to say is that you're only hard on him because you care about him!  
  
Menethor: (Looking confused) But-I don't care about him! I care about you, which reminds me: (Looks at Mikomir in a serious manner) I just got word from Noelrond of Rivendell, and he requests an audience member of Gondor. He will not tell me why, but he says that (Dropping his voice even lower) they have found the weapon of the enemy!  
  
Mikomir: (His eyes widening) The Movie! They have found the Movie! (Rubbing his nose under his glasses) Great Gaspy! This could totally change the course of the future! When do you depart?  
  
Menethor: (With a small laugh) I am not going to Rivendell! There's too much crap going on in Gondor as it is! I'm only sending the best man for the job-one right in the city!  
  
Mikomir: (After pondering for a few minutes) Commander Derek?  
  
Menethor: (Angrily) No! You, you ninny! You shall go in my place!  
  
Mikomir: (Seriously, backing away from his father) No way, father! I'm not doing it! I already have things to do within Osgiliath! Rumor has it that there is a nasty leak in the main building-I'm not letting that sit!  
  
Menethor: (Desperately) So, get a plumber to fix it while you are away! Come on, Mikomir! You have to do this! It is for the good of Gondor! Do this for me, Mikomir!  
  
Mikomir: (Sighing) I don't know.let me think about if for a while.  
  
Menethor: No! The Council of Noelrond requests an audience from Gondor by the end of this week.I probably should have stated that before.  
  
(Sighing, Mikomir leaves the building, Menethor following close behind. Then, Maramir, who was listening in, rushes up to the two to make a compromise)  
  
Maramir: (In a helping tone) If you do not wish to go, father, and Maramir is preoccupied, I will go instead!  
  
Menethor: (With a dry laugh) You? Ha! I would so soon as cut off my right foot than to let you go on such an important mission!  
  
Maramir: (Boldly) You were so quick as to trust Mikomir, yet you will not trust your youngest son?  
  
Menethor: (Coldly) That is because I know he can get the job done; besides.there is no need to dispute because Mikomir is going anyways, right?  
  
(We see Maramir look towards Mikomir with hopeful eyes-then we see Maramir watch Mikomir make his leave. With a pained expression, Maramir watches as Mikomir packs the horse and straps on his battle garb)  
  
Mikomir: (In a hopefully cheery tone) You should be proud-you don't have to go.  
  
Maramir: (Sadly) But you do! I can't believe you're going!  
  
Mikomir: (Scowling) It's not like I want to! From what father chooses to tell me, the Council consists of some guy with a weird hair flip that likes to touch himself! (Shudders) Methinks there's going to be dark times ahead.dark times!  
  
Maramir: (Sadly) Yes, but-I may never see you again!  
  
(Mikomir mounts his horse, and looks down at Maramir, who looks severely broken hearted. Mikomir bends down and puts a reassuring hand upon the other's shoulder)  
  
Mikomir: (With confidence) Do not fret, little brother-I will come back. The sons of the steward shall be joined again!  
  
(And with that, Mikomir digs his heels into his horse, causing it to canter away from Maramir, who looks after him with worry etched upon his face)  
  
Maramir: (As his brother goes away) Why do I have the strongest urge to ask him what kind of health insurance he has?  
  
(We go back to the present day, where Maramir is looking at the distance, remembering slightly happier times. Suddenly, we see Nichola appear behind him)  
  
Nichola: (In an excited tone) Captain Maramir! (When the other doesn't answer immediately) Captain Maramir?  
  
Maramir: (Coming out of his gaze quickly) Hmm? (Notices Nichola) Oh- there's more chicken in the freezer.  
  
Nichola: (Furrowing her brow) No! (Whispering in the other's ear with a smile upon her face) We've found the other one.  
  
(Maramir nods the other off, and looks into the night-thinking about what to do. Finally, he comes up with an idea, one that causes a smile to come to his lips. Then, we see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee sleeping within their cell. Kram Gamgee is snoring, with her mouth open. Lizzo Baggins' face is screwed up in discomfort as she sleeps. Then, Maramir walks up to Lizzo Baggins, accompanied by Ristor & Finnegan; when they are right next to her, Lizzo Baggins wakes up. When she sees who it is, she sits up in curiosity)  
  
Maramir: (Firmly to Lizzo Baggins) Come with me.  
  
(We see Maramir leading Lizzo Baggins towards the Forbidden Pool-we hear the sound of the beautiful waterfall running into the pool. Maramir steps near the edge and looks at the waters; but Lizzo Baggins hangs back, vaguely aware that Ristor & Finnegan are nearby)  
  
Maramir: (Looking back at Lizzo Baggins and speaking curtly) Down there..look down there.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Her face screws up in a look of agitation) Oh no! Are you going to show me the pool and make me run laps or something? Listen, enough of the hospitality crap! It's bad enough I couldn't use a bathroom to do my business! You try peeing in a steel chamber pot and tell me how it feels!  
  
Ristor: (Quickly) A steel chamber pot?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably) Yeah!  
  
Finnegan: (Confused) But there are bathrooms off to the side of each cell!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Well, not in mine! I had to go in a chamber pot that looked like a water pitcher!  
  
Ristor: (After a moment of awkward silence) Er-that was a water pitcher.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Her eyes going wide) Oh no! I can only hope that Kram doesn't get-!  
  
(Far off, we hear Kram Gamgee shout in disgust)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Disgusted) OH GOOD GOD!  
  
(Deciding to ignore this display, Maramir speaks firmly to Lizzo Baggins)  
  
Maramir: Look down there, Lizzo Baggins! Look down there!  
  
(Slowly, Lizzo Baggins walks to the edge and peers into the pool. The Forbidden Pool is quite beautiful-crystal clear with one large rock inside of it. A small waterfall tumbles into the pool. But there is something in there that is rather strange-a creature swimming about: Jenolum. She is looking for some fish, oblivious to the spectators watching. Lizzo Baggins looks quite shocked by this, and merely stares at Jenolum for a while)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Awkwardly) Oh! Look at that! A strange creature swimming about the water!  
  
Maramir: (In a simple tone) Yes-but it is an unwanted creature swimming the waters.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Quickly) Still, there's really no need to shoot it! I'm pretty sure, it's going to GET OUT, any time soon! (Maramir turns to look at Ristor & Finnegan, while Lizzo Baggins begins to angrily mouth at Jenolum, "Get out! Get out of there now!" When Maramir looks back at Lizzo Baggins, the hobbit stops mouthing and gives a small, awkward smile at Maramir)  
  
Maramir: (In a slow, simple tone) To enter the Forbidden Pool pays the penalty of death.  
  
(Ristor & Finnegan look at one another with sudden nervousness)  
  
Finnegan: (In a very quiet voice) Er-I guess we shouldn't tell him that we had our water fight in there, should we?  
  
Ristor: (Quickly shaking his head) Uh-no.  
  
(Silently, Maramir gives a small hand signal. Confused, Lizzo Baggins looks around and is horrified to find different Soldiers of Maramir hiding in the bushes, arrows drawn back and ready to fire right at an unaware Jenolum. We see Jenolum emerge from the water, a huge fish in her mouth and looking quite pleased. Maramir hides his smile-this is the real cunning part of his plan)  
  
Maramir: (To Lizzo Baggins) They wait for my signal. Shall I shoot?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins doesn't answer-she's obviously thinking very fast. We hear Jenolum start singing in the pool, and we see her begin maliciously knocking the fish against the rock)  
  
Jenolum: (Singing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road") When are you gonna come down? When are you going to land? Should have stayed on the farm-should have listened to my old man! (Begins to bang the fish upon a rock) You know you can't hold me forever! I didn't sign up for you! I'm not some present from your friends to open.  
  
(Slowly, Maramir raises his index finger-once he drops it, the Men will shoot. But before he can even plan on doing such a thing, Lizzo Baggins speaks)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Desperately) Wait!  
  
(Maramir looks at Lizzo Baggins, hiding the glee that he feels inside at the triumph about to take place. Lizzo Baggins looks very apprehensive at this point; she wants to keep her secret-but she can't let Jenolum die)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking deploringly at Maramir) Please! Don't hurt her! This creature is bound to me!  
  
Ristor: (With a scowl) What the heck would make you want to be bound with that? (Points at Jenolum)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (An equally darker scowl) She's our guide! (Looks desperately back at Maramir) Please! Let me go down to her! Let me talk to her!  
  
(Maramir looks rather suspicious about this-but in order for his plan to work, he has to risk it. We see Jenolum at the bottom of the pool, gnawing on her fish greedily upon the large rock. Then, from the shore nearby, we see Lizzo Baggins creep to the side and begin to quietly call to Jenolum)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a soft hiss) Jenéagol! Jenéagol! Come on, Jenéagol!  
  
(Jenolum looks back at Lizzo Baggins and smiles)  
  
Jenolum: (Cheerfully) Master is back! Master's back! Master-takes a look at what's we caught! (Holds up the dead fish, which is quite mangled)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Holds back the gag reflex and eggs the creature on) That's great, Jenéagol! Now, come on! Let's get out of here!  
  
Jenolum: (Looking rather suspicious and speaking slowly) Master says we must-go now?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Desperately) Come on, Jenéagol! You must trust master! Come on out of there!  
  
Jenolum: (Still looking suspicious) But-we's just got's here.why's would we want to-?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Beginning to pat her knees as if talking to a stray dog) Come on, Jenéagol! Come on, girl! Come on! Come on out of there!  
  
(Excited, Jenolum puts the fish in her mouth and sits like a panting dog)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Resuming her "pooch talk") Come on, Jenéagol! If you come to me, I'll give you a doggy treat!  
  
Jenolum: (Rather pleased) Ooh! The ones with cheese in them?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Patting her knees) Would I supply any less? Come on, Jenéagol! Come on, girl! Come on girl!  
  
(Cheerfully, Jenolum bounds to Lizzo Baggins, who resumes to talk to the creature as if it were a dog)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: Good girl! That's a good girl! Really good girl!  
  
(On all fours, Jenolum crawls onto the shore, and Lizzo Baggins backs away to give the creature room to run off. But something happens that neither intended upon happening. Immediately, Soldiers of Maramir#18-20 jump from concealment, and pounce on Jenolum. Frightened, Jenolum screams in her awful scream. Lizzo Baggins backs into the wall in shock)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting at the others) DON'T HURT HER!  
  
Jenolum: (Poking her head from the crowd) MASTER! MAST-!  
  
(Jenolum's words are drowned out as Soldier of Maramir#19 places a black hood over the creature's head. Soldiers of Maramir#18-20 drag Jenolum away, who is still screaming in anguish. Maramir appears from the bushes and looks towards Lizzo Baggins. Lizzo Baggins' face falls as she realizes that it was all a ploy. Drawing himself up, Maramir disappears with the rest of the soldiers, Ristor & Finnegan following behind. We are now in an empty area of the cave, where Soldiers of Maramir#18-20 push Jenolum from their grasp. Her hood has been removed, but she still screams hysterically. Nichola is up front, watching the scene with a wrinkled nose of disgust. Nichola looks behind her as Maramir, Ristor, & Finnegan make their appearance. Boldly, Maramir moves towards Jenolum, but the creature shrinks away from the strangers with a whimper. She then curls up and begins to whimper uncontrollably)  
  
Maramir: (Sternly) Where are you leading them? (When Jenolum doesn't answer immediately) ANSWER ME!  
  
(As we see Jenolum begin to weep in her curled up form, we hear her evil side begin to speak-sounding horribly comforting)  
  
Jenolum: (Patting herself upon the shoulder) Jenéagol.poor Jenéagol. Why does it cry, Jenéagol? (In her miserable, weeping self) Master tricks us! Master makes Men be mean to us! (Her evil self comforting) There, there, Jenéagol! It's okay.(In her weeping tone) Thanks, dude! I knew I could count on you to make myself feel better.  
  
(As Jenolum begins to talk in her split personality, Maramir, Nichola, Ristor, & Finnegan look at one another in discomfort)  
  
Maramir: (In a very quiet tone) Er-what the hell is going on here?  
  
Finnegan: (Slowly) She's got a split personality! (To Ristor) Ristor, run and get Johnson's pills! Those will help!  
  
Nichola: (Angrily) You idiots! That's not going to help!  
  
Finnegan: (Raising his eyebrows) Doesn't Johnson have schizophrenia?  
  
Nichola: (Rolling her eyes in annoyance) No! Johnson doesn't have schizophrenia! He's got Down's syndrome!  
  
(At that moment, we hear Johnson run through the room from behind the group, yelling hysterically. When it fades, we go back to Jenolum, who is talking in her evil tone again)  
  
Jenolum: (Still patting her shoulder) There, there, Jenéagol! It's okay.though, I did warn you about her. (Desperately, trying to prove the other wrong) No! No! (Evilly) Yes! I told you she was tricksy-I told you she was false! (Weeping at the thought) Master is our friend! Master wouldn't do such a thing! (Evilly) Well, what do you think she just did; give you a lollipop and take you to the carnival? Face it, Jenéagol! The nasty hobbits tricked you! And they will do it again! (Weeping) No! You don't know what you're saying! Or-what I'm saying! Or-(Evilly) See, you don't even know who you are anymore! But I'm still here! I can tell you who you are! Come back, Jenéagol! Let me be in your life again! (Crying) NO! We's told you to go away! We's don't need you! Master takes care of us! (Evilly) Has she taken care of you so far? Look at what she's done! She's tricked you-she will do it again! (Weeping) No! No! It's.not.true.  
  
(Angrily, Jenolum uncurls herself and bangs her fist against the stone of the cave-she's back at her original self)  
  
Jenolum: (In an angry hiss) Filthy little hobbits! They's stolen it from us!  
  
Maramir: (Raising his eyebrow) What did they steal?  
  
Jenolum: (Saying it slowly, gathering more anger as she looks at Maramir) My.PRECIOUSSSSSS!  
  
(Jenolum gives a hiss to be frightening-but nothing happens. The group of spectators just stands there, watching the creature with unimpressed stares. Jenolum's face falls as she realizes what's happened)  
  
Jenolum: (Concerned) Not scary enough?  
  
Ristor: (Quickly) No! It was scary-but I think you paid too much attention on the hiss. You didn't really work your face into that look of ugly anger, you know.  
  
Nichola: (Adding in) Also, you delivered it too early! You might want to wait a few seconds after you say, "your precious"-  
  
Jenolum: (Quickly correcting) My precious.  
  
Nichola: (Waving it aside) Whatever! Anyways, if you waited for a bit after you said your line, then it'd give more affect to us. It's still scary-but not much as it is creepy.  
  
Jenolum: (Nodding) Okay-okay.(Screws up her face as she says it again) My.PRECIOUSSSSS!  
  
(This time, Jenolum waits a few seconds before delivering her hiss. When she does, the group gives a gasp and cringes back)  
  
Ristor: (In a truthful tone) Oh yeah! Scared the crap out of me!  
  
Finnegan: (Nodding) Truly terrifying.  
  
(We see Lizzo Baggins sitting against the wall, her face in her hands as she ponders at how miserable this situation. Kram Gamgee is pacing the area nervously)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Anxiously) Are you certain? Are you absolutely certain, Miss Lizzo?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Miserably) Of course I'm certain, Kram! I saw her with my own two eyes! And once they talk to her, Jenéagol will give us away! (Sounding like everything is hopeless) Oh, this is awful!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) She'd better not reveal anything, Miss Lizzo! If she does, I'll pound her!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably) Don't blame Jenéagol for everything, Kram! Maramir's already not on very good terms with us ever since your remark about his deceased brother!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Hey! I didn't even know he was dead! And I'm not going to act like he's some god or anything-he was a git! And besides, all I said was that his brother should go jump in a hole! I didn't say that he should lie down in a pine box, arms crossed, and spend the rest of eternity under ground!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shaking her head to calm her down somewhat) I suppose you're right, Kram. I shouldn't blame you.but-(Miserably) Oh, Kram! What're we going to do?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looking about and speaking in a low tone) We've got to get out of here.Maramir's lot isn't a pleasant one, after all. (In a dark whisper) I think they peed in our water pitcher, Miss Lizzo! The nasty bastards!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks off to the side awkwardly, but Kram Gamgee doesn't notice; she's too busy looking about for a way out)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a forlorn tone) It's no use, Kram! They've got tons of guards posted throughout the fortress! We'll never be able to get out without somebody seeing us!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (An idea dawning to her suddenly) But you could.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Scowling) What?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Kneeling and whispering very quietly to Lizzo Baggins) Use the Movie, Miss Lizzo! Push the play chip-disappear! They'll never see you!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Her eyes go wide) Kram-what about you?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shrugs) I'll get by on my good looks. (Seriously whispering again) But, Miss Lizzo, you've got to get out of here! Once Maramir finds out, who knows what he'll do to you! You've got to leave!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shaking her head as she hugs her knees in fright) No, Kram! I'm not doing that! You were right before, Kram! The Movie's trying to take me over-making me want to do things I don't want to do-say things I would never say-listen to music I would never listen to! (Her eyes fill with tears as she says it) I hate Barry Manilow, Kram! But I listen to him twenty-four, seven! (Shaking her head) If I play the Movie, he'll see me! He'll know where I am-and they'll find me! And once that happens, everything good will be lost!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a determined voice) Miss Lizzo, I won't let anything like that happen to you!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Sadly) I'm not worried about myself, Kram-I don't really care about what happens to me. If I don't die upon this mission, I could likely die from something else. But-it's for you that I can't play the Movie. If something happened to you-I couldn't bear it!  
  
(Kram Gamgee stares at Lizzo Baggins in a concerned way. Kram Gamgee suddenly realizes how close she could be to losing the only friend she has really had. Before Kram Gamgee can reply, however, Maramir bursts into the cell-he is alone and looking triumphant. Lizzo Baggins stands to her feet quickly, ready to defend herself in any way possible. Kram Gamgee stands in front of Lizzo Baggins with a glare upon her face-Maramir's not going to get to Lizzo Baggins without going through her first. Maramir draws his sword, which slightly intimidates the weaponless hobbits, and moves towards the hobbits)  
  
Maramir: (Silkily, sounding gleeful with each word) So-this is the answer to all the riddles!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Backing against the wall, and deciding to play it dumb) Uh- like the one about the riddle and the writing desk, because I've already looked into that, and there's no answer for it! (Allows herself a small, discomforting laugh. Then she speaks desperately) Please don't kill me!  
  
Maramir: (With a laugh) I'm not going to kill you! Not until I get what you so secretly carry-the lie and deception that you cover more heavily than your true identities.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Confused) But-didn't we tell you our identities?  
  
Maramir: (Waving this aside with a wave of his hand) It's supposed to sound cool! Go with it! It's supposed to intimidate you! Now-(In a commanding voice as he brandishes the sword before Kram Gamgee) be intimidated!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Eyes darting to the side simply) I don't know what you're-!  
  
Maramir: (Angrily) Oh, spare me your half-truths, halfling!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Impressed) Nice!  
  
Maramir: (With a quick nod) Thanks. (Back to Lizzo Baggins) Don't lie to me, Lizzo Baggins! Your gangly friend told me everything I need to know!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Cursing the name like poison) Damn her! I knew I couldn't trust her! Now she's gone and blown our cover, and revealed everything about the Movie of Power!  
  
Maramir: (Shocked) The Movie of Power?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably) Of course! What did you think it was?  
  
Maramir: (Still shocked) She told us that one of you stole her ham sandwich!  
  
(There is an awkward silence in which all the three stare at one another. Finally, Kram Gamgee speaks)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (To Lizzo Baggins) Do you ever get tired of ruining great opportunities for us, Miss Lizzo?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily to the other) Oh, shut up! Besides-why did you have to go and steal Jenéagol's ham sandwich, anyways?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Defensively) Hey! We were eating nothing but lembas-and she wasn't going to eat it, either!  
  
Maramir: (In a small voice as he inches closer to Lizzo Baggins, sword still drawn) The Movie of Power? Could it be true?  
  
(Maramir uses the point of his sword to hook onto the chain around Lizzo Baggins' neck, which slowly draws the Movie of Power from its place of concealment under the hobbit's shirt. Lizzo Baggins looks petrified)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a loud squeak) That's very suggestive, buddy!  
  
Maramir: (Staring at the Movie of Power as if blinded) At last! I have an army of epic proportions-(A small smile curling upon his lips) with the Movie of Power finally within my grasp.  
  
(As Maramir stares at the Movie, as strange spell comes over Lizzo Baggins. Her eyes roll up into her head, which lolls side to side as if she is possessed. Kram Gamgee looks at her friend in concern, wondering if she should interfere or let it run its course. Suddenly, Lizzo Baggins' eyes snap open and she looks evilly at Maramir)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting evilly) NO!  
  
(With that, Lizzo Baggins pulls the Movie of Power away from the point of the sword; she then goes to a corner in the cell, curls into a small ball, and rocks back and forth, trying to withdraw from the world. Maramir scowls at this)  
  
Maramir: (Angrily) Oh, don't tell me that she's schizophrenic too!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily to Maramir) Stop it! Leave her alone! (Desperately) You don't understand! She's gotta destroy it! That's where we're going- into Mordor, into the land of fire, rock, misery, death, and endless streams of boy-band music! That's why we've got a nutter leading us- because she's the only freakin' person that's got a freakin' clue as to where it is!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small, far-off tone) Find a happy place! Find a happy place!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Desperately to Maramir) Please, will you not help her? Please! It's such a burden-and not just for her! She can be really freaky at times, and I can't take one more insanity breakdown!  
  
(Kram Gamgee looks at Maramir-she looks at him as if expecting him to understand. But Maramir is overcome with the thought of power delivered by the legendary Movie. Then, we see Nichola dash into the cell, looking very frightened)  
  
Nichola: (To Maramir) Captain Maramir! We just got a message! Osgiliath is under attack!  
  
(Maramir nods to show that he's listened. He looks at Kram Gamgee-then the huddled up form of Lizzo Baggins. If he has any sympathy, he doesn't show it. Instead, he sheathes his sword as he speaks to Nichola)  
  
Maramir: (Curtly) Pack everything up-we make to Gondor.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shaking her head and correcting him slowly) No.no.no.you've got it kind of wrong. (Saying the word slowly, so he catches the syllables) Mor-dor. You've kind of got it-but instead of the "G", you've got to put a capital "M", and take out the "n" and replace it with the "r". Once you've done that, then-!  
  
Maramir: (Angrily) I know I said Gondor! We're heading to Gondor-(Points to Lizzo Baggins) you're friend's going to be a real help.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Stands there with a blank expression upon her face) Well-you really suck! (Mumbling as she crosses her arms) And to think that I was going to give you a sympathy fruit basket! 


	21. Scene Twenty One: Jimagorn's Return

Scene Twenty-One  
  
(We now go back to Jimagorn, who is still riding through the plains upon the mysterious horse that appeared to help him. Jimagorn looks horribly weak, but he's able to stay on the horse, trying to ride to Helm's Deep to join the companions who believe him for lost. Suddenly, as Jimagorn rides over a hill, he looks back and his eyes widen. We suddenly see the black mass that is Andraman's army marching to Helm's Deep. Jimagorn looks rather surprised at this-the land of Rohan may already be out of time!)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a quiet, shocked voice) Fates save us! (Puts a hand to his chest and speaks in a confident whisper) Man, I'm sexy!  
  
(Now we see Jimagorn ride up to Helm's Deep-we see a few guards posted at the wall of the entrance, but everybody else is inside the fortress, formulating their own plans. Jimagorn gives a content sigh)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a relieved tone) Helm's Deep! Food-shelter-(Runs a hand through his hair) Hair gel! Lord, let there be hair gel!  
  
(We see a confident, tall riding Jimagorn ride up the ramp to Helm's Deep, the guards double-taking at his passing-not only is he a stranger to the compound, but he was supposedly among the dead. Jimagorn enters the keep casually, as if pulling into an ordinary tavern. We see many of the citizens gathered about him actually whisper aloud their exclamations of surprise at the returning Man. Then, we hear Brimli shout from the back of the group)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Where is he? Where is he? I'm gonna-!  
  
(Brimli roughly pushes Citizen of Edoras#16 aside)  
  
Brimli: (Off handedly) Short Dwarf with an axe, coming through!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#16: (Angrily) I do not take such treatment from a Dwarf!  
  
Brimli: (Coolly) New age, buddy! Get used to it! (Resumes shouting as she pushes her way through the gawking crowd) Where is that son of a crap? When I see him, I'm going to-!  
  
(Brimli approaches Jimagorn, who dismounts and stares at the Dwarf with a bemused expression upon his face)  
  
Jimagorn: (Casually) How's it goin'?  
  
Brimli: (Shocked) What do you mean, "how's it goin'?" I'll tell you how it's goin'! We worked so freakin' hard to fight those Warg freaks, presumed you as dead, came here for some reprieve, and everybody's been moping about in a grim fiasco! I told King Kevoden my famous pirate joke and he didn't even snicker-not a grin passed upon his lips!  
  
Jimagorn: (Raising an eyebrow) You mean the one about the eyepatch?  
  
Brimli: (Nodding quickly) Yeah!  
  
Jimagorn: (In an assuring voice) Oh, Brimli, that's not funny.  
  
Brimli: (Frowning) Oh.well.(Resuming her angry tone) Jimagorn, you've got a lot of nerve-gut-gall-(In a very happy tone) courage-strength-and honor to show up here in one piece! (Embraces Jimagorn about the waist tightly)  
  
Jimagorn: (Awkwardly) Uh-this is new!  
  
Brimli: (In an ecstatic tone) We all thought you lost! Jimagorn, I'll never leave you behind again! I swear! (Breaks away from Jimagorn) Jimagorn, if there's anything I can do to make up the foolish choice I have made, I'll make sure I do it!  
  
Jimagorn: (Jovially, happy somebody volunteered) Well, you can take my horse to the stables, bring me some hair gel, draw me a bath, make me a chicken sandwich-!  
  
Brimli: (Interjecting politely) Er-let's not get too extreme, Jimagorn!  
  
Jimagorn: (Laughing) All right, Brimli! How about you take my horse, and just draw me the bath? (Smells his shirt) I smell like a foot. Ooh! Speaking of which, could you give me a foot rub?  
  
Brimli: (Awkwardly) Er-how about I just take your horse to the stable? (Grabs the reins of the horse tightly) You might want to pop in on King Kevoden when you got the chance, Jimagorn.  
  
Jimagorn: (Nodding) Great idea. Where is he?  
  
Brimli: In the main compartment, near the second set of stairs-you can't miss it!  
  
Jimagorn: (Quickly turning away and heading to see the king) Thanks, Brimli!  
  
Brimli: (Happily) No problem, Jimagorn! Nice to have you back!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a complimenting voice) Yeah! I know who I'll replace Megolas with in my fantasies! That'll be interesting!  
  
Brimli: (Angrily shouting) HEY! NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE-!  
  
(At the Dwarf's shout, Jimagorn's horse gives a whinny of fright and takes off, dragging poor Brimli behind. As she shouts, we see Erynwyn picking up some blankets, oblivious to the scene that has just taken place)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily shouting) DAMN YOU, JIMAGORN!  
  
Erynwyn: (Looks up and drops the blankets) Jimagorn?  
  
(Erynwyn looks in the direction from where the Dwarf came from and gives a gasp of surprise as she sees Jimagorn disappearing up the stairs to meet King Kevoden. We follow Jimagorn as he moves along the stone floor, looking very determined and grim about what he must tell the king. But he stops in his tracks as he sees another familiar face: Megolas bars his direction, a sly smile upon her face as she looks into the other's face)  
  
Megolas: (In Elvish) You're late.  
  
Jimagorn: (Sarcastically) Oh, I am? Holy crap! I had no idea! I've gotta check my watch, and-Oh wait! (Looks at his wrist and speaks to the Elf angrily) I don't have one!  
  
Megolas: (With a small smile upon her face) Relax, Jimagorn, I'm only jostling you! (Surveys Jimagorn's state and gives a sniff of disgust) You look terrible.  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Yeah-well, you're ugly, but I don't say anything! (Stares at the Elf for a while, before groaning and speaking quickly) Oh, I'm sorry, Megolas! You're hot; I didn't mean it!  
  
Megolas: (In an awkward tone) Er-all's forgiven-if you never say that again!  
  
(We see Erynwyn run up the stairs, meaning to go after Jimagorn. She is so happy to see him alive. But as she runs, Citizens of Edoras#17&18 walk in front of her, blocking her way)  
  
Citizen of Edoras#17: (In a logical tone) So, like I said before, it doesn't seem like the bleach works on your tub at first, but it works wonders after sitting for a minute!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#18: (In a stunned tone) You don't say!  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) Dang it! Will you ninnies just get out of my freakin' way?  
  
Citizen of Edoras#17: (In an agitated tone) Will you just wait your turn, already?  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) Why don't you bite me?  
  
(Grumbling, Citizens of Edoras#17&18 move out of Erynwyn's way. Very excited to see Jimagorn, Erynwyn dashes towards Jimagorn, but she slows her pace as she sees something rather heart-breaking. Megolas hands Jimagorn the Evenstar pendant, which the Man quickly puts on. Erynwyn, realizing that her hopes for Jimagorn are pretty much fantasy, bows her head and walks away. We now go to Megolas & Jimagorn, who turn and enter the room where King Kevoden sits in a chair, conversing with Commander Awry. King Kevoden quickly looks up and his eyes widen as he sees who is accompanying Megolas)  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) "Get the wounded on horses and leave the dead" eh? I suppose he's not an exception? (Angrily points at Jimagorn)  
  
King Kevoden: (Casually) We all make mistakes.  
  
Jimagorn: (Simply, touching himself) Well, that doesn't matter-well, (Thinking about it for a moment) it does, but we don't have time to talk about it! (Speaks quite dramatically) King Kevoden, upon my return I have spotted Andraman's army of Urak-hai! They are heading right towards Helm's Deep! (With a shrug and rather cheerfully) But I'll get into the whole details of it later! Right now, I'm takin' a long bath and eating a humongous sandwich! See ya in an hour!  
  
(Jimagorn makes to leave, oblivious to the horrified looks upon the other three's faces. Megolas places a firm hand on Jimagorn's shoulder to stop him)  
  
Megolas: (Seriously) Jimagorn, I think that that can wait!  
  
Jimagorn: (Whining) Oh-but I don't want to!  
  
King Kevoden: (Swallowing his fear and speaking seriously) How many?  
  
Jimagorn: (Speaking seriously as well) By the looks of it, it's got to be at least ten thousand strong.  
  
King Kevoden: (Turns around abruptly and speaking in a horrified whisper) Ten thousand?  
  
Jimagorn: (Nodding grimly) I'm afraid so. They are an army set out for one purpose-to destroy the race of Men-and to find another species of chicken other than the traditional farmhouse hen.  
  
(Megolas looks at King Kevoden for his opinion in shock-she obviously did not expect an army of such extreme size; and by the looks of it, neither does Commander Awry & King Kevoden. King Kevoden looks off to the side for a moment, wondering what is the best way to deal with this situation. Then, King Kevoden speaks as he moves towards the exit of the room)  
  
King Kevoden: (Valiantly) Let them come!  
  
Jimagorn: (Placing a hand to his chest in shock) Uh-actually, I wasn't planning on that! I was hoping you'd do the opposite of that! I was hoping you would hold them back a bit-!  
  
(We see King Kevoden moving about the fortress of Helm's Deep, with Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli at his heels. The king talks rapidly and in a tone that clarifies to the others that he is deadly sure of himself)  
  
King Kevoden: (Confidently) The people of Edoras would not be around today if they did not know how to properly defend themselves. For some reason, we attracted much of the violence upon the Rohan. But this attack will be no different from the rest! All we have to do is post more guards at the gates and fight our best. We may receive some casualties, but they shall be minimal. Crops will be re-sown-houses rebuilt.  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily speaking to King Kevoden) This army is not on a mission to destroy your crops or burn your houses-!  
  
King Kevoden: (Casually) Well, there you go! We've got nothing to worry about, do we? Honestly, Jimagorn, you need to take a bit of a break! You make things more dramatic than they actually are!  
  
Jimagorn: (Pushing aside the king's statement) This is an army of Orc that is on a mission to destroy every man, woman, and child!  
  
King Kevoden: (With a small laugh) An army of Orc, eh? Well, we've fought countless of Orcs-it'll be no different from others.  
  
Brimli: (Desperately) These are no mindless drabble of Orcs, King Kevoden! These are Urak-hai! They are well disciplined, they are taught the most difficult military tactics, and, if I didn't know any better, I'd say they have no soul!  
  
Megolas: (Nodding grimly) She's right, Kevoden-  
  
Brimli: (In a shocked voice as she looks at Megolas) I am?  
  
Megolas: (Frowning at the Dwarf) Well-yes, but only this once!  
  
Jimagorn: (Speaking urgently to the king) If you stand and fight, Kevoden, you have to ready for the worst!  
  
King Kevoden: (Grasping Jimagorn and pulling him close as he whispers) What would you have me do, Jimagorn? Look at my men! Just look at them! They're a bunch of ninnies, the whole lot of them!  
  
(We see King Kevoden point off to the right, where Edoras Guards#10-13 are playing a nice game of hopscotch. We also see Edoras Guards#14-16 playing a game of jump rope. Even Commander Awry is entertaining himself by standing near an Easy Bake oven, waiting impatiently. Once there is the sound of a timer going off, Commander Awry's eyes lighten up)  
  
Commander Awry: (Happily) Huzzah! (Bends and takes the tiny cake out of the oven, smelling it with a content smile upon his face. He shouts towards the nearby guards) Guys, the cake's ready! And I put an egg in it- so it should be fancy!  
  
(The guards give a content shout and begin to race towards Commander Awry, eager for the cake. Commander Awry draws back defensively)  
  
Commander Awry: (Drawing his sword and brandishing it before the guards) Hey! You've got to wait for me to put the frosting on first!  
  
(We go back to King Kevoden speaking to Jimagorn)  
  
King Kevoden: (Still whispering) What must I do?  
  
Jimagorn: (Whispering low to make sure the others do not hear) You've got to send for reinforcements! Send for help!  
  
King Kevoden: (Allowing himself a small, sarcastic laugh before continuing) And whom would you have me call for? (Nods towards Megolas) Elves? (Nods towards Brimli) Dwarves?  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Hey! What's so freakin' wrong with Dwarves, bucko?  
  
Megolas: (Equally angry) Forget that! What's so freakin' wrong with Elves? The Elves are way more experienced in fighting than any race in all of Middle-Earth combined!  
  
Brimli: (Raises an eyebrow as she looks at Megolas) Hold up-is that what makes Elves feel sexy: their severe pride in themselves?  
  
Megolas: (Frustrated towards the Dwarf) Damn it, Brimli! This is no time to argue about what makes Elves feel sexy! (In a quick, simple tone) Besides, you're wrong.  
  
Jimagorn: (Placing a hand upon his chest as he speaks to the two) I'll say she's wrong! Everybody knows that I'm the sexiest beast in this whole clan!  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) By whose authority?  
  
Jimagorn: (Incredulously) Oh, come now! Even you cannot hide your severe attraction of my manly physique!  
  
Brimli: (With a small laugh) I don't think you're sexy!  
  
Megolas: (Crossing her arms stubbornly) Nor do I!  
  
Jimagorn: (Puffing out his chest indignantly) In my fantasies you do!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) Damn it, Jimagorn! I told you to stop picturing me in your fantasies!  
  
King Kevoden: (Brow knitted in frustration) Uh, excuse me! I think we should be concentrating on protecting the fortress of Helm's Deep and saving the people of Edoras from doom!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily towards King Kevoden) Oh please! I think that can wait for a while! (Looking at King Kevoden, he suddenly realizes it cannot, and turns about to face the king, speaking grimly) If you do not wish to call for reinforcements, then you must stand and fight! If you value the lives of your citizens, have your Men fight!  
  
Megolas: (Curiously) Er-wouldn't you lose more lives that way?  
  
Jimagorn: (After a moment of staring incredulously at Megolas) Yes.  
  
(Realizing what must be done, King Kevoden turns on his heel and heads back into the fortress, Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli following close behind. We see Commander Awry run up to King Kevoden, with a slice of Easy Bake cake clasped in his hand)  
  
Commander Awry: (Briskly) Hello, King Kevoden! Would you like some Easy Bake cake, sir? I saved some for you. (Holds cake to King Kevoden)  
  
King Kevoden: (Irritably) Dang it, Commander Awry! I've no time for your blasted cakes! I've got major orders for you, sir, and I'm-(Takes a great whiff of the cake and suddenly looks intrigued) Wait a tick-(Points at the cake) are those sprinkles?  
  
Commander Awry: (With a small shrug) Yes.  
  
(King Kevoden shrugs, takes the cake from Commander Awry, and devours it. The king eats, looking like he's savoring the flavor)  
  
King Kevoden: (Through a mouth of cake) Quite nice-texture is to die for! Haven't had such great cakes since my son's funeral cake.  
  
Commander Awry: (Awkwardly) Er-Your Highness, you wanted to say something about my orders?  
  
King Kevoden: (Coming to his senses) Ah, yes! (Swallows his cake and speaks carelessly) Get your troops ready for battle, commander.  
  
Commander Awry: (Shocked) Excuse me, sire? Battle?  
  
King Kevoden: (Simply, heading into the fortress) Yeah.ten-thousand Urak- hai Members coming our way-get any man or boy that can carry a sword. That is all.  
  
Commander Awry: (Shouting back at the king) Wait a moment, sire! There was nothing in the pamphlet concerning Edoras Commanders about this!  
  
(The king doesn't respond, and Commander Awry, looking quite frazzled, follows his king inside the fortress. Then, we abruptly change the scene, and see the Fangorn Forest. As he speaks, we go to Big Nuts, with Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck sitting upon his limbs, examining the scene around them. Big Nuts speaks in his slow tone as he walks into a simple-but fairly large-clearing)  
  
Big Nuts: In over two centuries, never have I thought that it would lead to this. But the events transpiring throughout the days have left the Ents little choice. Now-everything relies on this. (Waves around the clearing, indicating it to the hobbits) Entmoot.  
  
Rippin Took: (Curiously) What's that?  
  
Big Nuts: (Seriously) 'Tis a gathering.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Curiously) A gathering of what?  
  
Rippin Took: (Sarcastically towards Jessie Brandybuck) Hmm, "Entmoot".Ent- moot! What in the world could that be a gathering of? (Incredulously) Honestly, Jessie Brandybuck! And I thought I was the stupid one!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Frowning at Rippin Took) Gees, don't use too much sarcasm, Rippin!  
  
Rippin Took: (Eyes widening) I thought I did.  
  
(A sudden, ominous boom sounds, causing the hobbits to stop their arguing and grab a hold of the Ent's limbs. Suddenly, we see-appearing from different parts of the clearing-many different Ents; Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took stare about in amazement, taking in the brilliant sight of so many tree-like creatures. Big Nuts merely continues to talk, clearly not as interested in the scene)  
  
Big Nuts: (Indicating different Ents) Beech.oak.and some other trees in there somewhere.(Waves his hand as if it's not important) These are great friends and relatives-ones who are known throughout the Ent society well.  
  
(Rippin Took looks at the different Ents-they are not the most attractive beings, of course. Some of the Ents stare back at the hobbit with twisted faces. Rippin Took gives an awkward smile)  
  
Rippin Took: (To be nice) Er-they're nice. (We see Big Willy walk over to Big Nuts, and stand right beside him. Big Nuts looks happy at the other's presence)  
  
Big Nuts: (To Big Willy) You came.  
  
Big Willy: (In the same, slow tone of the Ent) Of course.I wouldn't miss it for the world.  
  
Big Nuts: (In a simple tone) You got fired from your job again, didn't you?  
  
Big Willy: (With a shrug) Yeah-had nothing else to do tonight.  
  
Big Nuts: (With a small chuckle) Coincidentally that is the same reason they fired you, huh?  
  
Big Willy: (Nods) You could say that.  
  
Big Nuts: (Talking to the hobbits, and indicating Big Willy) This is my brother, Big Willow.everybody around here just calls him Big Willy.  
  
(Rippin Took begins to laugh hysterically, almost falling from her perch upon Big Nuts. Jessie Brandybuck tries to shush her friend angrily, afraid that the Ents might be offended. But Big Nuts appears to not have noticed)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a serious tone) The Ents gather tonight to decide upon something very important.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Anxiously) Whether you will go to war?  
  
Big Nuts: (Shakes his head quickly as he hears this) Hmm? Well, I was going to present the Entmoot the question of whether we should get a new sprinkler system-but I suppose we could include that in there too. (Speaking to the Entmoot) Fellow Ents, Beeches, willows, oaks, (In a careless tone) senior citizen Ents.  
  
(The Senior Citizen Ents give a weak shout, and we see that they are bent, rotting creatures with mushrooms growing from them)  
  
Senior Citizen Ent#1: (Leaning upon his cane and speaking in a raspy tone) What'd ya say there, Big Nuts? You like ants? I don't see what you had to call us here for!  
  
Senior Citizen Ent#2: (Irritably, putting his wooden dentures back into his mouth) Yeah! What's so gosh danged important that I had to miss Madlock for this?  
  
Big Nuts: (Patiently) I said, "Fellow-Ents"! And I gather each of you here today to involve you in an important decision-one that could affect the lives of every one of us. (Letting a spasm of silence pass over the group) Now, are we missing any. (We suddenly hear Blonde Ent shout from behind the trees outside the clearing)  
  
Blonde Ent: (In her usual, retarded tone) Wait! I'm coming!  
  
(Blonde Ent steps into the clearing and all the Ents give a very angry groan)  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) Who invited her?  
  
Big Willy: (Also angrily) Don't look at me! I invited Amos! (Points at Amos in the Senior Citizen Ents section)  
  
Amos: (Angrily at Big Willy) I didn't want to come, either! I want to watch Wheel of Fortune!  
  
Big Nuts: (Irritably) Enough! (When the Entmoot quiets) We must begin our council.  
  
(Another spout of silence issues from the Ents. Finally, Rippin Took speaks up)  
  
Rippin Took: (To Big Nuts) Er-before you begin your meeting, there, Big Nuts, do you think I could go to the bathroom?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In an incredulous hiss at Rippin Took) Rippin!  
  
Rippin Took: (Irritably) Hey! It's been over three days! I've really got to pee! I won't be that long, either! I'll just run in the forest, find the nearest tree, and-  
  
(Rippin Took stops speaking immediately as the Ents give a shocked gasp. Rippin Took looks very shifty-eyed at this)  
  
Rippin Took: (Quickly correcting herself) Did I say, "tree"? I meant- stream!  
  
(Once again, the Ents give a horrified gasp. Jessie Brandybuck puts her face in her hands. Rippin Took is rather embarrassed)  
  
Rippin Took: (Clicking her tongue) Well-this is awkward. 


	22. Scene Twenty Two: Battle Preparations

Scene Twenty-Two  
  
(We go back to Helm's Deep, where many of the citizens of Edoras- particularly the women and children-are being led deep into the fortress; into the Glittering Caves, which is a protective area for times of battle. The citizens enter, each one looking very frightened or confused at the scene taking place-they clearly cannot truly believe King Kevoden's claim that they are going into battle. Erynwyn is being led by Commander Awry, looking very irritable)  
  
Erynwyn: (Angrily) This is so stupid! I should be fighting!  
  
Commander Awry: (Coolly) You know, you remind me of somebody.my son before he got himself killed in battle!  
  
Erynwyn: (Choosing to ignore the comment) This is ridiculous! If any of your men were down here, choosing to remain safe than to stand and fight, you would come down here, accuse them of cowardice, and make them fight! Why am I, therefore, an exception?  
  
Commander Awry: (Seriously) Because you are the king's niece, and if anything happened to you, he would never forgive himself!  
  
Erynwyn: (Crossing her arms stubbornly) He worries about me for no reason! I am a seasoned fighter! I can defend myself!  
  
Commander Awry: (Furrowing his brow) Will you knock it off, already? I know how much you want to be with Jimagorn, but you've got to stay down here with the other women and children, okay?  
  
Erynwyn: (Raising her eyebrow) Jimagorn? What're you talking about?  
  
Commander Awry: (Slyly) You know, Jimagorn.your boyfriend!  
  
Erynwyn: (With a small laugh, but looking very shifty eyed) I've no idea what you're talking about!  
  
Commander Awry: (With a great laugh) Oh, come on! It's so obvious the way you flirt with him all the time! You're always around him! Don't think nobody's noticed, lady! (In a high-pitched voice, imitating Erynwyn) "Jimagorn, let me show you how I sword fight!" "Jimagorn, let me walk besides you on the plains!" "Jimagorn, let me wear high heels and a bikini as I play with your hair flip!"  
  
(Erynwyn stares at Commander Awry with very wide eyes. Commander Awry looks around as if he's said too much-way too much. Then, he clears his throat uncomfortably)  
  
Commander Awry: (Uncomfortably) Er-I gotta go. (Commander Awry quickly walks away, leaving Erynwyn alone. She gives a frustrated sigh and sits upon a nearby rock. Then, Erynwyn looks around at the other people within the cave. We see the depressing sight of many elderly men being taken away by soldiers to fight-away from their families or wives. We see Elderly Man of Edoras saying his farewells to Elderly Woman of Edoras; Soldier of Edoras#16 stands nearby)  
  
Elderly Man of Edoras: (Grimly) Well, I guess I'll get going now.  
  
Elderly Woman of Edoras: (Angrily) They cannot do this! You are too old to fight!  
  
Elderly Man of Edoras: (Sternly) The king said that he needed all the men who could fight! I'm fighting-(In a low voice, indicating the nearby soldier) besides, if I don't fight, he'll probably kill me anyways.  
  
Elderly Woman of Edoras: (Sadly) But-what if I never see you again?  
  
Elderly Man of Edoras: (With a small smile) Now, don't talk like that, dear; I'm not going to die anytime soon! (With a small shrug as a second thought) But, just in case, you know where my will is. (With a dark whisper) And take that moocher Sid off of it! I don't want him taking anything from my cold, dead hands!  
  
(With that, Soldier of Edoras#16 takes Elderly Man of Edoras away, and we see another depressing sight. Many boys are being taken from their families, their eyes alight with fear and confusion-amidst the old and middle-aged, where are they to fit in? Mothers cry out as their young boys are taken from them, hoping that the soldiers will bring them back. Erynwyn watches this with a stone-faced expression-she suddenly realizes that the waiting will be much harder than the fighting. We then see Commander Awry & Lieutenant Philips walking about the compound, speaking to one another as they walk)  
  
Commander Awry: (In a practical tone) So, if you really think about it, Lieutenant Philips, with the right insoles and size, high heels wouldn't be that uncomfortable after all!  
  
Lieutenant Philips: (Nodding slowly, but speaking in an awkward tone) Er- right.  
  
(The two stop at the doorway of the main compartment, where King Kevoden stares at the wall-thinking to himself and wondering what has become of everything. Commander Awry & Lieutenant Philips look at one another curiously)  
  
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) Ah no! He's staring at the wall again! Every time he does that, he's preparing some big, dramatic speech to tell the first person to walk into the room-that's why there were no janitors in the Golden Hall recently! (In a low tone) I'm not going to go in there!  
  
Lieutenant Philips: (With wide eyes) Well, I'm not going in there!  
  
Commander Awry: (In an agitated tone) Don't look at me! I just had to take his brat niece down to the Glittering Caves-I'm not going to be his personal audience member to his boring speech!  
  
Lieutenant Philips: (With a small shrug) Well, somebody's gotta go in!  
  
Commander Awry: (After thinking about it for a while) We'll play row-sham- bow for it!  
  
Lieutenant Philips: (With a small scowl) Rock-paper-scissors?  
  
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) You got a better idea?  
  
(With a small sigh, Lieutenant Philips nods. The commander and lieutenant ball one of their hands into a fist and make to play rock-paper-scissors. With one go, Commander Awry has scissors, but Lieutenant Philips has rock. With a small curse, Commander Awry goes into the room, Lieutenant Philips quickly walking away from the area. Commander Awry heads towards King Kevoden, who seems to have not noticed the other's appearance)  
  
Commander Awry: (After a moment of silence) King Kevoden, your men are ready for battle. (When the king does not answer) Sire?  
  
King Kevoden: (Distantly) Who am I, Commander Awry?  
  
Commander Awry: (Angrily) Ah crap! Are you going through that amnesia thing again?  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily to Commander Awry) No, you fool! I was just trying to sound solemn and troubled! Now, (Once again, in his distant voice) who am I, Commander Awry-(Quickly) figuratively speaking.  
  
Commander Awry: (Concerned) You are our king, my lord!  
  
King Kevoden: (With a small smile) And do you trust your king?  
  
Commander Awry: (With a small shrug as he picks of the king's armor and makes towards him) Well, to be totally honest, not really. One moment, you're a rotting corpse of a king, and the next, you're a great leader leading many into battle into a whole bunch of Urak-hai Members.  
  
(Commander Awry stops his speaking as King Kevoden gives the other a dark scowl)  
  
Commander Awry: (Seriously) .but, your men are willing to follow you at any end. (Commander Awry fastens King Kevoden's breastplate tightly about him. King Kevoden doesn't move, thinking about the events about to transpire. Finally, King Kevoden begins his speech, drawing an annoyed eye-roll and sigh from Commander Awry)  
  
King Kevoden: (Quite dramatically) How strange-how odd that everything is led to this. Those who choose to not involve themselves in the fight are somehow guided towards it. How odd that we are the targets in this war of evil, this onslaught of terror for which we do not apply ourselves. We go to so many bounds to overcome those who oppose us, yet what is it all for? We leap over so many barriers to be sure that others are protected around us, yet nobody comes to our aid.  
  
(King Kevoden uses his hands as he speaks, emphasizing his point, but it is most annoying to Commander Awry, who is desperately trying to slip the king's gauntlets on. As King Kevoden speaks next, he stops waving his hands about, and Commander Awry quickly fastens the gauntlets on)  
  
King Kevoden: (In his dramatic, questioning voice) Where are they? Where are the horse and the rider? Where are those who need to come and help us in our time of need?  
  
(As King Kevoden speaks next, he moves about the chamber dramatically, causing Commander Awry to dart behind the king, desperately trying to fasten on the king's shin guards, but unable to do so because of the king's countless strides)  
  
King Kevoden: (Clutching his fist dramatically) They are gone like the sands of time, lost from view like winds upon the mountainside.never to be seen and never to be touched. What takes them so long? Why have they sent no word as to where they are? When will they come, if they choose to come at all?  
  
Commander Awry: (Angrily, in a mock dramatic tone) Why do you insist upon moving around so freakin' much?  
  
King Kevoden: (Looking down at Commander Awry with wide eyes) I'm being dramatic, commander!  
  
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) Well, it's really annoying! Will you just hold still so I can fasten your armor on you so you won't die?  
  
(Rolling his eyes, King Kevoden stands still. Commander Awry uses the moment to place the shin guards upon the king, then moves to retrieve the king's marvelous sword. As he does so, King Kevoden speaks)  
  
King Kevoden: (Distantly) As we prepare ourselves, I cannot help but wonder one thing.  
  
(Commander Awry hands the sword to the king, who studies it for a while before saying what he has to say)  
  
King Kevoden: (Dramatically) .did I remember to lock the Golden Hall doors before I left?  
  
Commander Awry: (After staring incredulously at the king for a moment) Er- King Kevoden, I believe we should be asking ourselves, "How did it come down to this?"  
  
King Kevoden: (Furrowing his brow) But we already know how it came down to this! We knew from the beginning of this movie, and from the Fellowship of the Movie!  
  
Commander Awry: (Angrily) Well-you're the one that likes to be dramatic! I would've thought you would have liked to say something other than, "Did I remember to lock the Golden Hall doors before I left"?  
  
King Kevoden: (Seriously) Well-that's pretty dramatic, isn't it?  
  
(Commander Awry rolls his eyes; it's going to be a long battle ahead of them. Then, we experience another scene change, and see a large room, where many ordinary citizens of Edoras or young boys are clustered. Soldiers are handing out any weapons they can carry. Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli are also in the room seeing things through or just hanging out)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#18: (Speaking over the crowd) Okay! We're all out of swords! Those who don't have weapons can either have a spear (Hold up a large spear) or a Kaiser-blade (Holds up a lawn-mower blade).  
  
Citizen of Edoras#25: (Curiously) Isn't that supposed to be a lawn-mower blade?  
  
Citizen of Edoras#22: (In same curiosity) I think it's a sling-blade.  
  
Soldier of Edoras#18: (Carelessly) Ah-some people call it a sling-blade, I call it a Kaiser-blade! Now, who wants one?  
  
(Many citizens crowd about the soldiers, collecting the necessary weapons they will need. Among the citizens are elderly men, men of average age, or even teenage boys. Jimagorn is looking about the area with a grim expression)  
  
Jimagorn: (Grimly) Old men.stable boys.local bums and free-loaders.  
  
Citizen of Edoras#18: (Angrily) HEY!  
  
Jimagorn: (Ignoring the shout and speaking with a stone-faced expression) This is no army-(He allows for a small pause before continuing, his attitude becoming more enthused as he goes) this is the best, danged army in all of Rohan! Am I right folks? (Many of the citizens and soldiers shout out in triumph. Jimagorn touches himself upon the chest, clearly proud of himself. Megolas is looking very disappointed with the results, however-she did not expect so few people to be fighting)  
  
Jimagorn: (Noting the Elf's attitude and speaking jovially) Ah come on, Megolas! Have a little faith in these dudes!  
  
Megolas: (In a very bitter tone, speaking to Jimagorn) They are frightened.you can see it in their eyes!  
  
(A horrible hush falls over the crowd-obviously, Megolas spoke louder than she had anticipated. Many of the citizens glare towards Jimagorn & Megolas. Jimagorn gives an awkward smile)  
  
Jimagorn: (Mouthing towards the crowd) Time of the month, you know.  
  
Megolas: (Speaking to Jimagorn in Elvish, looking very serious) And why shouldn't they be? Five hundred.against ten thousand!  
  
Jimagorn: (Also speaking to Megolas in Elvish, trying to assure her friend) They are trained to fight at an early age-hope is with them-!  
  
Megolas: (Seriously speaking in Elvish) Jimagorn, there is no hope for these people!  
  
Jimagorn: (Eyes widening as he speaks in Elvish) Well, that's very pessimistic of you!  
  
Megolas: (Continues in Elvish) They are all going to die!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily shouting at Megolas in English) Then I shall die as one of them!  
  
(Another awkward hush falls over the crowd-apparently, nobody saw that coming)  
  
Citizen of Edoras#20: (To Citizen of Edoras#24) What was that about?  
  
Citizen of Edoras#24: (With a small shrug) I don't know-I thought they were talking about cobbler. (Licks his lips as he thinks of it) Mmm, cobbler.  
  
(With a horrible glare at Megolas, Jimagorn turns on his heel and leaves the chamber-still clutching his chest valiantly)  
  
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes) Jimagorn-!  
  
(Megolas makes to chase after Jimagorn, but Brimli holds the Elf back)  
  
Brimli: (Sternly) Let him go.after he's had a good sulk, he'll be right as rain.  
  
(Megolas still looks a bit concerned-she probably realizes the rashness of her words and believes them best to have been left alone. Then, we go to the outside of the fortress, to the main wall, where soldiers and officials are running around, trying to fulfill last minute orders and make sure that everything is well in order. We see Jimagorn sit upon a staircase, thinking about the battle that is drawing closer and closer-trying to push away the odds-comforting himself by stroking his chest. Then, we see Gareth walk down the stairs, looking at a sword, and stopping just a few feet away from Jimagorn. Gareth is only a child, probably in his early teens, with shoulder length dark brown hair. Jimagorn looks at the child, who is trying to decide which way is best to hold his sword)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small smile at Gareth) Give me your sword.  
  
(Gareth-who is holding the sword by its blade-is quick to reply. One look at Jimagorn tells the child whom he is staring at. Jimagorn holds the other's sword for a while, measuring its balance and studying its slick design)  
  
Jimagorn: (Speaking to Gareth, but not looking at him) What is you name?  
  
Gareth: (Nervously) Gareth, son of Gama.  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking up at Gareth quickly) Ah-Gama.(Waiting for a moment before asking) Er-he's the one who got his face bitten off by the Warg, right?  
  
Gareth: (Furrowing his brow) Yeah.  
  
(Jimagorn nods simply, then resumes studying the sword. Gareth, unnerved by the silence of the other, decides to speak)  
  
Gareth: (In a simple tone) They say that we will not last throughout the night.(With a small smile) that we do not have a hope in the world.  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking at Gareth quickly) Er-a skinny, good-looking Elf didn't happen to talk to you, did she?  
  
Gareth: (Shaking his head) Er-no.but I did get a talking to from a really fat guy with black hair.  
  
Jimagorn: (Raising an eyebrow) You mean Commander Awry?  
  
Gareth: (Shrugging) I dunno!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small sigh) Well, whoever it was, perhaps that person was right in saying what they did.  
  
(Gareth scowls at the other-probably surprised at the other's pessimism. Then, Jimagorn gets up and swings the sword about easily. Then, we see Jimagorn give a smile at the sword)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a shrug) Then again, this is a good sword.  
  
(Jimagorn looks at Gareth and his face falls slightly. Gareth's shoulder length hair is cut pretty short and unevenly-and the boy is wearing a very horrified expression upon his face)  
  
Jimagorn: (Handing the sword back to Gareth awkwardly) Uh, sorry about that.  
  
Gareth: (In a small, frightened tone) Oh, no problem. I-was hoping to get a hair cut anyways. (Gives a small laugh) Uh-excuse me.  
  
(Gareth quickly shuffles away, and Jimagorn watches the boy go with pride etched upon his face)  
  
Jimagorn: (To himself) Perhaps hope is with us yet.  
  
(We then see Jimagorn pull on a shirt of heavy mail-it barely nicks his hair flip, but he quickly pats the flip to put it back into perfect condition. Jimagorn then picks up a pair of mail gloves, shakes his head at them, and throws them aside. Jimagorn then bends and picks up a huge box that reads: "Jimagorn's Mail Gloves". Jimagorn opens the box and begins to examine the many gloves. Then, he senses somebody is watching him, and Jimagorn looks up. Megolas is standing nearby, leaning upon her bow, and smiling awkwardly at Jimagorn. Jimagorn goes back to looking through his gloves stubbornly)  
  
Jimagorn: (Coolly) I should certainly hope you're here to deliver a huge apology, 'cause you're not getting any of my mail gloves!  
  
Megolas: (Furrowing her brow at the other) Why would I want your mail gloves? I've got my own! (Pulls out a pair of nice looking, greenish ones) Besides, you've got gargantuan hands!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Not making it better, Megolas!  
  
Megolas: (Taking a breath and realizing why she's here) Okay, I'm sorry, Jimagorn.  
  
(Jimagorn looks at the Elf seriously)  
  
Megolas: (Continuing in a serious fashion) I was wrong to judge you, Jimagorn.never before had you led us astray; it would seem foolish of me to believe that you would do so now.  
  
Jimagorn: (Puffing out his chest with dignity) Well-dang straight! Megolas: (With a small smile) We okay, now?  
  
Jimagorn: (Stares at the Elf for a while, then he groans in dismay) Oh-I knew I couldn't stay mad at you! You're so wise.and cunning.and fine.  
  
Megolas: (Sternly) Let's leave it at that, okay?  
  
Jimagorn: (Nodding quickly) Noted. (Pulls out a pair of purple mail gloves and angrily throws them to the ground) Dang it, where are my blue ones with the tassels on 'em? (Pulls out a white, diamond covered glove)  
  
Megolas: (Her eyes widening at the brilliance of the glove) Man! Who gave you that?  
  
Jimagorn: (With a shrug) Sympathy gift from Michael Jackson. (Angrily) Stupid ninny only gave me one though! (Throws the glove inside the box)  
  
(We see Brimli trying to put a mail shirt on, but it's really big for her. Being the stubborn person she is, though, she does not want to go find another one)  
  
Brimli: (To Jimagorn & Megolas) You'd think they would make these for smaller individuals! They'd sell a lot more, I'll tell you what!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small laugh) Brimli, those are the children sizes! They're the smallest we've got!  
  
Brimli: (Defensively) Well it's not my fault your kids are a bunch of giant, freaks of nature! (Scrunches up her face) Something feels out of place, though.(Puts her helmet back on and nods) Yep.that's the ticket.  
  
(Megolas & Jimagorn roll their eyes at one another, but Brimli doesn't notice-she's heard something outside of the keep. After a while, we hear it as well-the sound of a horn blowing, but not of an Orc nature. It is almost peaceful, but powerful and stern at the same time. Megolas listens with a hint of recognition in her eyes. Jimagorn looks rather confused)  
  
Brimli: (In a curious tone) That is no Orc horn.  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Dang it! I told those guys to stop playing with the battle horns! King Kevoden's gonna be pissed at me!  
  
Megolas: (Her eyes brightening in sudden hope) Wait a moment! It's-It's- Oh, if I dare to hope! But maybe-Oh, I have to look!  
  
(And with that, Megolas darts out of the compound, Jimagorn & Brimli watching her go. Jimagorn looks severely ill tempered)  
  
Jimagorn: (Placing a hand upon his chest fondly) You know, I wish she'd tell me these things before she did them! (Yells from where Megolas exited) Megolas! Wait up!  
  
(Jimagorn exits, chasing after Megolas. Brimli makes to follow, but she trips on her mail shirt. She curses loudly as her helmet flies behind her. She stands up, but falls down almost immediately)  
  
Brimli: (Trying to sit up, but failing miserably) Ah, crap on a stick! Could this possibly get any worse?  
  
(At that moment, a huge shelf of weapons and armory fall upon Brimli)  
  
Brimli: (In a muffled, pain-stricken voice under the mass of weapons) Ah- couldn't deal without that-could we? OUCH!  
  
(We see Megolas run up to the outer wall of the fortress, looking down towards the gate with a great smile upon her face. Jimagorn follows her immediately, huffing and puffing from running)  
  
Jimagorn: (In an agitated tone) Man, Megolas! What's all this about? Just run out of the room without telling me anything! If I didn't think that running made me look sexier, I wouldn't have-!  
  
(At that moment, King Kevoden steps up to the other two, flanked by Commander Awry; both are decked out in armor and ready for battle)  
  
King Kevoden: (To Megolas, in a bemused tone) What's going on here?  
  
Megolas: (Pointing down towards the gate area) Look, King Kevoden! Help has come!  
  
Commander Awry: (Looking down and crinkling his brow) Er-that's where we throw our human waste, Megolas.  
  
Jimagorn: (In a practical tone) Yeah-it doesn't look like help, Megolas. In fact, it kind of looks like a big pile of sh-!  
  
Megolas: (Agitated, pointing a bit to the left) No! Right next to it, you fools! Near the gate!  
  
King Kevoden: (Looking down and looking quite shocked) My word!  
  
(We now direct our attention to the gated area, where we see a force other than Orc or Men heading towards Helm's Deep-they are Woodelves. There are a good number of them, marching obediently towards the doors of the gate. Then, we see Maldir, who is heading this Woodelven Army, approach the gate's doors, and-of all things she could do-knock politely and wait. Then, we hear the Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep shout from above the gates)  
  
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (Towards the Woodelven Army) Who goes there?  
  
Maldir: (Politely, though looking a bit bemused herself) It's a Woodelven Army, good sir! We're here to help defend the keep!  
  
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (After a moment of thinking) Do you have a reservation?  
  
Maldir: (Looking a bit awkward, then shouting at the gatekeeper) Er-hold on a sec! (She turns to talk to Woodelf Soldier#1, who is right next to her) Did you remember to make a reservation?  
  
Woodelf Soldier#1: (Raises his eyebrows at Maldir) Don't look at me! I thought you were talking to somebody else!  
  
Maldir: (Scolding at Woodelf Soldier#1 and shouting towards the group behind her) Okay! Who's responsibility was it to call Helm's Deep?  
  
Woodelf Soldier#8: (Shouting from within the group) Don't look at me! I thought he had it! (Points to Woodelf Soldier#9, standing right next to him)  
  
Woodelf Soldier#9: (Defensively) Hey! Don't pin this on me, bucko! I thought that that guy had it! (Indicates Woodelf Soldier#13, standing a fair distance away)  
  
Woodelf Soldier#13: (In a proud tone) I'll have you know that I've got litter box cleaning duty, so there!  
  
Woodelf Soldier#15: (In a logical tone) Wait a sec! Didn't Tibbins have it?  
  
Woodelf Soldier#16: (In a blank tone) You fool! Tibbins is dead!  
  
Woodelf Soldier#15: (In a simple tone) Well, there you go!  
  
(We hear the Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep shout down at the Woodelves)  
  
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (In an agitated tone) Look, if you want, I can put you on the waiting list, but it's a pretty long one! Your chances of actually getting in are pretty slim! We've got a huge score of Urak-hai Members heading this way, and they can be rather testy about these things!  
  
Maldir: (In a negotiating type tone) Is there any way we could get bumped up slightly? We didn't really prepare to stay outside overnight.  
  
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (Still sounding agitated) It's going to cost you! I'm thinking perhaps around-!  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily, quite on the edge of anticipation) Will you let them in, already? They're here to help us; you bunch of hopscotch-playing ninnies!  
  
(We see Soldier of Edoras#12 speak to Soldier of Edoras#27)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#12: (In a shocked tone to the other soldier) How'd he know we played hopscotch?  
  
(We avert our attention back towards the gates, which are opening quickly. With that, Maldir leads her Woodelven Army within the fortress. There is no question about it-these Woodelves move with such discipline and slickness that it seems laughable to believe that they would not survive well within battle. Each of the Woodelves is heavily armored under their cloaks, carries a long bow, and wears a belt full of weapons. King Kevoden followed by Commander Awry, rushes to meet Maldir. Both are awestricken by this force that is meant to defend the keep. Megolas & Jimagorn make their appearance as King Kevoden speaks to Maldir)  
  
King Kevoden: (In a speechless tone) What-who-er-uh-boy, this is awkward.  
  
Maldir: (Smiling at the king) I come bearing word from Noelrond, of Rivendell.  
  
(Maldir puts up a hand and the Woodelven troops stop their march obediently)  
  
Maldir: (Explaining to King Kevoden) Five hundred years ago, Elves and Men fought and died together defending the world against evil. It is time that that old alliance be recognized once again.  
  
(Megolas smiles and rushes up to clasp hands with Maldir)  
  
Megolas: (Quite happily) Maldir! Thank goodness! We had almost given up hope!  
  
(At that moment, Jimagorn pushes Megolas aside, looking very smug at the moment)  
  
Jimagorn: (To Megolas) Megolas, please! Allow me! (To Maldir, in a very solemn tone, clasping his chest with one hand and reaching the clasp hands with the Woodelf) Maldir! Thank goodness! We had-almost given up hope!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) You ninny! That's exactly what I said!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a very defensive voice) Yes-but you did not say it in a sexy voice!  
  
Maldir: (Rolling her eyes) Thank God this is only a one-time thing!  
  
Jimagorn: (Obviously not hearing Maldir's words) Maldir, meet King Kevoden!  
  
(Jimagorn indicates an awkward looking King Kevoden, who steps forward and makes to clasp hands with Maldir, but every member of the Woodelven Army looks towards the king abruptly. In one movement, the Woodelven Army turns about face, and has their bows ready to string. King Kevoden bites his cheek awkwardly, and Commander Awry whistles in amazement)  
  
Commander Awry: (In a very small tone) Well that makes me look really bad, doesn't it? 


	23. Scene Twenty Three: The Battle Begins

Scene Twenty-Three  
  
(We now see everybody who is defending the keep lined up behind the walls or somewhere else, waiting for the awaiting onslaught to come. There is a very tense silence throughout the entire area, rarely anybody is speaking or has the desire to speak. We go along the outermost wall, where there are many Woodelves lined up. As we go down the row, we see a bit of a gap in between one Woodelf and Megolas. Megolas looks down at the gap, where we see the tip of a Dwarf's helmet wave about: it's Brimli)  
  
Brimli: (Agitated) What're you looking at, freak-oid?  
  
(Megolas quickly averts her attention towards the distance ahead, and the camera catches Jimagorn standing next to her, decked out in his battle clothes and ready to fight. We take a look in the distance and see a horrifying sight: thousands of Urak-hai Members heading towards the keep, their torches lit and looking threatening. In the distance, we hear the faint sound of drums being beaten. Megolas looks upon the scene grimly)  
  
Megolas: (Quietly, to Jimagorn) Look at them, Jimagorn! Like-a thousand ants, racing for a piece of rotten meat.  
  
Jimagorn: (In an amazed tone to the Elf) Well-I was going to say that it looked like a big Risk game, but your analogy is much better!  
  
Megolas: (With a small smile at the other) Jimagorn, we are willing to stand besides you valiantly in battle.  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking very flattered) Really?  
  
Megolas: Yeah.(In a stern voice) So don't screw it up like you always do!  
  
Jimagorn: (Stubbornly) All right! All right! Gees! (Rolling his eyes) You lady Elves are all the same!  
  
(There is a great flash of light from above, followed by a great boom of thunder.there is going to be a storm. After a few ominous sounds of thunder and more flashes of lightning, the rain begins to cascade from above, showering the land. We now see the Urak-hai side, still pressing on, undaunted. Then, we see Urak-hai Member#45 stand up on a large rock protruding from the soil and begin to speak in loud roars, but the rain and sound of marching blocks out his words from the protagonists waiting at Helm's Deep. Megolas & Jimagorn look very unnerved by this Orc's appearance upon the rock-he's probably egging them on)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a small voice) What's he doing?  
  
Megolas: (In a very dark tone) He is most likely egging his troops on! To not be blessed with the tongue of Mordor is a true blessing indeed! Imagine what awful things he must be saying!  
  
(We go to Urak-hai Member#45, who is speaking in English to his troops)  
  
Urak-hai Member#45: (In a very loud voice, sounding quite annoyed) Has anyone seen my towels? They were here five minutes ago, and now they're gone! I know they didn't just get up and walk away! I remember packing them when we stopped to rest earlier, but now I cannot find them! If you would please return them, or oblige yourself into looking for them, I would be very happy! They are pink and fuzzy, and they match my robe-which is also missing!  
  
(We go back to Helm's Deep, where Jimagorn straightens his mail shirt uneasily, and we clearly catch a patch of fuzzy pink under his garments-he is wearing the Orc's robe. Megolas looks at Jimagorn with wide eyes)  
  
Megolas: (In a speechless voice) Jimagorn-!  
  
Jimagorn: (Defensively clutching his chest) He can't prove anything!  
  
(We go back to the Urak-hai troops, who have reached a fair distance towards the keep-a good run will take them to the outer walls. The troops are massive-it doesn't take a genius to tell that it will not be a fair fight. Knowing their numbers are strong, many of the Urak-hai Members begin to bang their spears upon the ground in a threatening, ominous tone. We then see King Kevoden look at Commander Awry in sudden anticipation)  
  
King Kevoden: (Quite excited and hopeful) Is that their battle plan? Are they just going to bang sticks on the earth all night long?  
  
Commander Awry: (Raising his eyebrow at the king) Er-no sir. They are trying to intimidate us.  
  
King Kevoden: (In a forlorn tone) Oh, drat!  
  
(We go to the outer wall, where Jimagorn is speaking to many Woodelves and Men who have their bows out and ready to fire)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting over the bangs and booms and rain) Show them no mercy- for you shall receive none from them! (In an offhand type of voice) Or-you might, but that would be very strange!  
  
(We go to Megolas, who has her bow drawn and held ready, is speaking to Maldir and the other Woodelven troops nearby)  
  
Megolas: (In Elvish as she looks upon the Urak-hai Members) Weak spots on them are the neck and the armpit.shoot there.  
  
Maldir: (In Elvish, looking very nervous) How can you tell?  
  
Megolas: (Her arm not quivering under the strain of holding the bow, speaking to the other in Elvish) When you've been in this position for a full five minutes, you tend to try and look at anything that will take your mind off shooting something!  
  
(We go back to the Urak-hai Members, who are still banging their sticks upon the sodden earth, kicking up much dirt and debris, but not caring. They know that they will win this fight-they have nothing but time. Then, we see Jimagorn speak to his troops loudly)  
  
Jimagorn: (Loudly and firmly) Do not fire! Only fire upon my word!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#22: (Confused) What? Did you say you were a terd?  
  
Citizen of Edoras#23: (Practically) I thought he said he was going to handle the herd!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) No, you ninnies! I said that on my word, go ahead and fire!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#25: (Very confused) Damn it, Jimagorn! I don't have time to buy new tires!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Will you listen a bit better? I said, "On my word, go ahead and fire!"  
  
Citizen of Edoras#22: (To Citizen of Edoras#21 in a confused tone) Did he say he was a liar? 'Cause if so, I'm not-!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Not "liar", you fool! "Fire"!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#24: (To Citizen of Edoras#22) "Sire"?  
  
Citizen of Edoras#22: (Loudly for the other to hear) FIRE!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#21: (Quickly, very nervous) Fire? Okay!  
  
(And before anyone can stop him, Citizen of Edoras#21 quickly fires his arrow, sending it flying towards Urak-hai Member#35. The arrow hits the Orc right under the neck, causing a deadly hush to go over the Urak-hai troops. Back at the gates, Jimagorn is looking livid)  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily shouting) HOLD YOUR FIRE!  
  
Citizen of Edoras#21: (Quickly putting his bow out of sight) Er-oopsies. (The troops defending Helm's Deep glance at one another uncomfortably-the sudden silence from the opposing force is quite unnerving. Then, Urak-hai Member#35 hits the earth roughly, dead upon the spot. Then, we see Urak- hai Member#45 upon his rock perch look up at the defenders of Helm's Deep angrily)  
  
Urak-hai Member#45: (In a very angry tone) Well-we were just going to tell you we would give you one more day, on account that it's raining and all we have is metal armor; but if you're going to come and kill my troops already, I don't see the point! My troops will fight in the rain!  
  
Urak-hai Member#46: (Quite angrily at the defenders) Yeah! I hope you're happy! I've gotta fight in this rain, and my armor's already starting to rust!  
  
Urak-hai Member#45: (In a very tough, menacing voice to his troops) More the reason to kill everyone!  
  
Urak-hai Member#67: (In a happy tone) Really?  
  
(Urak-hai Member#67 then drives his sword right into the back of nearby Urak-hai Member#66, who dies immediately. But Urak-hai Member#45 is angrily shouting at Urak-hai Member#67)  
  
Urak-hai Member#45: (Angrily) Not everyone on our side, you ninny! I meant at Helm's Deep!  
  
Urak-hai Member#67: (In a practical tone) Well, maybe you should have said that before I killed him!  
  
(Rolling his eyes at this, Urak-hai Member#45 gives a great roar, and his troops rush at the outer wall of Helm's Deep-the battle has begun. We go to Jimagorn, who is giving orders to the troops behind him, who have their bows drawn and ready to shoot)  
  
Jimagorn: (Drawing his sword and bringing it in the air) Ready and-(Brings the sword down with a shout) FIRE!  
  
(The troops fire, and Jimagorn gives a squeal of pain. He turns around and sees that one of the arrows hit him right in the rump. He pulls it out angrily)  
  
Jimagorn: (To his troops) Try not firing at me, you ninnies!  
  
Woodelf Soldier#18: (In an agitated tone) Then get the heck out of our way!  
  
Jimagorn: (With his eyes wide in shock) And out of the camera's glorious view? NEVER!  
  
(We now go to Megolas, who is with Maldir and firing arrow after arrow towards the opposing force coming towards the gate. With superb accuracy, many of the Orcs go down before they are able to take five steps towards the outer wall. But many are not a factor in this fight, and the forces keep on coming. Many of the Orcs have reached the outer wall and are trying to bring it down. But the defenders are valiant, and they begin to shoot arrows at the Orcs below; some even pull out rocks and drop them upon the heads of the enemy. Then, we see the Orc forces below begin to bring humongous ladders to the base of the outer wall-they're going to try and ascend the outer wall. But Jimagorn catches wind of what they're doing)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting) LADDERS!  
  
Woodelf Soldier#15: (Rolling his eyes as he shoots more arrows) Well, obviously!  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting to the citizens and soldiers behind him) Get defenses at the edge and make ready to cut them down! They cannot possibly scale the wall that fast!  
  
(We hear the sound of many grappling hooks attaching to the edge of the outer wall, and the ladders are beginning to make their speedy ascend. Before long, we see many Urak-hai Members start to make their way toward the defenders on the outer wall)  
  
Jimagorn: (Practically) Uh-okay, new plan! Everybody run over to them and start killing them!  
  
(Many of the soldiers and citizens make to defend the keep, but the Orcs are beginning to multiply in number-the ladder allows them to gain reinforcements for those that go down. And the Urak-hai Members charge in a suicidal manner, not caring if their own lives are taken just so long as they can kill something. The Woodelves are making their defense with arrows, and some with swords. Somehow, many of the Orcs are able to squirm away from the fray and are try to breech the keep. We see Megolas standing upon a stairwell leading to the top of the wall, watching many of the Orcs engaged in battle with many of the defenders. With one movement, Megolas grabs a nearby shield, steps on it, and inches her way towards the stairs)  
  
Megolas: (Quietly, as she draws out her bow and arrow) Tony Hawk, don't fail me now!  
  
(And with that, Megolas slides down the stairs, shooting surprised Orc after surprised Orc with arrows. We see Brimli, who is standing nearby, roll her eyes)  
  
Brimli: (In a quiet grumble) Show off!  
  
(Brimli merely shrugs and begins to fight off Urak-hai Member#56. It is a ferocious fight. The Dwarf is able to defend herself well, but the Urak- hai Member#56 is hysterical with blood lust)  
  
Urak-hai Member#56: (In a growling type voice) I look forward to devouring you! Brimli: (In a practical tone) Well, that's a pity. (Growling almost) I look forward to killing you!  
  
(With that, Brimli is able to finish the Urak-hai Member off with a quick swipe of her axe. Then, the Dwarf looks at Megolas, who is fighting off another Urak-hai Member, which she finishes off with a quick stab in the face)  
  
Brimli: (Prideful) Hey, Megolas! Thirty-seven!  
  
Megolas: (With a small shrug) No matter! I've killed thirty-nine!  
  
Brimli: (Furrowing her brow) No.I was guessing your age.  
  
Megolas: (Scowling) What makes you believe I'm so old?  
  
Brimli: (With a shrug) I'm just guessing!  
  
(We go back to the fight at hand, where Men are beginning to cut down the ladders with their swords frantically. They let out shouts of triumph when one ladder goes down, but only give shouts of dismay as another ladder makes its appearance)  
  
Elderly Man of Edoras#1: (In a very feeble voice as he cuts down another ladder) I'm getting way too old for this!  
  
King Kevoden: (To Commander Awry) Give them a volley!  
  
(With a shrug, Commander Awry throws a volleyball towards the troops, which becomes impaled upon one of the spears. Commander Awry looks back at King Kevoden)  
  
Commander Awry: (With a shrug) Didn't work, sire!  
  
King Kevoden: (Putting a hand to his head in frustration) This is going to be a long battle!  
  
(Jimagorn, who has finished off one Orc with a wave of a sword, looks towards the left of the outer wall and gives a great shout of shock. We see it too. Coming up the ramp near the outer wall towards the gate, are many Urak-hai Members, with shields covering their top)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting hysterically at the archers) The outer gate! They're at the outer gate!  
  
(We see Urak-hai Member#41, who is within the group heading towards the gate, curse and look at Urak-hai Member#48, who is next to him)  
  
Urak-hai Member#41: (Angrily) Dang it! They spotted us! We should probably turn around-!  
  
Urak-hai Member#48: (Frustrated) You fool! We have shields! I know how much you want to watch Family Matters, but we've got better things to do!  
  
Urak-hai Member#41: (In a low grumble) Not as important as Urkle!  
  
(The of the outer wall begin to shoot at the Urak-hai Members approaching the gate, but the arrows bounce off harmlessly. But the defenders are not to loose hope so easily. They continue their assault, occasionally catching one unfortunate Urak-hai Member by chance. Suddenly there is the sound of running up the ramp of the gate, and we see many of the shielded Urak-hai Members go flying. Then, we see about a good dozen Urak-hai Members bearing a huge battering ram. They begin to ram at the gate ominously, trying desperately to breech the wall. But the defenders continue their assault with more ferocity. Pretty soon, the Urak-hai Members at the gate back away, slightly subdued in number. They left a hole in their defenses and the Woodelves and Men are able to shoot at them, killing many. Pretty soon, the Urak-hai Members have retreated from the ramp, one of their plans have failed. But the Men have little time to celebrate. While one attempt to breech the wall has been subdued, there is an increased number in the amount of ladders being wrought up. But each Orc that comes up is cut down viciously, with few casualties towards their enemies. Then, we see the confident look upon King Kevoden's face)  
  
King Kevoden: (In a very confident voice) Ha! Is this your plan, Andraman? Is this all you have? Come on! Give me a real challenge!  
  
(There is a real challenge. Many of the Urak-hai Members are at the bottom of the outer wall, where there is the small gate of iron with water seeping through it-exactly what Nrima Wormfeces was talking about in scene seventeen. Many Urak-hai Members are rapidly placing spiked explosives within the gate-they mean to blow up the gate and make their way through. Jimagorn looks off the wall and furrows his brow at the amount of activity going on down near the well. Then, his face goes into a look of utmost shock as he sees Urak-hai Member#74 running up to the wall, bearing a huge torch and running through a clear pathway towards the well. Jimagorn realizes what is going on)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting at the archers and defenders) STOP HIM! HE'S GOING TO BREECH THE WALL!  
  
(Back down at the scene at hand, we see Urak-hai Member#74 running in slow motion towards the well, with the Olympics Theme Song playing in the back round. Many of the Urak-hai Members are cheering him on. Many of the defenders of the keep are shooting arrows after arrow at the Urak-hai Member, but he pushes on, undaunted by the many arrows that are stuck within his neck or skin. When he is able to reach the well, Urak-hai Member#74 dives into the well with the torch. There is a great BOOM! and an explosion of fire and spark, and Urak-hai Member#74 goes flying, screaming hysterically)  
  
Urak-hai Member#74: (As he goes flying) This wasn't part of the deal!  
  
(The wall then begins to crumble at a fair section, causing many Men or Woodelves to parish and fall down. Jimagorn then realizes what must be done)  
  
Jimagorn: (Brandishing his sword and speaking to the Woodelves behind him) Ready yourselves and follow me!  
  
Woodelf Soldier#45: (Rolling his eyes as he looks at Jimagorn) If this is about the blue mail gloves-!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) No! Follow me into battle! (Makes to go, but stops, and turns around) But-you haven't seen them, have you?  
  
(We go back to the breech in the wall, where Urak-hai Members are crawling over the rubble and wading through the water to get inside the outer wall. But Jimagorn is able to meet them head on, accompanied by Megolas, Brimli, & Commander Awry. The forces behind Jimagorn, a very good number of them, line up obediently and make to attack. An Urak-hai Member shoots an arrow, that almost gets Jimagorn in the head, but he turns away in seconds. But Jimagorn's flip has been nicked. Jimagorn places a quivering hand upon the flip and glares at the opposing force. With a great shout, Jimagorn places his sword in the air and yells for the forces behind him to attack. The Woodelves begin their assault, and many of the citizens and soldiers join the fray, trying desperately to defend the keep. We then experience a change in scenes and see the Fangorn Forest, in the dead of night, and we go back to the Entmoot. Many of the Ents are in a circle. Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took are off to the side. Rippin Took is sitting at the base of a huge tree, and Jessie Brandybuck is pacing about nervously, occasionally taking her glasses off and cleaning them in nervousness. Rippin Took doesn't seem too worried however)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a simple, non caring tone) Hoover dam, Grand Coulee dam, Brandywine dam, Shire dam, Isengard dam, stone dams, stream dams, beaver dams, wooden dams, rock dams, creek dams, great river dam, concrete d-  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Irritably) Will you stop talking about dams already?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a scowl upon her face) What else could I do with my spare time? If anybody needs to recite different dams, it's you!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Frustrated) Damn it, Rippin-!  
  
Rippin Took: (Furrowing her brow) That's not a dam!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Deciding to let this slide) Don't you understand, Rippin? The decision of this Ent Council could change Middle-Earth forever! So forgive me for being just a tad bit worried about this, okay?  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck turns away angrily, but Rippin Took merely nods softly)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a considerate tone) You're forgiven.  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck gives a great sigh of anger, but doesn't say anything. Then, we see Big Nuts turn from the Entmoot and begin to slowly walk over to the hobbits)  
  
Rippin Took: (Excitedly to Jessie Brandybuck) Jessie!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck turns around and quickly stands beside Rippin Took, who is straightening her shirt quickly. Big Nuts approaches them with huge steps and looks at them for a while)  
  
Big Nuts: (In his slow, grinding voice) The Ents-have agreed.  
  
(Big Nuts goes suddenly silent, suddenly going into a bit of a trance. Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took look at one another in curiosity)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a loud, but patient tone) Yes?  
  
Big Nuts: (Coming out of his daze) Sorry, I was wondering if I turned my stove off this morning.(Clears his throat and gets on with saying what he must say) I have told your names to the Entmoot and they have all agreed that-you are not Orcs.  
  
Rippin Took: (With a small shrug) Er-thanks, I guess.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Irritably) But-what about Andraman? Have you reached a decision about him yet?  
  
Big Nuts: (Waving a hand to push the matter aside) Patience, Miss Brandybuck! I'm getting there! I'm getting there!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) Well, could you get there a bit faster? I would like to know if you guys are going to do something or not, you know!  
  
Big Nuts: (Patiently, to calm the hobbit down) Peace, Miss Brandybuck! Peace! The use of Old Entish is very complicated, indeed. And the Ents believe that there is nothing worth saying-unless it takes-a very long-time- to-say.  
  
(And with that, Big Nuts turns away and joins the Entmoot again. Jessie Brandybuck looks quite angry at the moment)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Quietly) Well, if that's the way it is, we're going to be here for over five years!  
  
Rippin Took: (Sitting at the tree again) Eh, what're you going to do. (Goes off naming things again) Log dams, city dams, local dams, swimming dams, fishing dams, fishing boat, fishing pole, fishing tackle, fishing net, big nets, small nets.  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck puts a hand to her head in frustration before we go to the next scene) 


	24. Scene Twenty Four: Where's Jimagorn?

Scene Twenty-Four  
  
(We go back to the battle at Helm's Deep, which is quite bloody at the moment. The breech in the outer wall is quite horrible, and the battle is quite ferocious, with staggering losses for both sides. We see Megolas, who has a great gash upon her shoulder and a few cuts upon her, fighting with her bow and arrows, and occasionally whipping out her battle sword. Then, Megolas realizes that more Urak-hai Members are getting through than normal-then she realizes that the western flank is almost totally open for Urak-hai Members)  
  
Megolas: (Angrily shouting at Soldiers of Edoras#34 & 36, who is nearby) What the hell is happening here? We're losing a huge percentage of our fighters! And why is the western flank completely open?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#34: (Agitated) Don't look at me! Commander Awry commands that flank!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) Well, then, where's Commander Awry?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#36: (Brightly, and holding up a silver urn) Here he is!  
  
(Megolas stares at the urn speechlessly, her mouth open and occasionally sputtering out exclaims of shock. Both soldiers look as though nothing out of the ordinary has happened)  
  
Megolas: (Shocked) What-how-did-?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#36: (With a small shrug) I know-silver isn't really his color, but it's all we had.  
  
Megolas: (Still shocked) How did this happen?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#36: (Practically) Well, he was fighting a huge band of Urak-hai Members, things got really hot, and well-(With another shrug) that's all he wrote.  
  
Megolas: (Angrily pointing at the urn) Who was watching him when this happened?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#35: (In a small voice) Lieutenant Philips.  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) Well, where's Lieutenant Philips?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#36: (Holds up a copper urn) Here he is!  
  
(Megolas gives a great shout of disgust and leaps into the western flank, where there is a staggering amount of Orcs. Megolas is able to subdue a fair few with her excellent shooting abilities, but there are still way too many for her to hold off herself. Then, Brimli, who is climbing on the edge of the outer wall, sees her friend is in peril, and rushes to meet her. Brimli runs along the edge, shouts, and jumps right into a small group of Urak-hai Members rushing towards Megolas, cutting off their heads with one quick swipe of her axe. Then, we see Soldier of Edoras#27, who is also standing on the edge of the wall, watching Brimli's spectacle with astonishment)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#27: (In a very proud voice) Wow! I want to do that, too!  
  
(And with that, Soldier of Edoras#27 runs along the wall, and jumps likes Brimli did-only to be impaled upon many of the Urak-hai spears)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#27: (In a weak, dying tone) Should-have-shouted!  
  
(We go back to the scene of Brimli & Megolas, fighting off many Urak-hai Members maliciously. When the Urak-hai Members have been subdued, both Megolas & Brimli look at one another)  
  
Megolas: (With a small nod of recognition) Thanks, Brimli.  
  
Brimli: (With a small shrug) Ah, I needed the exercise.  
  
(Megolas smiles at Brimli, then looks about. Amid the fray and fighting, she does not see one person)  
  
Megolas: (Furrowing her brow) Where's Jimagorn?  
  
(We suddenly go to a bathroom inside of Helm's Deep, where Jimagorn is fixing his hair flip at the mirror, singing to himself as he tries to fix the nicked hair-flip)  
  
Jimagorn: (In the tune of "I Touch Myself") I don't want-anybody else-when I think about me, I touch myself! (Strokes his chest adoringly)  
  
(The bathroom door bangs open, and Megolas is standing in the entrance, looking livid with anger at seeing Jimagorn in there)  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking very shocked at Megolas' appearance) Megolas! This is a men's bathroom! You're not supposed to be in here! Look, I know how much you're secretly attracted to me, but it's not going to prove anything if you keep cornering me in the most awkward places! (Looks at the Elf's battle haggard appearance) Ugh.you look horrible.  
  
Megolas: (Angrily, coming inside of the bathroom) Perhaps I look horrible because I've had to fight off a whole bunch of Urak-hai members, while somebody has been hiding out in the bathroom! What the hell are you doing in here?  
  
Jimagorn: (Incredulously) I'm fixing my hair! Hello! You saw what that Urak-hai Member did to my hair flip!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) I don't care if he burnt your whole flippin' hair off! The fight is out there! (Points towards the door) We need you to command forces!  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking at the Elf with a raised eyebrow) You need me?  
  
Megolas: (Furrowing her brow) Well, yeah! I mean-(Sighs angrily) Look, I'm going to be the first person to tell anybody that you're as dumb as a sod and that you're a self-adoring psycho, but I know a good leader when I see one.  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small smile on his face) You think I'm a good leader?  
  
Megolas: (Crossing her arms and allowing a small smile to pass on her lips) A spanking good one.  
  
Jimagorn: (Slyly) So you are attracted to me!  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) No, you pervert! Gees! I'm just saying that you're a good leader! If anybody can lead and command us in battle, it's you.  
  
Jimagorn: (Furrowing his brow) So-you admire me?  
  
Megolas: (Firmly) No.I respect you; I just don't like you!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small smile) Thanks, Megolas.  
  
Megolas: (Shrugs) Ah, it's in my gender.  
  
(For a while, the two don't say anything. Jimagorn finally realizes that Megolas-although rather stern with him-is willing to help him if he needs it. Jimagorn finally clears his throat)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a bright tone) Well, now that that's settled, you can wait outside till I'm done.  
  
Megolas: (Frustrated) Jimagorn! Haven't you forgotten something?  
  
Jimagorn: (After thinking for a while) Oh right! (Picks up a hairspray can) Hairspray! Good eye, Megolas! (Sprays some on his flip)  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) The battle, stupid! We need your help! You've got to fight!  
  
Jimagorn: (Waving it aside with a small wave of his hand) Megolas, be patient! Don't you understand it yet? Megolas: (Raising her eyebrow) Understand what?  
  
Jimagorn: (As though this is obvious) The outcome of this battle? Can't you predict it? How do all the fights go? Think about it! Good versus evil-right versus wrong-extremely attractive versus the hideously ugly!  
  
Megolas: (Crossing her arms impatiently) What're you getting at?  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking at the Elf with a small smile) Think, Megolas! In all of the fights of good versus evil, good always triumphs! So you see, all we've gotta do is stand aside and let it run its course! And what happens? Evil shrinks away, licking its poisoned wounds, and good always triumphs, holding the golden cup of victory over their heads! Why worry ourselves about it so much? We're gonna win!  
  
Megolas: (In an anxious tone) Jimagorn, it's more complicated than that! Good has to put some effort into the fight against evil or evil will win! There are over ten thousand Urak-hai Members out there, Jimagorn! We've gotta fight them off as best we can!  
  
Jimagorn: (Impatiently) Oh, Megolas, keep your cool, already! (In a very small voice) And go take a Midol.  
  
Megolas: (Dangerously) Excuse me?  
  
Jimagorn: (Effortlessly, trying to reassure the Elf) Megolas, calm down! We've got nothing to worry about! The battle is under perfect control!  
  
(At that moment, a wall to the bathroom caves in as Soldier of Edoras#28 & Urak-hai Member#60, locked in battle, crash into the bathroom and fight viciously. Soldier of Edoras#28 takes Urak-hai Member#60 to a nearby stall, where he places the Orc's head down the toilet. Urak-hai Member#60 shouts out in pain, but it comes out as a gurgle. Then, Soldier of Edoras#28 is able to stab the Urak-hai Member#60 in the back, where the Urak-hai Member#60 dies, his head still in the toilet. Soldier of Edoras#28 makes to leave, but he notices Jimagorn & Megolas. Quickly, the soldier rushes over to where Jimagorn is and grabs the hairspray. Soldier of Edoras#28 pulls out his own comb and begins to quickly fix his hair. Once it is in the condition he wants it, Soldier of Edoras#28 sprays his hair with the hairspray, puts the bottle back where it was, pockets the comb, and looks at the stunned Elf and Man)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#28: (In a gruff voice) Excuse me.  
  
(And with that, Soldier of Edoras#28 dashes towards the bathroom door and exits back towards the battle. Megolas & Jimagorn stare incredulously after him)  
  
Megolas: (Furrowing her brow) The Race of Man-are a bunch of idiots!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) I'll say.(Picks up his hairspray and scolding at the door) He didn't even ask for the hairspray!  
  
(Megolas rolls her eyes at this. Then, we go back to the Fangorn Forest, where the Entmoot is still in Council. Then, Big Nuts turns away and begins to walk towards where Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are standing. Both the hobbits look at the Ent with anticipation-this could be the moment they've been waiting for)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a very excited tone to Rippin Took) This is it, Rippin! This is the important moment we've been waiting for!  
  
Big Nuts: (In his grinding voice) After much careful deliberation with the Entmoot, we have come to the conclusion that-Jean-luc Picard is much more attractive than Patrick Stewart will ever be.  
  
(The hobbits stare at the Ent incredulously for the longest moment)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a logical tone to Jessie Brandybuck) You're right, Jessie- that is important.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Trying to keep her anger in check, taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes in frustration) But what about Andraman? What have you decided about him? Are you going into war or not?  
  
Big Nuts: (After thinking about it for a while) You know-I plum forgot about that! It just slipped my mind! (Waves his hand over his head) It just whooshed right past me!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily, looking up at the Ent) You forgot? (Puts her glasses back on, and speaks angrily to Big Nuts) How could you forget? Look, you big twig with legs-(Points towards the outside of the forest) Our friends our out there! They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own! Please-decide something now!  
  
(There is a great silence after Jessie Brandybuck's words, then Rippin Took, who has been thinking for a while, breaks the silence)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a logical tone, with her brow furrowed) Wait a moment- aren't Jean-luc Picard and Patrick Stewart the same people?  
  
Big Nuts: (After thinking about it for a moment) Holy fish nuggets, she's right!  
  
Big Willy: (From within the group) Well that changes everything!  
  
Big Nuts: (Nodding) Yes! It does! (Looks at the hobbits and speaks in a low tone to them) This'll probably take a while.  
  
(And with that, Big Nuts turns back to the Entmoot so they can have another council. Jessie Brandybuck angrily looks at Rippin Took and smacks her over the head)  
  
Rippin Took: (Rubbing her head painfully) Ow! What was that for?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) You had to mention that little detail, didn't you, Rippin?  
  
Rippin Took: (Angrily) Well, they are two different people! 


	25. Scene Twenty Five: The Secret Weapon

Scene Twenty-Five  
  
(Once more, we find ourselves back at Helm's Deep, where the battle is heating up ferociously. Just because the outer wall has been breeched, however, it does not mean that the defenders of the keep are giving up so easily. Then, we see Soldier of Edoras#89 standing next to a large snack table within Helm's Deep, relaxing as he drinks a cup of punch. Then, we see Urak-hai Member#98 approach the table casually)  
  
Urak-hai Member#98: (Nodding at the soldier casually as he serves himself some punch) How's it goin'?  
  
(Soldier of Edoras#89 looks at the Urak-hai Member#98 and gags upon his drink, staring at the Orc with a great look of shock. The Orc simply leans against the table, drinking his punch casually)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#89: (In a shocked tone) Aren't you on the-aren't you one of the-?  
  
Urak-hai Member#98: (Still casually) The opposing forces? (Allows himself a small laugh) Yep.  
  
Soldier of Edoras#89: (Still shocked) So, aren't you supposed to be-?  
  
Urak-hai Member#98: (Finishing the thought with a laugh) Fighting on the other side? Yeah-but our side doesn't have punch and cookies! (Sips his punch, and strikes to make conversation) So-who's winning?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#89: (In a speechless tone) Isn't it obvious?  
  
Urak-hai Member#98: (With a shrug) Got me! I'm one of the back dwellers- that's rather nasty! (Munches on a cookie) So-kill any of us, lately?  
  
Soldier of Edoras#89: (Slowly) Well, if you mean recently, then no.but right now-(Pulls out his sword and stabs Urak-hai Member#98) is a different matter.  
  
(Urak-hai Member#98 falls to the ground, horribly wounded, and Soldier of Edoras#89 rushes off to fulfill some more duties)  
  
Urak-hai Member#98: (In a weak tone) You know-if you didn't want to share the cookies-you should have said something!  
  
(We then see Janitor of Helm's Deep come by the snack table and groan at the sight of the dead Orc)  
  
Janitor of Helm's Deep: (Angrily) Damn it! That's gonna tug at our health code! Now I've gotta clean it up!  
  
(Now we see Jimagorn fighting with so much accuracy and speed that it does not seem to be like him. He fights down by the breeched wall, where many of the attacks appear to be coming from. Jimagorn is accompanied by Megolas & Brimli, along with many other soldiers and Woodelves. There is no way that the Urak-hai Members are getting through so easily with these people fighting. Then, we go back to King Kevoden, who is standing next to his new Commander, Commander Kilmage. They watch the battle unfold before them, the king looking quite forlorn at the staggering numbers. Then, we see the Urak-hai Members below begin to bring out humongous ladders-even bigger than the ones before. They release the grappling hooks ferociously, some catching onto unfortunate soldiers or Woodelves. Maldir begins to direct her remaining troops into cutting down the ladders, but the ropes are tough. Before the ladders even have a nick in them, they are being drawn up, with over hundreds of Urak-hai Members upon them, ready to breech the wall. Maldir and her troops are able to kill some of the Orcs, but some are able to scramble upon the wall. Many foot soldiers begin to fight with the Orcs, trying to dispatch them and get them away from the keep. Finally, Maldir and another Woodelven soldier are able to cut down one of the ladders. It goes cascading towards the Urak-hai forces below, taking many of its climbers with. It falls upon the Urak-hai Members, killing many)  
  
King Kevoden: (Triumphantly) HA! Take that, Andraman! Your attempts to take Helm's Deep are failing! What're going to do, now?  
  
(We suddenly see Urak-hai Member#102 speak to Urak-hai Member#45)  
  
Urak-hai Member#102: (In a malicious hiss) What do we do, sir?  
  
Urak-hai Member#45: (In an equally malicious hiss) Release our secret weapon!  
  
(Urak-hai Member#102 smiles evilly and begins to shout out in Mordor tongue for the Urak-hai Members to release the secret weapon. There is a great grating sound, like something being dragged along the earth; some of the fighting stops as people at Helm's Deep look towards the Urak-hai forces, wondering where the sound has come from. Jimagorn, who has just finished off an Orc, looks into the distance, and is accompanied shortly by Megolas)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a speechless tone) Holy shiitake mushrooms!  
  
(We see what the big deal is in the distance of the Urak-hai forces. Many of the members are dragging a huge, holding cell type of a thing-housing their secret weapon. There is a dreadful hush over the fortress as many watch the scene with horrified tones, looking quite unnerved by this new predicament. We go back to where Megolas & Jimagorn stand, looking upon the scene with blank looks upon their faces)  
  
Megolas: (In a small tone) What could it be?  
  
Jimagorn: (In a simple tone) It could be anything. A huge crossbow, a huge monster-anything!  
  
(Jimagorn stops talking as a great grinding is heard, like the opening of a great door. We see the holding cell's door slowly open, about to reveal the secret weapon of the Urak-hai Members. The defenders of the keep look onto the scene with horror upon their faces, awaiting what new evil is going to make itself evident to the battle. Then, we go to the top of the holding cell, where the door had finished opening-and we see nothing. Then, we direct our attention downwards and see-Richard Simmons, clad in a pink sleeveless shirt and very short, golden shorts)  
  
Richard Simmons: (Runs out of the holding cell and clapping his hands as he talks in his flamboyant tone) Come on, people! Let's get those buns a movin'!  
  
(We suddenly see Urak-hai Member#109 dancing about and shaking his rump about)  
  
Urak-hai Member#109: (In an ecstatic voice) Yeah! This is so good for my gluts!  
  
Richard Simmons: (Looking towards Helm's Deep) Come on, Race of Man! I see many of you have got double chins! Come on! Let's take care of that!  
  
(And with that, Richard Simmons begins to run towards the keep. Many of the defenders let out horrified shrieks)  
  
Jimagorn: (Clasping his chest in horror) AHHHHHHH! IT'S RICHARD SIMMONS!  
  
Megolas: (Slapping the other over the head) Pull yourself together man! If you value the life of you keep, you will stand and fight!  
  
(As Richard Simmons rushes towards the keep, many of the Men and Woodelves simply jump out of his way, looking and sounding horrified. Suddenly, there is a great, ominous boom that is not thunder-it is that of a battering ram. While Richard Simmons runs through the keep, there is a fresh group of Urak-hai Members at the lower gate, hitting the wood surface with a battering ram. They came unnoticed the whole time, thanks to the distraction of Richard Simmons. Many of the soldiers and Woodelves begin to try and stop this new onslaught, but the staggering number of Urak-hai Members that were able to make their way to the top of the fortress is too many. King Kevoden knows that he's going to need all the help he can get to prevent the new breech)  
  
King Kevoden: (Yelling towards Jimagorn) Jimagorn! Get your men out of there!  
  
(Jimagorn looks up at King Kevoden and nods, finishing off a new Urak-hai Member who sought to kill him while he was distracted. Megolas nods at Jimagorn to tell him that she's got his back, and Jimagorn yells at Maldir, who is standing on the outer wall)  
  
Jimagorn: (Yelling to her in Elvish) Maldir, get your troops away from there!  
  
(But Maldir is distracted as Richard Simmons runs by her. As she stares after him with a scowl on her face, Urak-hai Member#106 attacks her from behind. Maldir is quick enough to turn around and meet the Orc, but he is able to slash her across the stomach with his sword. With a cry of pain, Maldir is able to kill the Orc before turning around. Everything seems distant to Maldir as she walks, and she knows that she is going to die. She tries to get away, but Urak-hai Member#58 rushes up to her from behind and stabs her in the back. Maldir gives a great gasp of shock and is driven to her knees. We see her look at many of the dead Woodelves about her. As Urak-hai Member#58 makes to finish the Woodelf off, an arrow comes out of nowhere and hits him right in the arm. The Urak-hai Member shouts out in pain, and we see Megolas & Jimagorn come to the Woodelf's rescue, Megolas with her bow drawn and ready to shoot again, but Jimagorn leaps in front of the Urak-hai Member#58 before he can even rise to his feet. With a quick plunge, Jimagorn kills the Urak-hai Member#58. Then, Jimagorn looks at the wounded Maldir, who takes one look at the Man, and falls back. Jimagorn catches Maldir before she can hit the ground, however)  
  
Jimagorn: (Cradling the Woodelf in his arms softly) Maldir.  
  
(Megolas kneels beside the two, trying to show no emotion as she bears witness to this grim scene)  
  
Jimagorn: (Speaking softly to Maldir) Maldir, what happened?  
  
Maldir: (Distantly, and weakly) The buns-the buns blinded me.I was distracted! I'm-sorry, Jimagorn!  
  
Jimagorn: (Firmly) Don't worry, Maldir! We'll get you inside of Helm's Deep before any-!  
  
Maldir: (With a weak laugh) It is too late, Jimagorn! I feel the icy clasp of death upon me.I will not make it.  
  
Jimagorn: (Swallowing the lump of sadness building in his throat) No! You're going to make it!  
  
Maldir: (Grasping Jimagorn by the front of his shirt and speaking angrily) Cut the denial crap, Jimagorn! What are you, two? I'm going to die, and you better accept it!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Well, I'm sorry! I guess I'm sorry for taking sympathy on you!  
  
Maldir: (Speaking to Jimagorn seriously) Jimagorn, you are the last hope! Do not let Helm's Deep fall! If it falls, then the rest of Rohan will follow suit, like a huge row of dominos!  
  
Megolas: (With a shrug) Or a barrel down a waterfall.  
  
Maldir: (Angrily to the Elf) Whatever! (Makes to close her eyes and die, but she grasps Jimagorn by the shirt again, comes awake, and speaks to Jimagorn weakly) Oh, and one more thing! Tell-Ashdriel that-I do-give a damn!  
  
(Then, Maldir tilts her head to the side, releases Jimagorn, and dies. Megolas bows her head in respects, a tear streaming down her face at the grief of it all. Then, Jimagorn softly releases Maldir and brandishes a fist in the air)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a dramatic shout) DAMN YOU, ANDRAMAN!  
  
Megolas: (Furrowing her brow at Jimagorn) You know-he can't hear you!  
  
(Then, we see Andraman, who is standing on the balcony with Nrima Wormfeces, suddenly snap his attention upward and his face goes very dark)  
  
Andraman: (Angrily) YOU SHUT UP!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Curiously to his master) My lord, who are you talking to?  
  
Andraman: (Quickly, looking about for somebody) Er-I was talking to-(Points to something from the balcony) That Orc right there!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Practically) The keeper of the compost heap, my lord?  
  
Andraman: (Quickly) Er-yeah! (Yelling from the balcony) You! Watch where you put that pitchfork, stupid Orc! And-quit breathing so loudly! In fact, stop breathing right now! (Watches the area for a while, then his eyes go rather wide, and he speaks to Nrima Wormfeces from the side of his mouth) Er-go call the Orc's Medical Center, Wormfeces-he really did stop breathing and now he's not moving.  
  
(Now we go back to the Fangorn forest, where Big Nuts approaches Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took. The grim look upon the Ent's face tells the hobbits that Big Nuts has finally arrived at a decision)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a serious tone to the hobbits) The Ents cannot hold back this kind of evil on their own! It is too big for all of us to handle. Therefore, we have decided not to become part of it.  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck's jaw drops in shock, and Rippin Took merely shrugs)  
  
Rippin Took: (Brightly) Well, in that case, Jessie and I will take our leave now! Thanks for tolerating us, and we'll be on our way!  
  
(Rippin Took turns to leave, but Jessie Brandybuck grasps the other by the arm before she can even move two feet)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Sternly to Rippin Took) Hold on a second, Rippin! We're not done here! (Looks back at Big Nuts angrily) How can that be your decision?  
  
Big Nuts: (Logically) Well, you see, I presented the idea to the Ents, and we had a brief opinion tossing of it. Then, we began to list the pros and cons of the situation-mind you, there were a lot of cons in this-then we had a brief lunch, and then we took a vote. At first, it wasn't unanimous, so we had to do it again and-!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) I don't mean literally, you ninny! I mean, figuratively! How can you decide not to go to war?  
  
Big Nuts: (In a very stern voice, not liking being contradicted) The Ents would choose it best to stay out of this situation. We are not a part of this!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily shouting) BUT YOU'RE PART OF THIS WORLD!  
  
Rippin Took: (After jumping at the volume of her friend's voice) Gees, Jessie! You think you could yell a little louder? I don't think everyone in Gondor heard you!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Speaking to the Ents angrily) Aren't you? I mean- unless a huge meteorite dropped down from space, crashed in the Fangorn Forest, and all this crazy crap flew out, allowing it to spawn and make trees that walk and talk, I don't understand how you could just sit by and act like this doesn't affect you! Don't you understand! You have to fight! It's the only way that we can stop this!  
  
(Rippin Took looks at Jessie Brandybuck with surprise-she obviously did not expect her friend's argument to be so truthful. Jessie Brandybuck is breathing in and out with anger, obviously wanting the Ents to change their mind)  
  
Big Nuts: (Sternly) We appreciate your bravery, Miss Brandybuck, but your part in this tale is over! Go home-go home and leave me alone!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck stares at the other with a forlorn expression. Big Nuts turns to join the Entmoot, and Jessie Brandybuck is left to stand in utmost shock. Jessie Brandybuck walks over to her coat, picks it up, but doesn't put it back on. Rippin Took comes to join her friend and offer some encouragement)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a small voice) Maybe Big Nuts is right, Jessie. (When her friend doesn't answer, she speaks a bit sterner) Jessie, what more can we do? This is way too big for us, anyways! And you said yourself that we didn't belong in this!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Still clutching her coat and speaking distantly) Yeah.I did.  
  
Rippin Took: (Desperately trying to cheer up her friend) Oh, come on, Jessie! (With a great smile on her face) We've got the Shire! That's way better than all the other stuff that's been going on! (Rubbing her hands together in anticipation) I don't know about you, but I've really been craving a taco! (When Jessie Brandybuck doesn't say anything, she furrows her brows slightly) Jessie?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Ominously) The forest of Buckland and Brandywine will burn, and all that is good and plentiful will be gone. (With a grim smile at Rippin Took) If all of this is allowed to go on, Rippin, there won't be a Shire to go home to.  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking very upset at the moment) Jessie, you're scaring the crap out of me!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Irritably) Well, it's the truth! (Puts her coat on as she speaks) There'll be no taverns, no trees, no brooks, no hobbit holes- (Emphasizing the next point very clearly) no tacos!  
  
(Rippin Took lets out a great gasp of horror, but Jessie Brandybuck keeps talking)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a very harsh tone) I don't know about you, Rippin, but that's one place I don't want to call home.  
  
(And with that, Jessie Brandybuck shuffles off, leaving Rippin Took to stare off into space, comprehending the horrors ahead)  
  
Rippin Took: (Very sadly) So-no taco stands? 


	26. Scene Twenty Six: DRAW YOUR SWORDS!

Scene Twenty-Six  
  
(We go back to the fight at Helm's Deep, which is still intensified. We see the Orcs at the gate door with the battering ram, trying viciously to gain access into the keep. Then, we see the battles outside of the outer wall, which is bloody and resulting in staggering losses for the defenders. Finally, King Kevoden pulls Commander Kilmage towards him angrily)  
  
King Kevoden: (Quite angrily) Order them to pull back!  
  
(Commander Kilmage just stares at the king in amazement-he obviously did not expect the other to simply give up)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) Pull them back, you fool!  
  
(With a bit of a disappointed glance at the king, Commander Kilmage begins to comply)  
  
Commander Kilmage: (Shouting for every force to hear) FALL BACK! FALL BACK!  
  
(Jimagorn hears the message and looks up in disbelief-the battle cannot be over yet! Megolas looks just as upset. Then, there is great CRACK and CRASH as the gate to the inner wall is breeched. Awaiting Urak-hai Members make their way inside)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting towards the king) THEY'VE BREECHED THE OUTER GATE!  
  
(King Kevoden looks down and sees that it is true)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) Oh, crap!  
  
Commander Kilmage: (Questioning) My lord, what do we do now?  
  
King Kevoden: (In a triumphant voice) What do you think we do, you ninny? (Shouting for every soldier to hear) Everyone draw your swords!  
  
(At this, almost every soldier pulls out a sketchpad and a pencil and begins to "draw" their swords. King Kevoden looks quite angry with this)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily at Commander Kilmage) What're you doing?  
  
Commander Kilmage: (Who is drawing a sword, shrugs) You said to draw our swords, and we're drawing our swords! Like it? (Shows King Kevoden a sketch of a sword that looks like Sting, but has a purple glow around it) It's like Sting, but with a purple blade instead of blue.  
  
King Kevoden: (Knocks the other's sketchpad to the ground angrily) No, you pansy! Draw (Pulls out his sword) your swords! Commander Kilmage: (Pulls out his sword and nods in understanding) So those are what they're for!  
  
King Kevoden: (Shouting to the soldiers) Okay, everybody dra-I mean- (Hesitates as he fights to paraphrase his sentence) pull your swords from their sheaths and make ready to defend the keep!  
  
(There is a triumphant cheer for the king, and many of the soldiers draw their swords. Jimagorn & Megolas rush to help defend the keep, knowing that the battle for the outer wall is simply useless now. Brimli rushes to join the other two)  
  
Brimli: (Snickering in spite of herself) Can you believe that scene back there? "Draw your swords"! I haven't had such a good laugh since Moria!  
  
Jimagorn: (Looking shifty eyed) Yeah-who does that, anyways? (Hastily puts a folded piece of drawing paper and a pencil within his pocket)  
  
(We now go to the inside of the inner wall, where many soldiers are trying to defend the keep. They are on the inside of the gate, trying to hold it still with many strong boards or steel poles. But the Orcs are able to smash a spear through, and one man goes down as he is hit. Finally, we see King Kevoden join the fray, along with Commander Kilmage, Megolas, Jimagorn, & Brimli. King Kevoden makes his way to the front, not fearing the ominous booms and thuds of the battering ram, ready to defend the keep so long as it remains stable. Megolas remains in the back, shooting her arrows through the gaps in the door to bring down the Urak-hai Members waiting to get in)  
  
Voice of Urak-hai Member#205: (Angrily) We don't need this! We're on the waiting list!  
  
Megolas: (As she shoots an arrow) Well, you've just been bumped off!  
  
(The men continue to try and support the gate, even though the battering ram is very heavy and causes many Men to go flying as it hits the gate. Then, a huge spear crashes through the wood and slashes King Kevoden's shoulder. King Kevoden winces at the pain and bends away. Commander Kilmage rushes to help the king)  
  
Commander Kilmage: (Supporting the king away from the group) Make way for the king!  
  
Soldier of Edoras#67: (Angrily to a nearby soldier) Please! If you're stupid enough to get yourself hurt in a battle, you deserve to die!  
  
(Commander Kilmage is able to get the king away from the fray, and King Kevoden leans heavily upon a wall nearby. Jimagorn runs to join the group, looking back at the king, knowing that he cannot fall)  
  
Jimagorn: (Shouting at King Kevoden over the noise) How long do you need?  
  
King Kevoden: (Already taking some bandage from his pocket) As long as you can give me! (After thinking about it for a while) Eh-about ten minutes.  
  
(Jimagorn gives an impatient groan-there has been another humongous crack in the wood. If the battering ram continues, then it will only be a matter of minutes before the Urak-hai forces can breech the wall. They do not have enough time! Sensing his trouble, Brimli rushes up to Jimagorn)  
  
Brimli: (An idea brewing in her eyes) Jimagorn!  
  
(We then go to the outside of the inner wall, where countless Urak-hai Members are maliciously beating at the inner wall, trying desperately to gain access to the inside. Then, we see way off to the side of the mountainside-nearby the gate-open softly and quietly. Then, we see Brimli step out from the door, followed shortly by Jimagorn, who looks rather bemused)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a bemused tone) Hey! There's no bag full of money out here!  
  
Brimli: (Drawing her axe and speaking blankly) Of course there isn't.it was the only way I could get you to help attack the Urak-hai forces without squealing like a girl.  
  
(Jimagorn gives a small whimper, but draws his sword anyways. Then, we see the two slowly edge along the small path towards the ramp leading to where the Urak-hai Members bang at the door with the battering ram. Jimagorn is able to take the lead, his face etched in concentration as he surveys the force at the gate. Then, Brimli quickly speaks to Jimagorn)  
  
Brimli: (In an excited whisper) We can take them! Come on!  
  
Jimagorn: (Very quietly to the Dwarf) It's a long way.  
  
(Brimli surveys the distance between them and the ramp; it is too long for her to make in one leap. Brimli bites her lip as she ponders at what to do)  
  
Brimli: (In a very low tone to Jimagorn) Toss me.  
  
Jimagorn: (Raising his eyebrows at Brimli) Uh-okay, Brimli, I like you as a friend! It wouldn't work out between us-the height difference is really noticeable!  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) No! I mean, pick me up and throw me to the other side!  
  
Jimagorn: (Surprised) What?  
  
Brimli: (Frustrated) I cannot make it all the way across by myself! You'll have to throw me!  
  
(After looking at Brimli for a very long time, Jimagorn smiles and makes to pick up the Dwarf. But before he can get his hands around her, Brimli holds out a hand to stop Jimagorn)  
  
Brimli: (Quickly) Oh, but uh-!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a smile developing upon his face) Don't tell the Elf? I've got that covered!  
  
Brimli: (Furrowing her brow) No! (In a very low, growling type of a voice) Don't take this sexually!  
  
Jimagorn: (Frowning) Uh-okay.  
  
(Rolling his eyes, Jimagorn picks up Brimli and throws her towards the Urak- hai Members-letting out a satisfying sigh as he does so. Brimli scolds him, but shouts out as she lands right in front of the Urak-hai Members, swinging her axe before they even realize what has happened. Brimli is joined a few seconds later by Jimagorn, who shouts out as he leaps)  
  
Jimagorn: (Valiantly) I am Jimagorn, son of Jimathorn! All fear my wrath!  
  
(Jimagorn lands just short of the edge, and he fights to remain balanced. Jimagorn gives a great shout as he feels himself going backwards, but Brimli rolls her eyes and pulls the other upon the ramp with one hand. Then, the two begin to fight furiously, killing Orc after Orc with their sword or axe. Jimagorn fights with much speed, killing one Orc and turning about almost immediately to meet the other one coming behind him. Brimli stands in one spot, swinging her axe about with much shouts of triumph. The Orcs go flying from the ramp or fall down dead. Then, we see Megolas look down from the inner wall with a smile of shock upon her face-a good half of Urak-hai Members are either dead or retreating from the dangerous fighters. Jimagorn looks at Brimli as many Urak-hai Members make to rush at the two)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a frightened voice) No! This cannot happen to me! I'm too pretty to die! They're the ugly ones! They're supposed to die!  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Will you quiet down, you ninny! If you act any more like a girl, I'm gonna buy you a bra!  
  
Jimagorn: (With dignity) Too late! I'm already wearing one!  
  
(Brimli shivers in disgust as she thinks about it, and suddenly a rope cascades in between Jimagorn & Brimli. They look up and see Megolas; along with a big line of Woodelven soldiers ready to pull the two brave fighters up into the keep)  
  
Jimagorn: (Casually as he grasps the rope) See, Brimli! What'd I tell you! You've got nothing to worry about!  
  
Brimli: (Growling) Oh-just grab the rope you goon!  
  
(Jimagorn quickly grasps the rope, grabbing Brimli about the waist and hanging on. Then, Megolas shouts to the troops behind her in Elvish to pull, which they do in a great tug. Jimagorn & Brimli quickly begin to ascend towards the keep, Urak-hai Members trying desperately to get at the two dangling fighters)  
  
Jimagorn: (With a breath of relief) Whew! That was close!  
  
Brimli: (Nodding) I'll say. (With a small laugh at the other) Er-Jimagorn, I've got a good grip on the rope, you don't need to hold onto me.  
  
Jimagorn: (Quickly) Oh, I know.I'm just-(Looking shifty eyed as he fights to find an excuse) taking an extra precaution! (After a while of silence) Er-is this one of the situations where I'm not supposed to take this sexually?  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Uh-yeah!  
  
Jimagorn: (Agitated) Oh, drat! You're no fun!  
  
(We pan out and see the two fighters being pulled up by the friends, and we are left to wonder if the battle for Helm's Deep will be so successful after all) 


	27. Scene Twenty Seven: The Ents Go To War

Scene Twenty-Seven  
  
(We now go to the Fangorn Forest, where Big Nuts is taking Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took towards the western borders of the forest, so they can travel home. Both of the hobbits are clad in cloaks and ready for travel)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a friendly tone) I will take you to the western borders of the forest, and there you can make your way back home.(Angrily) and as far away from me as you can possibly get! Gees! Carrying you around all the time is really wearing down on my bark!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck simply nods, so distant at the moment that she doesn't care what really happens. She's so stone faced, apparently unhappy that the fight is really over. Rippin Took sits in apprehension, wondering if there is anything she can do. Then, it comes to her-an idea! It is very risky, but it's worth a shot)  
  
Rippin Took: (To Big Nuts) Big Nuts, stop! (When the Ent doesn't stop immediately) Stop! (When the Ent still continues his pace) STOP!  
  
(But Big Nuts appears to not have heard. Frustrated, Rippin Took climbs towards Big Nuts' head, plucks off a huge acorn, and plops it on the Ent's noggin. At that, Big Nuts stops dead, causing Jessie Brandybuck to shout out as she almost falls backwards, able to save herself by grasping upon some branches. Her glasses askew, Jessie Brandybuck looks at Big Nuts in shock. Rippin Took takes the opportunity to climb back down to her original perch)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a very shaky voice) I can understand if you must call my name, or voice an obscenity, or even result in violence and kick my bark, (Very angrily) but when you fondle with my nuts to get my attention, I get rather agitated!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Laughing at this, and straightening her glasses) Hey, Rippin, you're right! That is kinda funny!  
  
Rippin Took: (Seriously to the Ent) Sorry, Big Nuts, but.(Her idea coming back to her and speaking rapidly) turn around! Take us south!  
  
(Big Nuts gasps in horror at the idea, and even Jessie Brandybuck looks at Rippin Took in sudden curiosity)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a frightened tone) But-that would lead you to Isengard!  
  
Rippin Took: (With a sly smile) Exactly!  
  
Big Nuts: (In an offhand type of a voice) Er-you do know that Andraman, the very evil little booger, lives there, right?  
  
Rippin Took: (Explaining logically) Yes, but if we go south, Andraman won't be expecting that! We'll slip right under his Orcs' noses and go unnoticed! For you see, the closer we are to danger, the further we are from harm. (In a quiet, contradicting tone) Or is it the other way around.?  
  
Big Nuts: (After thinking about it for a while) That makes no sense to me.but, you are small.  
  
Rippin Took: (In a rather awkward tone) So, if we were really tall and bearing the same information, you wouldn't listen to us?  
  
Big Nuts: (Defensively) Damn straight! Why do you think I don't listen to my mother! Stupid, tall oak broad; can't tell me what to do! (Resuming his friendly tone) But if you wish to go south, then south it is!  
  
(And with that, Big Nuts turns around abruptly, causing both of the hobbits to squeak in shock as they almost fall off, and begins to advance towards the south)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a reminiscing type of voice) I always liked going south-it always feels like I'm going down hill.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looking horrified at Rippin Took) Are you stupid or something?  
  
Rippin Took: (Rolling her eyes at Jessie Brandybuck) If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times! Yes, I am stupid!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Rolling her eyes) Okay, allow me to rephrase that! (In the same horrified tone) Are you mad? We'll be caught!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a sly, mischievous tone) No! Not this time!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Unconvinced at this) What makes you think that?  
  
Rippin Took: (Quite sure of herself) I've thought of a plan!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Shocked) You-think? (Putting a hand to her forehead in agitation) We're all screwed!  
  
(We now experience a great change in scene, as we see Maramir and his army heading towards Osgiliath; within the group, we see three familiar faces: Lizzo Baggins, Kram Gamgee, & Jenolum. All three look horribly frazzled, especially Lizzo Baggins, who almost looks dead on her feet. Jenolum has a rope around her neck and her hands are bound; she whimpers like some forlorn animal. Then, Nicola, who is up front with Maramir, looks towards the distance and sees something that makes her face go dreadfully pale)  
  
Nicola: (In a horrified voice to Maramir) Maramir! Osgiliath burns!  
  
(Maramir looks towards the distance, and we see the small city of Osgiliath issuing a big cloud of smoke from within it. We hear the army gasp in shock as the realize what is happening. Maramir looks at Nicola irritably)  
  
Maramir: (In a flat voice) Don't you ever get tired of stating the obvious?  
  
Nicola: (Defensively) Sometimes.  
  
Maramir: (Proudly, puffing out his chest) No matter! We have the strength to save the city!  
  
(Maramir casts a greedy smile over at Lizzo Baggins, who is walking distantly towards the city, Kram Gamgee a few steps behind her. Lizzo Baggins looks up at the burning city in the distance and her eyes lighten with fear and sadness-she understands what Maramir plans to do)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a distant voice as she stares at Osgiliath) The Movie will not save Gondor! (She looks at Maramir desperately) It is only meant to destroy! Why do you think they call it a Movie of Power, you ninny- because it causes little daisies to pop out of the earth and dance in the sun, or something?  
  
Maramir: (In a defensive tone) And if I was-?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Desperately) Let me go! If you truly value the lives of everybody in Gondor-the lives of everybody in Middle-Earth, for that matter- you will let me go!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins looks so desperately at Maramir, that for one moment, everybody in the army begins to feel a bit of sympathy towards the hobbit- even Maramir. But he shakes away his empathy and speaks to Ristor, who is slightly behind him)  
  
Maramir: (Sternly to Ristor) Take them down to the city-we need to make great haste.  
  
(Ristor complies with no emotion upon his face, and Lizzo Baggins' eyes fill with tears of anguish at the situation. Finnegan bumps into a staring Kram Gamgee)  
  
Finnegan: (In a stern voice to the hobbit) Get moving!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Coolly to Finnegan) Oh, calm down, you old fogy! Be nice to me or I'll tell Maramir about that little map I saw in your back pocket!  
  
(We hear Lizzo Baggins hysterically shout at Maramir, and Kram Gamgee casts a worried glance at her friend)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Hysterically, trying to break away from Ristor's grasp) MARAMIR! You must let me go!  
  
(We go back to the Fangorn Forest, where Big Nuts is walking through the forest, with Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took still sitting upon his limbs)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a giggly type of a voice) And those little squirrel would run all over me, tickling me all over, and then I-!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Whispering to Rippin Took irritably) He's been telling this story for five hours! I think I'm going crazy!  
  
Rippin Took: (Whispering patiently to Jessie Brandybuck) Just wait for it.  
  
Big Nuts: (Still talking in his giggling voice) They would always start running up and down my branches, their little paws pittering and pattering upon my bark, and I would want to.  
  
(Big Nuts steps into a clearing, but lets out a horrified gasp and stops dead. The clearing he stepped in is not a clearing at all-but a place where many of the trees have been cut down or burnt to the ground. As the camera gets a good wave of the area, we see the Native American Ent standing there, overlooking the sad area. Then, the camera closes in on the Native American Ent's face as a single tear streams down his face. Then, we go back to Big Nuts, who is horribly stunned by this scene)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a forlorn, sad tone) These were friends whom I had known throughout my entire life; through nut and acorn!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Giggling again) Is it me, or does this seem much funnier now?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a small shrug and sympathetic tone) I'm sorry  
  
(Big Nuts looks into the distance, and Rippin Took winks heartily at Jessie Brandybuck. In the distance, we see the forbidding tower at Isengard. Big Nuts is enraged)  
  
Big Nuts: (His voice shaking with anger) Andraman! A wizard should know better!  
  
Rippin Took: (With a small shrug) He should-but you said that you guys weren't going to fight, so.  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) Well-if Andraman thinks like that, he does not know Big Nuts!  
  
(With that, Big Nuts lets out a horrible, grinding roar that echoes throughout the land. Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck look at one another in curiosity and mild fear)  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) It is time that somebody stand up to that no good, good- looking fool of a wizard! I'm going to kick his butt so badly; he's going to wish he were one of these dead trees!  
  
(Suddenly, we see and hear the approach of many Ents from the forest. They emerge besides Big Nuts, take a look around, mumble darkly to one another, and make ready to follow Big Nuts. Jessie Brandybuck realizes what's happening, and allows her face to split into a great smile)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Maliciously) Yes!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a nervous tone to her friend) Gees, Jessie! If I knew you were going to get this violent, I wouldn't hang around you so much!  
  
Big Nuts: (Seriously) Now it is time that the Ents begin their last march! There is a good chance that we may all die-I mean, it isn't really that hard to kill us-but for the good of all things left in this world, it is essential that the Ents go to war! (Puts a finger in the air triumphantly) WE WILL DESTROY ISENGARD!  
  
(All of the Ents cheer at this, and we suddenly see Big Nuts-his finger still in the air-turn around and head back towards the forest)  
  
Big Nuts: (Shouting as an afterthought to the Ents) RIGHT AFTER LUNCH!  
  
All of the Ents: (Shouting in unison) RIGHT AFTER LUNCH!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a booming voice) And what shall we have for lunch?  
  
Big Willy: Pizza!  
  
Blonde Ent: Chinese!  
  
Native American Ent: Tacos!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a jovial tone) I've got an idea! Let's have an Entmoot about it!  
  
All of the Ents: (Sounding enthused at the suggestion) YEAH! ANOTHER ENTMOOT!  
  
(We hear Jessie Brandybuck give a sigh of frustration as the Ents make their way back into the Fangorn Forest) 


	28. Scene Twenty Eight: The Battle At Osgili...

Scene Twenty-Eight  
  
(We go back to Osgiliath, where the battle is even worse than that of Helm's Deep. Many of the houses are destroyed, and there is smoke seeping from almost everything. Then, we see many soldiers gathered behind the huge remaining wall of some complex, trying to use it as a barricade as they make their defenses. Then, we see Maramir, his army, Lizzo Baggins, Kram Gamgee, & Jenolum cut their way in front of the defenders)  
  
Maramir: (Quickly as he dashes along) Excuse me.pardon me.my bad.nice shirt! Doin' a great job, by the way!  
  
(We see Maramir, flanked by Nicola, Ristor, & Finnegan approach a haggard looking figure-Commander Kolas)  
  
Maramir: (Seriously) Commander Kolas! What's the status?  
  
Commander Kolas: (Angrily gesturing about the area) Isn't it obvious? (When Maramir doesn't answer, he continues to speak grimly) The entire city has been breeched on all sides! We cannot do anything but try and stop them from the inside! My defenses are down to maybe a good thousand!  
  
(There is a great BOOM! followed by a pain-stricken scream from a soldier)  
  
Commander Kolas: (Practically) Er-make that a good nine hundred and ninety- nine.  
  
(Maramir & Commander Kolas continue to talk about battle plans, and Kram Gamgee averts her attention to Lizzo Baggins, whose eyes are wide in horror, and clutching her chest in fright)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Nervously to Lizzo Baggins) Lizzo.?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a very horrified tone to Kram Gamgee, speaking very low) I can feel his Eye upon me, Kram! He knows the Movie is close!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Trying to reassure her friend) Don't worry, Miss Lizzo, I'm here for.  
  
(Kram Gamgee's voice just trails off until it simply looks as though she is mouthing the words, and Lizzo Baggins is staring at Kram Gamgee in a petrified gaze)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (To herself) I think I've gone deaf.  
  
(Obviously worried, Kram Gamgee leans near Lizzo Baggins' ear)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shouting in her friend's ear) LIZZO!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Jumping at the sound of the other's voice) Dear Lord, Kram! Don't shout at me like that!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Shrugging) I was just checking!  
  
(We go back to Maramir & Commander Kolas, who have finished talking. Then, Maramir snaps his fingers behind him, and Ristor & Finnegan grasp the hobbits and bring them forward)  
  
Commander Kolas: (Furrowing his brow) What's this?  
  
Maramir: (With a small smile) Gifts to my father.  
  
Commander Kolas: (In a low tone) Er-I don't know what that army of yours has been telling you, Maramir, but your father isn't that kind of a person! Bigamy is so Second Age!  
  
Maramir: (Furrowing his brow) NO! (Indicating Lizzo Baggins) That one bears a weapon that will save Osgiliath and all of Gondor! (Whispering in a low, mischievous tone to Commander Kolas) It is the Movie of Power! (Waving at Kram Gamgee in a careless fashion) The other one can be used to clean out the stables or something.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily, struggling to get free) Ooh! I'll clean your stables, all right! And the next time I get a water pitcher, I'll pee in it and see how you like the taste of urine!  
  
Nicola: (Furrowing her brow at the hobbit) What're you talking about?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Don't pretend like you don't know! And I'll bet it was you that did it!  
  
Commander Kolas: (In a shocked, very stunned tone) The Movie of Power! That will aid our county most beautifully! (To Ristor & Finnegan) Just take them to the Steward of Gondor, (Smiling at Maramir) from his beloved son.  
  
Maramir: (Quickly) With love!  
  
Commander Kolas: (Rolling his eyes) With love!  
  
(Finnegan & Ristor make to go, but Lizzo Baggins begins to struggle violently, knowing that this cannot happen. Kram Gamgee struggles as well, but she is glaring right at Maramir with such an icy look, it can drive a small twinge of fear into anybody. Maramir looks at the hobbit with mild surprise)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) You think you're so big, don't you? "Ooh! Look at me! I'm Maramir! I've got a bunch of Men, prancing about my fortress serving me as my army! My daddy's the steward of Gondor and my brother is the heroic battle hero who died valiantly!" And lots of other freakin' stuff I don't want to get into right now, because I don't know you that well! You think your brother was so grand, Maramir? You think he's so perfect?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a nervous tone) No, Kram! Don't!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Ignoring the other and speaking angrily at Maramir) You want to know why your brother died? Do you? He tried to take the Movie from Lizzo! He tried to kill her-after swearing an oath to protect her! (Spitting the next sentence out as if it were venom) The Movie drove your brother mad!  
  
(Everybody looks at Maramir, who looks as though he has been shot right in the stomach-he is so shocked at this new development that he cannot speak- he merely stands there, staring at a livid Kram Gamgee and a frantic Lizzo Baggins)  
  
Maramir: (Finally speaking after a long moment of silence) Well-I feel like a dumb ass.  
  
(Suddenly, there is a great whoosh over the land, and everything seems to go deadly quiet. Lizzo Baggins' head suddenly goes limp, and she looks as though she is going to faint. Kram Gamgee looks back at her friend nervously)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Very concerned) Lizzo?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins lifts her head up, but her face is pulled into a horrifying look of such malice it even makes Jenolum cringe)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a low, hissing type of voice) They're here! They've come!  
  
Ristor: (Angrily) Dang it! I thought I told those meat sales men to buzz off!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With an evil laugh) Oh-it's no meat sales man! It's the most horrible thing next to a meat sales man!  
  
(There is a great hiss heard from above, and Maramir looks up in fright)  
  
Maramir: (Shouting for everyone to hear) PHONE SOLICITORS!  
  
(We take our view to the skies, where four Phone Solicitors are flying towards the city of Osgiliath, hissing and making their attacks on the air- knowing that the Movie is dreadfully close: Adelphia, Verizon, Cingulair, & AT&T. Maramir looks at Ristor & Finnegan)  
  
Maramir: (Sternly, drawing his sword) Get the hobbits out of here! (Pointing at Jenolum) Take her too.  
  
Jenolum: (As she is pulled by Finnegan) Why are we not as loved as some people?  
  
(Finnegan & Ristor make their way through the ruined city quickly, trying to find a good place to hide their prisoners. Jenolum occasionally looks up in the air and gives a great hiss of fear-horrible flashbacks of when she was in Mordor are no doubt crossing through her mind. Kram Gamgee is looking about in horrible fear-everything is so disproportioned from what she hoped it would be, it's frightening. Lizzo Baggins occasionally giggles out loud, too far gone by the Movie's power that she cannot fully comprehend the situation. Finally, Ristor & Finnegan move the prisoners into an abandoned building, with only three walls, but sturdy nonetheless. Then, Ristor & Finnegan draw their swords and make to join the battle outside)  
  
Ristor: (To Lizzo Baggins) Now, don't you move away, now!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a crazy, laughing manner) How can I move away when my legs have turned into flowers and are sinking into the ground?  
  
Ristor: (To Kram Gamgee) Er-on second thought, you keep watch of her!  
  
(There is a great BOOM heard from outside, and Ristor & Finnegan rush away to join the battle, leaving the three alone for the first time in days. Lizzo Baggins looks quite mad, leaning against the wall and laughing to herself occasionally. Kram Gamgee watches her with concern)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a horrified tone) What is happening to her?  
  
Jenolum: (In a small voice) He is calling the precious! He is calling to it!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (To Lizzo Baggins timidly) Hang on, Miss Lizzo! Everything's going to be all right!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a very crazy tone) You know what would be nice? If everybody took up the recreational sport of volleyball!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a horrified tone) Now you're just talking crazy! 


	29. Scene Twenty Nine: Forth Eorlingas

Scene Twenty-Nine  
  
(We now go back to Helm's Deep, where the outer and inner walls have been totally breeched and many Urak-hai Members are brandishing flags of the White Hand of Andraman from the fortress. Then, we go to the inside of the fortress, where man Urak-hai Members are banging a huge battering ram at the main compartment, trying to get in and kill those that remain defending the fortress. We go inside and see many soldiers placing steel poles and wooden boards against the door, to desperately try and keep the Orcs out. Jimagorn, Megolas, Brimli, & Commander Kilmage are among those who are helping the soldiers. But King Kevoden is way away from the group, looking lost and forlorn-only so many of his men have survived, and almost all of the Woodelves are gone. The king has lost his commander, his lieutenant, and his hope for victory)  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily shouting at Jimagorn) Stop barring the gate, already! The fight is over! Helm's Deep has fallen!  
  
Jimagorn: (Stubbornly, as he grabs a board) You said that the keep would not fall unless there were men still defending it!  
  
King Kevoden: (Angrily) Well-stop defending it!  
  
(Jimagorn doesn't reply, and there is a great shout as the battering ram hits the gate again, and a huge CRACK is heard throughout the room. Then, we go down into the Glittering Caves, where many of the women and children are screaming in fright at the sounds of the battle drawing dreadfully close)  
  
Edoras Woman#15: (Hysterically shouting) They're breaking in!  
  
Edoras Woman#17: (Frightened beyond her wildest dreams) We're all going to die!  
  
Edoras Woman#19: (Running up to Erynwyn and embracing her in fright) We're going to die!  
  
Erynwyn: (Looking very uncomfortable at this) Er-miss, could you possibly step away from me? You smell really bad! (Gags at the thought of it)  
  
(We go back to the main compartment, where the battering ram still bangs upon the door, and the soldiers still fight to defend what is left of the keep. King Kevoden is off to the side, along with Commander Kilmage. Jimagorn is not so quick to lose hope, though)  
  
Jimagorn: (Quickly to the king and the commander) Is there no other way to get the women and children out of the caves?  
  
(Commander Kilmage & King Kevoden look at one another in utmost dismay. Jimagorn looks very nervous and agitated)  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Hello, I asked a question! Now's not the time to stand there, looking dramatic! Now, when I have to say that, you know I'm serious! (Repeating the question with much urgency) Is there no other way?  
  
Commander Kilmage: (After looking at the king once before replying) There is one other way-it leads into the mountains.(Looking at Jimagorn with dismay) but it will be too late for them; the Urak-hai would have already caught up with them!  
  
(There is another great BOOM as the battering ram makes another assault upon the gate, causing the soldiers to push their weight against the gate to keep it from totally toppling over from the next assault. Jimagorn is doing some quick thinking-obviously, considering he is stroking his chest rapidly)  
  
Jimagorn: (To Commander Kilmage) Get as many of your troops down into the caves and lead the women and children to safety-we'll try and hold off the Urak-hai.  
  
King Kevoden: (Distantly) So much death.  
  
Jimagorn: (Irritably to King Kevoden) Will you stop saying that, already?  
  
King Kevoden: (Looking to the sky sadly) So many have had to die just to defend a single keep. At least I shall live long enough to see the sun rise over the mountains one last time.  
  
Jimagorn: (His eyes brightening with recognition) Sunrise?  
  
(Megolas & Brimli join Jimagorn, who is looking towards a window nearby)  
  
Megolas: (Angrily) Oh crap! Did you forget your lines again?  
  
(Jimagorn puts up a hand to shush the Elf as he looks towards the window brightening as the sun rises slowly. Then, he remembers something and we hear the Voice of Kendalf ring through Jimagorn's thoughts)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (With urgency) Look for my coming, at dawn of the second day; at first light, look to the east.  
  
(There is a great BOOM and CRACK as the gate almost busts in half from the assault of the battering ram)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#73: (Irritably to the five standing away from the battle) Uh-could you just reach a decision now, please? I think I may have thrown out my shoulder! (Rolls his shoulder delicately) Ouch! That smarts!  
  
Jimagorn: (Distantly to King Kevoden) Ride out with me.  
  
(King Kevoden stares at Jimagorn with a shocked expression, but Jimagorn is dead serious about this)  
  
Jimagorn: (Repeating the suggestion to King Kevoden) Ride out with me, King of Edoras.  
  
King Kevoden: (With a small smile) Of course! (Coming close and speaking quietly to Jimagorn) Ride away from this place and lie low for a while till things die down! Of course! That's ingenious!  
  
Jimagorn: (Angrily) No, you fool! I mean-(More dramatically) ride out with me and meet them!  
  
King Kevoden: (A smile of honor crossing his face) So that the two Men of Honor can ride out and fight one last time! May they live to tell the tale- (Placing a hand upon the other's shoulder) or may they die with honor!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small smile upon his face) A bit more poetic than I intended it to be, but okay! May the best Man fight till the death! (In an offhand type of way) You can come too, Megolas.  
  
Megolas: (In a small, sarcastic tone) Yay.  
  
Brimli: (Brandishing her axe excitedly) Yeah! Let's do this thing!  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small laugh) No, Brimli! You have to go blow on the horn of the keep!  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) What?  
  
Jimagorn: (Nodding in importance) Yes! The horn must be heard throughout the land, so that the opposing force may cringe with fear at our coming! (In an offhand type of voice) Besides, those stubby legs of yours don't get tired as easily as most people's. (Slaps Brimli's legs with the flat end of his sword)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Will you cut that out?  
  
Megolas: (Irritably) Can we just get this over with, already? I'm sick of just sitting here and waiting while the Orcs plow their way towards the door!  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Fine! Fine! Fine! I'm going!  
  
(Mumbling darkly, Brimli makes her exit from the main compartment through a side door, leading to the stairs that ascend towards the horn of Helm's Deep. Brimli looks up the stairs-many hundreds of stairs that spiral upward-and groans)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Stubby legs, indeed!  
  
(Brimli begins her rapid climb up the stairs, and we go back to the main compartment, where Commander Kilmage, Megolas, Jimagorn, & King Kevoden are mounted upon horses-that didn't happen to be there in the previous scene)  
  
Jimagorn: (Curiously) Er-does anybody know where these horses came from?  
  
(They all look at the remaining soldiers, who merely shrug and back away from the gate on Commander Kilmage's signal. The gate is left alone, and the battering ram bangs against it a few times, and it cracks and breaks effortlessly. We see the face of King Kevoden curl into a broad smile)  
  
King Kevoden: (Maliciously) If they think they're taking my keep so effortlessly, they're dreadfully mistaken!  
  
Jimagorn: (Dramatically) And if they think they're taking my hair gel away from me, then they're also dreadfully mistaken!  
  
Megolas: (Raising an eyebrow at Jimagorn) Jimagorn, you've got a huge bottle of hair gel in your front pocket!  
  
Jimagorn: (Curiously) I do? (Puts a hand down his front pocket and pulls out a big bottle of hair gel) Oh! So I do! (Puts the bottle back in the pocket and speaks offhandedly) Then, in that case, go with what King Kevoden said about the keep.  
  
(And with that, the doors to the main compartment burst open and tons of Urak-hai Members rush inside the compartment, roaring and hissing as they go. But the four people on horseback are ready to defend this area by any means possible. Megolas shoots arrow after arrow at the Orcs, getting the advantage of being on a horse. Jimagorn & King Kevoden slash at the Orcs that come close enough, and Commander Kilmage throws different knives at Orcs within sight. Pretty soon, the Urak-hai Members are either killed or wounded upon the ground, and the four ride out of the main compartment. Then, we see Brimli, running up the stairs towards the horn. Then, she stops, takes a breather for about five seconds, then runs up the stairs once more. We go back to Megolas, Jimagorn, King Kevoden, & Commander Kilmage riding out of the inner wall, surprising many Orcs standing there. With a shout of triumph, Jimagorn slashes and kills Urak-hai Member#207, who is standing guard with Urak-hai Member#127)  
  
Urak-hai Member#127: (In a shocked, small tone after Jimagorn) Hey!  
  
(We go back to Brimli, who finally reaches the horn. After taking a huge breath, the Dwarf blows upon the horn-but it doesn't make any noise. Brimli, puzzled at this point, licks her lips a few times before trying again-but nothing happens. Finally, giving a great sigh of frustration, Brimli pulls out a stick of Chapstick from her pocket and put it on)  
  
Brimli: (Angrily) Damn my family's horrible chapped lip problem!  
  
(After rubbing her lips together to spread the Chapstick, Brimli takes a huge breath and tries again-this time, there is the great sound of the horn of Helm's Deep billowing out throughout the land. We go outside, where the Urak-hai Members look at the keep in curiosity, but let out shouts of surprise as they see four people on horseback making their way towards the Urak-hai Members, coming down the ramp of the outer wall's gate; Jimagorn, Megolas, Commander Kilmage, & King Kevoden fight with a ferocity that seems unimaginable. The Urak-hai Members try to come at them, but the defenders are easy to dispatch them. Then, there is the sound of a horse in the distance, and Jimagorn averts his attention to the east-after a while, everybody else looks as well. In the east-standing upon a rise in the earth-is Kendalf upon his mount of Shadowfax. Jimagorn smiles in relief)  
  
Jimagorn: (In a very relieved tone) Kendalf!  
  
(But Kendalf doesn't seem so happy with the scene; he is scowling deeply at the battered keep)  
  
Kendalf: (Angrily shouting at Jimagorn) Dang it, Jimagorn! What the heck happened to the defenses?  
  
Jimagorn: (With a small shrug as he shouts back) Er-they didn't hold as well as I had hoped, Kendalf.  
  
Megolas: (Angrily shouting at the wizard) About flippin' time you get here, you ninny! Where the hell have you been?  
  
Kendalf: (In a shocked tone) I had to get the Riders of Rohan, Megolas!  
  
Jimagorn: (Raising his eyebrow quizzically) But it is only a five hour ride to where the Riders of Rohan roam!  
  
Kendalf: (In a very irritable voice) FINE! FINE! (In a defeated tone) I took 'em to Hooters!  
  
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes) That's what I thought!  
  
Jimagorn: (In a practical tone to the Elf) Well, he's not totally to blame!  
  
(We go back to Kendalf, who has cleared his throat and is speaking to somebody behind him)  
  
Kendalf: (In a serious tone) Kevoden, king, stands alone.  
  
(We see Méomer, clad in his battle wear-and a Hooters T-shirt over it-ride next to Kendalf)  
  
Méomer: (With a small smile as he looks down at the forces below) Not totally alone.  
  
(We see King Kevoden smile as he recognizes the person next to Kendalf upon the rise)  
  
King Kevoden: (Quietly) Méomer!  
  
Méomer: (Shouting to his forces behind him) Men! Ready yourselves!  
  
(And with that, the entire force of the Riders of Rohan-which is a very good number of them-make their appearance upon the rise. We go down to where the Urak-hai Members are watching this scene)  
  
Urak-hai Member#307: (In a small tone) Well, that's a kick in the pants, isn't it?  
  
(Then, Kendalf brings up his staff and shouts for the Riders to attack. The Riders cascade down the hill, coming by the hundreds, pouring over the rise to aid in defending Helm's Deep. We see the Urak-hai Members line up on the bottom of the rise, their dangerous spears extended outwards to await the onslaught that plans to meet them. But as the last of the Riders of Rohan make their way off the rise, the sun is able to peek through the rise-blinding the Urak-hai Members horribly)  
  
Urak-hai Member#286: (In a pain-stricken voice) Agh! Natural light! Get it away! Get it away!  
  
(The Urak-hai Members lower their defenses, causing the Riders of Rohan to charge into the entire force, cutting down many with one swipe of their weapons. Kendalf is able to bring down many Orcs with the butt end of his white staff)  
  
Kendalf: (Looking at the white staff with amazement) I knew that this had a real purpose! 


	30. Scene Thirty: Ents Come To Isengard

Scene Thirty  
  
(We go to Isengard, where Andraman is sitting upon his black shale throne within his tower, rapping his long nailed fingers upon the armrests, looking very unnerved about something. Finally, he can stand it no longer)  
  
Andraman: (Shouting) WORMFECES! GET IN HERE!  
  
(We see Nrima Wormfeces make his slow and timid appearance into the room, wringing his hands nervously. He approaches Andraman slowly, sensing that his master is slightly ill-tempered at something)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Nervously) Yes, Andraman, my lord?  
  
Andraman: (In a commanding voice) Where are my Orcs? I do not see them anywhere?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Quickly) They are-fulfilling duties for yours truly! (Allowing a nervous smile to play upon his lips)  
  
Andraman: (Folding his hands in content) Excellent. (He smiles at Nrima Wormfeces) You had your doubts about them, didn't you?  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a timid tone) I, my lord?  
  
Andraman: (With a small laugh) It's okay, Wormfeces, they all have their doubts.(In an offhand type of tone) course, they all end up suffering hours of toil and torture, but it's different this time! (He brandishes a fist in the air) These Orcs are well disciplined and powerful! They will not disappoint me! They are quite tough, Wormfeces-(Maliciously) very tough!  
  
(Then, we see many Orcs are outside playing a game of kickball. We see some Orcs are roaming the grounds delicately, as if passing through a park. We go to Orcs#56&58, who are sitting at the base of a huge rock pile)  
  
Orc#56: (In an intellectual type tone) Do you think I should become an environmentalist or an expert of fine wines?  
  
Orc#58: (Logically) Well-I would stay away from the environmentalist goal- all your chopping and burning of trees are not going to please many of the employees. But the expert of fine wines-(Whistles in amazement) pretty classy, my friend!  
  
Orc#56: (Nodding) Yeah-and I've got a lot of experience! My brother's tried almost every wine out there! Once he gets out of rehab, I should be able to get some helpful hints from him!  
  
Orc#58: (In a supporting tone) Finding sources! You, good sir, have got a plan! Orc#56: (Wiping his forehead irritably) Crikey, it's hot!  
  
Orc#58: (With a small laugh) I'll say. Maybe you should use that money to buy an air conditioner in Isengard, eh?  
  
(Both Orcs begin to laugh heartily)  
  
Orc#58: (Still laughing) 'Cause it's so hot in here!  
  
Orc#56: (Laughing) I got that.  
  
Orc#58: (Slapping his knee) And air conditioners make the air cooler!  
  
Orc#56: (Beginning to not laugh so much) Yeah, I got that.  
  
Orc#58: (Laughing) And they're really expensive and-!  
  
Orc#56: (Seriously) Dude, enough, all right?  
  
Orc#58: (Dropping the matter immediately) Sorry.  
  
Orc#56: (Looking towards the distance and furrowing his brow) Hey! What's that?  
  
(Orc#58 turns around to look as well, and we see many Ents making their ominous approach to Isengard. The Orcs are looking at the Ents, but not doing anything about it. In the very front, we see Big Nuts, with Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took sitting upon his limbs. Orcs#56&58 look at one another curiously)  
  
Orc#56: (Curiously) What are they?  
  
Orc#58: (Shrugging carelessly) Local Ents from the Fangorn-probably here to ask about the annual potluck.  
  
Orc#56: (Furrowing his brow) But the annual potluck was yesterday! Remember, I made that chicken casserole!  
  
Orc#58: (Remembering) Ah yeah! You gotta give me the recipe for that! That was really tasty!  
  
Orc#56: (Squinting at the Ents) Hey! Aren't those two hobbits on the big Ent in the front?  
  
Orc#58: (Looking as well) By Jove, it is! That can only mean one thing!  
  
(Both Orcs look at one another)  
  
Orc#56: (Cheerfully) Shade?  
  
Orc#58: (In a jovial tone) But of course!  
  
(Both Orcs jump to their feet and run over towards the approaching Ents)  
  
Orc#58: (Shouting cheerfully) Hey, mister Ent! Mister Ent! Over here! Let me bask under your shaded leaves, mister Ent!  
  
(With one movement, Big Nuts steps right on Orc#58, squashing him instantly. Orc#56 blinks at where his friend once stood)  
  
Orc#56: (In a small tone) Well-that's odd.  
  
(Orc#56 screams as Big Willy picks him up roughly)  
  
Big Willy: (Angrily) No-this is odd!  
  
(And with that, Big Willy throws Orc#56 at a fair distance. Many of the Orcs begin to scream as they realize that they are under attack. The Ents begin to stomp on the Orcs, squashing them to death. Or the Ents simply crash anything they can get their hands on, from simple carts to huge wheels. We see Blonde Ent tie up Orcs#72&73 to a large pole over a pool of water)  
  
Blonde Ent: (In her dopey voice) Let's play Salem Witch Trials! (Dunks the Orcs under the water and brings them up again) I love that game!  
  
Orc#72: (Sputtering as he looks at the Ent) Do you play that often with your friends?  
  
Blonde Ent: (Dopily) No! But I play it with my Barbies-and they're always smiling!  
  
(We now see Big Nuts, picking up huge boulders and throwing them at the scurrying Orcs. Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck help out by throwing rocks at many Orcs that get away)  
  
Rippin Took: (Excited) Okay! As soon as we get back to the Shire, I'm gonna tackle the dunk tank! (In a very malicious type voice) Teach that Sandyman a lesson or two!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (As she throws a rock) YES! WE'RE DOING IT!  
  
(The Ents are reeking absolute mayhem upon Isengard, destroying everything and every Orc that comes into their line of vision or their path. Then, we see Orcs#45, 46, & 47 bearing huge torches alight with fire)  
  
Orc#45: (In a gruff voice) This outta stop them!  
  
Orc#46: (Maliciously) Yeah! Let's get some firewood a goin'!  
  
(The three Orcs jump upon Native American Ent and quickly set him ablaze)  
  
Native American Ent: (Quite hysterically) AGH! I'M ON FIRE! AGH! NOT GOOD FOR MY BARK! NOT AT ALL GOOD FOR MY BARK! AHHHHHHH!  
  
(Native American Ent begins to run around hysterically, beginning to set many of the watchtowers on fire, and stamp on many of the machines upon the ground. Orcs#46&47 look at Orc#45 angrily)  
  
Orc#46: (Angrily) Nice going, genius!  
  
(Suddenly, we go back to the tower, where Andraman steps onto his balcony. His eyes widen in horror and shock as he sees what is happening below)  
  
Andraman: (Angrily) What the hell is going on here?  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces makes his appearance next to Andraman timidly)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Curiously) Is there a problem, my lord?  
  
Andraman: (Angrily) You're damn right there's a problem! Isengard's being destroyed by trees!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Looking at the scene and replying intelligently) Not trees, my lord-Ents.  
  
Andraman: (Angrily) I don't care if they're those creepy, broomstick thingies from Fantasia! Fix this now!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (After thinking for a while) Ooh! I've got a good plan! (Shouting down at the scene below) STOP IT! STOP DESTROYING ISENGARD AND GO BACK TO THE FANGORN!  
  
(We go to Big Nuts, who hears the message and stops in his tracks)  
  
Big Nuts: (With a small shrug) Well, in that case.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Practically) Er-Big Nuts, they kind of destroyed a whole bunch of your kind.  
  
Big Nuts: (Angrily) Oh yeah! (Pulls out a huge boulder) DIE ISENGARD! DIE! (Throws the boulder at a huge group of Orcs)  
  
(We go back to Nrima Wormfeces, who is looking back at a livid Andraman) Nrima Wormfeces: (With a shrug) Well, there's nothing else I can do.  
  
Andraman: (Pushing the other aside angrily) You pansy! I'll do it myself! (Knitting his brow in malice) Time for these Ents to experience the wrath and frustration of Andraman, the older and most gorgeous one!  
  
(Andraman puts his hands in the air and brings them down powerfully-but nothing happens. Andraman looks at his hands again in puzzlement, tries it again-this time with a word of Mordor-but nothing happens. Andraman begins to bang his finger upon the balcony in frustration)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (In a logical tone) Nothing's happening, my lord.  
  
Andraman: (Angrily) I know nothing's happening, you ninny! I'm not stupid! (Yelling at his finger) You stupid thing! You're supposed to distribute wrath upon my enemies! (Uses his other hand to point at the scene below) WRATH!  
  
(But the finger doesn't do anything but shoot out a small flag, like one you would see out of an old toy gun. After blinking several times at it, Andraman looks at the flag and reads the message)  
  
Andraman: (With growing rage) "You've been swindled by Kendalf, the old but most extremely attractive, who is now in your position!" (Pulling out the flag from his finger) What's that supposed to mean!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (After thinking about it for a while) It means that-since Kendalf has taken up your position-you have no power. After all, there cannot be two older and most gorgeous wizards-that's just unheard of!  
  
Andraman: (In an apprehensive tone) But to be rid of all my power at once? It cannot be! If I have no power, that bumps me down to-  
  
(Dramatic music plays in the back round)  
  
Andraman: (In a horrified whisper) .the haggard and senile one!  
  
(There is a high-pitched scream at this)  
  
Andraman: (Pulling at his hair in fear) No! This cannot happen to me! I am so pretty! I was top of my class, next to that cheat, Kendalf! I take care of my nails every two days-TWO DAYS! Why oh why must this happen to me? (Puts his face in his hands in dismay)  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Furrowing his brow at the other's state) So, what's the big deal? It's just the grading of society-it doesn't necessarily mean anything!  
  
Andraman: (Glaring at the other venomously) Oh, yes it does! (Angrily) I've had enough of you for one day! Go-lick the floor or something!  
  
Nrima Wormfeces: (Looking very enthused at the thought) Ooh! And it's noon! The janitors have mopped the floor with lemon-scented floor cleaner!  
  
(Nrima Wormfeces makes his disappearance from the balcony, leaving a forlorn and powerless Andraman to watch helplessly as Isengard is destroyed by the Ents. We go back to the scene below, where Big Willy & Blonde Ent have pulled out the holding board to the dam)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a triumphant voice) RELEASE THE RIVER!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a technical tone) Er-actually, it's not really a river, but a mass of water being held inside of a closed area.  
  
Big Nuts: (Irritably) All right! All right! RELEASE THE HUGE MASS OF WATER HELD WITHIN THE CLOSED AREA! (To Rippin Took) Better?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a nod) Much.  
  
(We see Ents move away as the huge wall of water tumbles from the dam and goes cascading all over Isengard. Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took grasp onto Big Nuts' limbs tighter, eager not to get thrown off from the force. Big Nuts roots himself into the ground as the water comes crashing into him)  
  
Rippin Took: (Shouting over the roaring waters) Is it wrong that I think this is kind of cool?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a shrug) Probably.  
  
(The water is seeping over everything, eventually pouring into the dreaded pits where the real evil is brewed. The Orcs below shout out as the water pours down, smothering them entirely. We see Orc#69 talking to a large group of frightened Orcs)  
  
Orc#69: (Shouting over the confusion) Now, don't panic! Don't panic! I've read about this kind of situation before! Okay, first we've gotta build a big ark-!  
  
(But the water washes the Orcs away, totally covering them. Upon the surface, steam is billowing from the deep cuts within the earth, the fires put out. The pits are mere gashes within the earth, the Orcs no more than a piece of floating debris. Isengard-one of the most powerful suppliers of evil-is no more) 


	31. Scene Thirty One: Kram's Boring, Useless...

Scene Thirty-One  
  
(Meanwhile, back at Osgiliath, we go back to where Lizzo Baggins, Kram Gamgee, & Jenolum are hiding. Lizzo Baggins' face is pulled into a dazed look, as though she's not really thinking but merely standing there. Then, Lizzo Baggins begins to walk away from the other two, heading towards the ruined and dangerous city. Kram Gamgee sees what her friend is doing and looks confused)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With confusion etched upon her brow) What're you doing?  
  
(But Kram Gamgee's voice is a mere voice in the distance, not heard by the preoccupied Lizzo Baggins, who is walking with a brisk pace towards an unknown destination. We follow her walk through the battle-strewn city, her gaze averting from in front of her towards the skies. We then see Kram Gamgee following her at a fast pace, but far behind. Grasping a stitch at her side, Kram Gamgee leans upon a wall and looks after the disappearing Lizzo Baggins)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In an agitated shout) Lizzo!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In a very distant voice as she puts her hand down her shirt) Yes, I am interested in changing long distance plans.(Pulls out the Movie of Power) very interested.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Horrified) LIZZO!  
  
(We see Lizzo Baggins make her way up some stairs to a destroyed building, looking towards the sky at something-we see Verizon begin to fly slowly towards Lizzo Baggins, seeing the Movie within her grasp. Maramir, who is fighting with Ristor & Nicola, looks over and sees what is happening)  
  
Maramir: (Shocked) Ah, crap!  
  
(Back to Lizzo Baggins, she is holding the Movie before her, looking adoringly at it, as if seeing it for the very first time. A small content smile crosses her face as the seduction of the Movie washes over her-gone are her worries and obligations to destroy it; all she has to do is simply play the Movie and she can forget everything. Sure, it is more complicated than that, but those who are blinded by the Movie's power do not see both ways. As Verizon comes closer, Lizzo Baggins begins to inch her finger towards the play chip upon the Movie. But then, we see Kram Gamgee running up the stairs in slow motion, her shouts mouthed and silent-and her presence unnoticed by the Movie Bearer. Before Lizzo Baggins can even attempt to push the play chip, however, Kram Gamgee pushes her out of the way from certain death-Verizon gives a great hiss of dissatisfaction as its prey is snatched away. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee roll down the stairs in a tangled mass of arms and legs, either tangled up or fighting one another. Then, the hobbits land on the landing of the stairs, Kram Gamgee on top and looking at Lizzo Baggins) Kram Gamgee: (With a small sigh of relief) Well that was a close one! How're you doing, Miss Lizzo?  
  
(But Lizzo Baggins is not herself. With a great shout of anger, Lizzo Baggins kicks Kram Gamgee off of her, causing the hobbit to go flying into the stairs)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Lizzo! What's gotten into you?  
  
(With a great shout, Lizzo Baggins leaps at Kram Gamgee; meaning to strangle her own friend, but Kram Gamgee is quick to dart out of the way, causing Lizzo Baggins to land on the stairs headfirst)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a small whistle) Whoa-that's gotta hurt!  
  
(But with a mere shake of her head, Lizzo Baggins is back on her feet and leaping upon her surprised friend, pinning her to the ground. Hysterical and probably mad, Lizzo Baggins draws out Sting and makes to stab Kram Gamgee. Kram Gamgee looks at the sword with wide eyes)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small, frightened tone) How'd you get that?  
  
(But Lizzo Baggins doesn't seem to hear. By the look on her face, Lizzo Baggins looks liable to kill, but she holds back for an unknown reason. Kram Gamgee realizes that her friend needs help, and is grief-stricken)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Tears coming to her eyes as she speaks) Lizzo, it's me! It's Kram! Your Kram! Your best friend.your confidant.your cook and gardener!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In an evil tone) I don't know who you are, but I'm going to ask you one question: How is it you can talk so clearly when hundreds of rats are crawling out of your mouth!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a sad, desperate tone) Don't you remember your Kram?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins stares for a long time at the other hobbit, her blade still dangling over her chest. Then, a sudden light of recognition flashes through Lizzo Baggins' mind-the spell of the Movie is broken. Horror flashes into the eyes of Lizzo Baggins as she realizes what she's doing- what she planned to do for that matter-and she quickly gets off of Kram Gamgee, dropping Sting to the ground with a loud clang. Lizzo Baggins sits against the wall, breathing in and out and looking about in fear and curiosity. Then, Kram Gamgee jumps to her feet)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily as she straightens out her clothes) You know, you've got some nerve, Miss Lizzo! Trying to kill me like that! What the heck were you-? (Looks over at Lizzo Baggins, and her face drops) Lizzo?  
  
(Lizzo Baggins is off to the side, her eyes leaking with tears as she weeps at the hopelessness of it all)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Between her tears) I'm so sorry, Kram! I didn't know what I was doing! I can't believe that I would have even done something like that!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Feeling a bit guilty for being so harsh) Well, it's no big deal, Miss Lizzo-  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Desperately) No, it is a big deal! I almost killed you, Kram! And you're the only friend I have now! I never would have forgiven myself! (More tears pour down her face) The Movie took me over! It's power is too strong on me, Kram! It's too hard! (Looks at Kram Gamgee with bright, sad eyes) I can't do this, Kram!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Tears beginning to leak from her eyes as well) I know, Miss Lizzo. By all right we shouldn't even be here! (Looks out towards the distance, where Phone Solicitors are flying about ominously) It's all wrong! It's a big mess of crap!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins puts her face in her hands, realizing the mess they're in and wanting desperately to just be out of it. How she wishes she could just go home! Then, Kram Gamgee, still looking in the distance, with her eyes wet with tears, begins to speak words of comfort-well, somewhat)  
  
Kram Gamgee: It's like the old, stories, Miss Lizzo, the ones the really mattered. (With a shrug) Or the ones that you could pick up in the bar, but it didn't really matter where you heard them; so long as you heard them and the lessons they offered, what else mattered? You would sit there, listening to your senile old Gaffer-or some other crazy person-tell these stories of valiant fights of good over evil, and how everything went wrong with the world because of evil (In a low tone), the grownups never telling you that it was mostly because of tax agencies, because they knew that that would scare you too much. Then, there would be this humongous battle-or simply a small skirmish-or even a bribe, you could call it-and then evil was no more, and everything went back to normal.(Furrowing her brow as she speaks next) but in your head, you would wonder how?  
  
(We now go to Helm's Deep, where Urak-hai Members are retreating from the keep. As we watch the scene unfold before us, we hear Kram Gamgee talk on, and we see Kendalf smile brightly at Méomer, who in turn smiles at King Kevoden)  
  
Voice of Kram Gamgee: (In a questioning tone) How could the world go back to the way it was after so much bad had happened? How could everything go on as if nothing had ever happened, when we all knew pretty damn well that that wasn't the case? But most importantly-  
  
(We see Jimagorn rushing up the stairs to the keep, but stop as he is met up with Erynwyn, who looks very happy to see him alive. She touches his face and embraces him, and Jimagorn pats her shoulder tenderly. Then, we see Megolas a fair distance away, giving Jimagorn the evil eye. Jimagorn shakes his head to reassure the Elf, and when Megolas moves away, Jimagorn places a sly smile upon his face)  
  
Voice of Kram Gamgee: .how did they ever come by doing it? It seemed so complicated for our little minds to comprehend at the time.  
  
(We now go to Isengard, where we see Big Nuts standing in the water, soundlessly cheering along with the other Ents, while Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck high-five each other, brandishing their swords enthusiastically)  
  
Voice of Kram Gamgee: And those of us who asked-those who were not afraid of getting a great wallop over the head with a cane or a cigarette burn on the arm-would receive the same answer. That good will always triumph over evil, no matter the odds-just so long as we are able to work at it. And everything that was good and pure, will shine through like a new morning in spring! And even the most powerful of foes.  
  
(We see Andraman, looking very shifty eyed, slink into back into his tower, closing the doors behind him)  
  
Voice of Kram Gamgee: .shrank away and were reduced to nothing. But, you never understood why.which was fine by us at the time, because who really cares so long as nothing happens to us, right?  
  
(We go back to Osgiliath, where Kram Gamgee still looks in the distance, with a look of comprehension dawning upon her face)  
  
Kram Gamgee: Well, I've been traveling for a long time, Miss Lizzo.and I've had nothing but hours to think about how it really works. And I believe I've finally figured it out. Those people in those stories-those warriors and heroes that were wrapped in gold and triumphed over evil-all had something that they could rely on. They all had something that they could hold onto, Miss Lizzo!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (The tears still coming down her face as she walks over to her face) Well, what do we have to hold onto, Kram?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Thinking about it for a while, then turning around and facing the other with a small smile upon her face) That there's still some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a sad look at the other) Oh, Kram! I don't think that that's enough to hold onto! When you look at it right, and when you think about it for a long time, what's it all worth? Why should we even bother to fight?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a stern tone) Hey, Miss Lizzo, don't tell me it's not worth fighting for! Don't tell me it's not worth dying for! You know it's true-everything I do-I do it for you!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Under her breath bitterly) Damn inspirational song-Brian Adams always gets to me!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins smiles gratefully at Kram Gamgee, who is quite bright-eyed at the moment. Then, we see Jenolum sitting nearby, playing tic-tac-toe in the dirt; she suddenly looks up at the hobbits as she realizes they are not speaking)  
  
Jenolum: (In an awkward tone) Er-we're sorry, Kram.we's was distracted. Could you repeat your speech again?  
  
(Kram Gamgee furrows her brow at Jenolum, but immediately diverts her attention to someone else in the area: Maramir, along with what is left of his army. Maramir stares at Kram Gamgee in astonishment)  
  
Maramir: (With a small tone) That was the most beautiful speech I had ever heard in my life-long-but beautiful. It made me feel all warm and pretty inside. (Valiantly) It made me realize one thing-!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a hopeful tone) That many things of power are not always what they seem?  
  
Maramir: (With a small scowl) What? No! It taught me that I am much more attractive than my brother ever was! And if I want people to quit confusing me for him, I'm going to have to stop being like him! (Proudly) From now on, I'm going to stay up late, eat fried peanut butter sandwiches, and get a beer-gut!  
  
Nicola: (Flatly at Maramir) Maramir, you get cranky when you stay up past eight, you're allergic to peanuts, and you always spew after one teaspoon of light draft!  
  
Maramir: (Blinking at Nicola for a while) Well, go on and ruin my fun, why don't you-mother! (Looks at Lizzo Baggins, and smiles an actual true smile) I was mistaken about you, Lizzo Baggins. I think we finally understand one another.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) You're dang right we understand each other! I'm right, and you're a big nutter!  
  
Maramir: (With a small nod) So long as we understand each other-(In a loud tone) release them!  
  
Nicola: (In a quick tone) Maramir! Think of what you're doing! If you let them go, your life will be forfeit!  
  
(Maramir stares at the apprehensive looks of all three strangers. But when he looks at the desperate look of Lizzo Baggins, there is no more dispute)  
  
Maramir: (In a proud tone) Then, let it be forfeit! Release them!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee smile at one another; actually happy for the first time in days. The army of Maramir clears the way of the three as they make their way from the city. When the three are far away, Nicola looks at Maramir with a stern look)  
  
Nicola: Your father will not be too happy with this, Maramir!  
  
Maramir: (With a shrug) So, it's forfeit! I don't care! I wasn't in the bet anyways!  
  
Nicola: (Raising her eyebrow) What bet?  
  
Maramir: (Simply) You know! The bet that my dad's going to forfeit me from! I don't bet on dog racing anyways!  
  
Nicola: (Angrily) You fool! That's not what forfeit means!  
  
Maramir: (Curiously) Then what does it mean?  
  
Nicola: (Impatiently) That you could be sentenced to death as punishment for this!  
  
Maramir: (After a great spasm of silence) Ah, DAMN IT!  
  
(We now go to Helm's Deep, where many of the Urak-hai Members are retreating into a nearby forest, the Soldiers or Citizens of Edoras at their heels. We hear many of the Urak-hai Members yelling incoherently at one another)  
  
Urak-hai Members: (Frantically) GET INTO THE FOREST! RETREAT TO THE FOREST! GET INTO THE FOREST!  
  
(We see the Urak-hai Members retreat under the cover of the trees, and many of the Soldiers & Citizens of Edoras stop in their tracks and watch. Suddenly we see Soldier of Edoras#207 look at Rider of Rohan#67)  
  
Soldier of Edoras#207: (In a quizzical tone) Strange, I've never noticed that forest before at Helm's Deep.  
  
Rider of Rohan#67: (Looking bemused) That's because there's not supposed to be a forest at Helm's Deep.  
  
Soldier of Edoras#207: (Looking confused) But-if there's no forest at this fortress, then what's-?  
  
(We suddenly hear many high-pitched screams of the Urak-hai Members from within the forest-which is actually a bunch of Ents from the Fangorn forest. The Soldiers & Citizens of Edoras, and the Riders of Rohan give a shout of triumph-Fangorn has come to Helm's Deep. We hear the Urak-hai Members shout incoherently at one another from within the forest)  
  
Urak-hai Members: (Quite frantically) GET OUT OF THE FOREST! GET OUT OF THE FOREST!  
  
(We now go back to Isengard, which is horribly flooded. We see Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took, standing waist deep in water, looking up at Andraman's tower, where Andraman & Nrima Wormfeces are moving about on the balcony frantically, trying to find some way out of this mess. Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took look quite amused)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a logical tone) He looks pretty pissed, doesn't he?  
  
Rippin Took: (Shrugging) Yep-which doesn't really make any sense. I think he's overreacting.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Nodding) Yeah! I mean-all we did was sic a bunch of Ents upon Isengard, kill all the Orcs in sight, flood all of Isengard, and leave Andraman no way of escaping! Okay-it may be a bit overdramatic, but at least he's got a nice staff.  
  
Rippin Took: (Nodding towards Nrima Wormfeces) Yeah-what I wouldn't give to have a brown noser at my heels.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a smile) Ditto.  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck's stomach suddenly rumbles violently, causing Rippin Took to stare at her friend)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Embarrassed) Then again, I would probably want to invest in something decent to eat. I'm starving! But, I guess we won't find anything really decent to eat around here, eh?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a shrug) Eh-what're you going to do?  
  
(Rippin Took then takes a huge bite of an apple casually. Jessie Brandybuck looks over once, then double takes as she realizes what her friend is eating. Jessie Brandybuck stares in disbelief at Rippin Took)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Practically hissing) Where did you get that?  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking at Jessie Brandybuck and speaking through a mouth full of apple) What?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Incredulously) That apple? Where'd you get that?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a shrug) I dunno-I found it.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Rolling her eyes) Well, maybe you should have picked up two! With the huge bite you took out of that one, I don't think there's enough to share!  
  
Rippin Took: (With a casual shrug) Ah, it's not so bad, Jessie. I'll find another one.(Picks an apple out from the water) Ah! Here's one! (Tosses it at Jessie Brandybuck) Knock yourself out!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looking from the apple to Rippin Took) Wait a second! I thought you said you didn't have another one!  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking annoyed) I didn't!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) Where'd you find this one then? (Indicating the apple in her hand)  
  
Rippin Took: (With a shrug) I picked it out from the water-like the other one!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Curiously) Water? This water? (Indicating the flood around them)  
  
Rippin Took: (Annoyed) Am I talking about any other flood?  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck looks at Rippin Took and realizes that there are many apples floating beside her)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a shocked tone) Dear Lord, Rippin! There's a butt- load of apples floating near you!  
  
Rippin Took: (Confused) Huh? (Looks around her and nods in understanding) Oh-so there are. Well, isn't that peachy?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Grasping Rippin Took by the shoulders and looking very eager) Don't you understand what this means, Rippin?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a shrug) Er-that one of the Ents fell down and lost some of its apples?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Ignoring this) This came from Isengard! If they've got a whole bunch of apples, and we flooded Isengard-then that must mean that there's.  
  
Rippin Took: (Her eyes widening) A store room! (Looking at her apple, sniffing at it, and throwing it carelessly over her shoulder) Nuts to this!  
  
(We see Big Willy standing peacefully in the water, and suddenly Rippin Took's apple comes bolting into his back leg. With a great shout, Big Willy goes down with a splash. But then we go back to the hobbits, who are following a trail of floating apples eagerly. Pretty soon, they find what they're looking for-Andraman's store room. It's full of not only apples, but a bunch of other food items. Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are staring into the room with wide eyes)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a great shout of glee) FOOD!  
  
(Rippin Took bolts into the room, grasps a nearby turkey, and begins to embrace it like a long lost friend. Jessie Brandybuck is looking wild-eyed at every food item within the area)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a breathless voice) I don't believe this! He's got everything in here! Apples! Bread! Turkey! Ham! Veal! Chicken! (Grabs a nearby can and frowns at the label) "Well-preserved fiber dogs"?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a shrug) Old people problems. I rummaged in Kendalf's bag once and found a bunch of Metamucil in there. (Begins to dance with the turkey and sing, "Dancing Cheek To Cheek") Heaven.I'm in heaven.and my heart feels so alive, I can hardly speak!  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Going over to a huge barrel and her eyes widen at the sudden thought) No way!  
  
Rippin Took: (With a scowl at her friend) Hey! If you had been on the road for several weeks, eating nothing but lembas, you'd be dancing with a turkey too!  
  
(But Jessie Brandybuck isn't listening, having dragged down the barrel and starting to pry the lid off of it. When she does, Jessie Brandybuck gives a gleeful shout at the contents: a strange, tobacco substance)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a breathless tone) Old Toby!  
  
(Jessie Brandybuck throws the lid accidentally at Rippin Took's head. When it hits her, Rippin Took gives a shout of pain and looks over at her friend. When she sees what Jessie Brandybuck has found, however, Rippin Took drops the turkey in shock)  
  
Rippin Took: (Looking overjoyed) Finest weed in the South Farthing! Incredible!  
  
(Rippin Took throws the barrel lid out of the door, and we see Big Willy- with a bandaged back leg-walk along peacefully, when the barrel lid suddenly collides with his other back leg. With another great shout, Big Willy is down in the water. We go back to the store room, where Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are laying upon some of the shelves, lazing away while they puff on their pipes)  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a relaxed tone) This is the life! We've got a big hold of food-good trees hanging around us-and a nice batch of Old Toby to hold us over. I don't know what Lizzo and Kram were complaining about-this quest isn't so bad!  
  
Rippin Took: (In a simple tone) Yeah! Not to mention, this conquering stuff isn't so bad, either. I'm a regular Neapolitan.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a small scowl) Er-it's Napoleon, Rippin.  
  
Rippin Took: (In a lazy tone) Don't bother me, Jessie-I'm trying to relax.  
  
(Suddenly, we see Big Nuts stick his head into the storeroom)  
  
Big Nuts: (In a curious tone) Ah-so this is where you've been, young hobbits! Big Willy's been complaining about demented items aimed towards his back legs, and I was wondering if you've seen-? (Suddenly realizes where the hobbits are at) I say, you really have found the mother load, eh?  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Not even bothering to sit up) Absolutely, Big Nuts.  
  
Rippin Took: (In a friendly tone) Say, Big Nuts, you ever had any Old Toby?  
  
Big Nuts: (Thinking about it) In all my Ent years-I have never heard of such a thing.  
  
Rippin Took: (In a shocked tone) What? You've never heard of Old Toby? You've got to try some! It's the best pipe weed in the South Farthing!  
  
(Rippin Took hands her pipe over to Big Nuts, who clasps it in his humongous hand and takes a good puff; then, the top of his head begins to smoke and we see a small flame appear)  
  
Big Nuts: (Not noticing that he's on fire and considering the pipe weed) Not bad.it's got a nice ting to it.  
  
Rippin Took: (Her eyes wide in horror as she watches the fire spread on the Ent's head) Er-Big Nuts-!  
  
Big Nuts: (Still critiquing the pipe weed) I haven't had many brands of tobacco-many of them being Southern relatives-but this isn't so bad.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (Sitting up and gawking at the Ent's state) Good Lord, Big Nuts! You're on fire!  
  
Big Nuts: (In a modest tone) Well, I used to write critic articles for the local paper-  
  
Rippin Took: (Seriously) No, Big Nuts! Literally, you're on fire! (Big Nuts looks up and sees that almost the entire top of his head's on fire. He begins to scream hysterically and run around the room)  
  
Big Nuts: (Sounding hysterical) MY NUTS! SAVE MY NUTS! (Tries reaching for his burning acorns) SOMEBODY SAVE MY GLORIOUS NUTS!  
  
(And with that, Big Nuts runs about the room, totally wrecking everything. Rippin Took screams and is able to just jump out of the way before her shelf is knocked down. Meanwhile, Jessie Brandybuck is scooping up buckets of water and trying to splash them on Big Nuts, only to miss and hit Rippin Took)  
  
Rippin Took: (Irritably at Jessie Brandybuck) Do you mind, Jessie? I'm not the one on fire!  
  
Big Nuts: (Screaming) FIRE! OH GOD! FIRE!  
  
(Still screaming, Big Nuts runs out of the storeroom. We see Big Willy, who is simply standing still with both his legs bandaged, looking about cautiously. Then, we hear Big Nuts scream hysterically, then see him come over, push Big Willy down into water, and dunk his head under the water while his brother cascades into the water again. Steam billows from the water and Big Nuts gives a relieved sigh. We see Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took watching from the door of the storeroom)  
  
Rippin Took: (In a shocked voice) Wow, I guess it is true-smoking really does affect those around you.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (With a firm nod) You've got that right. I guess we learned our lesson, hmm?  
  
Rippin Took: (With a nod) I'll say. Always remember to tip your pizza delivery guy.  
  
Jessie Brandybuck: (In an angry tone) No! That's not the lesson! The lesson is that pipe weed is much more dangerous than it seems!  
  
Rippin Took: (Indignantly) Yeah-well, mine's better. 


	32. Scene Thirty Two: The Beginning of A War...

Scene Thirty-Two  
  
(We go back to Osgiliath, where Maramir is quickly leading Lizzo Baggins, Kram Gamgee, & Jenolum out of the city. They stop at the entrance to an ancient looking sewer)  
  
Maramir: (In a quiet voice) These are the ancient sewers of the city-they have been inactive for many years. Just follow them and they will take you out of the city through an underground route.  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a cautious tone) So-you're absolutely certain that they're inactive? I don't want to walk in there and step in a big pile of poo or something.  
  
Maramir: (Confidently) Rest assure, you will find nothing of the sort.just watch out for the dead skunks and dead birds. And if you step on a nail, I strongly advise you to get a tetanus shot.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Smiling at Maramir) Thank you, Captain Maramir-you have remained ever loyal to your family name. You truly have proven yourself worthy of your brother.(With an awkward shrug) which isn't that hard to replace, on account that your brother was a real butt-head.  
  
Maramir: (With a small smile at the hobbit) And what route do you plan to take from Osgiliath?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Glancing at Jenolum) Our guide knows of a route to Mordor from here-we cross the forests, go up some stairs, and travel down a tunnel. I tried to get something from her that didn't deal with riddles, but everybody seems to be fond of speaking in riddles!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Irritably) And paths! Enough with the paths already! I understand that it's pretty and poetic to say paths, but good God! "That's not your path!" "Get off the path!" "You stray too far from your path!" Paths, paths, PATHS! They're called roads-or walkways! If I hear one more person say paths, I'm going to explode!  
  
Maramir: (Looking fearful at Lizzo Baggins) You cannot go the route you speak of, Lizzo Baggins!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In an overjoyed tone) Hoorah! Dangerous quest is finally over! We can finally go home to the Shire! This is so-!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Ignoring her friend) Why must we not go the original route, Maramir?  
  
Maramir: (In a desperate tone) There is word of an ancient evil lying within Mordor that will not let you pass-only death lies there!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a logical tone) Is it me, or does death seem to lie in Mordor from any standpoint?  
  
Maramir: (Truly afraid for the lives of the hobbits) Is there no other way to go?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Offering her help) We could always back track and go to the Black Gate, Miss Lizzo.  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably) But we don't have that much time, Kram! Osgiliath's already fallen-Lord knows what horror Jauron is already planning to unleash! We cannot afford to back track! (To Maramir in a reassuring tone) We will have to go by Jenéagol's route-it's the only way we can get to Mordor in time.  
  
(Maramir stares at Lizzo Baggins for a long time-in his heart, he knows he cannot accompany the two to Mordor, but he cannot let them walk into such a horrible fate. Finally, he glances over at Jenolum, who is crouched off to the side, looking very fidgety and nervous at the moment-as if she's hiding something. Maramir gives her a small glare, but quickly focuses his attention upon Lizzo Baggins. There is a great shout from the city, and Maramir realizes he is running out of time)  
  
Maramir: (Quickly to the hobbit) Go carefully, Lizzo Baggins! May the luck of Osgiliath-  
  
(There is a great shout from the city)  
  
Maramir: (Quickly) Er-let's make it the luck of Men-  
  
(There is another horrible, pain-stricken shout from the city)  
  
Maramir: (With an annoyed sigh) Okay, let's just make it the luck of the fates-go with you.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins quickly nods at Maramir, turns around, and hurries into the sewers, Kram Gamgee quick to follow. Then, Jenolum makes to slink along, but Maramir quickly grabs the creature by the arm, pins her against the wall, and brings his face very closer to hers)  
  
Maramir: (Hissing in severe dislike and looking quite frightening) You listen to me, you fish smelling piece of filth, if any misfortune is to befall those two hobbits, then your life will pay the price! Whether by the horrors of Mordor or by some other way, I will make sure of it!  
  
(And with that, Maramir lets go of Jenolum and makes to join the battle. Hissing, Jenolum makes to give Maramir an obscene gesture, but when he looks back, she quickly turns it into a timid wave. When Maramir is out of plain view, Jenolum slinks into the sewers, quick to catch up to the two hobbits. The three are quiet in their trek, stopping frequently to be sure they are not being followed. Then, Kram Gamgee looks back and sees that Jenolum is acting stranger than usual; the creature looks very terrified and liable to break down any moment. For this one moment, Kram Gamgee seems to take sympathy on her-or perhaps caution)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a reassuring tone) You know, Lizzo didn't mean to set those guards upon you-(In a low mumble) though it would've been better if she had; maybe we wouldn't be in this mess! (Back in her reassuring tone) But honestly, she had no idea! There's no need to get upset about it, right?  
  
Jenolum: (After staring at the hobbit for a while) Is it being kind to us?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a scowl) Is that so odd?  
  
Jenolum: (With a wide-eyed stare) Yes!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In her reassuring tone) Well, I'm speaking the truth! It was an awkward moment, but we've all had our laughs. There's no need to brood upon it, right? Forgive and forget, eh?  
  
Jenolum: (Slowly, looking very suspicious) Forgive-and forget, it says?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a small smile) No hard feelings; let's have a good laugh; kiss and make up? Write it, seal it, stamp it, and burn it? Right, Jenolum?  
  
Jenolum: (After a while, fixing a fake smile upon her face) Right! No hard feelings for it, precious! No hard feelings!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (With a great sigh of relief) Well, that's nice! It's not good to stew on these things, after all! Nice to clear the air a bit.(Sniffs the air and wrinkles her nose) er-figuratively speaking, that is.  
  
(And with that, Kram Gamgee dashes to keep up with Lizzo Baggins. Jenolum stays behind slightly, glaring after the hobbit)  
  
Jenolum: (In a bitter tone) "No hard feelings", eh? "Forgive and forget", huh? Bah! We'd likes to see it get captured by a bunch of questionable Men and let its see about "forgive and forget"! Fat, stupid hobbit!  
  
(Still muttering, Jenolum dashes to catch up to the two. We now see Kendalf, Megolas, Commander Kilmage, Jimagorn, Brimli, & King Kevoden ride up on a rise in a plain, which has an ominous breeze floating about. We look in the distance and see the glowing of Mount Doom in the distance. Kendalf speaks to the others in an ominous tone)  
  
Kendalf: Gondor is in need of our aid, and our hopes are on a thread! The most complicated, crappy part of our fighting is beginning. (The camera closes in on him) The battle for Helm's Deep is over.the battle for Middle- Earth is about to begin.  
  
Jimagorn: (Taking out his sword and rearing his horse back) YEAH! BATTLE FOR MIDDLE-EARTH! (When everybody stares at him, he sheathes his sword and canters his horse back to position) Well-somebody's gotta be enthused by this! (Begins to stroke himself across the chest) Ninnies.  
  
Kendalf: (Rolling his eyes as he speaks) Our hopes lie now.  
  
(We now see Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee walking through a forest, far away from Osgiliath and back on their original trek, and we hear Kendalf speak)  
  
Voice of Kendalf: (Gently) .with two hobbits, and their destined quest to destroy the one thing that could end this war-or intensify it. (In a very dark tone) Don't hope for too much, my friends. You might find yourself disappointed with the results.  
  
(Kram Gamgee suddenly decides to break the silence)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Logically) I wonder if there'll be stories about us, after this?  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (With a small laugh) What?  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Talking in an excited tone) Well, yeah! I mean, when all this is over, kids will say, "Say, dad! Let's hear about Lizzo Baggins and the Movie!" And he'll say, "Ah, again? I told it to you yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.!" but the kids will say, "But it's one of our favorite stories! Lizzo sure was brave, wasn't she dad?"  
  
(Lizzo Baggins allows herself a small smile at this)  
  
Kram Gamgee: "Eh, kind of." the dad will say.  
  
(Lizzo Baggins shrugs at this, letting it pass by with a nod)  
  
Kram Gamgee: "She really had to go through some terrible stuff, didn't she, dad?" the kids will say. And the dad will say, "Oh, yes! Terrible things! The Balrog of Moria! The evil daggers of the Phone Solicitors! The horrible gas reflux of Rippin Took!"  
  
(Lizzo Baggins laughs out loud at this)  
  
Kram Gamgee: "But she was able to rush through it, right dad?" the kids will ask, all wild eyed. "Of course!" the dad will assure them. "She ran through it with her eyes closed!"  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Turning around to face Kram Gamgee) But you forgot one of the main characters!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Furrowing her brow) I'm not mentioning that self-groper that is Jimagorn!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Irritably) No, you twit! (Kindly) Kramwise, the brave!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small, offended tone) You really shouldn't make fun, Miss Lizzo! I was being serious!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Nodding) Oh! Well, in that case-!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) HEY!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Smiling as she says it) So was I.  
  
(Kram Gamgee stares at Lizzo Baggins with amazement, a small smile of pride curling upon her lips)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Seriously) Lizzo would not have gotten far without Kram- even if she did eat a lot of the lembas.  
  
(And with that, Lizzo Baggins turns away and walks off softly. Kram Gamgee stays behind, thinking of something with a smile upon her face)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Straightening the straps on her pack) "Kramwise, the brave." I like it!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins allows herself a small smile at this)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a prideful voice) In fact, I think they might want to hear about my story more than yours, Miss Lizzo! Movie of Power? Who needs a Movie of Power? You've got Kramwise, the brave, saving the day with her killer pans and gluttonous eating habits! Yeah-that's gonna be cool!  
  
(Lizzo Baggins remains smiling, still walking about. Then, Lizzo Baggins notices that Jenolum is gone)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting) Jenéagol! Jenéagol!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Irritably) Ah! Don't tell me we've gotta take Stinky along!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Seriously) Kram, she is our only guide!  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Rolling her eyes) Whatever! I got it! (Shouting) Jenolum! Where are you, ya big stink? Come on! Don't make this harder on us than it already is! If you don't come out in five seconds, we're going on without you!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting again) Jenéagol! Come on out! And take your time! We're not going anywhere without you! (Shoots a dirty glance at Kram Gamgee)  
  
Kram Gamgee: (In a small voice) Ah-it was worth a shot.  
  
(The hobbits resume looking for Jenolum, but we already see her, crawling about the forest floor like a snake. Jenolum is deliberating with herself again, very confused and agitated)  
  
Jenolum: (In her kind voice) Master tricks us! We cannot trust her anymore! (In her evil tone) Dang straight! And they's stolen the precious! They cannot get away with it! (In her kind, lost voice) But we's don't wants to be a part of this anymore! We's just wants to go back to our crappy, fish strewn dwelling in the Misty Mountains and watch All My Children! (In her evil tone) You fool! We cannot return to our home without the precious! We must takes it! We must steal the precious back! (In a very careful, cunning tone as she considers the next factor) But the fat hobbit-the severely bad-tempered one-she's always watching! Her eyes are always open and watching us! Tries to kill her and master of the precious once, and she's not been able to take her eyes off of me! (In a very evil tone, grabbing a nearby tree limb) Then kills them both! Kills them both! (Twisting the limb tightly in her grimy hands) Wring their filthy-little-necks! Evil-wicked-tricksy-false! Then we takes the precious-and we be the masters; and not just because we got the highest score on Mortal Combat three! (In a bit of a weak tone as she leans against a tree) But we cannots! We cannots kill them! We's don't have the strength!  
  
(Jenolum leans against the tree, seriously considering her options. Then, we see in the distance Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee looking for their companion, yelling out her name from time to time. Kram Gamgee is looking under rocks again. Then, Jenolum's face goes into a look of trickery)  
  
Jenolum: (Very slowly and quietly) We could let her-do it. (Her face brightening up at the idea) Yes! Yes! She will kill them-(Maliciously) and we will takes it once they're dead! You're a genius! (Pats herself on the back) I know! I know! I try not to pride myself too much on it.  
  
(Jenolum waits for a few seconds longer before jumping from behind her tree and looking at the hobbits with a great façade of friendliness)  
  
Jenolum: (Sounding quite happy) Come, masters! Come on! Mordor is this way! Follow us! Follow us!  
  
(Jenolum darts off towards the direction of Mordor, and Lizzo Baggins begins to sing a song)  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (In the tune of "Daybreak") Goin' to Mordor, gonna destroy a Movie-there's fire, everywhere! Goin' to Mordor-  
  
Kram Gamgee: (Looking surprised at Lizzo Baggins) Lizzo!  
  
Lizzo Baggins: (Agitated) Hey! Our next stop is the land of fire! I think we need a bit of spirit, eh?  
  
(The camera pans out and we close in on Mordor, which is pretty close. The Eye of Jauron is in his tower, looking just as dark and forbidding as before. Then, when the camera is still rolling, the Eye of Jauron looks around nervously)  
  
Eye of Jauron: (In a small whisper) Er-why are we still rolling?  
  
Voice of the Director: (In a whisper) You need to look more dramatic!  
  
Eye of Jauron: (Angrily) I'm a freakin' eyeball! How dramatic can I get? (Sighs) Fine, how about I turn to right slightly, then look at the camera, and roar maliciously? How's that?  
  
Voice of the Director: (Whispering) Super!  
  
(The Eye of Jauron turns to the right slowly, then quickly averts its attention at the camera and roars loudly. After it does this, the Eye of Jauron gives an annoyed sigh)  
  
Eye of Jauron: (Angrily) I swear! Take five years of acting school, and this is what I get? Getting whispers from a director that I've gotta look more dramatic? Gees!  
  
The End. 


End file.
